Bestwifeever
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Ah, got it. Our lives are indeed different with children, not necessarily better, not necessarily worse, regardless of retirement status.
Maybe it is just me, but ER did not work the way I was hoping
- Thread starter Cpadave
- Start date
Ah, got it. Our lives are indeed different with children, not necessarily better, not necessarily worse, regardless of retirement status.
7 and 9. Good idea on summer place. Might look into doing something like that as well
I think the Summer place/trip sounds great too. At 7 & 9 you can travel with them. My DW's father was a teacher when she was growing up so they had summers off. He had a small sailboat and they sailed all over the Maine cost together. Can't do that with a job that has you working every month of the year. At 7&9 they are plenty old enough to go camping too. You could do a big trip full of camping in national parks every summer. Sleeping in tents is usually very inexpensive
. You could plan to do a big getaway every summer while the kids are off school. Would provide interesting stimulation for the kids and something fun for you to plan and look forward to during the cold months.All I can offer is an example of a friend (not retired) who had his 2nd child with his 3rd wife at the age of 48. They're happier than ever and travel way more than they ever have. They work hard, play hard as a team. The kid is now 8 or 9 and every other week I see pics of them on Facebook from various parts of the world. I don't know how they have so much energy and money but they love traveling and scubadiving so that's all they do. They go with large group of friends they have...in fact, they make me feel like I'm missing out on life (due to not having a partner to travel with like that).
My point is turn the situation to your advantage by enjoying life WITH the kids and the wife. Seek counseling if you need to, it can help.
My point is turn the situation to your advantage by enjoying life WITH the kids and the wife. Seek counseling if you need to, it can help.
marko
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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FWIW I think a lot of folks here had things be different than planned. "Man plans and the gods laugh" sort of thing. Be it illness, financial changes, family issues or whatever.
My personal change was my brother's stroke. With him having no other family support (no wife, kids, other family) other than myself and our 89 year old mom, a lot of my retirement is different. He doesn't need a lot but I need to be involved in his life a lot more than I had anticipated.
How many of us know of someone who retired with big plans and died within a year?
Life happens as they say. Turn lemons into lemonade.
My personal change was my brother's stroke. With him having no other family support (no wife, kids, other family) other than myself and our 89 year old mom, a lot of my retirement is different. He doesn't need a lot but I need to be involved in his life a lot more than I had anticipated.
How many of us know of someone who retired with big plans and died within a year?
Life happens as they say. Turn lemons into lemonade.
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^^^
And please, don't ever mention to your wife (or the kids) that they were not everything you ever wanted. Even if you have said that in the past, don't say it again.
Maybe if you don't even enjoy them as much as most do while they are young, as they grow older you will find your relationships with them change. A few more years they'll be out on their own and you'll enjoy the space, but you'll miss them too. A few after that perhaps you'll be nagging them about grandkids! A lot can (and will) change.
marko
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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And they'll likely be picking out your nursing home for you.....
Yes!! Our goal is to have me RE/be a SAHM and DH to work for a few more years, in part because I can see that my parents are going to need a LOT of help in the next few years. And I want to be able to spend time with my mom now, not after her mind is gone. So while maybe it's not the typical idea of retirement, it's how life works and I consider us incredibly lucky that we even have this option right now.
athena53
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I agree- realizing that your vision of an urban, child-free life can't happen right now is a form of loss, but you need to figure out how your life will look going forward (I'd say "your best life" but don't want to sound like a self-help guru) given current circumstances. It sounds like you've flexed on a couple of major things to accommodate your wife and maybe it's her turn on some issues. Counseling may help.
FWIW- for years I planned on a child-free life so I get why people would choose that route. At 31 (and after attaining respected professional credentials) my biological clock started screaming at me and I had DS. Now, 33 years later, I am profoundly grateful (and I was at the time, too, since I'd gotten to the point that I REALLY wanted a baby). I can't imagine life without him, my wonderful DIL and their two beautiful little girls. At 65 I'm still healthy enough to be checking out new places in the world and hope I have many good years left to do that.
