Divorce?

[EastWest Gal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator If you really need out, follow these steps. Give the kids up for adoption or foster care. Get a divorce. Move on with your life.

I hope that was sarcasm. Children are people, just like all of us on this forum. You want to screw up someone for life, abandon a child.

I'm retired, but I still have fantasies of running away. Running away from paying bills, doing tax returns, cleaning the house, etc. it doesn't end. It's just a lot less stressed.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

[JoeWras]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meadbh Raw eggs can harbor salmonella.

CYA. They pasteurize the eggs. Even flour can carry bacteria, so it is simply CYA for the packaged goods.

Live life. Save a marriage. Let them eat the packaged cookie dough!

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator If you really need out, follow these steps. Give the kids up for adoption or foster care. Get a divorce. Move on with your life.

We may need a new thread called "Hall of Fame of Worst Advice Ever"

[AllDone]

Yes, really. Seven weeks out from delivery is prime time for post-partum depression. Depression doesn't always cause crying, some people show it as anger instead. Almost all women have mildly depressed feelings just after delivery as the hormones adjust. Some women need medication -- and there's absolutely no shame in that.

Could a grandmother or aunt come help out for a few weeks (if that wouldn't make things worse?)

[FI by 2024]

Quote:

Originally Posted by utrecht Yes it caused problems with our son, but I can easily argue that the problems would've been much worse if he had grown up watching continual fighting every day of his life.

I have to chime in.

ATC, I agree with everybody that has suggested counseling and paid help and flowers/dinner. However, in the event that none of that works, please do not "stay together for the kids." I am one of those kids and it was a terrible way to grow up. Now my siblings and I are all in our 30s and we all don't really know how to have a functional relationship. Two of us are likely to never marry and another is mid-divorce. Speaking for myself, it's directly related to growing up in a house with a dysfunctional marriage and not trusting the institution. Plus I've had to watch my parents suffer needlessly for decades. It's a terrible situation to put your kids in.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

[RISP]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator Give the kids up for adoption or foster care.

You are either horrible at humour, or just a horrible person. Please stop giving advice.

[Meadbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator If you really need out, follow these steps. Give the kids up for adoption or foster care. Get a divorce. Move on with your life.

That's not funny. And I hope you are not serious.

[Dash man]

I agree that it's best to not stay together for the kids. But it's important to share time with the kids and to keep visitations as amicable as possible. Don't try to manage how the other parent will deal with the kids and their activities, but try to keep open communication and let each other know the things all parents should know, good or bad. And don't get into fights at graduations or weddings...it never ends well.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

[O2Bfree]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator Give the kids up for adoption or foster care

Not always bad advice. No doubt there are many kids who would have been better off with different parents. I'm adopted, and my life growing up was pretty darned good.

Might be a difficult change for older kids of course.

[poorcarver]

I wished every day when I was a kid that my mother would hand us over to someone, anyone. My Aunt and Uncle volunteered but no soap.

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by O2Bfree Not always bad advice. No doubt there are many kids who would have been better off with different parents. I'm adopted, and my life growing up was pretty darned good. Might be a difficult change for older kids of course.

Its not always bad advice if the parents are drug addicts or sex offenders or are incapable of being good parents but it doesnt sound like that is the case here at all.

[kneehigh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ATC Guy I want to fight for this marriage. I want my kids to have a normal life.

You described being a family of 4, but you haven't been a couple for a while. You said that "you haven't experience life without each other". That's exactly what you have been experiencing. Life apart from each other even though you're sleeping in the same bed, living in the same house and taking care of the same children. You've become strangers in your own house. You don't have the emotional and spiritual connection that you once had when it was just the two of you.

She needs your attention and she's letting you know that by complaining about your laziness which is anything but... I don't think she care that you leave the house every morning, work so hard and provide so well for your family. She doesn't care that you're helping out with chores around the house after a tiring day. She doesn't understand the enormous pressure you have at work to get it right every time because the lives of hundreds of people are hanging on your shoulders. (I've been watching too many AIR DISASTERS on YOUTUBE.) You thought that the hard work and the monetary reward that provide for your family is what she is looking for but it's the very thing that puts a wedge between you and her.

You must have had some amorous connection before the kids came into the scene. There was a time when you couldn't keep your hands off her and vice versa. There was a time when all you wanted to do was to go home early and spend time with her--whatever she wanted to do and whatever she wanted to talk about.

I'd say (like many others here in this thread) rekindle that relationship with your wife. The fact that you're having these problem is a good thing because that means your relationship still has plenty of life in it just waiting for you to fan the flame once again. That second wind can be as good if not better than the first.

So, start this weekend. Forget the gifts or time with the extended family. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Find a friend or family babysitter for the weekend and take her for a long drive and a dinner or whatever. Face to face talking. When you have a conversation, let your guard down, listen, pay attention and RESTRAIN from defending yourself. Let her get things off her chest. Most of that stuff she doesn't even mean to say anyway.

