What issues arise when one spouse keeps w*rking?

[Chuckanut]

Count me in with those who say use a good part of your extra time to make life easier for the working spouse.

When I became a teacher I started having summer off, though I still had to deal with the kids and various classes and stuff to prepare for the next school year. In any event, I took over the housework, shopping, taking the kids to the doctor, and the other daily stuff of maintaining a household. I detected some resentment on her part, but it was not an issue between us.

In mid August I got the dreaded "Welcome back to a new school year" letter from the district, and informed her that I was now back to working full time so she would have to resume her half of the household duties. A few weeks later I heard her say to a friend "I was resentful when Chuck had the summer off, but now that he is working again and I have to shop, clean, prepare meals and look after the kids, I realize how wonderful it was to just have my job as my only big responsibility." Or something to that effect.

Being able to come home, put up one's feet, relax, read the paper, and enjoy a glass of wine until dinner is ready is a huge benefit of having a non working spouse, IMHO.

In other words, treat her like a queen because you have the time to do so. And make sure she knows about the 'time' part.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere What I WANT to do is work full time in my high-earning field but, as I said, that might not be a possibility. If I can't find full time work I'm certainly going to enjoy the down time and relax after working full time since 1979. I think I've earned it and I won't feel guilty about it. It was this board that taught me that I shouldn't feel guilty about not working but I guess I'm hearing mixed messages in my current context, which is interesting

Guilty about not working when you are FI...which apparently you are not. Whether you have earned it and won't feel guilty about it isn't the point. You said you think you can get by with what your spouse makes working full time supplemented with some part income from you. Your spouse might wish for more down time and relaxing too and she won't be afforded that opportunity.

If and when you lose your job and have difficulty finding another one you and your spouse can have a heart to heart, anything you say right now is just speculating.

[FreeBear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere We are not yet FI, hence the need for her to work. We would be fine on her salary alone, but I think there are some things that I can do part time

How far are you from FI? Is it months, years, decade(s)?? You can consider 3 different levels: survival, baseline, and luxury. What's your target SWR?

What happens when you eventually become FI? Would you want to retire or at least scale back to part-time? What about DW?

Maybe there is a big difference between having to w*rk (before FI) vs. DW choosing to w*rk for fun.

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeBear How far are you from FI? Is it months, years, decade(s)?? You can consider 3 different levels: survival, baseline, and luxury. What's your target SWR? What happens when you eventually become FI? Would you want to retire or at least scale back to part-time? What about DW? Maybe there is a big difference between having to w*rk (before FI) vs. DW choosing to w*rk for fun.

She enjoys her current job. If she continues to enjoy her work as much as she has, she likely would continue to keep working
\
I think once the team is FI and I do my fifth winter Florida golf trip I'll be able to convince her to retire - until then she's likely to be happiest at work

[Aerides]

What's missing is how close you are FI - you and you wife.

If you are safe to retire financially now, great, then it's totally up to each of you when to stop working. If you're not FI, and you're creating a multi-year dependency on her to do all the heavy lifting - when your prior plans had been to share the load - that's something that needs to be a discussed and very clear.

That she enjoys her career is great, but if she feels stuck with no choice (let's say she gets a new boss in 2 years that she hates, or a new assignment that tanks, etc.) .. and you're off golfing? yeah no that's a recipe for disaster.

[AboutThere]

I think I've just come up with an idea for new forum -

"Financially dependent, early retirement" -

Many good comments here about the need to basically make the working spouse's life easy so as to avoid resentment. Unfortunately I'm not very handy but I am a good cook and sommelier

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides What's missing is how close you are FI - you and you wife. If you are safe to retire financially now, great, then it's totally up to each of you when to stop working. If you're not FI, and you're creating a multi-year dependency on her to do all the heavy lifting - when your prior plans had been to share the load - that's something that needs to be a discussed and very clear. That she enjoys her career is great, but if she feels stuck with no choice (let's say she gets a new boss in 2 years that she hates, or a new assignment that tanks, etc.) .. and you're off golfing? yeah no that's a recipe for disaster.

One thing you are missing is that my job situation is not by choice. These are not decisions, these are circumstances.

[omni550]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere I think I've just come up with an idea for new forum - "Financially dependent, early retirement" - Many good comments here about the need to basically make the working spouse's life easy so as to avoid resentment. Unfortunately I'm not very handy but I am a good cook and sommelier

How are you with dishes? The richest man in the world does dishes after dinner....

“I do the dishes every night,” Bezos said. And, without any prompting, he offered this awkward follow-up: “I’m pretty convinced it’s the sexiest thing I do.”

https://www.recode.net/2014/12/3/116...-from-his-rare

--

Even if not handy, be the one that handles any outsourced work and the inevitable issues that arise.

omni

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by omni550 How are you with dishes? The richest man in the world does dishes after dinner.... “I do the dishes every night,” Bezos said. And, without any prompting, he offered this awkward follow-up: “I’m pretty convinced it’s the sexiest thing I do.” https://www.recode.net/2014/12/3/116...-from-his-rare -- Even if not handy, be the one that handles any outsourced work and the inevitable issues that arise. omni

Funny you should say that - I love doing dishes.

