Need tips for training my spouse.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by azanon So.... anyway, this is something we'll be working on.

I don't remember if you have kids. If not, maybe best to take the hit now, and go on your way. There may be an oil shortage, but I haven't heard of an imminent woman shortage.

Or maybe just relax and go with the flow. As someone said earlier in this thread, usually trying to change people-- especially a wife or husband-- is a fool’s errand. It probably won't work. It annoys the object of your persuasions. And it wastes your finite energy and resources.

Ha

[wabmester]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HaHa It probably won't work. It annoys the object of your persuasions. And it wastes your finite energy and resources.

Listen to the Tao of Ha.

Trying to teach a pig to sing
Will not only be a waste of your time
But it will also annoy the pig

[bpp]

Quote:

Listen to the Tao of Ha.

No, don't!

Here are a couple more "training" tips which my wife has used on me with effect.

1) She always clears with me any purchase over about $20, even for obviously
necessary stuff like haircuts and new shoes to replace worn-out ones (she's no
Imelda Marcos). I used to think she was being silly to ask permission to spend
on necessities, but eventually caught on and got into the habit of clearing with
her anything more expensive than daily pocket money amounts. You could try
starting to clear all purchases with your wife, and see if she gets the hint. (But
warning -- if she is as dense as I am, it could take a lot of patience for this
approach to work.) Maybe for starters, you can start with only relatively big-ticket
items, over $50-$100 or so, and gradually work your way down if/as needed.

2) When I bought groceries, she would check over the contents and point out
when there were some easy big savings to be had by buying one item
rather than another. This was more annoying for me to put up with, but
after a while I did get into the habit of always looking for whatever is cheapest
or on sale, and now get to enjoy having more money in my pocket after I leave
the cash register and less "re-education" when unpacking the bags at home.

Don't give up yet. Old dogs may be slow, but we can learn new tricks.

Bpp

[maddythebeagle]

It appears that the truth is somewhere in between. She probably doesnt view you as her "sugar daddy" with limitless purse strings (since there are probably more upscale places to eat than Subway) and you aren’t the megalomaniac that you appear who would just send her to the grocery store to get "the good cheese" knowing full well that this is a vague task and can only be assumed that you meant "the good cheese".

[MRGALT2U]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpp No, don't! Here are a couple more "training" tips which my wife has used on me with effect. 1) She always clears with me any purchase over about $20, even for obviously necessary stuff like haircuts and new shoes to replace worn-out ones (she's no Imelda Marcos).* I used to think she was being silly to ask permission to spend on necessities, but eventually caught on and got into the habit of clearing with her anything more expensive than daily pocket money amounts.* You could try starting to clear all purchases with your wife, and see if she gets the hint.* (But warning -- if she is as dense as I am, it could take a lot of patience for this approach to work.)* Maybe for starters, you can start with only relatively big-ticket items, over $50-$100 or so, and gradually work your way down if/as needed. 2) When I bought groceries, she would check over the contents and point out when there were some easy big savings to be had by buying one item rather than another.* This was more annoying for me to put up with, but after a while I did get into the habit of always looking for whatever is cheapest or on sale, and now get to enjoy having more money in my pocket after I leave the cash register and less "re-education" when unpacking the bags at home. Don't give up yet.* Old dogs may be slow, but we can learn new tricks. Bpp

Whatever works. In our case, her money and my money.
Her responsibilities and mine. She pays her stuff
and I pay my stuff and neither offers the other any
advice whatsoever (I have a lot to offer. In our case
it's better just to keep my mouth shut, so I do).

JG

[MooreBonds]

I was somewhat surprised at azanon's situation, and it prompted me to raise a question:

How many of you actually sat down with your significant other BEFORE saying "I do" and went over budgets, financials, debts, assets, financial goals, retirement dreams, etc.?

I realize that I'm the consummate planner and often take things to the extreme, but surely most of the fiscal wizards of this forum had the foresight to discuss what a hypothetical budget, spending habits, debts, etc. would be like in the long-run?

I keep wanting to bring it up with women that I'm considering 'steady' relationships with, much less women that I'm engaged to, and I find it frightening enough at times when I discover what their financial habits and attitudes are like.

