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Old 03-03-2018, 07:35 AM   #121
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Thanks for the replies. I have been at the beach trying to get a handle on all of this. I have spoken with some dear friends, and we decided that we will give$10k for the dinner. I had always said that I would give each son 10k and a ladder if they would elope, so I guess that means 10k is the number. 25k wouldn't break the bank, but it would be 2 years of vacation funds. From what I have heard and seen, the new in-laws are very wealthy (8 figure wealth and 7 figure income), so the wedding isn't too much for them. I am in the 7 figure wealth (low 7 figure) and no earnings.

Thanks again for the help.
That sounds sensible, hope it works out for the best. Congratulations for your son’s marriage.
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:05 AM   #122
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Taxman ,So glad you came to a reasonable decision and Congratulations of your son's wedding .
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:11 AM   #123
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Taxman, I’m glad you have reached a decision that you can live with.

Quite frankly, if I were faced with this I would be tempted to just invite them over for a barbecue. It would be an American (US) cultural experience for the international guests and I’ll bet everybody would have a great time.
Great idea for people with space for lots of guests and a talent for barbecuing.
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:15 AM   #124
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Thanks for the replies. I have been at the beach trying to get a handle on all of this. I have spoken with some dear friends, and we decided that we will give$10k for the dinner. I had always said that I would give each son 10k and a ladder if they would elope, so I guess that means 10k is the number. 25k wouldn't break the bank, but it would be 2 years of vacation funds. From what I have heard and seen, the new in-laws are very wealthy (8 figure wealth and 7 figure income), so the wedding isn't too much for them. I am in the 7 figure wealth (low 7 figure) and no earnings.

Thanks again for the help.
I’m sure your DS will be very happy with your generous offer!

Our kids both married people from different cultures. Our lives have been so enriched getting to know their inlaws. I hope the same for you.
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:34 AM   #125
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Great idea for people with space for lots of guests and a talent for barbecuing.
Space and a talent for BBQ are easily rented. You don't actually want to be the BBQer because you want to meet people and enjoy the party.
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:41 AM   #126
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Space and a talent for BBQ are easily rented. You don't actually want to be the BBQer because you want to meet people and enjoy the party.
I thought “invite them over” meant to the inviter’s home. Yes, lots of places in Chicago to have barbecue.
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Old 03-03-2018, 08:43 AM   #127
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I thought “invite them over” meant to the inviter’s home. Yes, lots of places in Chicago to have barbecue.

Oh, I guess that part didn't register. Not many folks can just invite over a hundred or so guests and whip up a BBQ.
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:07 AM   #128
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I think you reached a great compromise. I like the idea of setting a fixed amount and letting them decide how it should be spent. My son married a woman from Poland and it has been great fun getting to know her family.
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Old 03-03-2018, 10:15 AM   #129
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I think consensus has been achieved on this forum - way over the top.

On the plus side, it makes me feel better about DD wedding in a couple of months! (we set up a joint checking account for them, deposited $15k and said do what you want with it (secretly hoping they'd elope and have that money for setting up household, longer honeymoon, etc). I haven't asked what their total is and wont. Future SIL parents will take care of rehearsal dinner, I don't know where, haven't asked, and am not concerned whether at the corner bar or a catered event - it's about the people, not the food/drink/venue.

For our 2 sons who where married 3 and 4 years ago, for first son, since we had a lot of out of towners and extended family, I smoked about 50 pounds of pulled pork and we "catered" it ourselves. That was great and relaxing.

For second son, we found a restaurant that had a private room and an "event menu" with 3-4 choices - smaller group but I think cost about $1300 or so. That too was nice and I didn't have to cook!

Then for each of the sons, we contributed $5k to their honeymoons (which one managed that as full cost).