Take it from there. Tell her what you appreciate about her. When you get home, do little things for her that shows you're paying attention to her and that she's important to you.

It's going to take a while to build that relationship you once enjoyed, but it'll get there. Peel the onion layer by layer. See that spending time rebuilding your relationship with her is more important, REALLY, than what you do at work. And if you consider your work important, you're marriage needs that much more attention. FIGHT for it. It takes time to win her back, and over time, I guarantee she'll be there for you. That's what you can look forward to when you're retired.

One day, you're kids will appreciate how you endured and made your relationship work. That is not a bad legacy that you leave with your posterity.

[Senator]

Quote:

Originally Posted by EastWest Gal I hope that was sarcasm. Children are people, just like all of us on this forum. You want to screw up someone for life, abandon a child.

The kids life will be screwed up anyway you look at it. They will have step parents, or half parents. Joint custody where you live out of a suit case. Or sole custody where one parent pits itself against the other.

Living in a less-affluent neighborhood because there is less money. Going to lesser schools, Living without a father/mother figure, etc.

The list can go on forever...

It's not a guaranteed recipe for a screwed up childhood, but lack of a two parent family is a major factor in crime.

You have kids, suck it up. If you give on a mortgage, you lose the house. If you give on a marriage, you should lose the kids.

[samclem]

Unrelated question: Is there a way to give an "unThanks" that physically stinks when it is opened?

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator The kids life will be screwed up anyway you look at it. They will have step parents, or half parents. Joint custody where you live out of a suit case. Or sole custody where one parent pits itself against the other. Living in a less-affluent neighborhood because there is less money. Going to lesser schools, Living without a father/mother figure, etc. The list can go on forever... It's not a guaranteed recipe for a screwed up childhood, but lack of a two parent family is a major factor in crime. You have kids, suck it up. If you give on a mortgage, you lose the house. If you give on a marriage, you should lose the kids.

Uhh, I can't decide if I should ignore you or take you on, in the spirit of Christmas I think I'll choose ignore.Happy Holidays from a child of a unhappy, divorced home who doesn't consider herself screwed up or a criminal. I found out my parents were regular people who loved their children and did the best they could.

[utrecht]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator The kids life will be screwed up anyway you look at it. They will have step parents, or half parents. Joint custody where you live out of a suit case. Or sole custody where one parent pits itself against the other. Living in a less-affluent neighborhood because there is less money. Going to lesser schools, Living without a father/mother figure, etc. The list can go on forever... It's not a guaranteed recipe for a screwed up childhood, but lack of a two parent family is a major factor in crime. You have kids, suck it up. If you give on a mortgage, you lose the house. If you give on a marriage, you should lose the kids.

Im glad that you arent a family court judge because based on the number of divorces, we would have tens of millions of kids living in orphanages if you had your way.

Living in a less affluent neighborhood is better for a kid than seeing his parents fight every day of his life. More than half of every person in the US has divorced parents. I guess more than half of the US is screwed up?

[HFWR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan I found out my parents were regular people...

Worth repeating...

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator The kids life will be screwed up anyway you look at it. They will have step parents, or half parents. Joint custody where you live out of a suit case. Or sole custody where one parent pits itself against the other. Living in a less-affluent neighborhood because there is less money. Going to lesser schools, Living without a father/mother figure, etc.

While I still agree that the OP and his wife should see if they can work through this stress together, and in his case divorce would be an economic mess- I divorced an abusive husband. I got no child support. He refused to consider any settlement that included it and I knew better than to give up real money up front in exchange for a promise of future payments from him. DS and I moved to a smaller house in the same town- with a pool. DS got to Bermuda, went to a private boarding school for HS, and also got to Australia, Spain and Italy before he got out of college (with zero student loan debt). I remarried, to a man who's been a fantastic stepfather. DS is now happily married and a good husband and father. Divorce isn't always the doom and gloom you describe.

Rant over.

[aja8888]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Senator Living in a less-affluent neighborhood because there is less money. Going to lesser schools.........etc

I believe the above fits everyone in my family and extended family to a tee, but we are all doing OK and getting along quite nicely, thank you! Oh, and there have been a few divorces in he mix to muddle through also.

[Senator]

The OP was married 6 years. And had two kids. Marriage is not something to jump in and out of.

I too, came from a single parent household. I had step brothers and sisters, step mothers and step dads. Moved from place to place on a whim. I went to 7 different schools between K-12. Our refrigerator was a Coleman cooler, and needed ice every few days. Mattresses were on the floor. The kitchen table was a picnic table with a sheet on it.

Kids can handle divorce and all the other obstacles thrown their way, but it makes life more difficult for them. If anyone thinks that kids from a single parent household have as much of a chance to succeed as a kid from a stable household, they are dreaming.

It's too easy to fall in with the wrong crowd, or get sidetracked. A single parent has enough to do putting food on the table, and does not provide the same level of parental guidance as a two parent household. It's near impossible.

Why not just either skip marriage and kids altogether, or make a commitment? Give up the kids to the grandparents and they can at least collect a check for foster care and raise them.