--Peter

[sgeeeee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peter76 I was somewhat surprised at azanon's situation, and it prompted me to raise a question: How many of you actually sat down with your significant other BEFORE saying "I do" and went over budgets, financials, debts, assets, financial goals, retirement dreams, etc.? . . .

Not me. I met my DW while we were both working in a dishroom. Our wedding cost $25 and I had to hitchhike 180 miles to get a day job putting up hay in order to pay for it. For the honeymoon we hitchhicked across the country (Illinois to the West coast) and back. We started with less than $10, did odd jobs along the way, and came back with over $30. That was 1975. But we never discussed financial views at all.

[flipstress]

Quote:

Originally Posted by wabmester Trying to teach a pig to sing Will not only be a waste of your time But it will also annoy the pig

LOL!
Years and years ago, someone gave me a card with these lines, and I didn't get it.* It's funny now!

And wise, very wise.* Annoyed pigs could mean danger.

[azanon]

Quote:

I was somewhat surprised at azanon's situation, and it prompted me to raise a question: How many of you actually sat down with your significant other BEFORE saying "I do" and went over budgets, financials, debts, assets, financial goals, retirement dreams, etc.? I realize that I'm the consummate planner and often take things to the extreme, but surely most of the fiscal wizards of this forum had the foresight to discuss what a hypothetical budget, spending habits, debts, etc. would be like in the long-run?

I got married when i was 20 as a college student and she had just turned 19 (also in college).* *There was no unplanned pregnancy involved; she was just the hottest little thing on campus and she actually said yes when i asked her out.* * Since i figured i was on a roll, i just (later) asked her to marry me too.

The only thing i was thinking about was how much sex i would get every night.

Any other questions?* *

[justin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddythebeagle It appears that the truth is somewhere in between. She probably doesnt view you as her "sugar daddy" with limitless purse strings (since there are probably more upscale places to eat than Subway) and you aren’t the megalomaniac that you appear who would just send her to the grocery store to get "the good cheese" knowing full well that this is a vague task and can only be assumed that you meant "the good cheese".

Some people think that a pricetag indicates the value or quality of something. Your wife probably thought you meant the good cheese (with the high price, because high price indicates high quality). It is necessary to disassociate the price of an item from the quality of an item. Then compare the price of an item TO the quality of an item to make an informed purchasing decision.

[azanon]

LOL - no i clarified when she was leaving to the grocery store, that i meant dont get the singles this time, get some of the "good" cheese at the deli counter.

[bow-tie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peter76 ..How many of you actually sat down with your significant other BEFORE saying "I do" and went over budgets, financials, debts, assets, financial goals, retirement dreams, etc.?.. --Peter

I did.* Well, for the most part anyway.* We would talk about spending, goals, and whatnot.* But we also dated for quite a while (yearssss) before marriage, so we were pretty familiar with each other's philosophies, etc.

That being said, and since I'm a guy, I can't really fault Azanon's logic for marriage either.*

[WanderALot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peter76 How many of you actually sat down with your significant other BEFORE saying "I do" and went over budgets, financials, debts, assets, financial goals, retirement dreams, etc.?

She had a little bit of debt and I talked to her about it. She had every dime of it paid off except for a little bit of student loan debt which was very cheap.

She does spend more than me but she has changed a lot since we first started dating. I really think that this was a case of meeting in the middle. I tend to be a little bit of a cheapskate and she was too much of a spendthrift.

BTW, Azanon, my wife buys $10/lb cheese. I used to complain about it, but then I realize I loved the stuff so I stopped!

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by WanderALot BTW, Azanon,* my wife buys $10/lb cheese.* I used to complain about it, but then I realize I loved the stuff so I stopped! *

That is how I see it too. When I had a live-in wife, she did most of our cooking. If I complained, she said "Old Texas Rule, whoever complains to the cook becomes the cook.' So I shut up. I hated her stir fry technique, so I would volunteer to cook that. She didn't like my technique either, but she did enjoy having someone else do the work.

Same with shopping. If you don't like what she buys, go get a months supply of whatever you like. If she doesn't like this, negotiations will take place.

haha

[Danny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HaHa ...she did most of our cooking. If I complained, she said "Old Texas Rule, whoever complains to the cook becomes the cook.' So I shut up. haha

Reminds me of an old Utah Phillips story...Moose Turd Pie....it's good though...

[azanon]

Quote:

That is how I see it too. When I had a live-in wife, she did most of our cooking. If I complained, she said "Old Texas Rule, whoever complains to the cook becomes the cook.' So I shut up. I hated her stir fry technique, so I would volunteer to cook that. She didn't like my technique either, but she did enjoy having someone else do the work.

I think you're right on this and this goes for a lot of the things she does. If i keep complaining, i might end up with extra jobs.

I do have one upper hand so far; that is that my savings method has been paying ourselves upfront creating an "artifical shortage" of money. Even she, at some point, has to look at the checkbook and can see that the money just isnt there so that does slow down her spending some. As long as she doesnt bounce a check (which is unlikely since i pay bills online and schedule the transations to occur the day they're due, despite entering the transations immediately in the checkbook), then i'll continue to save what i want and we'll make progress.

Eventually, she might revolt though against me and get tired of us being out of money all the time and might want to renegotiate how much i'm taking out upfront.

I did the grocery run last night. As usual, I came home with about the same amount of food, only difference being the receipt showed $40 dollars less in cost.

[chris2008]

This one might be good reading for you:
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/...ey/P68955.asp:
" 9 ways to rein in a spendthrift spouse -
Nothing complicates money like love. You can change your free-spending partner's ways -- and do it without landing in a lawyer's office."
Good luck!

[SteveR]

Took the wife to the hospital yesterday for a procedure that took a couple of hours. In the waiting room was a TV with the Dr. Phil program. OK, I know, I don't ever watch that stuff but all the good magazines were in use or I had already read so I think...so what.. see what the guy has to say.

Well, the topic was "Compulsive Hoarding". There were three couples on the show and they filmed (taped) each of them at home with their various hoarding issues.

Couple #1:
The guy collects and hoards GI Joe, Star Wars etc. figures, equipment and video games (over 3000 of them) . He has a whole room dedicated to this . He spends 5-6 hours a night on Ebay searching for this stuff and several hundred bucks a night supporting his habit. The wife is about to leave him. He is addicted to hoarding. Dr. Phil tells them that he is wasting all this money and time on his habit when savings for college and retirement are not being considered. He is very sorry and promises to do better.

Couple #2:
Wife has a major spending/hoarding issue. The house if stuffed full. I mean you cannot even walk throgh it. The 3 car garage is stuffed and no cars will fit. She says she resents her husband making her account for every dime. (She does not work and he now has three jobs to be able to make only the minimums the credit cards. She does not seem to see she is killing the marriage and her comments about doing better end with "But, I want money of my own that he does not know about..." Glad she is not my wife. Been there, done that, have the scars to show it.

Couple #3:
This one is not really about hoarding but about one spouse being a clean freak (husband) and the wife being a pack rat and slob. I give the marrage 6 months. These two are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Been there, done that too. Compromise is the key to survival.

In the end... all couples will go to a shrink and they will make it all better. :

There people will never ER nor will they ever be FI. Unless they have a major personality transplant the marriges will me a nightmare and will most likely fail.

Give your frugal, budget-minded, financially savy, loving spouse (or SO) a great big hug.

[JonnyM]

Just an observation Azanon, but you seemed a bit preoccupied with the cost of food. As my late brother often commented, "Ya gotta eat". The fact that "you" can shop at the same grocery and spend less dollars just shouldn't be nearly as important as you make it seem.

The concept of you freaking out over some cheese that was in your DW's eyes "high quality" and what you asked for, by ranting that is was "too good" , i.e. too expensive like she should know your exact threshold for what good cheese should cost does IMHO express some eccentricity on your part. Cut the woman a break, assuming the cheese was tasty...

Ask yourself, was there something wrong with the food she brought home last grocery visit? Or just that you are certain you can always buy the exact same food for somehow less dollars?

Ultimately you are on the path to enlightenment by your own description. You pay yourself first.

Why sweat the small stuff?

[Jarhead*]

My wife and I have a system we've followed for all the years we've been married.

She does all the shopping, and all the cooking.

I rarely fail to compliment her on her efforts.

In turn, she never complains about the amount of golfing, or fly-fishing I do.

We're actually specialists.