This whole thread is very interesting!
Now Mom's grumpiness while Dad is retired & she isn't makes more sense!
Wizard, I would highly recommend you to read 'Five Languages of Love' (just Google it). It might put all of this in an entirely different perspective!
I suspect your wife might see 'chores' as a labour of love from you (if you don't do it she doesn't feel loved - at least our Mom is such, Sis & I helping out doesn't mean anything if Dad is seen watching TV or reading a newspaper close by!) That's why it's so important to her! ('Chores' is Dad's primary LL too, so as long as Mom still does some of the things, such as cooking on weekends & laundry etc, he's okay. But I know that if you generally don't cook, then you may get cranky when you have to cook 1x a week, cause you may forget where the right pots are, are not up-to-date with groceries etc. So I understand Mum's grumpiness on weekends too, and expectations of 'help' - she usually goes for more complicated things too.)
I suppose you expect kind words of praise and affirmation, since that is your primary language of feeling loved, and when she doesn't praise you you lose all joy to do it (at least I am such, and have always hated to do most things at home as Mom is hypercritical and very detail-oriented - an accountant, it's excellent for her job but we haven't been too happy about it at home!)
I especially laughed at the story how a husband 'Just didn't get it' but when the author told him that when he washes the laundry (insert whatever your wife wants you to do) his wife feels like he does in the most ecstatic intimate moment of sex, his eyes lit up & he yelled, 'Bring on the laundry!'
You might try to get your wife to read the book after you read it yourself, or read her some passages aloud. (Yes, there are examples of similar situations - not of RE, but of failure to appreciate and such.)
My parents did read it (I bought it to them), there were no miraculous over-night results to speak of - or maybe there were, I wasn't living with them at the time, but it did make a difference.
Dad cooks, Mom does laundry on weekends and buys groceries on her way from work, cleaning the house is shared. Dad still prefers doing stuff around the house and repairs. The dishes - and by that Mum means clean 'whole kitchen work area' including the sink - that depends (and has been subject of occasional quarrel and Mum's grumpiness if it all awaited her). Ideally, dishes are put in the dish-washer after lunch and washed in the evening, or next morning. My Granny has a thing about washing the dishes the same day too, must be a generational thing. (Sis & I are thoroughly unaffected.) It may depend on the foods and smells and type of kitchen too.
I am not a 'housekeeping' type, or 'naturally organized', so I found great help on these sites:
FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home (she even has tips on shining the sink! Though I'm not sure how environmentally friendly they are) and
Get Organized - Organizing Tips and Ideas to help you get organized now. (a forum there too)
The main concept for less clutter is having assigned space for things (shelves/baskets/...) - and having routines helps too.
There are other sites, on being organized and menu-planning (there is even the concept of 'once-a-month or once-a-week cooking' (and eating from the fridge) though I'm not sure how healthy that is!)
But I like planning menus for a week in advance, so there's no stress on the day of cooking and figuring what's in the pantry.
Somewhere on these sites there's an idea that both husband and wife have a 'Darling, please...' list of 'to do's' and have assigned time when they both do something from each other's list (followed by something fun for both).
My Mom & Dad hate the idea of having 'to do' lists, but if asked the night before they may tell what they want done the next day or week. - But one must ask always, they don't volunteer this information, and Mum has sometimes been seen as expecting everyone to read her mind and know what & how she wants something done too. We sometimes joke about it. I tell her I wish I had the superpowers of telepathy to read her mind, but it's not working - not yet, at least!
Also, it is not enough if she just tells or shows you something! (Mom has a knack for pulling things out of ones hands and doing it herself - not very motivational, or a learning experience) I realized you have to insist on doing it yourself, under her supervision - like an apprentice (with a humble attitude & inquiring mind: 'How do you clean the sink so that it shines?' - let her show you first, and supervise you 2nd at least once when you do it on your own) to actually get the knack for it! It can be something really simple you'd never have thought of on your own! - Maybe you could ask to be her 'apprentice' once in a while, regarding certain things? Dad enjoyed having me as apprentice for painting the room! And I had to ask Mom to be her apprentice to do the laundry, several times!)
Word of caution: WEAR GLASSES if required (Dad & Granny don't want to and often the dishes are half-dirty, which is not nice)
You could also then ask your wife what she would like to have done (and write it down so you don't forget it) or show her a schedule you come up with (maybe after browsing the FlyLady and other sites), and ask her opinion or further suggestions. (Is she happy with once-a-week cleaning like my Mom, or does she want the kitchen swept every day? If it seems too much for you, negotiate - or delegate, as has been suggested.)
In the morning, I am very cranky before breakfast, so asking me anything before I ate is a no-go! After breakfast is better, unless when I'm in a hurry! A friend also wants total peace in the morning. And I need to be left alone when I'm hungry (eg after returning home) or I get cranky.
So, could you consult the day before at least? (If you plan weekly and check things weekly, and keep track of things yourself, this may get easier anyway! You could plan menus together weekly!)
Sorry if I gave too many suggestions - hope some of them will spark off inspiration for a better co-existance together!
Well, good luck!