I think back to the many weddings I've been to for others over the years and can't really say I remember one over the others, except those that appeared to spend a large amount - but I remember those as a waste of money vs a special event. Like others, I hope your DS is prepared for potential lifestyle expectation challenges that may come up when married (house, car, vacations, etc) because it doesn't come across that a LBYM attitude may be shared.
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Old 03-04-2018, 07:48 AM   #130
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Wedding traditions differ, and we need to respect them. Traditionally in the US, the bride’s parents would transfer property to the groom in exchange for taking the girl off their hands. How many acres is the groom receiving in this case?


I have 10 acres and six dairy goats set aside. Now DD needs to find someone who can milk and feed them.
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:00 PM   #131
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DD decided on a destination wedding. It was great for us. We paid. There was much less organizing and zero emotional angst. On the beach, beautiful warm sunny day whilst it was cold and snowy at home.
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Old 03-05-2018, 12:38 AM   #132
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I've heard of the "rehearsal dinner" concept but have never been part of one. I've been to a bunch of weddings and only one had a rehearsal dinner. I'm from California so maybe it's a regional thing not common on the west coast?
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:22 AM   #133
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My daughter was hitched two weeks ago, very nice wedding in a great historic hotel, small ceremony, about 30 in attendance, later this summer they are going to have a "reception" in a barn with a lot more attendees, may be up to a 150 or so, we committed to 5k, they will likely stay within if not slightly under that budget. As far as the rehearsal dinner goes, I don't think there was one, heck, we didn't even have a rehearsal.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:43 AM   #134
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I've heard of the "rehearsal dinner" concept but have never been part of one. I've been to a bunch of weddings and only one had a rehearsal dinner. I'm from California so maybe it's a regional thing not common on the west coast?


In California, often the venues have the rehearsal more than one day before the wedding. In our case, we got married on a Saturday but the rehearsal was on Thursday. We hosted a small dinner party at a restaurant Thursday night for those involved in the rehearsal (immediate family and very close friends). We hosted a catered party at our home Friday night and included all out of town guests as a “thank you” for their making the trip for our wedding. Usually only people in the wedding party plus immediate family are included in a rehearsal dinner.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:23 AM   #135
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I remember once listening to an NPR segment once about how the wedding industry really took off after Charles and Diana's elaborate, fairy-tale wedding televised on TV.

That eventually led to the bridezilla phenomenon.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:28 AM   #136
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We gave our DD 15K for her wedding. Told her to keep what she doesn't spend. Ended up spending 8K and pocketing 7K. Very nice wedding and reception. I imagine DS will be next. His GF's parents have zero money, so we may end up having to pay for both wedding and rehearsal dinner. We'll probably pony-up the same 15K for him. Our oldest DD already spent her wedding money (on other things), so she's on her own.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:30 AM   #137
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.... DW and I have been to three of what I call "Queen for a Day" weddings, where seemingly no expense was spared. I don't know if it is coincidence or an exposure of an underlying flaw, but none of those three marriages lasted 5 years.
At DD's wedding last summer one of our guests was telling me that they had recently been to a lavish wedding where the parents of the bride spent $40,000.... just on flowers!

DW is an avid gardener previously worked in a florist shop making arrangements.... between her garden and those of some of her gardener friends and some flowers bought from Trader Joe's she transformed them into beautiful flowers for each table at the reception and bouquets and boutineers for the wedding party for a couple hundred bucks.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:57 AM   #138
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I have been at a ton of weddings both lavish and pretty simple .The ones I remember are the unique ones not the over the top lavish ones .Weddings are expensive .Attending weddings can be costly especially when transportation ,hotel stays, clothing and gifts are added in.
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Old 03-05-2018, 12:16 PM   #139
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When I was much younger, a friend of mine married a Greek girl. What a wedding her family threw for a small sum! Probably the most fun I have ever had at any get together.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:35 PM   #140
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........ flowers bought from Trader Joe's she transformed them into beautiful flowers for each table at the reception and bouquets and boutineers for the wedding party for a couple hundred bucks.
Well sure, but where are the bragging rights for that? Half the fun of spending large amounts of money is "complaining " about it later.
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