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Old 02-14-2021, 01:09 PM   #41
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She had fallen and was in a metal neck brace and he was quickly advancing in Alzheimers. Had little to do with the place but more the circumstances.
I can certainly understand the misery. But given their circumstances, isolated at a separate house would be impossible. Frankly it sounds like they are fortunate to be somewhere with infrastructure to support them and adequate care.
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Old 02-14-2021, 02:13 PM   #42
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I've literally never been offered help at a clinic, even when one of us is struggling. I can think of reasons:

*It's not our job; we don't have personnel for that;
*"Most people asks friends or family for help";
*Liability concerns (what if they try to help, you fall and break your neck, your family will sue the clinic)

OTOH at the hospital, they almost always offer a wheelchair.

Yea, liability. We just did invasive surgery and gave you drugs but we are afraid to help you into your car because we night hurt you.
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Old 02-14-2021, 02:37 PM   #43
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Any personal insight on when to acquire or start looking for that kind of place?
My dad and step mom had plans to move when driving became an issue. Dad passed away before that became an issue. Step mom thought the time might have come when she broke her hip - but she made a full recovery. She was in her mid-80's and still teaching nursing part time. (she's a PhD nurse). But over time her neuropathy would get worse in the evening... so she started using a shuttle bus service to get to evening classes. Eventually she decided it was over - gave her car to her granddaughter, and made plans to move into a place with assisted living. She was 88. She taught for another year - online... before deciding she was done with that. She turns 94 in a few months and is still going strong. Her neuropathy/feet issues have worsened - so she's mostly in her wheelchair... but she scoots and moves as much as possible just to stay in shape.

I like her thinking of 'ability to drive' being a decision point.
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Old 02-14-2021, 02:46 PM   #44
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I can certainly understand the misery. But given their circumstances, isolated at a separate house would be impossible. Frankly it sounds like they are fortunate to be somewhere with infrastructure to support them and adequate care.
Yeah, but we were shocked when she said it. They had been such an upbeat, bright and lively couple. Sad in so many ways. He finally died last year. Again, it highlights the theme of this thread.
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Old 02-14-2021, 02:51 PM   #45
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After seeing how unhappy both my parents and my wife's parents were when the time came where they needed extra help and were living in some of the nicest assisted living facilities in our large city I have not yet been convinced. It will be by necessity as something that I will have to eventually be resigned to endure until my day comes due.


Cheers!
FIL got lucky and died of an aneurysm that went pretty quickly. My parents were confined to memory care units which are not much fun, but they adapted pretty well. MIL started in an assisted living place which she hated. It didn't have all her "stuff" which was what was important to her. She couldn't just "go" when she wanted to (she could have but she was no longer able to drive - so not the fault of the AL place.) She was (IMHO) a selfish person - especially at the end - so virtually nothing would have satisfied her. Eventually her dementia confined her to a care unit which she also hated. I think it has a lot to do with "underlying" personality. My parents were much more physically "sick" than MIL and yet they accepted their surroundings and did the best they could. Not suggesting this was true for Badger's parents. Just saying that much of our "existence" is based on our internal reality. It's true that some conditions can make life more of a sentence than an existence. But, I'm guessing that attitude is the biggest factor in how we age - no matter our experience (MIL was NEVER truly happy! Both my parents were pretty much happy with their lives.) YMMV
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Old 02-14-2021, 05:07 PM   #46
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Then it's totally understandable. For others less religious, it is a pity there is no euthanasia option for them.

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She had fallen and was in a metal neck brace and he was quickly advancing in Alzheimers. Had little to do with the place but more the circumstances.
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Old 02-14-2021, 05:09 PM   #47
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Well, I guess I have a selfish underlying personality too, because to be without my stuff is awful to contemplate.

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It didn't have all her "stuff" which was what was important to her. .. She was (IMHO) a selfish person - especially at the end - so virtually nothing would have satisfied her. Eventually her dementia confined her to a care unit which she also hated. I think it has a lot to do with "underlying" personality.
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Old 02-14-2021, 05:35 PM   #48
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One way I have thought to do a bit of comparison (in a mental sense at least) (and have at least a bit of experience with in a lot of cases , imagine you lived again in a college dorm, all be it with a single or double room, and better food. In one sense independent living is sort of like that (likely better food as food is one of the items these places compete on. ) The activities sort of replace classes etc, and depending on the campus you would not have to walk to classes thru 1 foot of new snow at 15 f.
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Old 02-14-2021, 05:46 PM   #49
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Unfortunately, there are no other cute students to flirt with. I suppose one has to put on some sort of mental "beer glasses" to deal with it.

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One way I have thought to do a bit of comparison (in a mental sense at least) (and have at least a bit of experience with in a lot of cases , imagine you lived again in a college dorm, all be it with a single or double room, and better food. In one sense independent living is sort of like that (likely better food as food is one of the items these places compete on. ) The activities sort of replace classes etc, and depending on the campus you would not have to walk to classes thru 1 foot of new snow at 15 f.
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:05 PM   #50
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Unfortunately, there are no other cute students to flirt with. I suppose one has to put on some sort of mental "beer glasses" to deal with it.
I've noticed some retirement living residences have a "happy hour".
One I would visit a few years ago, had it free for residents, and $1 for guests.
They were selling it below cost and it seemed very popular !!
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Old 02-14-2021, 06:16 PM   #51
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Friends live in a CCRC where they have their own multi-room house with a yard - not quite a townhouse as there is no shared wall -more like a corner as buildings are staggered. Bigger than most apartments.