Oh, yeah- I can see that. Have rambled through Europe plenty on my own, deciding in the morning what I wanted to do that day, lingering in museums reading all the informational plaques, exploring something I just passed on the spur of the moment... yeah, I would have been a Bad Mommy in Europe. We took DS when he was 18 but at that point he was actually interested in what he was seeing. I still think his favorite part of the trip was being able to order beer legally.
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Cause and some probability of effect
We had five kids before I visited the vet. It seemed like all it took was a cloudy day for DW to get in the family way.
However, I know enough people who desperately wanted kids but fertility issues got in the way. I had to conclude there's a bit more to it.
Uh...well, I think you probably contributed SOMETHING, right? This is one of the BEST example of "cause and effect" I can think of.
We had five kids before I visited the vet. It seemed like all it took was a cloudy day for DW to get in the family way.
However, I know enough people who desperately wanted kids but fertility issues got in the way. I had to conclude there's a bit more to it.
You can still travel with the kids...just home school the kids if you have to.
OldShooter
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Your doctor can explain to you what causes this.
Confession time
Dear CpaDave,
I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful.
My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland.
But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind.
Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school.
Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred...
...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money.
The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do.
We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal.
It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time.
But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum.
P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out. Pax vobiscum.
Dear CpaDave,
I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful.
My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland.
But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind.
Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school.
Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred...
...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money.
The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do.
***
We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal.
It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time.
But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum.
***
P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out.
Pax vobiscum.ReadySetGo
Dryer sheet aficionado
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Dear CpaDave,
I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful.
My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland.
But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind.
Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school.
Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred...
...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money.
The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do.
***
We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal.
It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time.
But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum.
***
P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out.
You brought me to tears; what a great reflection. Life is hard and wonderful all at once. Good luck to you, and to the OP.
Dear CpaDave,
I offer an intimate personal reflection that you may find helpful.
My life plan at age 22 was to remain forever not only childfree but single. No responsibilities, plenty of time/money/energy to do whatever I felt like. I would be awash in sports cars and killer stereos and ski trips to Vail and Switzerland.
But in a very brief interval which passed in a blur and now is barely within memory, I married DW and the first of five children showed up. I was overwhelmed and confused; my plans gone with the wind.
Each successive birth fastened another shackle onto my failed ambition. By child #3 I grew desperate to find some distraction. I contemplated either entering grad school or taking a highly destructive action that I won't elaborate on. I chose school.
Immersing myself for five years in heavy learning worked. Thermodynamics and tensor calculus occupied so much brain that I didn't have time to think about my former plans. And then a miracle occurred...
...child #4 was born. Instead of inspiring apprehension, she brought light and love and more happiness than I had ever known. A few years later, child #5 did the same. I wouldn't trade them for all of Danmar's money.
The difference was in me, not in the children. My first 3 also were (still are) miracles, I just hadn't been ready to understand. Now I do.
***
We can't govern what comes into our heads, so it's best to accept that thoughts and feelings will enter unbidden. Helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, envy... all those will show up on our mental stage from time to time. That's normal.
It's also normal for them to pass. Won't happen overnight, so give it time.
But if merely unpleasant feelings like weariness give way to dangerous feelings like despair and depression, don't wait. Seek professional help beyond just the anonymous advice of a chat forum.
***
P.S. What if I had followed my original plan of luxurious bachelorhood? Knowing what I know now, I would undoubtedly have turned out to be a total prick, selfish beyond measure, surrounded by cold, empty possessions. Of course, I'd also be retired already, so maybe... Ha! Just kidding! Seriously, I'm better off the way it turned out.
Thank you for sharing and thank you all for your helpful comments.
FUEGO
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Nov 13, 2007
- Messages
- 7,746
You didn't save enough for ER if you can't afford the kids you have plus other fun stuff you want to do. Maybe it's time to go back to work if it's not much different than chilling at home in the suburbs. Bank the extra money and then you can afford to live a little plus pay for the kids!
In our case, the kids were 1, 7, and 8 at the time I retired. I budgeted explicitly for them including a big boost for college and a slush fund to launch them into adulthood. So far the numbers are working out well but we are about 1-2 years away from the higher expense years (or so I hear).
