Anxiety

[Bimmerbill]

OK, I'm having an issue with anxiety. Doc said he would rather not give me meds, recommended therapy/counciling first.

I am overly worrying about DD, who turns 3 next week. At night I think I hear her crying sometimes when she is not. Also, this is her first year in daycare so she has been sick a lot.

Strep and Chicken Pox outbreaks last week, so more to worry about. When she coughs at night I get the "fight or flight" response of adreneline.

Now, I consider myself pretty prepared and able to handle most situations. I understand colds, fevers, etc. I know kids get them. I do all that the pedi says (vicks, elevated head, honey, humidifyer, etc).

For some reason I can't relax and its affecting my sleep and I've lost a lot of weight. I can work it thru my head logically, but body won't behave. Wife thinks its because I'm a control freak, type A. I never really considered myself to be either, but do have strong preferences for the way things are done.

Anyone seen a therapist or councilor for something similar and had good luck?

[Martha]

I went through that with some chaos in my family. I am sure that therapists help many people but I didn't like it much; I felt like it made me more wound up. I did get one piece of information that was helpful--read the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I got the book and their were a number of "exercises" that were helpful with anxiety and very helpful to relax to get to sleep.

[Alan]

Bill, Welcome to parenthood.

In my case my personal counselor has been excellent over the last 35 years and I owe her everything. I also used to stress out with our kids - our 1st had the usual illness you describe, our 2nd had seizures when he was 3.

My counselor was my wife and her calmness helped me a lot. I would recommend looking first to your wife for support and advice and I think Martha's advice is good - do a bit of research and reading and first try some self help since in the end the solution has to come from within yourself.

[haha]

His wife has already proven that she is not the one to help him in this situation, by labeling him "control freak, type A". She is probably overstressed too.

Bimmer, you are a very caring parent and a good man. Your world has been rocked lately. A cognitive behavioral therapist might be a big help. She can help you take good care of yourself, as well as your child.

There may be other types of therapy that would help, but cog/behav has a lot of academic backing. You could likely get names from your local medical school, or from your own doctor.

Ha

[harley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill OK, I'm having an issue with anxiety. Doc said he would rather not give me meds, recommended therapy/counciling first. I am overly worrying about DD, who turns 3 next week. At night I think I hear her crying sometimes when she is not. Also, this is her first year in daycare so she has been sick a lot. Strep and Chicken Pox outbreaks last week, so more to worry about. When she coughs at night I get the "fight or flight" response of adreneline. Now, I consider myself pretty prepared and able to handle most situations. I understand colds, fevers, etc. I know kids get them. I do all that the pedi says (vicks, elevated head, honey, humidifyer, etc). For some reason I can't relax and its affecting my sleep and I've lost a lot of weight. I can work it thru my head logically, but body won't behave. Wife thinks its because I'm a control freak, type A. I never really considered myself to be either, but do have strong preferences for the way things are done. Anyone seen a therapist or councilor for something similar and had good luck?

As Alan said, wecome to parenthood. My DD is 24 (DGD is 3), and I still worry about her and obsess that she would be so much better off if she did things the way I want her to. Whether you go to therapy, work through it yourself, suck it up, or a combination of the above, there's only so much you can do. Love, care, live as an example, etc. She's going to drive you nuts. Best of luck.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by harley As Alan said, wecome to parenthood. My DD is 24 (DGD is 3), and I still worry about her and obsess that she would be so much better off if she did things the way I want her to.

I think OP's situation is a bit different from ours as parents of adult children. His daughter is 3, and she has recently diagnosed severe health issues.

Ha

[Moemg]

Being a parent is difficult . You worry about your children forever . I 've used relaxation tapes for anxiety and they really helped me deal with my fears .

[harley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I think OP's situation is a bit different from ours as parents of adult children. His daughter is 3, and she has recently diagnosed severe health issues. Ha

Oops, foot in mouth again! I must have missed the health issues posts.

My DD has asthma and a number of other health issues which make her pretty much uninsurable outside an emloyee based plan. She has made it to adulthood, but it wasn't ever guaranteed. I feel for you Bimmerbill, and wish you the best. When she was young and we were discovering the health issues, both DW and I did go through some counselling, as well as classes and support groups for some of the problems we were facing. They did help, and I highly recommend them. I apologise if I came across as inconsiderate. I can be, but usually try to hide it better.

[bbbamI]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I am overly worrying about DD, who turns 3 next week. At night I think I hear her crying sometimes when she is not.

Just a stab in the dark, but do you think a baby monitor might help? You would know for sure if she was in distress.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill For some reason I can't relax and its affecting my sleep and I've lost a lot of weight. I can work it thru my head logically, but body won't behave. Wife thinks its because I'm a control freak, type A. I never really considered myself to be either, but do have strong preferences for the way things are done.

