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Old 02-22-2021, 07:02 PM   #21
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No. You shouldn't even feel obligated to invite them to dinner.

If you want their company, that's one thing. But even if they still lived at home I wouldn't invite them on vacation. They should be living their own lives.

Again, if you enjoy their company, do as you please. But obligation is off the board, AFAIC.
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Old 02-22-2021, 07:27 PM   #22
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I have an 18 year old (Senior in HS) and 20 year old (taking a break from college and working). Both under roof.

They would *love* it if we invited them on all our trips we have planned (tentatively for when pandemic is over). We have been actively lobbied by both sons to take them to Japan. But - after our last Italy trip where older son had a meltdown/tantrum and told us we sucked... they are no longer part of the plan unless *we* decide we want to spend that amount of time/money with/on them.

We are including them on a planned camping trip to the Grand Canyon later this year... but 4 days camping should be ok.
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Old 02-22-2021, 07:49 PM   #23
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Does she know how you feel and why?

It does no good to just make decisions that others don't have the opportunity to understand....IMHO. The anger that results from having difficult discussions is uncomfortable....but the learning and growth can go a long way.

I know because I was this daughter/sister at one time...but did not know it. It wasn't until my family was honest that I understood how I was viewed, and how I needed to change my behavior to be accepted.

Just a thought.....
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:19 PM   #24
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Did your parents take you on vacation when you were 24?
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:41 PM   #25
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Should we feel obligated to invite our adult (out of the house) children with us on vacation?

Hubby and I are escaping the frozen tundra for a couple of weeks. Hubby is working remotely so he can work while there if he chooses. It's also a potential retirement location for us so we will be scouting out the area for that, as well.

My 24 year old daughter lives nearby and has a great corporate job, working remotely. She was not our easy child, if you know what I mean, and she is not an easy adult. She is and always has been narcissistic to the point of making all our family vacations unbearable. She doesn't want anything to do with us unless she needs something or wants us to buy stuff for her.

There's a good chance she would want to come with us if invited (because she would get free food and could party at the bars). I wouldn't mind her for a few days, but two weeks would ruin our vacation. We're not planning on inviting her but I'm feeling guilty about it.

We do have designated "family vacations" but this is not one of them, in my opinion. (She was mad at us last year when we didn't invite her on our Tennessee vacation.)

Just wondering how you all handle this situation? At what stage of life is it OK to want to take a vacation without kids?
I know how I would handle that situation.



Your DD is NOT entitled to make your vacations miserable. Ditch the guilt.
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:49 PM   #26
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We have a family member who fits the same description. I think parenting out of guilt comes in to play here. In our case the parents feel guilty their daughter turned into a self absorbed narcissist and they blame themselves for letting it happen. When she took a vacation with us it was filled with drama. Not doing that again.
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:52 PM   #27
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At age 24, each of my daughters had plenty of travels on their own and limited vacation time from work. Inviting them to come on vacation with us would’ve meant giving up something else.

I’ll echo others...heck no are you obligated to invite your 24- yr old daughter.

With both DD’s married and one grandchild so far, we would like to have a big family trip together. We enjoy our girls and the sons-in-law and they all enjoy spending time together. But...limited vacation time for them makes it hard.
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Old 02-22-2021, 08:55 PM   #28
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All the answers above were as I expected. Here is another angle. My aunt and uncle had a time share in Kona, and their kids would sometimes travel with them but it was never easy. My aunt was a bit of a drama person and so were some of the children/spouses. The history and dynamics set them up for a bad time.
My wife and i started traveling with them and it worked. We simply would not play the drama game, and respected each other's sensitivities at the same time.
You can choose who you travel with and not feel any guilt about it.
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Old 02-22-2021, 09:06 PM   #29
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Our daughter lived at home till she was 30, but vacations were "our" time. With very few exceptions our daughter stayed home any time we went on vacation. Yes, there were one or two trips we took as a family, but most vacations were a chance for my wife and I to relax and reconnect. That's hard to do with a third person, daughter or otherwise.

One of my sister-in-laws and her husband often take her mom (or his, or both) on vacation with them. I don't get it... That's not a vacation, that's baby sitting.
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Old 02-23-2021, 12:51 AM   #30
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My parents left us kids alone for over a week while they vacationed in FL , we were teenagers. It was their vacation, not ours.

DW & I go on vacation, we send Christmas cards with photos of all the places we have vacationed to the kids, and tell them about our trips. They are fine with it. They go on their own vacations.

OP - You don't need to take anybody you don't want on vacation.