We travel around 2-3 months per year, typically overseas and that includes a week or two of going on cruises. It's in the budget so I don't worry about the expense. I do what I can to minimize expenses but still live it up (it's in the budget
).That said, it's hard traveling with kids when they are very young. When our youngest had just turned 2, we cut our 5 week road trip in half because of the difficulties. Literally decided in the course of 10 minutes that we were worn out. Canceled the Airbnb, turned the car around and drove home. We planned on this contingency so we didn't have many things booked that were non-refundable. Now the little guy is 6 and his older sisters are 11 and 13 and they are very helpful in taking care of him. And he's a travel pro now so we don't have to worry much about him (did a 14 city, 9 week trip across Europe last year and it was a little exhausting at times but he rocked it!).
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VERY DIFFERENT! Everyday can literally be a challenge. The share of duties, the financial burdeon, the tough but very life changing decisions to make for someone other then yourself that COULD impact there lives greatly.
But its still worth it IMHO. I gave up trying for 45 when I had a second kid. I think each kid adds about 5 more years of work to my schedule but I'm gonna die someday and I don't wanna do it alone.
To OP: Don't focus on not working, trust me when I say this, if you decided to have kids, there is a much higher purpose than work.
How do you spend your time? Perhaps changing the routine might yield a different outcome?
Maenad
Recycles dryer sheets
Second (third? fourth?) the suggestion of seeing a counselor. It's frighteningly normal to go through a period of mourning when your life isn't going how you'd always planned (I'm going through this right now), and a professional can help you adjust to your life as-is and learn to enjoy it rather than staying stuck in seeing all that's "wrong" with it.
Like I said, I'm doing this right now, and while it isn't easy or always pleasant, it's very rewarding.
And you may be going through the midlife doldrums. Also perfectly normal, just crappy to experience!
Like I said, I'm doing this right now, and while it isn't easy or always pleasant, it's very rewarding.
And you may be going through the midlife doldrums. Also perfectly normal, just crappy to experience!
97guns
Full time employment: Posting here.
I don’t have any kids but my wife has an 8 year old that we’re bringing back to the states and I’m kind of excited to do some things with him, we’re already planning what he wants to be for Halloween when we get back to the states and I’m looking forward to taking him to Disneyland and other places that I’ve been as a kid, I think it will be very nostalgic for me to revisit my childhood experiences.
I was actually game to try the house husband route, since the GFC crunched the career and I now make about the same from investing as I did with engineering. But that opportunity sailed away. such as life.
I retired when my kids were 11 and 13. (Now 15 and 17). They definitely impact the "freedom" that comes with retirement... Have to get them to school, have to get them to activities... They factor into vacation plans in a big way.... But we'll have time without them soon enough. (Oldest is going into his senior year of HS - youngster is going into his sophomore year... we'll be able to travel outside of school breaks as soon as youngest starts college.)
Some of the more ardent retirement police would argue we're not retired, we're just stay at home parents. But the parenting took time/involvement when we were working.... it's a lot easier to handle without having to please bosses, also.
You're in a phase of your life where life revolves around the kids... but that will change as they gain independence... I'm already appreciating the autonomy my boys are gaining as they get older... and am so glad I'm past the diaper/pre-language/no-impulse-control toddler years.
Good luck with figuring out the fibromyalgia stuff... that sounds like no fun.
Some of the more ardent retirement police would argue we're not retired, we're just stay at home parents. But the parenting took time/involvement when we were working.... it's a lot easier to handle without having to please bosses, also.
You're in a phase of your life where life revolves around the kids... but that will change as they gain independence... I'm already appreciating the autonomy my boys are gaining as they get older... and am so glad I'm past the diaper/pre-language/no-impulse-control toddler years.
Good luck with figuring out the fibromyalgia stuff... that sounds like no fun.
Frustration... Let it all hang out. It's natural, and when we take it in stride it becomes easier. And... not at all unusual.
