Dementia Care from a distance

[Luck_Club]

Seeking input from those who may have crossed this path already-managing a parent with dementia from afar. The distance makes more than quarterly visits difficult, and I'm only in the area for half the year.

So my father is losing his mind, and he just doesn't care or want to help keep things in control. He has mobility issues, and I have help cleaning and keeping things generally up around the house. The help isn't trust worthy and has been suspected of pilfering groceries and shorting hours, until I added camera monitoring. however, no sooner do I solve one issue before another pops up that due to his diminished mental capacity, and un-trustworthyness of the help I have no way to verify.

Looking to replace the direct hired help with an agency (at more money), but not sure i'm not going to face the same issues a few weeks or months down the road when they catch on to his diminished capacity. The help is being replaced due to the fact that they aren't taking a burden off my shoulders but adding stress to an already stressful situation. I really don't need to be notified of every "accident" he has or every little minor issue that arises during the course of things.

I realize I'm prolonging the inevitable assisted living, but wondering if there is a that is it moment I should be looking for before pulling the plug. In my mind it is if he falls, or has something that sends him to the hospital for a stay.

 

[Sarah S]

Can he physically leave the home unassisted? Bear in mind a motivated demented person can do more than you would think. I hope he has zero access to a vehicle

Even if the above is not an issue I would get him out before a catastrophe. I had a demented mother living with my undemented but disabled father , aides from an agency and lived an hour away working ling hours in my medical practice but visited at least both weekend days and sometimes more. I am fairly certain one aide stole medication from my dad. Another left in the middle of her shift and clearly was going ro claim all hours except I caught her

I do not believe it can be safely done from a distance unless you have eyes on the ground that are trustworthy.

Our solution was that they moved 10 minutes away from my sister who was a SAHM

I am sorry

 

[Scrapr]

I'm sorry. One thing to keep in mind is some AL have waiting lists. Some 6 months or so. In our experience the AL places knew who had openings and were good about directing us. We could visit and choose. We visited one large one that I was ready to move into. Then i happened to look on Glass door or other rating firm. It was awful. The top director was turning over a couple times a year.

A fall will get your dad sent to rehab after the hospital. Then he may or may not be able to go home from there. I would try to get ahead of it & you are racing all over trying to find a place

 

[Golden sunsets]

I managed my mother's dementia, not from a distance, but from 30 miles away initially, prior to placing her first in an independent living facility, then moving her to a local AL facility and finally to a memory care unit. She passed away in early February. The period of time between our initial recognition that she had memory issues, while still living in her own home, to her death was about 2.5 years.

Two major observations I would make, for you to consider; as we began to deal with the issue, we made decisions about appropriate care for her, that in retrospect were always just a little bit late. Her memory issues were advancing at a fairly rapid rate. I was of a mind that I didn't want to jump over an appropriate level of care for her and place her at a more advanced level, if I could keep her at a lower level. That resulted though in changes every 6 months and thus constant changes to her living environment, not ideal I can tell you. If I had to do it again, I would go directly to memory care, avoiding the frequent changes and natural disruption to her living environment.

The other suggestion I would make, if you don't feel you need full memory care now, is choose a facility that has more than one level of care, so that transitions are easier. There are many AL facilities, that have units that are not memory care, but do take residents with some cognitive issues. This is actually quite common among AL facilities.

It's a terrible disease and it was quite shocking to watch how quickly my vibrant independent 92 year old Mom became a shell of herself in the space of just months. I thank God that she passed prior to Covid-19, as she would not have understood what was going on and my absence.

Good luck to you.

 

[Bongleur]

Everything said previously.

I had to essentially kidnap my mother, because she could not remember that we had discussed it many times & of course in her diminished capacity she would ALWAYS think that she could continue to stay at home. I did have the legal authority; so you need to get those ducks in a row right now.

Be prepared for weeping & gnashing of teeth when you drop him off.

 

[lrip]

Best of luck. It's hard. My brother took care of my dad from 2 1/2 hours away and it became too much, even with my mother there. Every little thing was a crisis for them. He would have to drop what he was doing and rush to help. He eventually bought a small condo in his city and moved them there. Dad never liked the move and mom was a pain about everything, but it was the only workable solution. Brought my brother a lot of relief and made it manageable.

 

[braumeister]

I managed my mother's dementia, not from a distance, but from 30 miles away initially, prior to placing her first in an independent living facility, then moving her to a local AL facility and finally to a memory care unit.

Your story was very much like mine. Moving my mother to an independent living place worked really well (after a bit of initial resistance) for about six years. I only realized there was a real memory issue when some of her friends in the place told me about some incidents where she wandered off after a meal and got lost (inside the building). Despite my visiting 3 or 4 times a week, she had been able to hide it from me.

As you pointed out, the disease can move pretty fast. Moved her to an AL place but that lasted less than a year before it was more than they could cope with. Then to a memory care place where things went downhill even faster and she was gone within another year.

Like you, I wished I had been more observant and proactive, but the desire to keep her happy and in familiar surroundings was very strong. Maybe not the best thing, but then again maybe it was. No way to know.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I am so sorry to hear of this situation. It's a terrible thing to see our loved parents slip away in such a manner, especially when you are far away.

I do not believe it can be safely done from a distance unless you have eyes on the ground that are trustworthy.

This x1000. I have heard to many horror stories to be able to trust ANYONE I don't actually know.

 

[nap470]

I wish you all the best as you go thru this challenging period. Definitely not a silver bullet, but using technology may help you during the transition time until you get to a more permanent solution. I know you mentioned you installed cameras which is an excellent idea, but communication devices such as Amazon Alexa or Google Home can also make it easier for a loved one to contact you "Call Jim", or for you to check in on them without the need for them to even have to answer (drop in feature). My 90 year old mother is completely scared of technology, but can ask Alexa to call someone or play a radio station etc. Both Alexa and Google have put a lot of programming emphasis on elderly assistance, and are very effective at reminding to take medications, eat meals etc. Definitely not a replacement for in-home care, but an added low cost peace of mind for elderly individuals needing just some assistance or companionship.