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Old 05-06-2022, 05:16 PM   #41
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This should be final training session.

We will take this weekend out of town. And stay until end of training plus a couple days.

Thanks for all feedback.
I might not add any more days at the end of the training.
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Old 05-06-2022, 06:29 PM   #42
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There's nothing you can do about SIL's lack of ambition or laziness with respect to parenting. There's nothing you can do about your daughter's lack of organizational skills or poor choice in spouse. I would fulfill your committed time but not return without setting up ground rules. Next time, perhaps have them fly the kids to you if they need extended babysitting and you're willing. At least, you won't have to take care of two adults as well as two children.
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Old 05-07-2022, 09:38 AM   #43
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Enablers are the nicest people on the face of the earth. When you enable bad behavior, you get more of it. Those that are being enabled eventually become to feel entitled. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the enabler to end the abuse. Go home. You will be surprised how well they begin to cope and maybe even grow up. Tough love wins over enabling.
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Old 05-07-2022, 10:17 AM   #44
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Originally Posted by retire48in2018 View Post

With 1 income, and 2 kids under 1.5 years old and with husband training (maybe 60 hours a week?) - we decided to help.
Who made the first move? Did you offer to come live with them temporarily without being asked? Or did your DD come to you and ask for the help?

In any case, you're almost done. That makes this a silly time to blow things up. Why not just finish, go home and then check in with them from time to time in the years ahead? Since you live far away and therefore any further live-in involvement can easily be avoided, you really have no need for any confrontational moves now. I'm confident that if you make some kind of statement by leaving in a huff, making negative comments about their lifestyle or household organization or similar, you'll regret it later. Just go home at the agreed time and don't live with them again.

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maybe I am just venting.
Yeah. You're tired. You're frustrated because they're not living life as you would. From our own experiences (both on the receiving help and giving help side of things) and from knowledge of how these arrangements worked out for others, you're experience is fairly typical. Stay calm. Figure out privately how to survive the next 3 weeks without impacting your health, etc., and then get out of town (leaving with graciousness, hugs and kisses!) and assume a much more arm's length relationship.

If, once you're back at home for a few weeks, you find yourself still dwelling on the kids' lifestyle issues (at least they're issues to you!) and can't get them off your mind, consider counseling.
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Old 05-07-2022, 10:35 AM   #45
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When does this 2nd course end? Assuming it's a matter of weeks, and you've committed to it, I would just wait it out, and then go back home (and stay there).
+1. With 3 weeks to go, there is much to be lost and little to be gained by being confrontational. Since OP lives 1,000 miles from the kids, protection from future involvement will be simple.
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Most of us remember those in laws visits!
Old 05-07-2022, 11:05 AM   #46
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Most of us remember those in laws visits!

I feel the need to remind everyone that most of us remember parents and in-laws visiting when we were young. I always admired my in-laws for the type of guest they were and now try to be like that when visiting my kids. My in-laws lived in Europe, english was a second language, mother-in-law spoke well. Father-in-law had to think about what he said before he spoke, english was harder for him. They would stay a month when visiting. THEY, not my husband or I, set the unspoken boundaries. They waited for us to leave for work before they got up. They went to bed at least an hour to two before us which allows for personal time with the spouse. They cooked their own meals and had their dinner around 3:30. They figured out the bus system and went on adventures, entertaining themselves. They even went grocery shopping for themselves, saying they preferred shopping every few days to get the fresh meat and veg. We went out on the weekends together and cooked together when everyone was not working.
When my mother visited she was a pain, she woke up very early and was in the way. She waited for us to entertain her. She constantly said "I don't want to be in the way", or waited for permission to eat something out of the fridge. She complained about the food in the fridge, complained a lot, about everything. One time she insisted on buying her own groceries which overfilled the fridge. Then got angry because one of the kids ate her yogurt. It drove me crazy, as it felt like I had to be responsible for her, just like a kid. Adding additional stress to a house of stress. Just remember everyone, when you visit your kids...try to be independent. Airbnb's are good!
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Old 05-07-2022, 03:04 PM   #47
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folly, are some people missing a common sense gene? For example oldest daughter and hubby have two very demanding jobs and two youngish kids.



