Poll:How often do you visit with your nearby elderly parent(s)?

[O2Bfree]

If you have one or more elderly parents in the same town or close enough to drive to easily, how often do you visit with them on average? Are you their main source of social activity? Or maybe your relationship with them doesn't warrant that, or they're often busy with other activities.

My mom, 91, lives nearby and I typically visit with her twice a week. Sometimes it's a doctor's appointment one day and lunch out another day, or she comes to my house so I can take care of some of her business online or share a home-cooked meal. And there's regular shopping trips since she doesn't drive anymore. She's in a nice assisted living place so there are other people she can interact with, though this past year has been difficult with the ban on eating in the dining room and most other activities.

I sometimes feel deficient as a daughter for not visiting more often, but we're just not very close and it's always been hard to share things with her. She likes to talk and talk about herself and her experiences, and isn't good at showing interest in others. Our visits often feel like marathons in patience.

[ExFlyBoy5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by O2Bfree If you have one or more elderly parents in the same town or close enough to drive to easily, how often do you visit with them on average? Are you their main source of social activity? Or maybe your relationship with them doesn't warrant that, or they're often busy with other activities. My mom, 91, lives nearby and I typically visit with her twice a week. Sometimes it's a doctor's appointment one day and lunch out another day, or she comes to my house so I can take care of some of her business online or share a home-cooked meal. And there's regular shopping trips since she doesn't drive anymore. She's in a nice assisted living place so there are other people she can interact with, though this past year has been difficult with the ban on eating in the dining room and most other activities. I sometimes feel deficient as a daughter for not visiting more often, but we're just not very close and it's always been hard to share things with her. She likes to talk and talk about herself and her experiences, and isn't good at showing interest in others. Our visits often feel like marathons in patience.

I think you are doing fine for a "strained relationship." Although my Dad passed away in 2018 (he was almost 91), I saw him about 2 or 3 times a week but we got along very well and I would consider him to have been one of my best friends. Our "standing visits" were breakfast at Ihop on Friday morning and Happy Hour/Dinner on Sunday night and usually a mid-week visit to take over some home cooked food. Dad also talked about himself and experiences a LOT as well, but I think that's pretty common when you reach that age. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you are living day to day and it could come to an end without notice, so there is a lot of reminiscing.

As he got sick, the visits increased (he lived alone) and I actually moved in with him the last few weeks of his life. At times it was a pain and every now and then I would dread going over there to hear the same stories for the 1,231th time. As expected, I would give almost anything to have just ONE MORE visit to hear those stories just ONE MORE TIME.

[JRon]

We moved Mom into a nursing home only a mile or so from our house for the last few years of her life. I went over to visit at least 3 times a week, but they were short visits - sometimes only 30 minutes or so. I think Mom appreciated it and although there were times when I wanted to skip, I was always happy I had visited by the time I left.

[Dtail]

DGF and I don't live close to any immediate family, but haven't visited in a year due to Covid.

[Sojourner]

I voted "two or fewer times a month", but that is mostly due to COVID. I plan to visit with my elderly dad much more often once we've both been vaccinated. He is suffering from mid-stage dementia, and I really want to make the most of the few "good" years he has left. The dementia is making it harder and harder to relate to him in a truly meaningful, satisfying way, but I'm going to give it my very best.

[braumeister]

When my mother was in her 80s and 90s she lived in a retirement community (central dining room, some assisted living) about ten miles from me. I would typically visit twice a week for about an hour each time. I was lucky in having DW also willing to visit once a week, and they had a great relationship.

Previously, she had lived far away and complained about being neglected. So when my father died I moved her to be close to us and she thought that was wonderful, getting multiple visits almost every week. The retirement community was also a godsend, since she had company three times a day for meals, and also whenever she wanted in between.

[Texas Proud]

I voted what I did when my mom was alive...


We used to take her out to eat at least once a week... and then over to our house to watch TV or play games... sometimes had her over to our house to eat but still did the rest...


