How much for daughter's wedding

[crispus]

I told my wife that my daughter hung up on me and she was livid. She now believes that my daughter's recent attempts at coming together as a family were only a rouse to get money.

We did not like her fiancee being so much older then her especially with his 3 children. My daughter Jenna always wanted her own children and her fiancee has had a vasectomy. Now she says she doesn't want her own kids. My wife had no children and now looks back in regret. We don't want this for Jenna.

Al, we are also celebrating our last college payment to my son this January.

 

[growing_older]

I also don't know if most guys are willing to shell out $$ for their own marriage, especially a second marriage.

I think there are plenty of guys who have paid for their own wedding. I did (or rather as a couple, we did). Quite a few have spoken up here to note that they did as well. If a couple is starting with nothing then there seems some reason for the tradition of parents paying for the wedding, however in those cases the parents are also a huge, if not controlling, part of the planning for that wedding. The idea that daughter plans her "dream day" wedding and presents bill to parents is no part of any tradition I know of.

I'd also suggest in this case if daughter wants a "dream day' wedding, then the BEST person to pay for such a wish is future hubby. If that's something his very much younger (I think 15 years is huge) wife wants and he appears okay with her being as spoild as she sounds from the phone, then it shoud be his (theirs) affair.

I'm sorry about the entitlement and hang up phone call. That speaks a great deal to being immature and not really ready for a marriage. With that and the mysterious turn around on plans for kids, this sounds like other problems brewing. That biological clock still has time to tick. Why the sudden need to marry if they're already living together? Has this been planned for a while? How much input are you getting into planning, esp if you are expected to foot the bill?

 

[samclem]

I told my wife that my daughter hung up on me and she was livid. She now believes that my daughter's recent attempts at coming together as a family were only a rouse to get money.

We did not like her fiancee being so much older then her especially with his 3 children. My daughter Jenna always wanted her own children and her fiancee has had a vasectomy. Now she says she doesn't want her own kids. My wife had no children and now looks back in regret. We don't want this for Jenna.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just a dispute/disagreement over the size/cost of the wedding ceremony and who will pay for it.

You may not like the guy or the situation that she'll be in after marrying, but that's a whole different issue than the one-day wedding party. As you surely realize, at this point in her life you've got zero control and darn little input on her actions. The best you can do is to let her know your concerns (in a subtle way) and then provide emotional support to her and to this new couple's marriage even if she makes a decision you disagree with. Any "I told you so" moments later will be very counterproductive and totally unnecessary (she'll certainly remember where you stood before the marriage, and will appreciate your suppport afterward even more because you put those feelings aside). Unfortunately, with the hurt feelings (both ways) about the wedding funding, it will not be possible to have this discussion about her marriage without her believing that the two issues are related.

 

[Midpack]

I'd stick with nothing for the wedding and $2,500 as a wedding gift presented at the reception. The 40 year old husband should pay for this - period. And if after some time has passed, your daughter and SIL can't respect your decision and mend fences, it won't be because of your refusal to fund their wedding. Very unfortunate, but you should not cave IMO...the wedding gift is generous under the circumstances.

 

[bbbamI]

I hope things work out well between you and your daughter crispus.

...people have told me all my life I was/am wrong for not having children. I believe I made the right decision...I don't have the energy for it.

 

[haha]

Much as we hate to admit it, and try to rise above it, money = love in many families.

Not in my family. I think when love does seem to equal money, the parent had better get busy undoing that sad situation.

When money equals love, it is because money manipulations are comfortabe to the parent.

Dole out some money from time to time and keep the young-uns dependent and thus controllable. A big mistake IMO. And I do have grown children.

Ha

 

[Frugality_of_Apathy]

It's not the age difference so much as the relative age difference. If she was 40 and he was 55 people wouldn't have a problem and 30-45 might make some uncomfortable but nobody would say anything. If he was 25 and she was 10 there would definitely be some harumphs from the judge as he got sent to prison.

Anything more than 25% age difference usually means someone is being manipulated or it's some form of rebellion. I can guarantee 10-15 year old kids aren't going to respect a 25 year old stepmother's authority.

