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Old 11-09-2017, 10:10 AM   #41
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However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.
That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:14 AM   #42
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They could be perfect angels, and a mess is still pretty much guaranteed when you get a family together that is big enough to require a whole house for their party.

Even if they hire a cleaning service, it's still a lot of wear and tear.

Completely unreasonable request.

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That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:23 AM   #43
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Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

I have two good friends in the neighborhood ( one also ER and another who just works a few hours a day at home now ) and we always do favors requested of each other. If it is inconvenient we just say so, with no reason needed. It works out fairly evenly. For me it’s worth the occasional minor inconvenience to have the accompanying “favor support network” in place.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:41 AM   #44
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I've been in a similar situation, so I know the feeling of adrenaline spiking and all that. I think it all depends on what kind of relationship you have with her, but I have a feeling that you felt inconvenienced a bit already when the lunch date morphed into you picking up the lunch and taking it to her house, because her running errands was more important to her than keeping the lunch date at a restaurant.

I probably would have just told her that I was too busy to do it, with no explanation, but who knows. I had one friend who was always late for our dates. She would call, but still late nonetheless. A couple of times she was more than 30 minutes late when I had dinner ready for her. After a few of those incidents, I ripped into her saying she had no respect for my time. I was ready to drop the friendship, but she understood what I said and she turned around for me (never late except on rare occasions that she was held up by work or traffic). We have been friends for over a decade now. Another friend, I helped her with cat-sitting her cats many times (for free) and it got to the point where she was asking me to do a whole lot more than just feeding the cats (making me do unnecessary duties.) One time, I told her I couldn't do it and suggested that she talked to another mutual friend of ours and she said "Oh, no, I don't wanna ask her. She would expect me to pay for it." I dropped the friendship pretty much right there and then.

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I call people like these divas. I am pretty easy and helpful, but only up to a point. Once I feel used or taken advantage of (when someone shows no respect for my time or the help I'm providing for them), that's it. No more favors, no, nothing. I only keep friends who are *willing* to meet me half way. (I say, "willing". They may not, but the intention is what matters to me.)
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:44 AM   #45
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I have two good friends in the neighborhood ( one also ER and another who just works a few hours a day at home now ) and we always do favors requested of each other. If it is inconvenient we just say so, with no reason needed. It works out fairly evenly. For me it’s worth the occasional minor inconvenience to have the accompanying “favor support network” in place.
I totally agree. Our next door neighbor and we are willing to clear each other's snow when we are out of town.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:44 AM   #46
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What the difference between this and the things many early retirees want to volunteer for?
You just do not want to be abused and this was just a one-time event. No big deal.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:45 AM   #47
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My neighbors seem to value self-reliance, as do my friends. People in my family have a tendency to feel entitled to my free time, but they live far away for most of the year and I rarely have to deal with their constant demands (though my poor sister has to, despite a full work schedule). MIL lives close to us and can be demanding of my time (yard work, banking/investment/tax advice, home maintenance, etc...), but I have set boundaries with her.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:52 AM   #48
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However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.
It sounds like a scene from some movie (a comedy, obviously). Surreal!
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:57 AM   #49
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Thank you, everyone. It was helpful to receive your perspectives, and your validation. I hadn't thought I was a pushover, but now that I am making *myself* the priority, I can see how often I have compromised and accommodated the needs of others.

I will definitely delay my responses to text messages by twelve to twenty-four hours, and retrain everyone that they don't get same-day replies. In fact, I won't worry about the texter getting the "read (at time)" message without an accompanying reply to their text. My delay in replying IS a message, right? Just because they want an instant response doesn't mean I am compelled to give them one. (This makes me squirm with discomfort, but I agree that it is a very good retraining for both them and me.)

I will absolutely use that beautiful and simple script, "Oh--I already have plans." That is brilliant. And true, as you all pointed out!

