Inviting Adult Children on Vacation?

[SunnyD]

Should we feel obligated to invite our adult (out of the house) children with us on vacation?

Hubby and I are escaping the frozen tundra for a couple of weeks. Hubby is working remotely so he can work while there if he chooses. It's also a potential retirement location for us so we will be scouting out the area for that, as well.

My 24 year old daughter lives nearby and has a great corporate job, working remotely. She was not our easy child, if you know what I mean, and she is not an easy adult. She is and always has been narcissistic to the point of making all our family vacations unbearable. She doesn't want anything to do with us unless she needs something or wants us to buy stuff for her.

There's a good chance she would want to come with us if invited (because she would get free food and could party at the bars). I wouldn't mind her for a few days, but two weeks would ruin our vacation. We're not planning on inviting her but I'm feeling guilty about it.

We do have designated "family vacations" but this is not one of them, in my opinion. (She was mad at us last year when we didn't invite her on our Tennessee vacation.)

Just wondering how you all handle this situation? At what stage of life is it OK to want to take a vacation without kids?

 

[harley]

No. You shouldn't even feel obligated to invite them to dinner.

If you want their company, that's one thing. But even if they still lived at home I wouldn't invite them on vacation. They should be living their own lives.

Again, if you enjoy their company, do as you please. But obligation is off the board, AFAIC.

 

[ivinsfan]

Is it the vacation or the daughter that's the problem?

If it won't be good to have her along and she'll B and M if you leave her behind, I'd take the stress free vacation 100 out of 100 times.

I'm sorry you have this awful dynamic going on with your DD. Stop feeling guilty about a 24 year old self supporting person.

 

[MRG]

Oh h*ll no.

 

[Aerides]

Ugh no, she's 24 not 12.

I would have thought it odd if my parents invited me, at 24, let alone actually wanted to go. Does she not have friends?

No need to feel guilt. Don't invite her, enjoy yourself, block her whining while you're gone, and expect her to be pouty and punitive for a while. She may outgrow it by 30.

 

[Bigdawg]

Is it the vacation or the daughter that's the problem?

If it won't be good to have her along and she'll B and M if you leave her behind, I'd take the stress free vacation 100 out of 100 times.

I'm sorry you have this awful dynamic going on with your DD. Stop feeling guilty about a 24 year old self supporting person.

^This. And also the "Helz to the nooooo!" Treat her like the bratty adult she is. Stop treating your adult child like a regular child. Now that I think about it I would not accept that behavior from any child of any age. Good luck. Just don't invite her. Who cares what she says behind your back.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

My kids are still school-age, so they join us on vacations. Once they’re out of the house, though, there’s no way I’d feel obligated to bring them on trips. If there was so much as a whiff of entitlement from an adult child, I’d make it a point NOT to invite them.

 

[pacergal]

Even when our kids were younger, DH and I would go on some vacations without them.
We always had a family vacation planned every year, some big, some simple camping, but emphasized time for Mom and Dad was important to0.

Your daughter is 24, she should not be expecting to tag along at that age.

 

[brett]

I cannot think of one reason why you would invite this person to join you on a family vacation. Well, perhaps if you want to be a martyr.

Forget about letting your daughter making you feel guilty.

Cannot imagine inviting our adult children on a vacation.

Ours certainly have no desire to vacation with us.

 

[Dash man]

There’s no obligation to invite her or any other family. Nor are we upset if we invite family and they turn us down. It’s fun to get people together who enjoy being together without the drama that some may bring along.

 

[jollystomper]

It depends on the relationship. From what the OP posted, if that is the type of relationship I had with my child, I probably would not. But on occasion we have invited our adult children on vacation. Sometimes they have accepted, sometimes they have declined. When they have come, it has usually been to a place where we can choose not to be together all the time.

DW and I have different interests, some of our kids share interests with one or the other of us, so having them with us can increase the enjoyment of a vacation. But we never force them to come with us, nor do they feel obligated.

 

[SunnyD]

Thanks, everyone. I was feeling pretty confident in my decision to not invite her but I was following a similar thread on another forum (not related to my situation) and, overwhelmingly, the folks there were on the 'always invite your kids no matter their age' train. I was really surprised and started second guessing myself.

 

[Jerry1]

Ugh no, she's 24 not 12.

And even if she was 12, she could be left home to be watched by someone else.

There’s no obligation to invite nor should there be any guilt to take a vacation on your own. Enjoy your vacation.

It is unfortunate though. I’ve taken vacations with my adult daughters and their spouses and the grand kids. The adults did take a couple evenings out to party, but overall, the vacation was fun and I’d do it again. Hopefully your daughter will grow out of he current situation.

