the horror of family vacations

[Grabberson]

Trying to fit back into family roles with my siblings would be about as comfortable as wearing the shoes I wore when I was 12. They're great people and we have a solid common background, but they're weirdos in their own way. With my sibling get-togethers, I've found that frequent separation is key. After breakfast I say "Hey, we're going sight-seeing, see you at dinner". At 8pm I say "We're tired, see you in the morning".

[Moemg]

For better or for worse they are your family so I would try to chill and then go to my room and scream some day you may miss them a lot .

[calico1597]

My brothers were redneck high school drop outs, content to live on welfare. All three are deceased and one remaining sister who is a spook. No way would I have met up with any of them.

[daylatedollarshort]

Quote:

Originally Posted by calico1597 My brothers were redneck high school drop outs, content to live on welfare. All three are deceased and one remaining sister who is a spook. No way would I have met up with any of them.

Spook? A spy?

[NW-Bound]

I must be very fortunate in that I get along with my 2 younger brothers and my older sister much better than as earlier posters describe. Not only that, our spouses get along reasonably well.

We all live in the same town, in fact within a radius of a few miles. My children also get along well with their cousins. My daughter is specially close to one of my nieces who is of the same age. They are like best friends. And it so happens that their husbands get along well too. The four of them and my son get together almost every week.

My brothers and I take turn hosting large family get-together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. Everybody is happy to come, although we do have loud "discussions" when someone inevitably brings up politics. No hard feelings afterward though.

[Hyper]

Unfortunate! My fam learned from the best to tear each other apart. DW fam were raised right and I get along good with most. I don't do drama anymore and have given my fam each one last chance. Only have a cpl left that I have anything to do with and those don't look too promising. Really sad but best for the children not to see what we seen and went through when we were young.

[Sunset]

If they have this family vacation time at the same time, perhaps you could volunteer to work at that time ? "Sorry my boss said I have to stay ".

Or book a trip that runs into the vacation (overseas, or a cruise), so you can miss it, or at least the first few days.

[unclemick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ugeauxgirl Ok- so my parents pay for lodging at a fantastic destination every other year. We are responsible for getting there and a meal, and spend a week enjoying the destination and (theoretically) each other. Here is the problem I've found- its disorienting trying to fit back into our family roles- as slblings and children after we've all been head of our own households for 20 years. I'm 46, my brother is 50 and my sister is 42. We have all become incredibly different- myself especially. I find myself the black sheep at these gatherings and I frankly dread them, but can't refuse for a number of reasons. And to make it worse, there is always a lot of alcohol involved which makes everything a little more volatile. I'm not sure what I'm asking. My husband always insists after leaving these occasions that I must have been switched at birth, but I can't help feeling that its somehow my fault I can't seem to fit in. Oddly I LOVE hanging out with his family? Any advice?

This year - one week, Bend Oregon, 14 of us ages 4 to 74. Like the salesman training - we avoid sex, politics or religion as topics.

As to Black Sheep - I test INTJ, Left handed and do NOT golf.

heh heh heh - Been meeting a different place each year for over ten years. Wife's side is the same spot every year and numbers up to 25. No major ex communications. ? a miracle.

[Amethyst]

I am at a loss as to why OP cannot beg off.

How well I get along with my siblings depends on whom they are married to. One of my brother's four (sequential) wives was rabidly jealous of me, and he stopped liking me for 25 years until she died, whereupon he married a dear lady who wanted only to be friends. So then he was friendly, until she died. His fourth wife is cordial but uninterested in me and mine (she is focused on her big family), so he ignores me now. She seems extremely healthy, so I will probably never see him again.