Again, thanks for the quick and constructive feedback. I appreciate you sharing your experiences as I transition this huge change. I still do the giddy-happy dance every morning, and sing "I don't have to go to work today!" while making my coffee. I am sure that once this becomes my new baseline, these simple requests won't throw me for a loop.
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Old 11-09-2017, 11:24 AM   #50
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You could do it, for a price. Your ending hourly pay? ��

No is the default answer. Don't start doing something you don't want to do. Say no emphatically.
I've already established that my ending hourly pay is nowhere near enough to get me to do things/work that I don't enjoy. No, and I can no longer be bought in any form.
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Old 11-09-2017, 12:38 PM   #51
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Not every finds it easy to say no. I do not have a problem with it, I just say it nicely and with a smile, and if possible try to suggest an alternative. DW has a hard time saying no, and I (by her request) am helping her adjust. She is essentially retired - only teaching one day a week, something she loves" - and gets requests to help with house sitting, baby sitting, cooking, etc. multiple times a week.

My approach is to look at every request and try to discern if it is a one time thing or if there is potential for a trend to develop. The "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" saying might come into play as well.
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:37 PM   #52
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Now that's what I call chutzpah. You don't even know him, right?
Agree. Talked to him twice I think.
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:39 PM   #53
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That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.
Yes, agree. I figured if I said yes the first time he would ask all the time. I should sell him the house then borrow it back when I needed it.
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:41 PM   #54
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It sounds like a scene from some movie (a comedy, obviously). Surreal!
Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:58 PM   #55
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Ya, a little strange for sure. Doubt we will get very friendly with this guy. He had the nerve to say “he wouldn’t hold it against me if I declined”. Well guess what? I’m holding it against him.
He just figured you didn't use it much so he would help put it to more optimal use! He's probably efficient and hates waste as much as the rest of us. Sounds like a nice guy!

And can I spend a couple weeks crashing at your pad with my 3 unruly kids this summer? Still debating what to do over the summer. Don't worry we don't break much - past couple summers in airbnbs all it has been is 3 lamps and a glass coffee table. Who knew 3 year olds can't jump through glass tables?!?!
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:59 PM   #56
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So, what are your negative qualities?
Oh hey, sorry it took me a day to get back to you. I don't check my messages on here often. Guess I totally flaked out! Now what were we talking about?
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Old 11-09-2017, 02:35 PM   #57
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There was only one time that a friend asked me to be at his place to let in a contractor and I was glad to do so...he was in the process of building a house and one of his parents suddenly became ill that morning. I knew that if he re-scheduled that particular contractor it would have meant that several other contractors coming over the next few days would also have had to be rescheduled (that contractor had to be done before other work could be done) causing a major delay during a busy building season.

It was a favour that I was glad to do as he would have done the same for me. It wasn't like he was asking just because I had free time and he didn't want to be inconvenienced.
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Old 11-09-2017, 02:42 PM   #58
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However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.
I had a friend (not very close) who used to pull tricks like that. He'd ask me what I was doing that afternoon and if I said "nothing", then he'd say "great, can I borrow your truck?". I made sure to invite him over using the same tactic one day and once he found out I wanted help shingling my house he had to quickly backtrack by remembering a prior commitment.

He never called me again...
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Old 11-09-2017, 02:55 PM   #59
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Ahhh. This thread is refreshing. I have had the same experiences. It's funny how we figure it out and learn that it's OK to say, "No". We need to find the balance where we are happy and not taken advantage of. People get over it, I have observed. The ones that don't...you don't have to put up with them, then. True friends understand and don't use you.
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Old 11-09-2017, 02:57 PM   #60
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I think it all depends on how close the friendship is and how you are asked. We have friends that were having some extensive work done to their home, and it had to be scheduled while they were going to be away. I don't recall if they asked, or I volunteered, but it doesn't matter. For them I would create time in my "retirement schedule" to help out.

I think, for the OP, the issue was last minute text (call for something like this for Pete's sake), and having just retired. I can understand the anxiety, and concern about abuse. But if they really are a good friend, you know they will return the favor, if you need it.
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