 

[TromboneAl]

I would give more for a wedding if I didn't have to be involved in any of the planning.

 

[Meadbh]

There's a scene in the Sopranos where Mrs. Soprano is recording what she sent someone as a wedding gift--she keeps a checklist so she can cross-check gifts her kids would receive when they get married so she can be sure no one stiffs them. And I believe the gift is supposed to cover "the plate" at the reception--the cost of the meal.

Well, the consequences of stiffing someone in the Soprano family could be fatal!

 

[bubba]

It's not the age difference so much as the relative age difference. If she was 40 and he was 55 people wouldn't have a problem and 30-45 might make some uncomfortable but nobody would say anything. If he was 25 and she was 10 there would definitely be some harumphs from the judge as he got sent to prison.

Anything more than 25% age difference usually means someone is being manipulated or it's some form of rebellion. I can guarantee 10-15 year old kids aren't going to respect a 25 year old stepmother's authority.

That pretty much sums up my feelings on the age difference. I'm so sorry that she hung up on you. Like your wife, I'd be jumping up and down now. It's tricky - if you up the gift to the $5K your wife suggested, it will look like daughter's hissy fit worked, hence inviting more in the future. Have you heard from your daugher since the hang up? I'd probably stick with my original plan. It doesn't cost that much to get married. We were married in the courthouse on a rainy day because husband-to-be couldn't work in the rain. We had no rings (no money) and went to the movies afterwards for a wedding trip. That was a long time ago and I can't remember what we paid the jp or what the movie tickets cost, but it wasn't $15K. Whatever you decide to do here, don't get stars in your eyes about this kid. Hanging up on you like that speaks volumes.

 

[crispus]

Have you heard from your daugher since the hang up?

My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.

 

[Midpack]

My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.

Again I'd stick with your original instincts, $2,500 as a wedding gift.

Giving more is not going to change the relationship - you can only change the dynamic through your actions, not money, and her meeting you halfway. That's worthwhile, forget about the money...

 

[Brat]

You offered $2,500 for the wedding, she acted like a jerk. I think you should send her a letter that talks about the current economy, extend your best wishes and include the contribution you offered.

As a wedding gift send her a couple books on money management.

After she is married for 10 years, and if your finances permit, you can consider sending her a nice anniversary gift.

My take: if this marriage lasts thank your lucky stars. Her Mother hasn't done a good job preparing her for the real world.

Weddings can be expensive. My husband and I told our kids what we could contribute and they managed the event from there.

 

[Martha]

Awkward all around. My parents were gone so no contribution to any wedding for me. My husband's parents threw in $500. We went and saw a judge and drove to Thunder Bay Ontario for Vietnamese food and an overnight.

I suggest sitting down with your daughter and having a heart to heart about marriage, expectations, the fallen stock market, love and worries.

And then decide on what you want to give her.

 

[Texarkandy]

You offered $2,500 for the wedding, she acted like a jerk. I think you should send her a letter that talks about the current economy, extend your best wishes and include the contribution you offered.

As a wedding gift send her a couple books on money management.

After she is married for 10 years, and if your finances permit, you can consider sending her a nice anniversary gift.

My take: if this marriage lasts thank your lucky stars. Her Mother hasn't done a good job preparing her for the real world.

Weddings can be expensive. My husband and I told our kids what we could contribute and they managed the event from there.

This sounds like the best idea to me - except I wouldn't send a letter "about the current economy". I'd save the letter part for telling her how much you love her, are proud of her, & wishing them well.

Maybe include along with the books a few recent news clippings on recent mortgage foreclosures & people losing half their life savings in their 401k's.

 

[Brat]

This sounds like the best idea to me - except I wouldn't send a letter "about the current economy". I'd save the letter part for telling her how much you love her, are proud of her, & wishing them well.

Maybe include along with the books a few recent news clippings on recent mortgage foreclosures & people losing half their life savings in their 401k's.the economy with the books on money management.

I like your version better.

It is important to manage relationships with the long term impact in mind.