[Bamaman]

Since we lost my parents 10 & 12 years ago, my sister and I have families that have drifted apart.
On vacations, my sister refuses to fly coach when going overseas. We refuse to spend $ for business class and fly Norwegian Air Shuttle cheap.
When we cruise, it is on Norwegian or Celebrity. Sis cruises on Oceana with a butler.
We are flying on Southwest next week to NYC to take a repositioning cruise. Sis just got back from NYC for the weekend in her personal LearJet 45.
We love floating around the river in our pontoon boat. Sis sent pictures last week of her whole family hauling in 10 sailfish on a 66 ft. Viking sport fisherman boat in the Florida Keys. I wonder if her two pilots went out with them!
Our mountain place is a fifth wheel trailer in the Blue Ridge mountains in a campground. Sis has a second house in an equestrian neighborhood in the NC mountains.
I retired at 58. Sis and her husband are 70 and he's still working hard in a family business. They cannot afford to retire with such overhead.
I think my wife and I have done quite well for ourselves.

[easysurfer]

I don't do family vacations with my siblings. If I did, that would drive me bonkers. No fun having all the dynamics of growing up resurface again. Too much of some siblings trying to pull rank over others.

Don't get me wrong, I like get together reunions. But prefer something like we all meet somewhere for dinner. Optional attendance..

Tip to OP. If can't cancel and not show up, hope the place has good wifi to keep your mind away from any family tension.

[Marita40]

Ah, I feel for you. This happened to me for a long time; I dreaded it for months on end. I'm a fairly quiet person in an endlessly "chatty" family. Exhausting. Endured it and pasted on a smile, brought a couple big novels, and excused myself as much as possible to read. Got criticized for that, too.

[Badger]

I'm amazed at how many folks put up with family members who make their lives uncomfortable. If they were strangers would they be friends? You can't pick your family but you can choose whether or not you spend time with them.

I have a wonderful sister and brother-in-law whom I have great respect for but my brother is a jerk that I refuse to recognize as family. Quite a few years ago I disowned him. If you only knew you probably would have done the same. I prefer to spend my time with people who are caring, compassionate, and kind that have integrity.

Cheers!

[braumeister]

I don't think it's unusual at all -- fairly common among my friends and acquaintances.

I think if I were in the OP's shoes I would invent a reason for not going this year. That would make it easier to avoid it in future years.

Putting up with that nonsense for an entire week just isn't worth it IMHO. Our lives diverge as much from family members as from anyone else.

[Maenad]

1. Check out Captain Awkward, she has lots of good advice for situations like this, many people with difficult family dynamics have written in to her.

2. Forcing you into your childhood roles? You're the black sheep? They've convinced you it's your fault, and you "can't" avoid these torture sessions? I'm so sorry for the number they've done on your brain. It may sound flippant, but I honestly recommend counseling to help you build boundaries. What you are describing may be common, but It's Not OK, and "but faaaaaamily!" is no excuse.

To paraphrase another poster, "If these were random other people, not blood-related, would you put up with this?" There's your answer. Being related is too-often used to excuse horrible behavior, and we'd all be better off if that myth died a quick death.

I say this as someone married to a man who barely speaks to his entire family (immediate or extended). Sometimes our families of birth suck, and separating yourself for your own mental health is not a cardinal sin.

Sorry, this is a hot topic for me - BIL is physically abusive, having him in our lives would actually place our health in danger, and I'm strongly protective of those I love (DH in this instance). It all combines to make me Hulk-out a little.

[Aerides]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst I am at a loss as to why OP cannot beg off.

If it were my parents and this was their thing to "treat" us every year, they'd be really upset if I begged off, especially if they weren't already aware that it was a train wreck every year.

[NYEXPAT]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ugeauxgirl We grew up in a hick area- a reality show was practically filmed in my back yard. I think its funny- sister tells everyone she has no idea where that was filmed- not her part of the state. I like mud-truck racing....

Just recently got into "Hick-Hop", your post made me think of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUCnbXWK0EA

[ugeauxgirl]

Thanks all- some good advice (and commiseration) and i appreciate it!

[JoeWras]

My parents are both gone. I'd give anything to spend time with them again.


Fortunately, I get along with my siblings, even though we are different. So maybe I'm jaded.



Just remember, this may be the last time you see mom and/or dad.

[Souschef]

I love this quote:
There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy.