Now what?

[ER Man]

It does not matter how much you make. You can retire early and reach your goals regardless.

I would not compare yourself to anyone because they are not you. Each individual has unique issues.

On top of this, its not how much you make, its how much you keep and that is a financial freedom and security.

You can still have fun and go to vacations. Set a goal for that too. Frugal vacations, etc.

Your b/f's financial issues is NOT yours. Although, you are concerned and can help him out.

I’ve got my 6-month emergency fund, my complete next-car fund, no debt, and 15% going into the 401k. The map for that part of the journey was pretty clear. I’m feeling a little adrift now. Keep saving, yes, but how do you maintain focus when the goal is 20 years away? What are the milestones along the way?


Practically, I need to learn more about investing, but it feels way more intimidating to invest outside a retirement account. I’ll need a house at some point, but I have no interest in being tied down to one any time soon. I don’t want to lock all of my resources in retirement accounts because I’ll need some of it before then, but what proportion?


Emotionally, I’m starting to feel guilty because many of my friends are struggling financially and I’m not – but they make more money than I do! I am fiercely proud of what I’ve accomplished, but uncomfortable talking about it. I’m frustrated because I want to go on fun vacations, but my boyfriend is locked into an underwater mortgage and 25k in consumer debt and can’t afford it.

 

[MooreBonds]

It actually can work just fine even if you're financially incompatible. My bf and I have been together over 20 years, we own our home together, and have completely different approaches to finances (if you can call his an approach...

It's great that your relationship has a good understanding and respect for one another.

HOWEVER - realize that there's a difference between "not having the same approach to money" and "beginnings of a fiscal trainwreck"

CTOAUN's BF, while having a different approach to money, is at least considerate enough and caring to respect the other's approach to finances, and is willing to meet at a common ground that is not a fiscal disaster, yet allows the BF to live his life with his view of finances.

On the other hand, Fireandearth's BF already has worked up 25k in consumer debt and is underwater on his mortgage. Anyone can always 'see the light' and get their fiscal house in order...but from the anecdotal stories she has provided, it sounds like there is a pretty big gap in their outlook and views with day-to-day things. As an example, rather than meet halfway on the vacation issue (camping and maybe going out to a restaurant 2 or 3 nights, or splurging on a rental with eating at home most nights), he insists on his high lifestyle despite his significant debt. Seems to indicate he doesn't care one iota about it, and I doubt he has any sort of plan to pay it off in the near future.

Realize that as time goes on, unless there was a singular event that directly lead to the $25k debt (medical bills/laid off for a period of time), there will likely only be more debt, and more frustration at his insistence on needing to spend money (and, thus, growing the debt more) to have a good time.

Have a talk with him and tell him how important it is to you to not only live debt free, but (gasp) to even save money so you can retire early. To people that are oblivious to saving, they can't comprehend how the balance in the investment account brings us more comfort than a week vacation on the beach brings to him. Perhaps it will open his eyes...but if it doesn't, realize that it will take a serious event to make him change his ways (if he would even at that), and that future years will be only more difficult as the debt grows and the lifestyle differences become more sharply divided.

 

[haha]

Boyfriends come and boyfriends go, but fiscal probity abides. Or not. In any case, this type of conflict is the heart of much 19th century literature, so apparently it has staying power and considerable power to generate drama.

Ha

 

[fireandearth]

I appreciate both CantThinkofAUserName and MooreBonds’ perspective here. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle.



The boyfriend is currently clearly financially incompatible with me as a lifemate, but he acknowledges that he’s made some dumb decisions and is making an effort to get control of his finances and pay off his debts. It would be lovely if he were making faster progress, but it can be rough forming new financial habits. I remember when my debt got big enough to scare me back into frugality back in 2005 (amounting to a whopping $2,500! – I’ve got a very low threshold), and it took a few missteps before I was able to fix the problematic behavior. So I’m trying to be understanding, but I am getting impatient.



My challenge is to keep in mind that I shouldn’t take on his limitations. That’s something I’ve often struggled with in relationships. I clearly need to actually plan a few frugal vacations and trips of my own and let him join in if he’s willing to go on my terms instead of foregoing the trips because he can’t afford to join me on his terms.



I certainly will not be tying my finances to his in any way, but I do still plan to enjoy the time we spend together.

 

[FinanceDude]

I appreciate both CantThinkofAUserName and MooreBonds’ perspective here. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle.



The boyfriend is currently clearly financially incompatible with me as a lifemate, but he acknowledges that he’s made some dumb decisions and is making an effort to get control of his finances and pay off his debts. It would be lovely if he were making faster progress, but it can be rough forming new financial habits. I remember when my debt got big enough to scare me back into frugality back in 2005 (amounting to a whopping $2,500! – I’ve got a very low threshold), and it took a few missteps before I was able to fix the problematic behavior. So I’m trying to be understanding, but I am getting impatient.



My challenge is to keep in mind that I shouldn’t take on his limitations. That’s something I’ve often struggled with in relationships. I clearly need to actually plan a few frugal vacations and trips of my own and let him join in if he’s willing to go on my terms instead of foregoing the trips because he can’t afford to join me on his terms.



I certainly will not be tying my finances to his in any way, but I do still plan to enjoy the time we spend together.

There's an easy solution. Your finances are not co-mingled, right? So, you stay on the beach in a tent or whatever and he pays up for a hotel. If he can't afford that, he has to go with your ideas. Also, we are talking about a BOYFRIEND, NOT a HUSBAND, and, although I understand you have a good relationship, you don't really "owe" him anything as far as doing your own thing.........

 

[nbw888]

Financial issues usually stem from emotional issues. Just saying that your boyfriend may have something that is making him feel the need to go deep into debt, and if he works this out, he won't feel the need to spend money on frivolous things he can't afford. Tackle the problem, not the result of the problem.

 

[Dog]

Take a look at some of the organized vacations (REI, Backroads, Adventure Travels, etc.). A great opportunity for you if your boyfriend can't afford the vacation. Allows you to vacation with people that have similar interests.