It seems to me that you both need to go to counseling. If your wife won't go, you should. You have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of others.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by harley Oops, foot in mouth again! I must have missed the health issues posts. My DD has asthma and a number of other health issues which make her pretty much uninsurable outside an emloyee based plan. She has made it to adulthood, but it wasn't ever guaranteed. .

Asthma is definitely difficult for the child or parent. One of my sons had it also, and I sure hated and feared those emergency runs to the ER. Fortunately he got much better as he got older. I hope your daughter is better also.

Ha

[enfp]

ok, this may sound goofy, but here goes... I got a book out of the library called Energy Medicine for Women by Donna Eden. She has another called Energy Medicine ( I assume for the general population).

She has acupressure exercises that help reduce the flight or fight adrenaline rush. They are easy exercises that you do to retrain your adrenals to not go into the f-or-f mode because we are not being chased by saber tooths anymore, and our response is overkill and harms our body.

I have been using them because I think I have adrenal fatigue and found this book and thought I'd start on it instead of buying a bunch of vitamins and supplements. I know the docs don't really recognize Adrenal Fatigue , only the extremely rare Addison's disease. However, I think that may change over time in this stressed out adrenaline- fueled culture full of exhausted people. AND this is not medical advice, only my opinion about a book I am reading, as well as a recently read book about adrenal fatigue. I am also teaching the exercises to my DD 8, because she is sensitive and overreactive as I am. As the dr who wrote Stroke of Insight said "Be responsible for the energy you bring to the situation." I'm trying to and trying to teach good self-care to dd at the same time.

Good luck with your anxiety issues, as well as all the other things you have to worry about with your daughter. Oh, I didn't tell you about another book I read recently called A friend Named Henry by a mother of a severely autistic child whose dog, a lab or golden I believe, brought the boy to a much less severe place. she goes into great personal detail about the child. Worth a read. And I still highly recommend the son- rise institute.

[Alan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I think OP's situation is a bit different from ours as parents of adult children. His daughter is 3, and she has recently diagnosed severe health issues. Ha

Bimber, I didn't get from your post that your daughter had severe health issues. I apologize if my reply sounded insensitive.

As I said in my reply our son had seizures from age 3 - lots of anxiety and trips to the ER. He was diagnosed with Cerebal Palsy and we had many years of anxiety.

While we managed with self education and supporting one another I realize this will not be the solution for everyone.

A good counselor may well be of help, and one certainly helped our son during the last 2 years of his college years while he was suffering from clinical depression (he was on meds as well).

However I still recommend trying self help by educating yourself as much as you can on your daughter's illnesses. The more you understand the better.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill OK, I'm having an issue with anxiety. Doc said he would rather not give me meds, recommended therapy/counciling first. I am overly worrying about DD, who turns 3 next week. At night I think I hear her crying sometimes when she is not. Also, this is her first year in daycare so she has been sick a lot. Strep and Chicken Pox outbreaks last week, so more to worry about. When she coughs at night I get the "fight or flight" response of adreneline. For some reason I can't relax and its affecting my sleep and I've lost a lot of weight. I can work it thru my head logically, but body won't behave. Wife thinks its because I'm a control freak, type A. I never really considered myself to be either, but do have strong preferences for the way things are done. Anyone seen a therapist or councilor for something similar and had good luck?

Our kid didn't sleep. She'd go down for a few hours but she'd wake us up every night, sometimes two or three times.

After a few months of this I developed "on duty" syndrome. I wouldn't be able to relax, I'd awake at the slightest noise, and once I was awakened my body would rev up and I'd be done sleeping for at least two hours. Usually the rest of the night.

Eventually chronic fatigue won out and I'd get some catnaps. (Frequently that happened at my work desk.) This went on from babyhood until she was seven or eight years old.

What helped me was to swap the duty with spouse every other night. When I was on duty I'd know that the next night I'd catch a break. When I was off duty I'd still wake up but I'd remind myself that she had the duty that night and would take care of everything. That would help me get back to sleep.

My only other suggestion would be to try to get some sort of exercise every day-- walking the stroller/tricycle or swimming after dinner were a big help with us.

[jug]

Wow, kids can be a bitch. My son came screaming and kicking out of the womb. My wife became severly depressed, she went down to about 90 pounds. I was frozen in shock.

But we managed. Kid never stopped crying, had behavioral problems in school. Then the teen years, drugs, alchohol, bad crowd, ended up in a rehab, special ed, tried to kill us twice, had him thrown in mental hospital, had orders of protection taken out on him, he broke those and was thrown in jail by judge.

We never gave up, and read him the riot act. He eventually went to school, got his masters and with all the basic training he's had teaches special ed in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

He has his moments at age 30, but I guess he'll never be perfect.

Whewwww, that was hard.

Who said kids were not supposed to get on your nerves, that is what it is about, or am I missing something here.

jug

[ladypatriot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I am overly worrying about DD, who turns 3 next week. At night I think I hear her crying sometimes when she is not. Also, this is her first year in daycare so she has been sick a lot. Strep and Chicken Pox outbreaks last week, so more to worry about. When she coughs at night I get the "fight or flight" response of adreneline. For some reason I can't relax and its affecting my sleep and I've lost a lot of weight. I can work it thru my head logically, but body won't behave.