So it’s nothing like slumming in a dorm hall!
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Old 02-15-2021, 04:48 AM   #52
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Well, I guess I have a selfish underlying personality too, because to be without my stuff is awful to contemplate.
Maybe your kids and grandkids will be more accommodating than MIL's were. We stuffed everything of hers we could fit into her 1br apt. She wanted EVERYTHING from her 2-story "museum" of collections. After DW found MIL on the floor of the "museum" (probably for 24 or more hours of "I've fallen and I can't get up" but no "panic button" because she didn't "want one") we made the decision to help her find an assisted living set up. Life can turn out not so sweet sometimes. YMMV
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Old 02-15-2021, 07:48 AM   #53
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We had my mother in a CCRC. It cost $170 cash on front end and $2050 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment including 20 meals per month. The place was plush, and I got a kick when the ladies taught their Dutch chef how to make cornbread the proper southern way.

My mom was fully functioning socially, however at 89 she needed to be watched all the time. 24 hour care cost $12 an hour on average.

She was going through her money fast, and she was down to her last $5K when she passed. God knew it was time. She really enjoyed her time there, however. But it sure was expensive.
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Old 02-15-2021, 08:29 AM   #54
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We had my mother in a CCRC. It cost $170 cash on front end and $2050 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment including 20 meals per month. The place was plush, and I got a kick when the ladies taught their Dutch chef how to make cornbread the proper southern way.

My mom was fully functioning socially, however at 89 she needed to be watched all the time. 24 hour care cost $12 an hour on average.

She was going through her money fast, and she was down to her last $5K when she passed. God knew it was time. She really enjoyed her time there, however. But it sure was expensive.
$170,000 move in fee and $2,050 per month is very reasonable for a CCRC in my opinion. The place where I am on the waiting list charges over double that--but its is a Type A Life Care (you do not pay additional if you have to move into skilled nursing or assisted or memory care).
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Old 02-15-2021, 08:50 AM   #55
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We had my mother in a CCRC. It cost $170 cash on front end and $2050 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment including 20 meals per month. The place was plush, and I got a kick when the ladies taught their Dutch chef how to make cornbread the proper southern way.

My mom was fully functioning socially, however at 89 she needed to be watched all the time. 24 hour care cost $12 an hour on average.

She was going through her money fast, and she was down to her last $5K when she passed. God knew it was time. She really enjoyed her time there, however. But it sure was expensive.
Yeah, that 24 hour care sure adds up!
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Old 02-15-2021, 08:55 AM   #56
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$170,000 move in fee and $2,050 per month is very reasonable for a CCRC in my opinion. The place where I am on the waiting list charges over double that--but its is a Type A Life Care (you do not pay additional if you have to move into skilled nursing or assisted or memory care).
Is your expected CCRC cost for two people?
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Old 02-15-2021, 09:08 AM   #57
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Wow, I had to force myself to read through all the posts here...force because I know I need to "face up to the future" but to me, it's depressing to think about it. Over the past two years, we just went through my dad's decline with Alzheimer's and his last year in a nursing home. I don't want to end up like that....sigh... But the information here, while hard to read, was enlightening and educational. Thanks, everyone.
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Old 02-15-2021, 10:53 AM   #58
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This topic reminds me of the time my wife and I stopped along I10 in Florida to have an early supper. We were in our early 50s and stood waiting for our table. As we looked around we noted we were probably the youngest ones there. As we stood there we watched a gentlemen going to stand up to leave he would start up and then sit back down. After 4 or 5 try’s he finally stood up. We knew that one day that we would be there and will do what we can to stay strong and healthy. However, time waits for no person.
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Old 02-15-2021, 11:33 AM   #59
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I'm completely empathetic with her unhappiness at having to accept the horrible reality that everything you've collected and treasured is going beyond your reach, while you are still alive and cognizant enough to miss it.

Too bad if she can't quite muster what it takes to pretend that she's OK with it.

Why everyone expects old ladies to be saints is beyond me.


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Maybe your kids and grandkids will be more accommodating than MIL's were. We stuffed everything of hers we could fit into her 1br apt. She wanted EVERYTHING from her 2-story "museum" of collections. After DW found MIL on the floor of the "museum" (probably for 24 or more hours of "I've fallen and I can't get up" but no "panic button" because she didn't "want one") we made the decision to help her find an assisted living set up. Life can turn out not so sweet sometimes. YMMV
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Old 02-15-2021, 03:33 PM   #60
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I'm completely empathetic with her unhappiness at having to accept the horrible reality that everything you've collected and treasured is going beyond your reach, while you are still alive and cognizant enough to miss it.

Too bad if she can't quite muster what it takes to pretend that she's OK with it.

Why everyone expects old ladies to be saints is beyond me.
Trust me, I knew MIL for a very long time. I never heard anyone accuse her of being a saint - even when things were going well. MIL simply would not accept that things in her life had changed. I understand her frustration and sense of loss, but it's not helpful to pine for what was at the expense of what is left. MIL was never abused nor did she lack for anything she needed. There simply was NO way to accommodate a life that she wanted. After strokes or dementia and physical infirmities, she simply could no longer live in her "museum" and she had to have help.

Many, if not most of her health issues, were of her own doing (not treating her diabetes, for instance). We did what we could to help her transition to a new stage of life. Her son had guardianship as MIL was no longer capable of dealing with her finances, etc. We spent her money to make her as happy as possible - with zero thought of what would be left as an inheritance (there was none - and we were fine with that - even glad that we had spent HER money on HER.)

I guess you just had to be there. Probably enough said as YMMV.
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