How strong is the lure of family?

[astroboy]

Wife and I had always planned on moving from CA to somewhere in the South for the obvious reasons (weather, cost of living, change of pace, etc), but lately she has having serious second thoughts. Twenty years ago we moved from her IL hometown to CA and have done well but without any other family here and never really connecting with any new friends we have been on our own here, so she is feeling a longing to be around her family and old friends on a permanent basis. Guess not uncommon feeling as you get older.
I don't have a big problem with the idea and enjoy her family and our old friends and miss them, but am concerned about the higher taxes, snow and cold, the idea that being away from family can be a good thing many times, the gnawing sense that we are "going back" and not "progressing" to newer things, a "been there, done that" feeling, and that this would go against everything we have planned for and dreamed of with a new life.
Maybe her feelings will pass but her idea keeps popping up more often. I am just wondering how strong the lure of family and old friends are in making decision where to retire to. We aren't ones to make new friends easily, so maybe that trumps all the other consderations. Considering wife's hatred of bitter cold and snow, the lure of family must be strong for her.

 

[REWahoo]

Have you considered the option of moving close enough to be within a reasonable driving distance of family and old friends, yet not entirely give up your dream? There are some nice areas in SW Missouri that might be worth considering. Might not fully meet your concerns about snow and cold, cost of living, etc., but it could be worth considering.

 

[Khan]

'Family ' is highly overrated.

What terrible things will occur if you/dw can not interact with relatives every day?

 

[Nords]

Considering wife's hatred of bitter cold and snow, the lure of family must be strong for her.

Take a look at this thread:
http://early-retirement.org/forums/index.php?topic=11276.msg205359#msg205359

The family lure may be strong, but a few years later you may be chewing off a limb to escape from the trap. Of course that's just my opinion...

 

[DangerMouse]

We find that a distance of 10,000 miles serves as a nice buffer for family. Whenver we start to get too semtimentanl about missing them we regale each other with stories from our previous pilgrammages and that quickly ensures no flight bookings are made. When then plead there is no chance of us coming home because the big bad salve-drive american corporation won't let us have a day off.

One of the things putting us off about retiring and returning to our home country is having to listen to the negativity and whining of family members.

 

[jdw_fire]

Maybe you should become snow birds where your main residence is in the south and during the pleasant months make extended trips bace to IL to feed the longing for family & old friends.

 

[laurence]

I second jdw_fires idea. FWIW, I live about 100 miles from my mom right now, and it seems to be a workable distance. Independence with the option of a weekend visit always open (since having the granddaughter, I'm reminded of this option a little more often : ).

 

[Linney]

I guess I get along better with my family than some of the other posters here.

Like your wife, I moved away from my family and over the years yearned to be closer again. After 15 years of being away, I finally moved back, leaving the beautiful California weather for the rainy greyness of the Pacific Northwest. But after 6 years I can say that I'm glad that we made the move. I enjoy my extended family and instead of seeing them just once or twice a year, I now get to join them for birthday parties, barbeques, holiday parties and more. I get to go to sports events to cheer on my nephews and neices. I have reconnected with my high-school best friend and we are going to Hawaii in a couple months for a girlfriends getaway. It was a very good move for me. We chose to live one hour away from the main family clan. That allows us to visit easily but not close enough for frequent drop-ins.

Good luck in your decision. If you can afford to 'snowbird', that could be an excellent compromise solution.

 

[Outtahere]

I live very close to my family, infact I own the house next to my parents and all my siblings are within either walking distance or a 10 to 20 minute drive. We get along well but as with all families there are trying times. Dh would like to winter in the south once I retire but I don't know if I want to be away from family for months at a time. Talk to your wife about the options, a southern home within a couple hours driving distance, or maybe spend the summer months with family and winter in the south.