 

[Badger]

Should we feel obligated to invite our adult (out of the house) children with us on vacation?

Hubby and I are escaping the frozen tundra for a couple of weeks. Hubby is working remotely so he can work while there if he chooses. It's also a potential retirement location for us so we will be scouting out the area for that, as well...

... I wouldn't mind her for a few days, but two weeks would ruin our vacation. We're not planning on inviting her but I'm feeling guilty about it...

...At what stage of life is it OK to want to take a vacation without kids?

The answer to the last question is NOW!
It's your vacation that will include some business work and scouting out a potential retirement location. It is not the time to babysit a petulant adult.


Bring her a t-shirt.


Cheers!

 

[Chuckanut]

Thanks, everyone. I was feeling pretty confident in my decision to not invite her but I was following a similar thread on another forum (not related to my situation) and, overwhelmingly, the folks there were on the 'always invite your kids no matter their age' train. I was really surprised and started second guessing myself.

I think they are on a very odd train.

 

[HarveyS]

... (because she would get free food and could party at the bars)...

Did I miss the end of the pandemic? Why would you consider inviting someone who would "party at the bars" into your home-away-from-home?

100% no invite.

 

[PaunchyPirate]

I would book your vacation without even discussing it with her first, unless you need her to feed the cats while you're gone. No way should you feel obligated to take her even if she's the nicest, sweetest, kindest person in the world. It's YOUR vacation. You don't need to explain that to anyone. Just go.

 

[kaudrey]

Did I miss the end of the pandemic? Why would you consider inviting someone who would "party at the bars" into your home-away-from-home?

100% no invite.

+1

 

[Bamaman]

We have a daughter that's bi-polar. She's got a job (finally) and appears to be doing much better than in the past.

We do fine if we see her about one day per week--for a couple of hours. After that, her bad behavior starts to resurface. We're not too naive to believe she won't revert and make our lives miserable.

And we would never think about taking her on any vacation. And this is permanent.

 

[SunnyD]

Did I miss the end of the pandemic? Why would you consider inviting someone who would "party at the bars" into your home-away-from-home?

100% no invite.

Right, I wasn't thinking about the pandemic. She wouldn't be going to the bars in this case (they're likely not even open), but it still would be stressful having her there all the time.

 

[rk911]

No. You shouldn't even feel obligated to invite them to dinner.

If you want their company, that's one thing. But even if they still lived at home I wouldn't invite them on vacation. They should be living their own lives.

Again, if you enjoy their company, do as you please. But obligation is off the board, AFAIC.

+1

 

[rodi]

I have an 18 year old (Senior in HS) and 20 year old (taking a break from college and working). Both under roof.

They would *love* it if we invited them on all our trips we have planned (tentatively for when pandemic is over). We have been actively lobbied by both sons to take them to Japan. But - after our last Italy trip where older son had a meltdown/tantrum and told us we sucked... they are no longer part of the plan unless *we* decide we want to spend that amount of time/money with/on them.

We are including them on a planned camping trip to the Grand Canyon later this year... but 4 days camping should be ok.

 

[Silver]

Does she know how you feel and why?

It does no good to just make decisions that others don't have the opportunity to understand....IMHO. The anger that results from having difficult discussions is uncomfortable....but the learning and growth can go a long way.

I know because I was this daughter/sister at one time...but did not know it. It wasn't until my family was honest that I understood how I was viewed, and how I needed to change my behavior to be accepted.

Just a thought.....

 

[Gallaher]

Did your parents take you on vacation when you were 24?

 

[MarieIG]

Should we feel obligated to invite our adult (out of the house) children with us on vacation?

Hubby and I are escaping the frozen tundra for a couple of weeks. Hubby is working remotely so he can work while there if he chooses. It's also a potential retirement location for us so we will be scouting out the area for that, as well.

My 24 year old daughter lives nearby and has a great corporate job, working remotely. She was not our easy child, if you know what I mean, and she is not an easy adult. She is and always has been narcissistic to the point of making all our family vacations unbearable. She doesn't want anything to do with us unless she needs something or wants us to buy stuff for her.

There's a good chance she would want to come with us if invited (because she would get free food and could party at the bars). I wouldn't mind her for a few days, but two weeks would ruin our vacation. We're not planning on inviting her but I'm feeling guilty about it.

We do have designated "family vacations" but this is not one of them, in my opinion. (She was mad at us last year when we didn't invite her on our Tennessee vacation.)

Just wondering how you all handle this situation? At what stage of life is it OK to want to take a vacation without kids?

I know how I would handle that situation.



Your DD is NOT entitled to make your vacations miserable. Ditch the guilt.