Is DD your first child? Our first child awakened the anxiety beast in me, and I saw dire health/safety concerns everywhere. Were you always so anxious about your daughter's health? From your post, it seems that your daughter turning age three has led to some changes in your family life; she is in preschool and has become sick a lot. This is quite natural, but I'm sure your doctor has already assured you of that. It seems that you have an exaggerated response to her typical childhood illnesses; perhaps you are imagining every possible "worst case" scenario.

Time and experience will help, but for more immediate relief, I would suggest talking to parents who have been through similar experiences. Loving your daughter so much makes you vulnerable to fear, and fear causes anxiety. You may fear that you can't prevent something "bad" from happening to her, and you fear that if something "bad" did happen to her you wouldn't survive it.

I know it sounds trite and kind of "new-agey", but try to use your love for your daughter to displace the anxiety. Love is more powerful than fear. When you wake at night thinking you hear her crying, replace that with memories of her laughing and smiling. Begin thinking of all the wonderful things you will do with your daughter, how proud she is when she brings home a craft from preschool, or sings a song she learned from preschool.

Three years old is a milestone for children; it is when their language skills really take off, and when they begin to form relationships outside immediate family. Perhaps you can focus on rejoicing in the growth and development of your daughter. It really is the best antidote to fear.

[Moemg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jug We never gave up, and read him the riot act. He eventually went to school, got his masters and with all the basic training he's had teaches special ed in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn. He has his moments at age 30, but I guess he'll never be perfect. Whewwww, that was hard. jug

Congratulations on never giving up . It must have been incredibly hard !

[jug]

Having children for some people is hard. I believe it is hard for most people. Stuff such as strep, colds, flu, bites, crying, more crying, and other childhood normalities is quite normal and designed to keep you on your toes.

So if one is experiencing anxiety, that is quite normal, you should experience it, since it is natures way of making you tend to baby's needs.

Each person or parent is different. I had a difficult child. To me he was a challenge, I'm optomistic by nature even though I suffer from nasty depression, go figure?

I never gave up since I grew up constantly being knocked on my ass. So I learned to get up, lick the wounds for a while, then have another go. I guess that accounts for my depression, since there is a time when you have to just chuck it and walk away, some problems can't be solved nor have an answer. Like the Greek guy rolling the rock up the hill and it keeps coming down on him. Time to chuck it.

For routine stuff, we run to therapists, I guess that takes the place of our elders who would council us when the kids drive us nuts. However, if your weight goes down to 80, then a therapist is in order, however this is not the case for most.

Life is tough, so chew on it, make believe it's "al dente", also, when given lemons, make lemonade. If all else fails, then roll up a newspaper, and smack the little bugger with it. Just kidding, need some humor here.

jug

[citrine]

You can also check out a book called ""Trigger Points for the body"....great accupressure points for basically everything.
Maybe start meditating, deep breathing, watch your diet and exercise, reduce your stress levels. If that does not work....definitely seek a therapist....I have been seeing mine for over 4 years and he is absolutely awesome.

[Martha]

Moe's suggestion of relaxation tapes is good too. I forgot to mention that when I mentioned the workbook. I also got a DVD that I could play in the evening before going to sleep with a progressive relaxation routine on it. I can't remember anymore the name, but it was something like this one: Amazon.com: Guided Relaxation; For the Body and Mind: Ph.D. Heidi Minnick: Music

Bimmer's daughter was recently diagnosed as autistic and Bimmer has been going through a lot trying to determine the most appropriate approach for addressing her autism. My brother is autistic. It is hard and stressful.

Ha's suggestion as to the type of therapist is spot on, a cognitive behavioral therapist should give you tools to use to manage stress. Even though I personaly did not find therapy sessions helpful , I did find the book and dvd helpful, so what more could I want?

[jug]

The only general advice I can people whose children suffer from chronic problems, especially psychological in nature such as autism, add, depression and the whole shebang is that there are very few gurus, and you will find yourself going from doctor to doctor, program to program as I did.

One smart GP told me, when I asked that I'm looking for someone wise to help with my child, "you are the guru, you are the wise one when it comes to your child" He was right, I made the decisions that slowly steared him in a direction that benefited him. I made the decision on having him removed from my house.

Most importantly is to be on the same page with the spouse, not blame each other, and form a literal team that cannot be broken apart. People with abuse problems tend to use the good old divide and conquer routine, didn't work with us.

Unity in tactics and approach in dealing with someone with psyche needs is important. Also take very good of yourself, learn to be calm, since most situations are exacerbated by useless emotion. Let tandrums run their course, let acting out run it's course. Pay no heed to the dramatics kids will use to get their way. In the end, calm will most likely beget calm, as reaction to anothers outbursts will simply crank things up. I can write a book on this crap.

jug