Everyday memos
- Thread starter moghopper
- Start date
riskadverse
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Messages
- 717
Reading that sent chills up my spine - it transported me back into the work world. It's uncanny how close gibberish is to the real thing. (and more to the point the reverse).
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
D
davidmull
Guest
Re: Everyday memos (here's one to confirm your next lunch date)
Okay, this is excessive, but it's on-topic. I drafted this fun little memo one day (yes, on company time) to confirm lunch plans with a friend. That's all this mumbo-jumbo does: it confirms lunch plans.
This correspondence is intended to serve the purpose of being the final, complete, and comprehensive memorialization ("Memorialization") of the negotiated verbal agreement (the "Agreement") that has heretofore been reached by the self-represented parties hereinabove referenced (to-wit, one [INSERT NAME] (the "Party of the First Part") and one [INSERT NAME] (the "Party of the Second Part") (collectively, the "Parties") regarding the nutritional sustenance action plan (the "Plan"). Pursuant to the Agreement, for which no consideration was requested or tendered by either the Party of the First Part or the Party of the Second Part, and during the negotiation time period of which both Parties were accorded full and fair opportunity to express points of predilection, predisposition, or, if applicable, disquietude or preposession regarding the aforementioned Plan, the Party of the First Part and the Party of the Second Part have both, after independent evaluation and analysis of pertinent mission-critical data, arrived at an amicable understanding regarding the logistical specifications and circumstantialities (viz., time, geographical location, and routes of perambulation thereto (though this listing is not to intended by the drafter of this Memorialization to be taken as an all-inclusive listing thereof)) appertaining to the Parties' intended implementation of said Plan. Exact specification of such specifications and circumstantialities being unnecessary for the limited purpose of this Memorialization of said Plan, and gratuitous or supererogatory verbosity being an attribute implicitly, if not explicitly, recognized by both Parties as being mutually deleterious for certain reasons which may, at the discretion of either one or both but not neither of the Parties, be more fully outlined at an as-yet-to-be-determined future point in the extant time continuum, logistical specifications and circumstantialities are not to be herein described. As a surrogate for description herein of said logistical specifications and circumstantialities, the previously-described Agreement is to be accorded its full due. Given the undisputed nature of the incontrovertible fact that successful Plan implementation is inextricably intertwined with mutual good faith efforts to ensure Plan implementation occurs in an orderly manner and according to already agreed-upon logistical specifications and circumstantialities, the Party of the First Part, as drafter of this Memorandum, hereby formally declares both of the following: (1) self-intention to ensure that future functioning by the Party of the First Part is in complete accordance, to no more than the extent possible, with the previously referenced (though not specifically herein-described) logistical specifications and circumstantialities, and, in addition, (2) solemn desire that the Party of the Second Part intends likewise to ensure that future functioning by the Party of the Second Part is similarly in accordance with those Plan-related logistical specifications and circumstantialities which were fully verbally and orally manifested by the Agreement.
Okay, this is excessive, but it's on-topic. I drafted this fun little memo one day (yes, on company time) to confirm lunch plans with a friend. That's all this mumbo-jumbo does: it confirms lunch plans.
This correspondence is intended to serve the purpose of being the final, complete, and comprehensive memorialization ("Memorialization") of the negotiated verbal agreement (the "Agreement") that has heretofore been reached by the self-represented parties hereinabove referenced (to-wit, one [INSERT NAME] (the "Party of the First Part") and one [INSERT NAME] (the "Party of the Second Part") (collectively, the "Parties") regarding the nutritional sustenance action plan (the "Plan"). Pursuant to the Agreement, for which no consideration was requested or tendered by either the Party of the First Part or the Party of the Second Part, and during the negotiation time period of which both Parties were accorded full and fair opportunity to express points of predilection, predisposition, or, if applicable, disquietude or preposession regarding the aforementioned Plan, the Party of the First Part and the Party of the Second Part have both, after independent evaluation and analysis of pertinent mission-critical data, arrived at an amicable understanding regarding the logistical specifications and circumstantialities (viz., time, geographical location, and routes of perambulation thereto (though this listing is not to intended by the drafter of this Memorialization to be taken as an all-inclusive listing thereof)) appertaining to the Parties' intended implementation of said Plan. Exact specification of such specifications and circumstantialities being unnecessary for the limited purpose of this Memorialization of said Plan, and gratuitous or supererogatory verbosity being an attribute implicitly, if not explicitly, recognized by both Parties as being mutually deleterious for certain reasons which may, at the discretion of either one or both but not neither of the Parties, be more fully outlined at an as-yet-to-be-determined future point in the extant time continuum, logistical specifications and circumstantialities are not to be herein described. As a surrogate for description herein of said logistical specifications and circumstantialities, the previously-described Agreement is to be accorded its full due. Given the undisputed nature of the incontrovertible fact that successful Plan implementation is inextricably intertwined with mutual good faith efforts to ensure Plan implementation occurs in an orderly manner and according to already agreed-upon logistical specifications and circumstantialities, the Party of the First Part, as drafter of this Memorandum, hereby formally declares both of the following: (1) self-intention to ensure that future functioning by the Party of the First Part is in complete accordance, to no more than the extent possible, with the previously referenced (though not specifically herein-described) logistical specifications and circumstantialities, and, in addition, (2) solemn desire that the Party of the Second Part intends likewise to ensure that future functioning by the Party of the Second Part is similarly in accordance with those Plan-related logistical specifications and circumstantialities which were fully verbally and orally manifested by the Agreement.