We love day or weekend visits and have an open invite. For weekends we have a bachelor friend that live 15 minutes away from daughter. We go to friend Friday do an adventure take him out to dinner.


Saturday and Sunday might be a mix of friend stuff and family stuff. We never stay past 1pm on a Sunday because I know they need a little down time before school and work on Monday. It's just common courtesy and if you don't have it I don't know how you get it!
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Old 05-07-2022, 03:12 PM   #48
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folly, are some people missing a common sense gene? For example oldest daughter and hubby have two very demanding jobs and two youngish kids.



We love day or weekend visits and have an open invite. For weekends we have a bachelor friend that live 15 minutes away from daughter. We go to friend Friday do an adventure take him out to dinner.


Saturday and Sunday might be a mix of friend stuff and family stuff. We never stay past 1pm on a Sunday because I know they need a little down time before school and work on Monday. It's just common courtesy and if you don't have it I don't know how you get it!
I think it is family specific. What works for one family might not work for another. For example, we have our son, daughter and the little ones over for dinner on Sunday frequently. They come over for a couple of hours, and can relax a little since we play with the kids. I make dinner and they head home to give the kids baths and put them to bed.
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Old 05-07-2022, 03:30 PM   #49
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I think it is family specific. What works for one family might not work for another. For example, we have our son, daughter and the little ones over for dinner on Sunday frequently. They come over for a couple of hours, and can relax a little since we play with the kids. I make dinner and they head home to give the kids baths and put them to bed.
They live close and appreciate not cooking my point is not that there is only one right way,but that it takes all of us to think about each other.
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Old 05-07-2022, 06:04 PM   #50
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I think it is family specific. What works for one family might not work for another. For example, we have our son, daughter and the little ones over for dinner on Sunday frequently. They come over for a couple of hours, and can relax a little since we play with the kids. I make dinner and they head home to give the kids baths and put them to bed.


This is the kind of relationship I want with my daughter and her family, which is why we are moving closer to them. In our current house we are 1.5 hours away, so visits consume a whole day. Our new house will be half an hour away, so we can pop over for an hour to watch the grandson while his parents go for a bike ride together, or just have them all over to our house for dinner once every couple of weeks.
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Old 05-07-2022, 06:44 PM   #51
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This is the kind of relationship I want with my daughter and her family, which is why we are moving closer to them. In our current house we are 1.5 hours away, so visits consume a whole day. Our new house will be half an hour away, so we can pop over for an hour to watch the grandson while his parents go for a bike ride together, or just have them all over to our house for dinner once every couple of weeks.
You will be glad you are close to them! Enjoy!
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Old 05-27-2022, 07:11 AM   #52
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Update -

SIL got and received an offer that will allow remote working! Everyone is excited . This is the primary reason we agreed to help out.

We will stay an additional few days to facilitate day care and other changes.

We have taken 1 weekend out of town and working on taking another couple days
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Old 05-27-2022, 07:12 AM   #53
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Offer directly connected to training course and an employer partner to that training course
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Old 05-27-2022, 07:46 AM   #54
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Glad to hear it and hope that you did not burn any bridges with them. Hopefully, you can start to enjoy your retirement now.
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Old 05-27-2022, 08:54 AM   #55
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Congratulations to your SiL! Everyones hard work together paid off.
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Old 05-27-2022, 09:53 AM   #56
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As you communicate with them I have found that a respectful conversation can be had by saying. " We can't do that but we can do this" (IE We can't watch the kids this weekend but we can watch them Monday night....We can't host the 1 year olds birthday but we can reserve the community clubhouse for you. )

It's very hard to say no when it's your kids and you don't agree with how they divide their parenting/home life.
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Old 05-27-2022, 12:33 PM   #57
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That is good news. I appears your patience and constructive attitude have paid off.
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Old 05-27-2022, 05:31 PM   #58
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Congrats!
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Old 05-27-2022, 05:34 PM   #59
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Glad it worked and apparently you didn't have enough faith in your SIL...now all four of you can get back to regularly scheduled programming.
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Old 05-29-2022, 12:50 PM   #60
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That’s great news. I hope they appreciate your contribution.
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