It was sad when her health declined where she was in a wheelchair and we were not able to take her out, but still went to visit and play games at least once a week..

[MichaelB]

Before she moved into an ALF I visited 3x weekly, sometimes daily. Moving into an ALF was a critical step, she needed the care. Since then I’ve visited 2x weekly. I bring her favorite food for lunch and we sit and look at photos of her grandchildren.

I’ve seen her a few times over the past year, always in the parking lot when she is returning from a medical visit. In another 5 weeks I’ll be able to renew the weekly visits and look forward to having lunch with her once again.

[rodi]

My parents have both passed. My husband's mom lives in another state. My stepmom is local and doing great at age 93. She lives in an independent/assisted living community.

Prior to covid visited around 2-3 times a month. Have only seen her once, in person, since Covid... We had an 'unofficial' visit outside where residents can be picked up by family for doctors visits, etc... This was during the summer. Prior to that visits were forbidden, and have since locked down again. They are close to fully vaccinated now and have started discussing opening indoor visits again. Stepmom has received her second dose and has 1 week left till she's 'clear'.

Her community has been cautious - but it's paid off... No residents have gotten Covid... a few staff members, yes... but no residents. My son worked there prior to Covid and he's how I know this factoid (from former coworkers).

That said - we talk at least once a week and email several times a week.

[Sunset]

OP - You are doing more than lots of folks I know.

We visited DFIL prior to Covid once or twice a month.
When Covid started we didn't visit for ~3 months, and then finally decided should do a quick visit with masks.
We were shocked at his condition, basically starving and depressed as he felt alone in his home.

Now we visit a minimum twice a week, bring him cooked food, and signed him up for meals on wheels (which after some months cut back a lot) So also signed up for meals from a profit place.

I sit with him on our visits as he eats, so he is not eating alone, and sit with him in the livingroom.
He tells me again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, the same stories.
Sometimes there is a new story.
His stories of the concentration camps is most interesting to me.
Overall I've been learning a lot about his life and his parents life, some of it his children don't know.

I know to sit and listen to the stories, as I was young, full of myself and didn't think to listen when my Dad died.
I later realized I knew very little of his past life and it's gone.

[Koolau]

Both parents long gone. Before mom went to nursing home, I stopped most days to be certain she had taken her pills properly, see if she was eating, force fluids - wow, that was a challenge - see if anything needed fixed (often the TV remote was scrambled), etc. Once she was confined to the "home" I typically visited 2 or 3 times a week. YMMV

[Aerides]

My parents are 74/76, and mobile/healthy/local.

Once a week. Since they retired at 63/65 ish, they've visited for a weekly coffee friday mornings (i always did WFH on fridays), as they live 20+ mins away. I had a standing "Weekly M&D" meeting blocking my calendar for years. After I retired, we kept that up.

They moved (same distance, different house) a couple years ago so we switch who goes where for visits. Since covid, as they know DH and I are being careful, we're pretty much comfortable still visiting, but with distance/outdoor patio visits (florida).

We've only seen DH's Dad via zoom since covid. He lives the other side of the state. We'd usually see him once or twice a year in normal times, with one of those being around christmas and/or thanksgiving, and sometimes in the spring or summer too if DH's sister came to visit.

[Al in Ohio]

Quote:

Originally Posted by O2Bfree If you have one or more elderly parents in the same town or close enough to drive to easily, how often do you visit with them on average? Are you their main source of social activity? Or maybe your relationship with them doesn't warrant that, or they're often busy with other activities. My mom, 91, lives nearby and I typically visit with her twice a week. Sometimes it's a doctor's appointment one day and lunch out another day, or she comes to my house so I can take care of some of her business online or share a home-cooked meal. And there's regular shopping trips since she doesn't drive anymore. She's in a nice assisted living place so there are other people she can interact with, though this past year has been difficult with the ban on eating in the dining room and most other activities. I sometimes feel deficient as a daughter for not visiting more often, but we're just not very close and it's always been hard to share things with her. She likes to talk and talk about herself and her experiences, and isn't good at showing interest in others. Our visits often feel like marathons in patience. [emoji57]

Both my parents live 10 minutes away and pre covid I used to visit once a week and call twice a week. Post covid I visit every other week with masks. They are both in their late 80’s.

