Non retired spouse

[Moemg]

I don't mind sharing some of the household tasks. But I'm the one here who is conservative and watches for waste and conserves resources. The stuff that will be difficult for me to get used to is all the lights he leaves on all day, him using 6 paper towels for something that I'd use just one, annoying things that would be done better MY WAY. I'm going to have to find a mantra that I can use to help me give up control and let him help around the house. I know it's my problem, not his, especially if he's trying to contribute.

Sue , Most of the posters know I was widowed at 51 and you know the only regrets I had were that I did not travel as much as he wanted and that I bugged him about stupid stuff .His not folding the clothes like I do seems so insignificant now .As long as he's willing to help ,appreciate it whether it's your way or not .

 

[Zoocat]

Want2,

I agree. Nothing makes my heart beat a little faster than a man who does chores without being asked . . . does them from start to finish without any discussion.

A guy who breezes through household (inside and/or outside) chores and takes some responsibility for what needs to be done . . . is beyond cool . . . he is s e x y to me. Guess my definition of "sexy" has changed over the years.

SEXY = doing household chores? It's very indicative of the state of marriage and male-female relations. There's so much resentment around this issue of who does what around the house that even a little "help" from your man makes you so grateful you're ready to hop in bed with him.

Wouldn't it be great if our relationship with our man was so smooth that we wanted to hop in bed with him just because of WHO HE IS, not what he does for us?

Just my humble opinion. No personal criticism intended.

 

[Nords]

... we wanted to hop in bed with him just because of WHO HE IS, not what he does for us?

I see many women with whom I'd hop in bed just because of who they are, but my spouse considers that to be sexist guy thinking...

 

[TexasGal]

SEXY = doing household chores? It's very indicative of the state of marriage and male-female relations. There's so much resentment around this issue of who does what around the house that even a little "help" from your man makes you so grateful you're ready to hop in bed with him.

Wouldn't it be great if our relationship with our man was so smooth that we wanted to hop in bed with him just because of WHO HE IS, not what he does for us?

Just my humble opinion. No personal criticism intended.

Oldbabe, good grief. . . i was trying to be somewhat funny while making a point but apparently was not too successful at it. By your implication I guess I would be "hopping into bed" with every handyman and yardman who comes by. Chores definitely do NOT equal sex.

I am not married (divorced 25 yrs), don't want to deal with any of these issues, and my hat is off to all of you who are facing them because I think it is very challenging. I was just trying to make a point that women really appreciate a man who carries his share of the load. Personally I take care of all of my own household business.

I spent 15 years with a childish, spoiled man who expected me to do 100% of everything inside and outside the house, raise the kid, work fulltime, and turn all of my money over to him so he could spend all of it on his toys. Those days have been over for 25 years. None of that for me ever again. I presently have a 17-year relationship with a fine man and we live happily apart and remain happily unmarried. I don't fuss at him or have expectations of him that he can't or does not want to fulfill and same goes for how he deals with me.

However, on those occasions when my significant other does chores for me, let's just say that I appreciate him more, mainly because my ex-husband wouldn't lift a finger! And, yes, I think a man is more of a man if he helps.

MAN DOES CHORES = WARM FEELINGS DEVELOP = GOOD THINGS (maybe just a hug)
MAN DOES NOTHING = RESENTMENT DEVELOPS = BAD THINGS (maybe a kick in a$$ eventually all the way out the door)

And men can substitute the word "woman" for man above. It's supposed to be a partnership, never 50/50 but lots of helping each other should lead to a better environment at home and a sweeter relationship.

That's just my opinion which is, I am sure, influenced a lot by my former husband's sorry performance.

 

[Bigritchie]

My wife usually rewards me with great sex when I clean up the kitchen, when she is away all day and has had a long day

It works really well, I help with the chores, I get what I want, and I make damn well sure she has the best sleep she will ever have in her life /wink

 

[travelover]

My wife usually rewards me with great sex when I clean up the kitchen, when she is away all day and has had a long day

It works really well, I help with the chores, I get what I want, and I make damn well sure she has the best sleep she will ever have in her life /wink

Will work for sex........

 

[Moemg]

Will work for sex........

My kind of guy !

 

[donheff]

Wow, go away for a week and you miss some great ones. OldWizard, what century were you born in? How in the heck were you doing so little when you were both employed? As Nord's said - this is supposed to be a partnership. I always did all the cooking and DW cleaned. Since I ERd, and while she continues to work, I added in a lot of the cleaning AND I chauffeur her to work. She is happy as a clam (with those things -- as for work she is getting close to pulling the plug).

The easiest route to your happiness is keeping your wife happy. You sound like you are intentionally driving off a cliff.