 

[shoe]

Crispus, IMHO her 40 year old husband should be ashamed to do anything but pay for the whole kit and kaboodle himself. DH and I have been married for 34 years and we paid for the whole thing. The $700 got us stuffed cabbage, oven-fried chicken, sauerkraut and kielbasa and a big pan of mashed potatoes all homemade by relatives and served in the Whitney Towers apartment complex party room. The tables came from the high school cafeteria where my husband worked, complete with profanities scratched into the tops. We played records and had a ball. Then there is my friend who wanted so badly to fulfill her daughter's wish for a fairytale wedding that she took out a HELOC for $35,000. The dream marriage lasted exactly 15 months. It might be just me but I think the amount of money spent on weddings is obscene. Don't give one dime more than you are comfortable with.

 

[haha]

Crispus, IMHO her 40 year old husband should be ashamed to do anything but pay for the whole kit and kaboodle himself.

What I can't figure, what does a 25 year old woman want with a 40 year old guy with 3 kids who can't even step up and pay for the wedding?

At 25 she is on top of her game. Why not play it while longer?

 

[Khan]

Awkward all around. My parents were gone so no contribution to any wedding for me. My husband's parents threw in $500. We went and saw a judge and drove to Thunder Bay Ontario for Vietnamese food and an overnight.

I suggest sitting down with your daughter and having a heart to heart about marriage, expectations, the fallen stock market, love and worries.

And then decide on what you want to give her.

It never occurred to me that my parents should pay anything towards my wedding. Mother did send both of us t-shirts from the Pink Pony Pub.

 

[Leonidas]

What I can't figure, what does a 25 year old woman want with a 40 year old guy with 3 kids who can't even step up and pay for the wedding?

DING! DING! DING!

That is the $64,000 question!

Count me in the camp wondering what self-respecting 40 year old man - making $100k a year - would go along with his future wife pulling this on her folks.

 

[Brat]

"Traditionally" the bride's family pays for the wedding, the husband's pays for the rehearsal dinner, the husband for the honeymoon.

"Traditionally" the bride does not live with her future husband before the wedding.

Tradition does not seem to be applicable here. What is relevant is a long term relationship with the daughter.

Wedding custom depends on the family's culture. In Norway, my grandfather's era, a wedding was a religious ceremony followed by a community pot-luck - often the bride was pregnant because reproduction was a basic requirement for a family. Husband and I had an Anglican church wedding with a light buffet at the Garden Club. My daughter married into a family of Portuguese background... church wedding with a full-meal-deal at a four-star hotel. In no case did anyone co-habit prior to marriage. Different traditions.

OP should reflect on the wedding he and the bride's mother had many years ago.

 

[Nords]

OP should reflect on the wedding he and the bride's mother had many years ago.

Give the guy a break; he's miserable enough already...

 

[Brat]

That thought occured to me too. Weddings bring out the bridezilla in many a gal. He may regret this relationship. Breaking marriage plans are difficult and complicating this is the fact that both their names are on a mortgage (I presume).

 

[FinanceDude]

My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.

I think you can assume there is a lot going on behind the scenes. Is any of your daughter's "hissiness" coming from her fiance's coaching? 40 year old mean with kids aren't starry-eyed kids. They KNOW what's going on.

More likely your daughter has bought into the whole "bride is a princess" thing, so she wants to spend big moolah because its her "big day".

DW and I paid for our whole wedding ourselves, because her dad was on Medicaid and my parents gave gave us $250 (huge amount, if you knew my parents). I think out total wedding cost was around $10,000..........

 

[freebird5825]

My wife reminded me today that we once went about a year without any contact from my daughter. Typically, I can go for weeks leaving voice mails with no reply. I asked her what was the reason that time, we both couldn't remember.

Case closed, gavel raps. Next case?

Seriously, this whole thing smacks of love = money.

I think your offer of $2500 is extremely generous. Given by YOUR choice and as an independent gift, you will not be sucked into paying for more of the inevitable runaway wedding and reception costs. I'm a woman BTW and I am appalled at the hangup, ongoing "it's not enough" and "gimme" tactics.