[6miths]

Probably twice a week. April to November I cut the grass and do yard work and then sit down and have lunch with my mom. Winter it is more just doing stuff around the house and sometimes only once a week. Talk on the phone twice a week on top of that. My sister lives close by too and is similar. She used to be here once a week for dinner but less when kids got big and now not at all with COVID.

[harllee]

My mom lives about 1.5 hours away. PreCovid I visited her about once a month. During Covid I was visiting her once a month, outside and masked. But since it has gotten so cold I have not visited her since Christmas (it was freezing then) and I really miss seeing her. I call her everyday and we talk for at least 30 minutes. She has had her 2 vaccines. I get my second vaccine this week, so in a few weeks I plan to visit her again and hopefully see her at least once a month.

[pacergal]

Before my folks passed, visited 2-4 times a month. In fact, we would have a big family dinner get-together monthly.
Mom died suddenly, about 2 days after Dad was out of a 3 weeks ICU visit.
Dad lived 7 more years, but was pretty ill. Lived at home, but was in and out of rehab a few times. My siblings and I all visited weekly, sometimes twice. He needed someone to check in every day. Towards the end, we were there 24 hr/day, we each took a 2 day stint.
Luckily, we all lived nearby, everyone gets along with each other. Dad was pretty with-it ,even in the end. Always enjoyed my visits.

[ejman]

My mom passed summer of 2019 at age 103. She'd been at a nursing home since she broke her hip at age 94 (she didn't want to do any rehab so she was in a wheelchair from then on). I called her every day and visited twice a week for all that time. As other posters noted stories told many times. She was a very private person and there were whole areas of her life she wouldn't talk about. She liked to talk about her childhood a lot and spoke very fondly of her grandparents on one side (not so much on the other). I'm glad I was there for her all those years and hope she appreciated it- but I really don't know. As she descended into dementia in her latter years phone communication became much more difficult but I kept up the visits to the end.

[mountainsoft]

I voted 2-3 times a month. That's about how often we visit my wife's mom. I wouldn't mind but every visit turns into an all day event, doing chores around her house, and talking endlessly about mindless stuff I could care less about. So I'm bored a lot on those visits.

My mom had a stroke in 2017 and lives in assisted living now. Before COVID I visited every other week to take her grocery shopping. Now I just pick up groceries every other week and drop them off at the front desk. She didn't have contact with me for 20+ years, so we've never been that close. Conversations are pleasant and friendly, but we generally run out of things to talk about after 20-30 minutes.

We hadn't been able to see my mom since early September, so I finally scheduled a 30 minute COVID safe meeting in the lobby last week. After checking in she had me come up to her room to fix her Netflix (kind of against the rules, and I wasn't able to get it going), then back down stairs where she promptly said goodbye so she could go get lunch. It wasn't worth the effort to even make arrangements for the special visit, and I left feeling kind of irritated.

Most of the time I just feel like an errand boy for my mom. If she didn't rely on me for groceries and doctor visits, I doubt I would ever hear from her. Sadly, that bridge was burned decades ago, so I wouldn't be heartbroken if that was the case.

[1242Vintage]

Mom (age 80) and I have a standing date on Tuesdays. She lives 45 minutes away so makes it real easy. Sometimes my brother meets me there too. If it’s nice out we go on a short walk or we get some takeout and just talk. Last week I made stew while brother helped her set up a new laptop. Agenda varies but it’s always good.

[cooch96]

DM lives over 1k miles away, and DF lives almost 2k away. DM is terrified of getting sick and wouldn't let me in the door if I visited. DF is a virus skeptic and drove 700mi to visit my siblings over Xmas, just like usual.

But both are in reasonable health; DF even lost 50LBS this year and is more spry than I remember in a decade. I hope to see them again before they expire.