Maybe it is just me, but ER did not work the way I was hoping

[Cpadave]

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Originally Posted by Bestwifeever Not sure how old yours are, but having two small kids was the most exhausting time of our life, physically, emotionally, and financially—I think DH relished escaping the house every day and I really missed the three days a week that I had cut my job down to after the first was born. Can your doc check out your fibromyalgia suspicions? “Stuck in a suburb life” sounds a bit like depression imo—check that out too. Are you and your spouse on the same page about things like where you live? Our kids were six and four when we took them to Europe the first time. Lots of people travel with children.

I am 51 now. My doc mentioned that I might have fibromylgia. But it is one of those things they can not confirm for sure. I am taking something for it. Not very helpful so far. I am more of a city person and my wife likes the suburb. There are always disagreements between couples. I hope one day when kids grow and move out, I can move back to the lifestyle I desire. At least there is light at the end of the tunnel .

We have gone to Europe with kids for 3 weeks last year. It is not the same. Limited to certain food and activity and their ability and desire to site see and not the same. Thanks

[redduck]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave ... I did not want to have kids... Looking back, maybe I should have put foot down.

Your foot isn't the body part that should have been put down.

[Cpadave]

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Originally Posted by bingybear We had our first kid in grad school and the second a couple years later. After the second I was sent to the vet and fixed ( I didn't know I was broke). We each held down engineering careers while raising the children. Dual chamber pacemaker at 51. RE at 53. Been helping DMIL with parkenson's for the last decade (since DFIL passed). This duty has kept us from doing the things we want to do for ourselves. If you took significant birth control measures, then I might understand your surprise at having kids... and all that comes with it. Enjoy your kids. I'm sure they are worth it.

I see things were not easy for you guys. I am great full for what I have. Thanks

[Cpadave]

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Originally Posted by redduck Your foot isn't the body part that should have been put down.

Yes. Lol

But I can see why the millennial are having less kids these days. Not very good for the economy and stock market. I guess I did my part by helping with the growth

[mrWinter]

I wouldn't look it as the kids derailing your ER, I'd look at it as your ER giving you the opportunity to live a different, likely better, life with your kids. Not having to spend all day at the office, never missing time with them, not having to bring stress from the office home to the kids, not having to pay for childcare while you are at work. Those all sound like pluses! Between raising kids in the workforce, and raising kids while financially independent, I think the latter sounds like a better option to me! And I agree with others, having kids doesn't mean you have to be stuck in suburbia, I definitely think there are advantages to it, but there are other options out there. As one extreme example, there are lots of families living on boats cruising the world and raising their kids there.

[Bestwifeever]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave I am 51 now. My doc mentioned that I might have fibromylgia. But it is one of those things they can not confirm for sure. I am taking something for it. Not very helpful so far. I am more of a city person and my wife likes the suburb. There are always disagreements between couples. I hope one day when kids grow and move out, I can move back to the lifestyle I desire. At least there is light at the end of the tunnel . We have gone to Europe with kids for 3 weeks last year. It is not the same. Limited to certain food and activity and their ability and desire to site see and not the same. Thanks

Ah, got it. Our lives are indeed different with children, not necessarily better, not necessarily worse, regardless of retirement status.

[mrWinter]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave 7 and 9. Good idea on summer place. Might look into doing something like that as well

I think the Summer place/trip sounds great too. At 7 & 9 you can travel with them. My DW's father was a teacher when she was growing up so they had summers off. He had a small sailboat and they sailed all over the Maine cost together. Can't do that with a job that has you working every month of the year. At 7&9 they are plenty old enough to go camping too. You could do a big trip full of camping in national parks every summer. Sleeping in tents is usually very inexpensive . You could plan to do a big getaway every summer while the kids are off school. Would provide interesting stimulation for the kids and something fun for you to plan and look forward to during the cold months.