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Bah...my standard disclaimer is longer than that 
Great effort, SLC Tortfeasor! However, I think the paper I've just been asked to "look over for errors" may give you a run for your money... not because it's longer or better, but because it's REAL! Somebody actually believes that this dreck is appropriate for client consumption.
Aiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!
If anyone can figure out what the heck he's selling and wants to buy one of these wonders, send me a note and I'll fix you right up!
Caroline
Aiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!
If anyone can figure out what the heck he's selling and wants to buy one of these wonders, send me a note and I'll fix you right up!
Caroline
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
If there isnt anything about badgers in it, its not worth squat!
D
davidmull
Guest
Caroline said:Great effort, SLC Tortfeasor! However, I think the paper I've just been asked to "look over for errors" may give you a run for your money... not because it's longer or better, but because it's REAL! Somebody actually believes that this dreck is appropriate for client consumption.
Aiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!
If anyone can figure out what the heck he's selling and wants to buy one of these wonders, send me a note and I'll fix you right up!
Caroline
Oh my oh my... You're right. That is so very disturbing.
Just for fun, here's another Dilbertesque anecdote, as told to me by my sister:
My sister was doing consulting work for a major government agency (think really major) a couple years ago. At a big meeting of all the decision makers, she presented her proposal to reduce costs at the agency by consolidating all computer purchases, rather than having a bunch of different departments order their computers separately. Everyone agreed that they should implement the proposed policy.
So at the end of the meeting my sister said, "okay, great. I'll draft a memo summarizing our conclusions and outlining our plan for consolidating computer purchases." Everybody started to laugh. My sister couldn't understand what they all thought was so funny, and finally someone explained that you can't simply write a memo and implement a new policy. First you have to write a memo about the memo you intend to write. That's right: you have to write a memo about a potential future memo.
I'm surprised they went into that meeting without a pre-meeting to conceptualize agenda items for the warm-up to the meeting.SLC Tortfeasor said:
I used to have people come into my office to ask if they could submit a special request. Of course my answer to that type of question was always "Disapproved", followed by telling them that they could always submit their written request (for a special request) further up the chain of command for final review by the CO.
Those types of people usually transferred before their tour was up...
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
At least six weeks of meeting individually with the 'key players' to grease the skids.
Four studies to produce results to overcome expected objections to the new plan.
Three weeks of damage control because you forgot to meet with or didnt know someone thought they were a stakeholder and you didnt meet with them.
A month of unproductive meetings because someone else had the idea once but was ineffective in fleshing it out and selling it to management, but now that you've done it, they want to take the program over.
Two weeks redoing a study because someone who didnt want your program to succeed sabotaged the key study.
Then you can write a memo, invite 40 people who are (or think they are) stakeholders. Then you can write a memo summarizing the results of the complete meltdown that happened when the guy who thinks you hijacked his idea disrupts and fillibusters your meeting.
Four studies to produce results to overcome expected objections to the new plan.
Three weeks of damage control because you forgot to meet with or didnt know someone thought they were a stakeholder and you didnt meet with them.
A month of unproductive meetings because someone else had the idea once but was ineffective in fleshing it out and selling it to management, but now that you've done it, they want to take the program over.
Two weeks redoing a study because someone who didnt want your program to succeed sabotaged the key study.
Then you can write a memo, invite 40 people who are (or think they are) stakeholders. Then you can write a memo summarizing the results of the complete meltdown that happened when the guy who thinks you hijacked his idea disrupts and fillibusters your meeting.
cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I think I'm going to hold a meeting later today with the dogs and cats to try to determine if theres a more effective way to feed them, and also to make one particular dog aware of the fact that I KNOW he's eating the cat food in the middle of the night...