 

[Sandy]

to reiterate: talk talk and then talk some more. There are different expectations going on here. No sneaking around (pretend to get a job), no unspoken expectations (that is what has gotten you into this mess in the first place). The official rules are now different.

FWIW, DH and I share cooking, cleaning, yard work, laundry, etc. (Ok, at 4' 10.5" chain saws and other large "manly" tools scare me because I don't feel I can handle them safely.) Yeah, we each tend toward one or another chore, but fill in as needed. I wouldn't have picked him if it was any other way. I don't want to digress to the man= laundry=sexy conversation, this is a partnership, where there are 57 hours of things to do each 24 hour day.

 

[Zoocat]

Oldbabe, good grief. . . i was trying to be somewhat funny while making a point but apparently was not too successful at it. By your implication I guess I would be "hopping into bed" with every handyman and yardman who comes by. Chores definitely do NOT equal sex.

.

Sorry I misunderstood, TexasGal. It was interesting to read your explanation.

 

[Zoocat]

I see many women with whom I'd hop in bed just because of who they are, but my spouse considers that to be sexist guy thinking...

Nords, I meant the kind of person they are (their personal qualities not necessarily their personal appearance.)

 

[Sheryl]

Wow, I missed a great thread. Now I'm starting to get worried. SO has five more days to work. Then we will be facing all this fun stuff. But somehow I don't think he'll be like Oldwizard. He's already told his boss that part of the reason he needs time off is so I don't have to do so much around the house while I am still working.

But up 'til now there's never been any debate or argument about who does what. If you feel like it you do it, if you don't you don't. If no one feels like cooking we eat crackers and cheese. If no one feels like cleaning the toilet it gets dirty.

He mows the lawn because it's physically a bit of a stretch for me (ok, I could do it, but he can't stand to see me doing it).

I wonder how it will change when he's not working

 

[Nords]

Nords, I meant the kind of person they are (their personal qualities not necessarily their personal appearance.)

Well, yeah, sure, that's what I tell my spouse too...

I wonder how it will change when he's not working

It'll be ever so much better!

 

[tightasadrum]

Uh Oh. I'll be doing nothing, I mean retired, six months before DW. It might be prudent to have a little man-to-woman chat before something heats up over my having all of this time on my hands. Thanks for the heads up guys.

Wizard, just curious, but was your DW in favor of your RE decision, or was it a contentions issue before you did it? Better get her talking soon, or you may find out she has a very personal reason for wanting her "full" retirement check in a few years.

I'm always impressed with the women on this board and their candor. Thanks for the insights. I need to start thinking about where I can contribute without making it another full-time job for me. I know! I'll design an inventory pull system for the pantry that would allow me to see what to shop for with the common items we always need. That would be fun, and we'd be more organized too. I wonder if DW would consider that meddling. Nah...

 

[Nords]

I know! I'll design an inventory pull system for the pantry that would allow me to see what to shop for with the common items we always need. That would be fun, and we'd be more organized too. I wonder if DW would consider that meddling. Nah...

Ruh-roh... I can recognize another nuke.

A couple comments like that put me in charge of grocery lists, dishwasher duty, & kitchen cleanliness for nearly two decades. I've only been able to wriggle free in the name of teaching our teenager her independent-living skills, and spouse is still mulling over the possibility that she's been tricked. You can be sure that I no longer complain about what I see on my daily inspections & audits...

 

[Sarah in SC]

Old Wizard, I talked to a fairly recent retiree client last week who is pretty old-school and he excitedly told me that he has been taking cooking classes and has gotten so good that his wife was having a ladies luncheon and he was preparing all the food for it! She was obviously thrilled at his new skill-set. She had been the cook for all those years before he retired and now that he had some confidence, he was blossoming (not resentful) in this (for him) fun new role. It is all in how you look at it, I guess.

Something to think about....

 

[Fireup2020]

I have read and re-read the various posts here.

What were your contributions to the household prior to RE? She cooks, cleans, handles the $$, etc.... Your lawn, grounds, and misc. maintenance issues must be visions of perfection if this was a partnership prior to RE. (dare I ask if she is responsible for those too?) If not, well, no wonder she is so grumpy. Ditto the overall vibe of the responders.

 

[theoldwizard]

Well I'm certainly getting a lot of opinions, which is what I hoped for.

I don't want you folks to think I'm some kind of a "slug" and I don't normally "keep score", but for the record ...

• 2 weeks ago we spent a week at a rented cabin. We each cooked lunch for ourselves once during the week. The rest of the time we fixed our own breakfasts (cold cereal) and lunches (sandwich) and eat dinner out every evening. DW washed the dishes and I dried them at the end of the week
• Last week breakfast and lunches were done independently, as always. DW made dinner once (I was out that afternoon with our son) and I made dinner twice. The rest of the time we had leftovers or went out to eat. She did dishes once (after I told her I would do them in the AM) and I did them twice.
• Last night, after making dinner, I did the dishes. When the DW came in the kitchen after I was done, and I was told, "You have to do a better job cleaning the sink !"