[dvalley]

All I can offer is an example of a friend (not retired) who had his 2nd child with his 3rd wife at the age of 48. They're happier than ever and travel way more than they ever have. They work hard, play hard as a team. The kid is now 8 or 9 and every other week I see pics of them on Facebook from various parts of the world. I don't know how they have so much energy and money but they love traveling and scubadiving so that's all they do. They go with large group of friends they have...in fact, they make me feel like I'm missing out on life (due to not having a partner to travel with like that).

My point is turn the situation to your advantage by enjoying life WITH the kids and the wife. Seek counseling if you need to, it can help.

[marko]

FWIW I think a lot of folks here had things be different than planned. "Man plans and the gods laugh" sort of thing. Be it illness, financial changes, family issues or whatever.

My personal change was my brother's stroke. With him having no other family support (no wife, kids, other family) other than myself and our 89 year old mom, a lot of my retirement is different. He doesn't need a lot but I need to be involved in his life a lot more than I had anticipated.

How many of us know of someone who retired with big plans and died within a year?

Life happens as they say. Turn lemons into lemonade.

[Aerides]

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Originally Posted by dvalley My point is turn the situation to your advantage by enjoying life WITH the kids and the wife. Seek counseling if you need to, it can help.

^^^

And please, don't ever mention to your wife (or the kids) that they were not everything you ever wanted. Even if you have said that in the past, don't say it again.

Maybe if you don't even enjoy them as much as most do while they are young, as they grow older you will find your relationships with them change. A few more years they'll be out on their own and you'll enjoy the space, but you'll miss them too. A few after that perhaps you'll be nagging them about grandkids! A lot can (and will) change.

[marko]

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Originally Posted by Aerides ^^^ Maybe if you don't even enjoy them as much as most do while they are young, as they grow older you will find your relationships with them change.

And they'll likely be picking out your nursing home for you.....

[tb001]

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Originally Posted by marko FWIW I think a lot of folks here had things be different than planned. "Man plans and the gods laugh" sort of thing. Be it illness, financial changes, family issues or whatever. My personal change was my brother's stroke. With him having no other family support (no wife, kids, other family) other than myself and our 89 year old mom, a lot of my retirement is different. He doesn't need a lot but I need to be involved in his life a lot more than I had anticipated. How many of us know of someone who retired with big plans and died within a year? Life happens as they say. Turn lemons into lemonade.

Yes!! Our goal is to have me RE/be a SAHM and DH to work for a few more years, in part because I can see that my parents are going to need a LOT of help in the next few years. And I want to be able to spend time with my mom now, not after her mind is gone. So while maybe it's not the typical idea of retirement, it's how life works and I consider us incredibly lucky that we even have this option right now.

[athena53]

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Originally Posted by dvalley My point is turn the situation to your advantage by enjoying life WITH the kids and the wife. Seek counseling if you need to, it can help.

I agree- realizing that your vision of an urban, child-free life can't happen right now is a form of loss, but you need to figure out how your life will look going forward (I'd say "your best life" but don't want to sound like a self-help guru) given current circumstances. It sounds like you've flexed on a couple of major things to accommodate your wife and maybe it's her turn on some issues. Counseling may help.

FWIW- for years I planned on a child-free life so I get why people would choose that route. At 31 (and after attaining respected professional credentials) my biological clock started screaming at me and I had DS. Now, 33 years later, I am profoundly grateful (and I was at the time, too, since I'd gotten to the point that I REALLY wanted a baby). I can't imagine life without him, my wonderful DIL and their two beautiful little girls. At 65 I'm still healthy enough to be checking out new places in the world and hope I have many good years left to do that.

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Originally Posted by Cpadave We have gone to Europe with kids for 3 weeks last year. It is not the same. Limited to certain food and activity and their ability and desire to site see and not the same. Thanks

Oh, yeah- I can see that. Have rambled through Europe plenty on my own, deciding in the morning what I wanted to do that day, lingering in museums reading all the informational plaques, exploring something I just passed on the spur of the moment... yeah, I would have been a Bad Mommy in Europe. We took DS when he was 18 but at that point he was actually interested in what he was seeing. I still think his favorite part of the trip was being able to order beer legally.

