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Old 02-12-2021, 04:23 PM   #21
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..........There was more, but you get the idea..... As I sat there I couldn't help but wonder if someday we will be in the same situation, on our own and struggling to do the simplest tasks or worse - dependent on others for help..........
If you can see this why don't the people that run the clinic also see it and give a damn? Even the grocery store or Home Depot will help you get your car loaded if you are struggling.
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Old 02-12-2021, 05:38 PM   #22
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I have talked with him about assisted living, but so far he always has an excuse. His daughter is pushing hard in that direction, but he is bullheaded about it. BTW we know the daughter well and talk about this with her, so we are all on the same page. And the daughter assures me the finances are there, though just barely.
Here's a suggestion. My mom used to complain whenever I brought the subject up, because she didn't want "to be put in an institution." But when it finally got to be too much for me to take care of her, I found a nice place and they had a program where you could do a test drive and stay there for up to three nights for a small fee.

By the third day she was raving about it and wanted to move in immediately. So many nice people, and the food was so good, and they had this and that, etc., etc.

I believe many places offer this kind of trial period, so you might want to look into it for your friend.
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Old 02-12-2021, 05:55 PM   #23
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Any personal insight on when to acquire or start looking for that kind of place? I was going to wait till 70-ish to start building my list but since the heart attack it's been moved up. However, jumping the gun has some drawbacks. I feel like I am making "The Final Arrangement" as if I were 99 yrs old. This can actually be bad for one's psychological well-being. And then there's the worser case scenario: What if I actually live a long time without much in the way of these encumbrances and my cost of living skyrockets a decade or more before it needs to?

And they said 14 was "that awkward age."
I do know that the average age for moving to assisted living or independent living is something like 85. Or maybe it’s 82-85.

So we would be seriously looking around maybe 77 for DH in anticipation of waiting lists and taking a while, but not expecting to make the move until early to mid-80s. Earlier if health issues loom. DH is very healthy for his age. I’m 4.5 years younger.
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Old 02-12-2021, 06:05 PM   #24
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The CCRC where we plan to move in a few years (we are age 70 now--hope to move in before age 75) requires you to be in good physical and mental health when you move in. You have to take a physical and a cognitive test-- so you don't want to wait too long. (We have a copy of the cognitive test and we practice it regularly). Also our CCRC has a 10 year waiting list (we have been on the waiting for several years and we are getting near the top).

My mother moved into a CCRC when she was in her early 80s. She said she wished she had moved in earlier because there were so many fun activities and trips, etc. Of course the pandemic has put all that on hold and she really misses it.
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Old 02-12-2021, 06:29 PM   #25
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Here's a suggestion. My mom used to complain whenever I brought the subject up, because she didn't want "to be put in an institution." But when it finally got to be too much for me to take care of her, I found a nice place and they had a program where you could do a test drive and stay there for up to three nights for a small fee.

By the third day she was raving about it and wanted to move in immediately. So many nice people, and the food was so good, and they had this and that, etc., etc.

I believe many places offer this kind of trial period, so you might want to look into it for your friend.
Thanks for the support. His daughter and I just need to push forward. BTW there are other fiends that help.

The test drive sounds like a good idea.
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Old 02-12-2021, 07:25 PM   #26
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For those who are considering the CCRC option, there are a lot of advantages to starting the process early in your 70's. The product is complex both in term of the financials but also finding the right place that "fits" you and your spouse. All the CCRC's we shopped offered a cost free stay so you could really gain a sense of what it would be like every day. The extended stay greatly enhances your understanding of the property and gives you the opportunity to have unfiltered conversations with the current residents.
Harllee's points regarding waitlists and the ability to meet the cognitive and fitness screenings is not to be discounted.
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Old 02-12-2021, 08:00 PM   #27
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For those who are considering the CCRC option, there are a lot of advantages to starting the process early in your 70's. The product is complex both in term of the financials but also finding the right place that "fits" you and your spouse. All the CCRC's we shopped offered a cost free stay so you could really gain a sense of what it would be like every day. The extended stay greatly enhances your understanding of the property and gives you the opportunity to have unfiltered conversations with the current residents.
Harllee's points regarding waitlists and the ability to meet the cognitive and fitness screenings is not to be discounted.