A few thoughts about retirement, just to keep some perspective. In the US, the average age of retirement is 63, while in China, it's 55.
https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/the-average-retirement-age-in-the-us-and-other-countries.html
Living with problems is not easy, but better than the alternative... Gotta think about that.
Making lemonade... with four sons, not a lot of money, and a 65 hour work week, became a boy scout leader, two overnight campouts/month plus meetings. Finding joy and satisfaction. It grows on ya!
One of my best friends has been totally blind since age six. Smarter than me. We have fantastic conversations. He worked for Hilton as a manager for 35 years. Happy and looking forward to turning age 80. That led to my favorite... studying John Milton "On his Blindness". 14 lines of deep.
It's perspective. With cancer in 1989 at age 53, the outlook wasn't too good, so we retired on a wish and a promise, but not much money.
Is that supposed to minimize problems? Not at all. So... okay to rant, but know that there are compensations. Keep a lookout for the brighter side.
Just sayin'...
A few thoughts about retirement, just to keep some perspective. In the US, the average age of retirement is 63, while in China, it's 55.
https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/the-average-retirement-age-in-the-us-and-other-countries.html
Living with problems is not easy, but better than the alternative... Gotta think about that.
Making lemonade... with four sons, not a lot of money, and a 65 hour work week, became a boy scout leader, two overnight campouts/month plus meetings. Finding joy and satisfaction. It grows on ya!
One of my best friends has been totally blind since age six. Smarter than me. We have fantastic conversations. He worked for Hilton as a manager for 35 years. Happy and looking forward to turning age 80. That led to my favorite... studying John Milton "On his Blindness". 14 lines of deep.
It's perspective. With cancer in 1989 at age 53, the outlook wasn't too good, so we retired on a wish and a promise, but not much money.
Is that supposed to minimize problems? Not at all. So... okay to rant, but know that there are compensations. Keep a lookout for the brighter side.
Just sayin'...
My signature (if it shows up here) says I've been OMY'd for a long time. At 46, the reason is because my kids are still in grade school and I realized I couldn't just travel the world on a whim the way I wanted. So instead, I crafted my j*b to be exactly tailor-made...I pick and choose whom to work with, when to work (very little) etc. But I also know families who've picked up with little kids and moved to another country for a year or more and had a great time. It's totally possible. Just start hanging out on those kind of forums to find examples.
Frustration... Let it all hang out. It's natural, and when we take it in stride it becomes easier. And... not at all unusual.
A few thoughts about retirement, just to keep some perspective. In the US, the average age of retirement is 63, while in China, it's 55.
https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/the-average-retirement-age-in-the-us-and-other-countries.html
Living with problems is not easy, but better than the alternative... Gotta think about that.
Making lemonade... with four sons, not a lot of money, and a 65 hour work week, became a boy scout leader, two overnight campouts/month plus meetings. Finding joy and satisfaction. It grows on ya!
One of my best friends has been totally blind since age six. Smarter than me. We have fantastic conversations. He worked for Hilton as a manager for 35 years. Happy and looking forward to turning age 80. That led to my favorite... studying John Milton "On his Blindness". 14 lines of deep.
It's perspective. With cancer in 1989 at age 53, the outlook wasn't too good, so we retired on a wish and a promise, but not much money.
Is that supposed to minimize problems? Not at all. So... okay to rant, but know that there are compensations. Keep a lookout for the brighter side.
Just sayin'...
Yes, very true. Just being frustrated and letting some steam out. More so from my illness that has nothing to do with having kids. I am grateful for what I have. Both of my kids are in gifted program and do behave very well. I am annoyed that at this age I have an illness reduces my ability to function a normal life. Constant body pain, fatigue, brain fog. Doctors have not been very helpful. I was taking Tylenol 3 for the pain. Now with attack on opioid prescriptions, I am somewhat at loss. Having this illness does make it harder taking care of kids. And sometimes I feel like I should be doing more. Even though most of my functioning time is directly or indirectly spend on kids.
I know things can be worse and I know some people are at a lot harder spot. So was just letting some steam out. Thank you all for listing and providing comfort and good advice.