Sigh

Of yeah, after coming back from the cabin, independently, I did some shopping (mostly veggies for dinner). We did our "big" grocery shopping together, as usual, on Sunday

 

[Moemg]

You need to stop keeping count and start communicating because she sounds really mad about something !

 

[Telly]

Last night, after making dinner, I did the dishes. When the DW came in the kitchen after I was done, and I was told, "You have to do a better job cleaning the sink !"
Sigh

Oww! I feel for ya!

Here are some of my suggestions, none of them will set you on the course to becoming a spineless bootlick:

1. Your job in the early AM is to get her out the door on time, or earlier. This may mean a little help here or there, or it may mean staying out of the way! It is NOT the time to bring up issues of discussion, new ideas or anything else of the sort! Don't do it! Wrong time!

2. Clothes - Towels are pretty much indestructible, as you know. So, become the Captain of Towels. You decide when to wash and dry them. Err slightly on the side of energy in-efficiency and do them often enough, so there is no "I have to do it myself!" type of self-righteous behavior out of DW. Fold and deliver them to their proper places promptly after drying them. Don't expect a thank you. You are doing it to please yourself.
If it settles down after weeks, ask her if you could take on just a liitle bit more washing duties, but just a little bit more as you need to get the hang of it. If she says no, just say OK without any attitude.

3. When you didn't do whatever good enough for her - Say, "I'm Sorry", without an attitude... and say NOTHING more about it. If you were a bit sloppy, try to do better the next time. But if you did it well but still got a complaint, just carry on.

4. Don't expect Thank You's - It would be nice to get them, I give them, hopefully you give them too. But if you don't get them, don't call attention to your handiwork, just proceed. You are your own boss. If You are happy with what you did, it probably is good enough. So bask quietly in a job well done. Come back here to the forum to get encouragement if you need it!
I'll give you an "atta boy" anytime!

5. You still are a go-to guy. Many years of experience and ability have developed that. If you have a few particularly irritating mannerisms, try to ID them and work on them. But no need to re-invent a different person, no reason to whack yourself in the head with a hammer to try to be a dummy now.

 

[Moemg]

Oww! I feel for ya!

Here are some of my suggestions, none of them will set you on the course to becoming a spineless bootlick:

1. Your job in the early AM is to get her out the door on time, or earlier. This may mean a little help here or there, or it may mean staying out of the way! It is NOT the time to bring up issues of discussion, new ideas or anything else of the sort! Don't do it! Wrong time!

2. Clothes - Towels are pretty much indestructible, as you know. So, become the Captain of Towels. You decide when to wash and dry them. Err slightly on the side of energy in-efficiency and do them often enough, so there is no "I have to do it myself!" type of self-righteous behavior out of DW. Fold and deliver them to their proper places promptly after drying them. Don't expect a thank you. You are doing it to please yourself.
If it settles down after weeks, ask her if you could take on just a liitle bit more washing duties, but just a little bit more as you need to get the hang of it. If she says no, just say OK without any attitude.

3. When you didn't do whatever good enough for her - Say, "I'm Sorry", without an attitude... and say NOTHING more about it. If you were a bit sloppy, try to do better the next time. But if you did it well but still got a complaint, just carry on.

4. Don't expect Thank You's - It would be nice to get them, I give them, hopefully you give them too. But if you don't get them, don't call attention to your handiwork, just proceed. You are your own boss. If You are happy with what you did, it probably is good enough. So bask quietly in a job well done. Come back here to the forum to get encouragement if you need it!
I'll give you an "atta boy" anytime!

5. You still are a go-to guy. Many years of experience and ability have developed that. If you have a few particularly irritating mannerisms, try to ID them and work on them. But no need to re-invent a different person, no reason to whack yourself in the head with a hammer to try to be a dummy now.

Great post !

 

[Zoocat]

Oww! I feel for ya!

Here are some of my suggestions, none of them will set you on the course to becoming a spineless bootlick:

1. Your job in the early AM is to get her out the door on time, or earlier. This may mean a little help here or there, or it may mean staying out of the way! It is NOT the time to bring up issues of discussion, new ideas or anything else of the sort! Don't do it! Wrong time!

2. Clothes - Towels are pretty much indestructible, as you know. So, become the Captain of Towels. You decide when to wash and dry them. Err slightly on the side of energy in-efficiency and do them often enough, so there is no "I have to do it myself!" type of self-righteous behavior out of DW. Fold and deliver them to their proper places promptly after drying them. Don't expect a thank you. You are doing it to please yourself.
If it settles down after weeks, ask her if you could take on just a liitle bit more washing duties, but just a little bit more as you need to get the hang of it. If she says no, just say OK without any attitude.

3. When you didn't do whatever good enough for her - Say, "I'm Sorry", without an attitude... and say NOTHING more about it. If you were a bit sloppy, try to do better the next time. But if you did it well but still got a complaint, just carry on.

4. Don't expect Thank You's - It would be nice to get them, I give them, hopefully you give them too. But if you don't get them, don't call attention to your handiwork, just proceed. You are your own boss. If You are happy with what you did, it probably is good enough. So bask quietly in a job well done. Come back here to the forum to get encouragement if you need it!
I'll give you an "atta boy" anytime!

5. You still are a go-to guy. Many years of experience and ability have developed that. If you have a few particularly irritating mannerisms, try to ID them and work on them. But no need to re-invent a different person, no reason to whack yourself in the head with a hammer to try to be a dummy now.

Interesting. This sounds exactly like my former job as wife and domestic engineer. Especially the part about not expecting a "thank you." But also especially the part about trying to ID one's irritating mannerisms and working on them. Wives are always reading "personal development" books to help them smooth out their irritating mannerisms and get along with their husbands better. Interesting. very interesting.

 

[deserat]

Well, I'm late to this as well -I have a different take on it. I do agree with Nords partnership comment, but it sounds like something else is going one here - while there are some standards to be expected, one should be grateful someone is doing the chores, period, in my estimation. The offer of a maid should have been seriously discussed - bottom line, I see this as a serious mismatch of expectations and those need to re-aligned or there will be more frustration on both sides.

Both my husband and I work but we both have household chores - I do most of the cooking because I'm better at it and my standards are much higher than his - he can grill well, make salads but that's about it. I've taught him a few stand-bys that work for us, but I'm mainly in charge of that. We both do the dishes with him doing the lion's share as I do the cooking - I've taught him to package up leftover dinner for lunches (easy to stick on lunchbox for lunch at work) and we alternate breakfast duties. He does the laundry and is excellent at it. I clean the bathrooms and we alternate between dusting and vacuuming. I usually do the yardwork (we have a pernnial garden, no lawn as I *hate* mowing lawns. We both do grocery shopping of one sort or another. We feel the duties are equitably divided and I don't see things changing much in our retirement (one or the other or both).

The key is we look at it as teamwork and we don't criticize the efforts of each other - these are chores, ferchrissakes, not meant to be necessarily fun. Therefore the expectations are not overly important in the large scheme of things. Again, one's mileage may vary.

 

[haha]

The key is we look at it as teamwork and we don't criticize the efforts of each other - these are chores, ferchrissakes, not meant to be necessarily fun. Therefore the expectations are not overly important in the large scheme of things. Again, one's mileage may vary.

Well said , but anyone who still thinks OP's wife's issues have much to do with chores isn't really paying attention.

Today I was driving along and John Lee Hooker was singing-

"Baby please don't go
Baby please don't go
Baby please don't go down to New Orleans
You know I love you so

Before I be your dog
Before I be your dog
Before I be your dog
I get you way'd out here and let you walk alone

Turn your lamp down low
Turn your lamp down low
Turn your lamp down low
I beg you all night long baby please don't go

You brought me way down here
You brought me way down here
You brought me way down here
'Bout to Rolling Forks you treat me like a dog."

First thing my mind jumped back to this thread, and of course my recent experiences.

Now OP's wife brought him way way down here to retirement, but now she be treating him like a dog. Hmmm, I wonder if this has ever happened before in the history of man and woman? Someone exploit what looks to them like pretty good leverage?

Many thread responders understood his situation, "Sure let her go with 1/2 of your loot, 1/2 your house and more than half of your security and ..."

Hey, loss of leverage is part of ER, so if you don't dig it don't do it! Men, unless you look like Brad Pitt, you ain't got squat that looks like much to a woman once you quit your job, cause that gal knows she don't need you to enjoy a good hunk of your loot anyway.

We need tee shirts to sell to married ERs. "ER Millionaire-Will Roll Over For Food".

Ha

 

[Moemg]

Men, unless you look like Brad Pitt, you ain't got squat that looks like much to a woman once you quit your job, cause that gal knows she don't need you to enjoy a good hunk of your loot anyway.

We need tee shirts to sell to married ERs. "ER Millionaire-Will Roll Over For Food".

Ha[/quo


Ha , I beg to differ with you . We women need men more for companionship and caring then anything else .Most women today have made their own stash and are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves but we still need you guys to make us feel loved .So maybe we need tee shirts that say "Rich women looking for love ".