Thanks to both of you. I was scheduled for a tour of a CCRC in 2019 but another thing came up that just happened to be on the same day as that tour. So, I figured I could always reschedule because it was a lower priority/exploratory only. Last year between COVID and the heart attack that and a few other projects were waylaid. Not sure I'll be able to resched this year. Will depend on how fast the vaccine gets to my town and when CCRC's ease up on their protocols for who they let in.
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Old 02-13-2021, 05:01 AM   #28
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One advantage of being on the waitlist for my CCRC was pre- Covid I got invited to events at the CCRC (went to many of them). Also I could eat in the onsite restaurants (they have 5). Of course, all that stopped with Covid but I hope it will start up again with the vaccinations. The CCRC also had an arrangement with the county health dept and they came to the CCRC and gave vaccinations early on.
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Old 02-13-2021, 10:54 AM   #29
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After seeing how unhappy both my parents and my wife's parents were when the time came where they needed extra help and were living in some of the nicest assisted living facilities in our large city I have not yet been convinced. It will be by necessity as something that I will have to eventually be resigned to endure until my day comes due.


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Old 02-13-2021, 11:37 AM   #30
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After seeing how unhappy both my parents and my wife's parents were when the time came where they needed extra help and were living in some of the nicest assisted living facilities in our large city I have not yet been convinced. It will be by necessity as something that I will have to eventually be resigned to endure until my day comes due.


Cheers!
Why were they unhappy? Unhappy because they had health issues? Unhappy with the place they were living? Unhappy because they did not like all the activities? Unhappy with the food? Unhappy with the cost? My Mother loves living in her CCRC --she just wishes that the pandemic had not shut down all the trips and activities, she really misses those.

But I can see how a person who does not want to be around other people would not like a CCRC--too much going on. DH and I are extroverts (just like my mother) so we are sure we are going to like it (if this darn pandemic will ever get over!).
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Old 02-13-2021, 11:09 PM   #31
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I try to live by the motto: "Do not fear growing old, as it is a privilege denied to many" I have to constantly remind myself as I'm not always so disciplined.

My father passed at age 56 from cancer. I was 22 at the time and a senior in college. It changed my thinking and helped me set goals to obtain financial security to allow for choices. Dad was a very hard-working farmer that caught the "fishing bug" late in his life. He wanted to spend his later years fishing. He got in a couple of fishing trips with his brothers before he passed and was so happy talking about it.
Sorry to hear about your father. I know what you experienced. Very similar to what my father went through. He was diagnosed at age 50 with a non-operable brain tumor and given 6 months to a year to live. He never got to retire and live the good life. He lived 5 years with radiation therapy, rudimentary chemotherapy, and palliative care with mother and I taking care of him (I was going to college at the time). Last two months he was in a nursing home and it was pure hell.

My mother lived to be 85, but the last 5 years of her life were miserable. She had a litany of health problems, most due to high blood pressure and chronic renal failure. At about 70 she had a kidney removed due to a tumor on it and the remaining kidney began failing due to her high blood pressure. At about 80 she went on dialysis full time and during the last year of her life when she couldn't drive, I took her to dialysis sessions. There I saw many dialysis patients who were miserable, in pain, had no hope, and were just waiting to die. They struggled with everything they did.

During the last 3 months of my mother's life, she was in 3 different nursing homes (I moved her twice due to deplorable conditions and because of the way staff treated the patients). The third one was no better. One day she had enough and voluntarily withdrew from dialysis and lived 10 days in hospice and experienced a very excruciating and agonizing death.

So after seeing my parents go through what they did, I am not looking forward to getting old where every day is a painful struggle just to get through the day. I wish I had a better outlook on getting old. Hopefully my outlook will become more positive. I need to keep in mind I'm one of the lucky ones; still relatively healthy at 60, retired (at 58) and have plenty of funds.
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:02 AM   #32
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That sort of thing is exactly why we wanted to RE, while we were still in good enough condition to enjoy the time and the freedom from *ork.
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:13 AM   #33
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I bet they didn't like being around All Those Old People.