If your DD complains to you, tell her next trip she takes, she can invite you along to be her guest. Watch her shut up quick then.
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Old 02-23-2021, 03:04 AM   #31
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I agree with everyone here who has said that you should feel no obligation to invite your adult daughter on vacation with you. I know families who do vacation with their kids, but it's because they all get along very well, and have made the transition to having enjoyable and healthy adult relationships with them. They vacation with their children because they want to - and the kids feel the same.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver View Post
Does she know how you feel and why?

It does no good to just make decisions that others don't have the opportunity to understand....IMHO. The anger that results from having difficult discussions is uncomfortable....but the learning and growth can go a long way.

I know because I was this daughter/sister at one time...but did not know it. It wasn't until my family was honest that I understood how I was viewed, and how I needed to change my behavior to be accepted.

Just a thought.....
A good point, which hadn't occurred to me.
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Old 02-23-2021, 05:33 AM   #32
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My sister and I (in our 40's) still vacation with our parents occasionally. My mom is single and afraid to travel on her own, so my sister and I organize short family vacations to get her out of town every once in a while. My dad and my stepmom sometimes invite my sister and me (as well as our respective SOs) on trips as well. They usually book a luxury resort and pay for everything. We all go along pretty well and those trips are often memorable. But, except for my mother, we all vacation on our own as well. My sister has her RV and loves camping, my dad and stepmom love cruising, while I prefer culturally-enriching road trips with pit stops in nicer hotels.
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Old 02-23-2021, 05:41 AM   #33
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Originally Posted by SunnyD View Post
Should we feel obligated to invite our adult (out of the house) children with us on vacation?

Hubby and I are escaping the frozen tundra for a couple of weeks. Hubby is working remotely so he can work while there if he chooses. It's also a potential retirement location for us so we will be scouting out the area for that, as well.

My 24 year old daughter lives nearby and has a great corporate job, working remotely. She was not our easy child, if you know what I mean, and she is not an easy adult. She is and always has been narcissistic to the point of making all our family vacations unbearable. She doesn't want anything to do with us unless she needs something or wants us to buy stuff for her.

There's a good chance she would want to come with us if invited (because she would get free food and could party at the bars). I wouldn't mind her for a few days, but two weeks would ruin our vacation. We're not planning on inviting her but I'm feeling guilty about it.

We do have designated "family vacations" but this is not one of them, in my opinion. (She was mad at us last year when we didn't invite her on our Tennessee vacation.)

Just wondering how you all handle this situation? At what stage of life is it OK to want to take a vacation without kids?
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Old 02-23-2021, 05:57 AM   #34
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She is an adult. No obligation the way I see it.
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Old 02-23-2021, 01:15 PM   #35
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If you feel like you are under some form of obligation then I agree the answer should be "no". Vacation is a time to get away, relax and have fun. Not to drag stress with you under some obligation. Sounds like it might be good for her to realize that its "your" vacation and not hers. Sounds like one day she might be a candidate to believing your money is hers and not yours. (sorry, maybe reading more into this than there might be)
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Old 02-23-2021, 01:35 PM   #36
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GF's daughter is 21 and we don't take her on our vacations, but we have taken a couple weekend/week long trips with her that we have timed for her school breaks. But, those are separate from our trips when we go alone.

The plan this winter (canceled due to Covid) was to go to Mazatlán for 6-8 weeks. GF had planned to invite her daughter to join us for 1 week during one of her scheduled breaks.
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Old 02-23-2021, 03:37 PM   #37
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It all depends on your kids and whether you all enjoy being together. If you don't enjoy being together, don't invite them.

Personally, my wife and I love having our 25 and 26 year old sons join us whenever they can... and they like being with us. I can't think of many things that give me more more joy in life than being with my kids. I consider myself extremely lucky in that regard.
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Old 02-23-2021, 04:06 PM   #38
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We sometimes take our adult kids along but we didn't when they were 24 and still somewhat unpleasant to us in many ways. By the time they got into their late 20s we started taking them, though not every time, and it's been great. There may be hope for her yet; good luck!

Actually we did have DD join us for a week in Paris when she was about 20 and that was great, though I think we had very different vacations. We were already time adjusted from a meeting in western France the week before and she was not. She'd stay out late at the cafe below our apartment so we would sightsee on our own in the morning and rouse her for lunch. That meant when we went to Versailles with her we got there too late to go inside (ok by me). On other days she preferred to browse shops and get her nails done to talk to the locals while DH and I went to museums. So we more or less paid to get her over to Paris for her to have a great vacation and to have lunch and dinner with her. LOL
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Old 02-23-2021, 04:24 PM   #39
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Since he moved out of the house 20+ years ago, we have never planned a vacation with DS. We HAVE planned extended vacations, and then asked if he and SO wanted join for part of the time, and twice they have. No pressure, we enjoy their company (and SO is now DDIL).
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