In the sink. The old-fashioned way

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere She enjoys her current job. If she continues to enjoy her work as much as she has, she likely would continue to keep working \ I think once the team is FI and I do my fifth winter Florida golf trip I'll be able to convince her to retire - until then she's likely to be happiest at work

You come off as pretty flip in these remarks, you mean once the team is FI after your wife puts in the required years at her work and she sees you do your multiple winter golf trips you'll be able to "convince" her to quit working.Like you are doing her a favor.

Wow just Wow..

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere One thing you are missing is that my job situation is not by choice. These are not decisions, these are circumstances.

Remember to collect Unemployment while you are "looking" for a job as good as the one you will lose.

The tiny revenge for Ageism.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by omni550 How are you with dishes? The richest man in the world does dishes after dinner.... “I do the dishes every night,” Bezos said. And, without any prompting, he offered this awkward follow-up: “I’m pretty convinced it’s the sexiest thing I do.” https://www.recode.net/2014/12/3/116...-from-his-rare -- Even if not handy, be the one that handles any outsourced work and the inevitable issues that arise. omni

You really believe this PR stuff, he's just trying to convince us he's "just one of the guys"

[omni550]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan You really believe this PR stuff, he's just trying to convince us he's "just one of the guys"

Hey, why not?

Or maybe he's discovered the key to his wife's <ahem> heart?

Study: Women Find Men Who Do Housework Sexy
Study: Women Find Men Who Do Housework Sexy - ABC News

omni

[FreeBear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by omni550 Hey, why not? Or maybe he's discovered the key to his wife's <ahem> heart? Study: Women Find Men Who Do Housework Sexy Study: Women Find Men Who Do Housework Sexy - ABC News omni

DW tells me this all the time

Seriously, I do most of the dishes and help with the tedious the cooking prep, although she is the chef and boss in the kitchen. I feel like I'm always doing dishes...

I don't love doing dishes, but I do love DW. End of story.

[AboutThere]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan You come off as pretty flip in these remarks, you mean once the team is FI after your wife puts in the required years at her work and she sees you do your multiple winter golf trips you'll be able to "convince" her to quit working.Like you are doing her a favor. Wow just Wow..

Yes, it's clearly a joke.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AboutThere Yes, it's clearly a joke.

I understand you are happy to see light at the end of your work tunnel...your spouse might love working and be on board with the situation yet feel a little let down that she can't have the same option..joking might not go over too well..

[AboutThere]

OP here

Thanks to all who replied - the old Sergeant is tired, frankly, but ready for another assignment, but we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll be doing dishes like in basic training again!

[rodi]

My husband retired before me. He's older... but he'd always thought he'd keep working till at least 65. Instead he retired at 62. I encouraged it because he was
a) at a good stopping point with his projects at work.
b) could be more involved with our teenagers.
c) we were very close to our "number" and I was the high wage earner.

That said - I was initially resentful... even though I had encouraged him. He quickly stepped up the housework and my resentment slipped away.

My advice - do not QUIT or willingly go part time if you have the option to stay full time until you have buy in from your spouse. If you are forced out of your job, or forced to part time - that's a different scenario.

If you do go part time while your wife continues to work - be a good homemaker. Don't plan expensive trips without her - making that "number" that much further off... you want to be a team in reaching the FI number... And spending money on things that are solely for you is not a good way to be a team member... it appears selfish. Postpone those trips till you're both able to take them... or find very inexpensive ways to do them.

[Scuba]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodi My husband retired before me. He's older... but he'd always thought he'd keep working till at least 65. Instead he retired at 62. I encouraged it because he was a) at a good stopping point with his projects at work. b) could be more involved with our teenagers. c) we were very close to our "number" and I was the high wage earner. That said - I was initially resentful... even though I had encouraged him. He quickly stepped up the housework and my resentment slipped away. My advice - do not QUIT or willingly go part time if you have the option to stay full time until you have buy in from your spouse. If you are forced out of your job, or forced to part time - that's a different scenario. If you do go part time while your wife continues to work - be a good homemaker. Don't plan expensive trips without her - making that "number" that much further off... you want to be a team in reaching the FI number... And spending money on things that are solely for you is not a good way to be a team member... it appears selfish. Postpone those trips till you're both able to take them... or find very inexpensive ways to do them.

Great advice. I agree with others that it depends on the situation and individuals, but I would have been very resentful if DH had quit or even been laid off and didn't try very hard to replace his income while I was still working. As others have said, it's a lot of pressure to have 100% of the financial support responsibility, and enjoyment of a job can change quickly with a new boss, acquisition, relocation, or other unexpected changes. DH & I ER'd on the same day and that worked really well for us. YMMV

[FreeBear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodi My advice - do not QUIT or willingly go part time if you have the option to stay full time until you have buy in from your spouse. If you are forced out of your job, or forced to part time - that's a different scenario.

+1

In then end, it may be wise just to ride out your current situation until forced out. Maybe they'll throw money at you to leave... Maybe you'll survive there for years...

Management is a fickle animal, impossible to predict sometimes.