 

[lets-retire]

The inlaws moved a little closer to us a couple years ago, so of course during the DW's rehab time we drove up and visited. The area was decent and cheap, so on the way back the idea was brought up about moving closer to them. I agreed, but only on the condition that at least one of us had a job prior to moving. As luck would have it I was offered one about a year later and off we went. Now prior to the job materilaizing the offer was recinded, but the DW got one, so I'm pretending to be JG.

We live about 20 minutes from the in-laws and if it wasn't for the fact that the DW carpools with her mother we'd only see them for Sunday dinner.

 

[youbet]

Here's another one of those topics where there is no correct answer other than doing what YOU want is the right thing for YOU to do!

DW and I relish being near family and long-term friends. There's no one we see frequently other than my son's family where I do some chauffer duties two days a week. But there are lots of folks we see from time to time that we'd miss if we were far away. This Thursday evening is typical. We're meeting three buddies I went to MBA school with and their wives for dinner and a play. Other weeks we might be getting together with extended family members or other friends. But if that kind of interaction doesn't float your boat, simple, don't do it and don't move close to enable it. One size does not fit all!

If you and DW don't share the same desires in this regard, hmmmmm, that sure makes it a little more complicated. Snowbirding, two homes, etc., have already been mentioned and should be considered.

 

[Brat]

Astroboy, do you have children? If so, and they stay on the west coast, you may be boomerang seniors.

If you don't have kids then I recommend moving closer to family and old friends, all things being equal. There is no one else who cares more about your welfare when things get tough.

 

[Moemg]

[quote . There is no one else who cares more about your welfare when things get tough.
[/quote]


Boy do I agree with that !

 

[bbbamI]

For me the lure of family is strong.

In our married life, we have moved several times and with each move, the miles have increased from our home town. Since our parents are getting older (as we all are), I feel guilt that we aren't closer in distance. But the job brought us where we are now, and DH only has 2 more years to go to get full retirement benefits.

We do see our family several times a year and get together with the old friends. We know the parents are happy where they are and would not want to be uprooted. As far as the friends go, well their lives have changed as well. It's just not what it used to be. I have sentimental feelings for the area that I was brought up, but truth be told, I don't want to live there again. I have to separate feelings from reality.

We thought that once DH retires, we might move closer to his sister. We have a niece and nephew that live in the same area. But to believe the "kids" will always stay there is foolish. We finally realized once he retires, we can go see the family as often as we like, and more importantly come home when we're ready.

 

[bssc]

My wife and I agreed that we would not live in the same state as any of our family members to keep things workable.

 

[Andre1969]

I don't really feel that I have a strong tie to my family, but more to the comfortable familiarity I have with my surroundings. My family has pretty much lived in the same area forever. My grandmother has been living in the same house since 1950, and I live in the house that her uncle built way back in 1916. I've grown up in this area, don't really know anything else, and even though it's constantly changing (development and such), it's home to me and I feel comfortable.

I do like having my grandmother right across the street from me, especially as she gets older. But when it comes to, say, my Mom and stepdad, I can take either one by themselves in small doses, but put them together and within an hour, I feel this deep-rooted primal urge to kill rise up from within! The problem is that they just pick and pick and pick and don't know when to shut up. And one of two things is happening...either they're getting more annoying and picky as they get older, or I'm just developing less patience for it. Or maybe a little of both!

 

[Khan]

I don't really feel that I have a strong tie to my family, but more to the comfortable familiarity I have with my surroundings. My family has pretty much lived in the same area forever. My grandmother has been living in the same house since 1950, and I live in the house that her uncle built way back in 1916. I've grown up in this area, don't really know anything else, and even though it's constantly changing (development and such), it's home to me and I feel comfortable.

I do like having my grandmother right across the street from me, especially as she gets older. But when it comes to, say, my Mom and stepdad, I can take either one by themselves in small doses, but put them together and within an hour, I feel this deep-rooted primal urge to kill rise up from within! The problem is that they just pick and pick and pick and don't know when to shut up. And one of two things is happening...either they're getting more annoying and picky as they get older, or I'm just developing less patience for it. Or maybe a little of both!