It can be pretty depressing, no matter how they try to disguise it with "activities" and such. And if you are the slightest bit "different" from the crowd, they'll let you know it. I see that even with my neighbors here in Florida, and we all have our own houses.

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After seeing how unhappy both my parents and my wife's parents were when the time came where they needed extra help and were living in some of the nicest assisted living facilities in our large city I have not yet been convinced. It will be by necessity as something that I will have to eventually be resigned to endure until my day comes due.


Cheers!
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:54 AM   #34
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There was more, but you get the idea..... As I sat there I couldn't help but wonder if someday we will be in the same situation, on our own and struggling to do the simplest tasks or worse - dependent on others for help. Fortunately we are both active and healthy - for now.

It was just another reminder to take care of yourself and enjoy life to its fullest while you can.
+1

I"ve mentioned a few times here about the older guy I met in a restaurant bar. At the time he said: "Oh, you've just turned 65?...just realize that you've got 13 or 15 good years left. Even if you live to be 90 by the time you hit 80 things start to go downhill and you don't want to do much and your life is pretty much a waiting game by then."

As an aside, we had some elderly friends (mid-80's) who sold their home and moved to a very, very nice (and expensive) assisted living facility; beautiful place and great food/care. On our last visit the wife said: "We've discussed it. If it wasn't against our religion, we'd both kill ourselves"...and she was quite serious.
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Old 02-14-2021, 10:11 AM   #35
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I intend to be like my mom and live in my condo until I die. She only spent a week in a nursing home. She had cancer. The 3 of us had to occasionally stay with her and help when she was really sick. My siblings were retired and I would use my vacation and sick leave to fly out. I have more money so would hire help. We respected my mom’s right to choose not to be safe.

When I was a social worker elder protection was much easier than child because adults have a right to not be safe if they so choose as long as they have their cognitive faculties.
. Being safe is highly overrated. My youngest son told me to get 2 bedrooms and then he could stay with me to help if needed. F I needed constant care I would take the final exit as I don’t intend to live that way.
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Old 02-14-2021, 10:33 AM   #36
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When young, I always thought upon getting old (say 65) I'd just kill myself as all the good years would be gone.

Now that I'm in my 60's , I'm not so keen to end things.
I've noticed this about other people, I see lots of old folks struggling along, and yet they want to live to tomorrow.

A doctor once told me, she saw quite a few patients, who had DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) orders/wishes. Yet when the person was fading fast, they had a change of heart and wanted to live. She said "they all change their mind". (The doctor exercised her own judgement as to respecting the DNR or new wishes at that point) !!

I guess the will to live, even in horrid circumstances, is really strong.
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Old 02-14-2021, 10:44 AM   #37
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I've literally never been offered help at a clinic, even when one of us is struggling. I can think of reasons:

*It's not our job; we don't have personnel for that;
*"Most people asks friends or family for help";
*Liability concerns (what if they try to help, you fall and break your neck, your family will sue the clinic)

OTOH at the hospital, they almost always offer a wheelchair.

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If you can see this why don't the people that run the clinic also see it and give a damn? Even the grocery store or Home Depot will help you get your car loaded if you are struggling.
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Old 02-14-2021, 10:45 AM   #38
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.....
I guess the will to live, even in horrid circumstances, is really strong.

Until it isn't.
As a nurse, I've witnessed folks survive things I never thought they would live through. And die with in 24 hours if they didn't.
Your body, mind, and soul are wondrous things.
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Old 02-14-2021, 10:46 AM   #39
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That's rather extreme, unless someone is in pain all the time and very lonely (and then it's quite understandable).
Did they explain why? It wasn't just because of being Old or in a facility, or was it?

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+1

As an aside, we had some elderly friends (mid-80's) who sold their home and moved to a very, very nice (and expensive) assisted living facility; beautiful place and great food/care. On our last visit the wife said: "We've discussed it. If it wasn't against our religion, we'd both kill ourselves"...and she was quite serious.
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Old 02-14-2021, 12:48 PM   #40
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That's rather extreme, unless someone is in pain all the time and very lonely (and then it's quite understandable).
Did they explain why? It wasn't just because of being Old or in a facility, or was it?
She had fallen and was in a metal neck brace and he was quickly advancing in Alzheimers. Had little to do with the place but more the circumstances.
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