Interesting article about friendship in later years

[vafoodie]

Maintaining friendships is another worry I have in retirement. I have always had friends, but my husband not so much. Now that we are both retired, and together all the time, I am feeling a bit claustrophobic.

https://www.thecut.com/2022/08/helpi...4-a551904d0f3e

[ExFlyBoy5]

An entertaining and interesting article even though the veracious use of the "F" word was a bit much.

My Dad spent several years taking care of my Mom and many of his friends went on their own paths. After Mom died, Dad started have some friends over on Sundays for Happy Hour and it really made his life "worth living." I lived 15 minutes away and saw him pretty much every other day. We also had a standing lunch at the local Ihop where he could tell his stories to innocent/unknowing patrons. As he aged, his older friends started to die and you could see how that affected him. Ultimately, he lost all his friends and he passed not too much longer after that. Sure, he was almost 91 years old and had pretty bad COPD, but I do think that the loss of his friends didn't help.

Thankfully, my DW *is* my best friend. We kind of met in a "friendly" way too, so it's been that way for 17 years. I am not sure what I would do without her.

I have 3 friends I talk to on a regular basis, none of which live near me. There are a couple of former w*rk/flying colleagues that live in the local area and we get together once every 3 months or so for lunch or something. Other than that, just a lot of "2nd level" friends or what I would probably just call acquaintances. There is also an annual camping trip I take where 4-5 of us old school buds meet up for a few days...and that's really plenty for me.

Speaking of popular, my high school class is trying to wrangle folks for the 30 year reunion. We had a graduating class of nearly 600, yet only 26 people have signed up. The reunion self-anointed leader has tried everything to get the required 60 people to sign up to be able to use the venue. One of his last posts was basically trying to guilt people into going to which I felt the need to respond. I basically outlined that fact that most folks are still keeping up with those they liked then & now and have little to no desire to "relive" the HS years. My response was immediately deleted and not responded to. Although I didn't dislike HS, I have zero desire to relive those days.

[pacergal]

Agreed. Maintaining connection is important. DH and I have several acquaintances, but only a handful of true friends, unfortunately they don't live close by. One couple we travel with frequently. We keep in touch with other friends via text, phone calls, and FB, and we each do occasional trips alone to see our personal friends.
Acquaintances we see more often, but still open the majority of our time doing our own thing.
We are both introverts, so alone time is not bothersome.

OP--perhaps you and DH could find some things of interest outside your home to do?
Does your DH rely on you to entertain him and keep him company?
I know you had a longer thread earlier with some similar concerns.

[njhowie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vafoodie Now that we are both retired, and together all the time, I am feeling a bit claustrophobic.

DW and I went through that initially. After a short while, we realized it's ok to go do our own thing without the other and it's actually necessary. When we're at home, it's also ok for us to be at opposite ends of the house, doing whatever, without the other. Our house is quite large for two people and we have many things to keep us busy, both individually and together.

Everything in moderation - even togetherness.

[Dash man]

DW is also my best friend. I nearly lost her 16 years ago, but thank God she beat ovarian cancer. I’d be lost without her.
She has friends from her former work she stays in touch with, and we have family nearby and others we are sure to get together with a few times per year. My work friends have mostly drifted away, but we sometimes text or call. We also have church friends that we see regularly at church or during church related activities. I’m mostly a loner, so not having much in the way of friends other than DW doesn’t bother me. I enjoy quiet time.

[rodi]

I have a lot of acquaintances - but only half dozen good friends. That said - my good friends are with me through thick and thin. We live all over the country, but we get together for travel and fun. My BFF lives 1700 miles away - but is currently in my kitchen making home made ravioli.

The acquaintances are folks I see regularly on my beach walks - we know what's going on with each others lives, occasionally go to the same social event... but their not deep friendships.

I'm much more of an introvert than Veronica is (as described in the article), but I value my long term friends and my acquaintances.

[COcheesehead]

The easiest way to make friends is through activities. So stay active and take a risk every once in awhile by reaching out to someone and ask would you like to take a walk, hike, have a glass of wine, go for a bike ride, etc. You’ll soon have lots of friends.
The hard part comes later when you realize you don’t want to be friends with all of them. LOL.

[Souschef]

Late in life, I met a man through his wife. He had Parkinson's and could not get a license, but loved to fly. I was flying for Angel Flight West, and disliked flying solo.