I read somewhere that as people age their personality/habits/tendencies get stronger. The generous become more generous, the talkative become more talkative, the jerks become bigger jerks...

 

[Andre1969]

I read somewhere that as people age their personality/habits/tendencies get stronger. The generous become more generous, the talkative become more talkative, the jerks become bigger jerks...

Hmmm, maybe that explains why I seem to be getting more antisocial as I age?

 

[Goonie]

Our family has never really been 'close-knit'. Sometimes (most times?) it seems that we more or less tolerate each other mostly. I have relatively few relatives ( ) still on the top side of the tombstone, and most of them are either close in proximity but not close as in camaraderie, or close in camaraderie but not in proximity. Then, of course, there are those who are not close in either sense!!!

I have a couple of siblings, one is 950+ mile east, the other is 650+ mile west. Being siblings, ya gotta love 'em! BUT, ya ain't gotta be close to 'em! My bro and I have a lot of shared interests, opinions, and view points. We can sit for hours and talk. My sis and I have less in common (interest, opinions, view points, etc) and we can talk for minutes and actually can get on one another's nerves VERY quickly!

Moving closer to either really wouldn't be an option for me. The weather isn't much different where my bro lives than it is here (a lot of times worse), and IF I were to move it would be to a nicer climate. And where my sis lives has more ice, HOT weather, tornadoes, dust, etc., again I'd be going for a nicer climate!

I'd drive to visit either of them, but I certainly wouldn't move there!

 

[Goonie]

Hmmm, maybe that explains why I seem to be getting more antisocial as I age?

Me too!!!

 

[Joss]

For my wife and I, our families are much nicer in the abstract than the actuality. Several years ago we were feeling particularly homesick for my side and put together a barefoot cruise in the Caribbean: about 8 people on a 65' sailing yacht, unlimited booze, 6 days straight. What could be more idyllic?

That cured us. Forever.

I suggest just diving in, in the middle of winter, with at least a week long visit. Make it intense. Make it real. If the desires to relocate persist then they must be valid.

 

[Brat]

I would have no problem returning to the city I grew up in, the relatives that remain can be fun.. and those that aren't fun don't socialize much.

Now to move near my sister ... no way.

 

[dumpster56]

We moved real close to the wifes family. Now my MIL is a sweet lady my FIL is well a hypocondriac drinker and well interesting, but like watching a 2 year old, not my idea of fun, and then the wifes sister! Can you say wacko??

I keep my distance down here and watch the wife and her family from my arms length, since I MOVED HER DOWN TO THESE FOLKS!

Oh well I can always move again, when the market wakes up!

 

[Khan]

For my wife and I, our families are much nicer in the abstract than the actuality. Several years ago we were feeling particularly homesick for my side and put together a barefoot cruise in the Caribbean: about 8 people on a 65' sailing yacht, unlimited booze, 6 days straight. What could be more idyllic?

That cured us. Forever.

I suggest just diving in, in the middle of winter, with at least a week long visit. Make it intense. Make it real. If the desires to relocate persist then they must be valid.

Was there the same number of people at the end as at the start?

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

There is no one else who cares more about your welfare when things get tough.

i also completely agree with this. even for all the years that my brother & i fought, i always said, "i wouldn't give him the time of day but i'd give him a kidney." it is wonderful now that we are friends (though i'm much older now and rethinking the kidney; maybe a nice watch instead.)

i've lived most of my entire life around family, including just miles from first & second cousins who i see fairly often (they all followed us down to florida). though now that i have been er'd a year and a half i realize how little actual time i spend with them--even though we talk on the phone and meet for lunches & dinners--because i'm the only one not working.

for my future i think i want to be a perpetual traveler but i don't know how i will feel being based far from family all the time. so i'm only going to ease myself into it over a period of years to see how i do. for me family ties are strong. now to see how long is our string.