setting time boundaries with spouse

[Nemo2]

From my perspective.....I already lost one wife to cancer...I'm not about to lose another to trivia.

[SumDay]

Slughorn, I am moderately disturbed, because I now suspect my husband has another family in whatever town it is you live in.

[Winemaker]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn Yo, y'all, So, I'm watching for 'the thin edge of the wedge,' where you start doing little things to make the family run more smoothly, and, before you know it, you're spending all morning ironing your spouse's socks. (speaking of socks; I think I came up with a brilliant sol'n: I saw DH squinting in the predawn light, trying to decide if the socks in his hand were navy or black. Since he only has a few pair of navy socks, and since I fold laundry during the day, when the light is good, I wrote NAVY on a ziplock, and put his navy socks inside. I think that might forestall a headache in the morning...or a mismatched outfit.) Now, back to the decluttering, which is my pet project for .... maybe the next year.

I have another solution, put all navy socks in trash bag! Or Goodwill bag!

Back to original question. It's only been 19 days; if he likes a scheduled life, well, get his input and make a schedule. Yours, with some tweaking. It's a marriage not life sentence. If he has jobs he needs to get done around the house, find out what they are and get them done or set them up to get done.
For example, if he wants the dog house painted then paint it during the week. If you can't paint the dog house, have the drop clothes, paint brush, mixing stick, brush cleaner, primer, paint, sandpaper, and masking tape already for his use. IOW, set him up for success.

As far as fun things, subscribe to a "fun" magazine or two. ( but not Popular Mechanics or This Old House if you get my drift) Leave it out in open or read parts of a story to him, around here in Grapetown, there's always a festival, farmer's market or event, within 10 minutes of the house. It takes two to Tango, so put your shoes on and start playing the music.

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by SumDay Slughorn, I am moderately disturbed, because I now suspect my husband has another family in whatever town it is you live in.

Nope; he's too busy here to have another family!

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by Winemaker I have another solution, put all navy socks in trash bag! Or Goodwill bag!

Nope. He likes his navy socks with certain clothes. Yes, really.

[Winemaker]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn Nope. He likes his navy socks with certain clothes. Yes, really.

Put those certain outfits with the socks!

[Sunset]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn .... (speaking of socks; I think I came up with a brilliant sol'n: I saw DH squinting in the predawn light, trying to decide if the socks in his hand were navy or black. Since he only has a few pair of navy socks, and since I fold laundry during the day, when the light is good, I wrote NAVY on a ziplock, and put his navy socks inside. I think that might forestall a headache in the morning...or a mismatched outfit.) .....

OMG.... You are kidding right ?
I count myself lucky DW throws my socks in 1 drawer and undies in the other...

My solution is I buy White socks and Black socks, white for everyday and black for work & funerals (which are sort of similar).

[MichaelB]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn So, how do you set boundaries when your spouse starts to assume you've got infinite free time which can be used for their convenience?

Are you certain the issue here is the way he values his time vs yours? Could there be some resentment that he still works while you do not?

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by Winemaker if he likes a scheduled life, well, get his input and make a schedule.

Oh, quite the opposite. I call it a self-imposed erratic schedule.

For example, one Saturday morning, about 12 years ago, I slept in. (very rare; I'm usually the early riser.)

He had started tearing down cabinets in the kitchen...because we would have a renovation in a couple years and thought we could live without those particular cabinets.

It turned out to be a good idea, but ... yep. Just like that! He decided. And went for it. If I got out the paintbrushes to paint the doghouse, they would sit around for weeks, because he'd decide that this was the weekend to clean the gutters instead.

Now, about painting the doghouse. What's the emoji for sighing? Would you believe that a carpenter recently refused to do any more work at his parents' house because 'I can't do work to your standards'? That's how he was raised. NO ONE can paint the doghouse as well as he can paint the doghouse. The end.

Now, DH has many, many excellent qualities. But, here's an example of his perfectionism: One time I bought a batch of day lily bulbs. My 4-year-old and I planted them outside on a pretty day. DH was upset. He dug them up and replanted them -- in precise rows. Have you seen how day lilies grow?

When he planted grass plugs, he laid out a measuring tape and marked off each spot before planting. I don't think he understands botany.

But, he's in the safety department, so his perfectionism is put to good use at work.

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by Winemaker Put those certain outfits with the socks!

That's a smart idea. I should do that ... socks in a bag on the hanger. End of confusion.

[braumeister]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn before you know it, you're spending all morning ironing your spouse's socks.

I'm not clear on this -- would that be considered problematic?





j/k

[Meadbh]

Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

[razztazz]

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Originally Posted by Meadbh Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

Thank you. I have been holding back on this . Didn't want to sound like an instigator.

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by MichaelB Are you certain the issue here is the way he values his time vs yours? Could there be some resentment that he still works while you do not?

No, he wanted me to quit long before I decided to.

He just doesnt' seem to realize that other people have goals and schedules as well. It's as if he thinks that all my chores can be done in 30 minutes ... but he doesn't like time constraints put on his work...

and that's why I'm worried that my retirement will become, "... while you're home today, it's important that we get all the CDs arranged alphabetically ... and the dog kibble color-coded ... and the cobwebs off the shed .... it'll only take half-an-hour or so."

Now, back to the last round of chores before supper.

[ivinsfan]

Your original post said this was about a time issue....actually your spouse appears to be very controlling...with a side of O C D thrown in.your biggest challenge is going to be what happens when he's home 24/7.

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by Meadbh Yet again, I thank my lucky stars that I am single.

Oh, no. He's a lovely person who laughs at my jokes, has been my rock in tough times, and indulges my eccentricities as well.

I just want to forestall the "you're home all day; you can do this ... my way " attitude !

(I think oldwizard had a thread with a similar issue; not sure how that worked out.)

[Slughorn]

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Originally Posted by ivinsfan Your original post said this was about a time issue....actually your spouse appears to be very controlling...with a side of O C D thrown in.your biggest challenge is going to be what happens when he's home 24/7.

I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ?

I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

[ivinsfan]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ? I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

In most people's minds someone who digs up bulbs you have lovingly planted with your 4 year old because they weren't done properly is controlling..... The not understanding time issue could be something else. My 19 year old niece with adult ADHD can't figure out what time to get up and get out the door to be in class on time. Literally can't figure out how long it takes her to get ready every morning.

You're a new poster and I don't want you to think we are all man bashers or anti-marriage.But many of us wouldn't flourish in the set-up you describe here.You obviously care deeply for your DH.

[Winemaker]

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Originally Posted by Slughorn That's a smart idea. I should do that ... socks in a bag on the hanger. End of confusion.

I meant putting the outfits with the socks in the garbage or Goodwill. There is more important things in life than sorting blue/black socks with blue/black sock outfits.

I worked as a supervisor in various coal mines for over 35 years, I dedicated my life to safety in coal mines, especially the ones where I worked. Perfection has nothing to do with safety, following safe working plans does.

If he told you earlier in the week he was to paint the doghouse and now he wants to clean the gutters, then he's not following HIS plan. We have a problem Houston, and it ain't flooding.....

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slughorn I think ... clueless, rather than controlling. He honestly doesn't seem to understand that, for example, cooking dinner takes more than 15 minutes. But clueless isn't the right word either. unaware? disbelieving ? incredulous ? I'll have to think of a better way to describe it.

I am reminded of the episode of Downton Abbey. The head Butler Carson is married to Mrs. Hughes (Finally!). He has no idea what it takes to run the small house they live in. Alas, his wife gets injured and he has to take over cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, etc. He quickly learns the realities of life.