From that point we bonded, and flew numerous missions together. In fact, the organization gave us a "Joined at the Hip" award after we flew 60 missions together.
We really enjoyed each other's company and had the same wacky sense of humor. We were totally professional when we had a patient, but on the other leg.....

Our last project together was to restore a 1941 Switch engine. It was a perfect fit for us. He had been a diesel mechanic and was an Electrical Engineer.
Sadly, he moved back East, but we still keep in touch.

[Chuckanut]

After the divorce I kept busy with work. But, in retirement I started feeling lonely at times. Having girl-friends was not difficult. As we get older the odds tilt in a man's favor assuming the guy is reasonably healthy, financially secure, bathes regularly and has no serious addictions (chocolate and caffeine are not considered serious ).

I made a conscious decision to reconnect with some old friends. I was amazed at how many felt the same way. Even the married ones admitted that outside of their family contacts their wives were the ones who made and kept friendly contacts. The men sort of piggy backed on their efforts.

Not having a wife, I had to reach out myself. I think most of the guys I contacted appreciated the effort.

[daylatedollarshort]

We usually belong to a few senior clubs each year and have made most of our friends through those, usually other couples. Sometimes we belong to hobby clubs, like astronomy and gold panning, as well. There seem to be a lot of widows at the senior clubs so if something happened to either one of us, it seems like it would not be hard to make some new single friends.

[Teacher Terry]

I have always felt it’s important for people to have friends their age. It’s a mistake just to have family and a spouse in your social circle. Women tend to be better at this then men. When I got divorced almost 2 years ago my social life didn’t change that much because I still had all my friends and activities.

[luckydude]

Quote:

Originally Posted by COcheesehead The easiest way to make friends is through activities. So stay active and take a risk every once in awhile by reaching out to someone and ask would you like to take a walk, hike, have a glass of wine, go for a bike ride, etc. You’ll soon have lots of friends. The hard part comes later when you realize you don’t want to be friends with all of them. LOL.

Ever since I FIREd in 2015, virtually all the new friends I've made have been through mountain biking. I've met people on trails and in group rides ranging in ages from 20s to 70s. Some have become great friends and regular riding buddies, while others are more casual acquaintances that I will stop and chat with for a few minutes when I run into them on trails.

And then there are a couple of people that are complete a**holes---5 minutes of riding together was more than enough to tell me that I never want to see their faces again.

[COcheesehead]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry I have always felt it’s important for people to have friends their age. It’s a mistake just to have family and a spouse in your social circle. Women tend to be better at this then men. When I got divorced almost 2 years ago my social life didn’t change that much because I still had all my friends and activities.

We have friends across a wide age range. It keeps things interesting. We have friends that are older and can give us sage advice and friends younger that get us involved in things we may have overlooked, music, trivia nights at brew pubs, new restaurants, Jeeping to name a few.

[Surewhitey]

In hindsight, our moving around the country & Mexico has widened our friends immensely. We are meeting LA friends in Italy in September and our CO friends are moving to Costa Rica for a year and "have a room for our visit".

I agree with most here, acquaintances are plentiful, friends 1-2 dozen, max. Some older, some younger.

[Scuba]

When DH and I moved from the Coast to the Desert, I decided to start a Meetup group to make female friends. We have almost 400 members after 13 months, with the age range being 30’s to 80’s. Most members are 55-75. We have 25-30 activities a month - truly something for everyone.

The first year, it was a lot of work to build it up, but now many others are helping by planning and hosting events. I’m focusing on building closer relationships with the people I really resonate with this year vs growing the group, meeting everyone, and trying to make everyone feel welcome, which was last year’s focus.

[harllee]

My 90 year old mother lives in an independent living apartment in a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community). It has been a blessing for her in many ways--one of the main ones being all the friends she has made there. She is never lonely. They eat meals together and do many activities. She even has a "boyfriend" (but she says it is not serious).

[2017ish]

This is a downside to our traveling so much. And, long-term, something that we may need to address.

We have basically two couples that we would consider fairly close friends--and we met them in the 90s before we all independently fled the town in which we resided. Now, we get together with them once or twice a year, although we communicate frequently.

Our few friends here gradually drifted away after we retired to travel, perhaps assisted by their discomfort during covid. (Doesn't help that we have no neighbors in close proximity and are at home 5 or 6 months of the year.)

Luckily, we enjoy being together, even though we've lived in each other's hip pockets for the past 5 years.