[Mdlerth]

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Originally Posted by ExFlyBoy5 Uh...well, I think you probably contributed SOMETHING, right? This is one of the BEST example of "cause and effect" I can think of.

We had five kids before I visited the vet. It seemed like all it took was a cloudy day for DW to get in the family way.

However, I know enough people who desperately wanted kids but fertility issues got in the way. I had to conclude there's a bit more to it.

[Rickt]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave Before kids, I always though that I would have an easy relaxing life traveling around the world. Now I am stuck in a suburb life. As far as I feel, it almost makes no difference that I was able to retire early other than having some financial security. That is just how I feel, I am sure it is different for others.

You can still travel with the kids...just home school the kids if you have to.

[OldShooter]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave Yes. I love my kids, but having kids was not my idea for the reasons I had mention.

Your doctor can explain to you what causes this.

[Mdlerth]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave When I think of ER, I think of those retiring under 50. In my case and my wife it was at 40. Working very hard those years before retirement, I looked forward to years when I can stop working and enjoy doing what I always wanted to do. However, my first kid was born shortly after I retired and the second one about two years later. The time, energy and money of taking care of kids does not leave much for anything else. I might also have fibromyalgia or something like it, to make matters worse. Before kids, I always though that I would have an easy relaxing life traveling around the world. Now I am stuck in a suburb life. As far as I feel, it almost makes no difference that I was able to retire early other than having some financial security. That is just how I feel, I am sure it is different for others. Sorry for the rant.

Dear CpaDave,

I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful.

My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland.

But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind.

Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school.

Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred...

...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money.

The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do.

***

We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal.

It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time.

But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum.

***

P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out. Pax vobiscum.

[ReadySetGo]

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Originally Posted by Mdlerth Dear CpaDave, I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful. My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland. But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind. Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school. Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred... ...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money. The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do. *** We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal. It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time. But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum. *** P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out. Pax vobiscum.

You brought me to tears; what a great reflection. Life is hard and wonderful all at once. Good luck to you, and to the OP.

[Cpadave]

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Originally Posted by Mdlerth Dear CpaDave, I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful. My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland. But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind. Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school. Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred... ...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money. The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do. *** We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal. It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time. But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum. *** P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out. Pax vobiscum.

Thank you for sharing and thank you all for your helpful comments.

[FUEGO]

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Originally Posted by Cpadave However, my first kid was born shortly after I retired and the second one about two years later. The time, energy and money of taking care of kids does not leave much for anything else.

You didn't save enough for ER if you can't afford the kids you have plus other fun stuff you want to do. Maybe it's time to go back to work if it's not much different than chilling at home in the suburbs. Bank the extra money and then you can afford to live a little plus pay for the kids!

In our case, the kids were 1, 7, and 8 at the time I retired. I budgeted explicitly for them including a big boost for college and a slush fund to launch them into adulthood. So far the numbers are working out well but we are about 1-2 years away from the higher expense years (or so I hear).

We travel around 2-3 months per year, typically overseas and that includes a week or two of going on cruises. It's in the budget so I don't worry about the expense. I do what I can to minimize expenses but still live it up (it's in the budget ).

That said, it's hard traveling with kids when they are very young. When our youngest had just turned 2, we cut our 5 week road trip in half because of the difficulties. Literally decided in the course of 10 minutes that we were worn out. Canceled the Airbnb, turned the car around and drove home. We planned on this contingency so we didn't have many things booked that were non-refundable. Now the little guy is 6 and his older sisters are 11 and 13 and they are very helpful in taking care of him. And he's a travel pro now so we don't have to worry much about him (did a 14 city, 9 week trip across Europe last year and it was a little exhausting at times but he rocked it!).