Need suggestions on how to help parents with failing health.

[2HOTinPHX]

Hello all,
So looking for some input on family situation. Our parents are in their mid 80s. They were both doing pretty good but recently have had some physical issues. Both smoked for many many many years but do not currently smoke. Mom is oxygen and has slowed down considerably and does not like to leave the house. Dad would still get out and do the grocery shopping. They both are still pretty sharp as far as minds go.
They live in the SF Bay Area in the same house we grew up in. One brother 57 has been living with them for a few years now and helps them with things around the house as needed. He is still working too. Another brother 60 lives a few blocks away and him and his wife visit frequently visit and take care of things to. I think he is the designated decision maker. We live in Phoenix so farther away.
So recently Dads health took a quick turn for the worse. He lost the feeling in his hands and feet and has lost his ability to walk. He was diagnosed with some sort of neuropathy. It looks like he is going to need full time monitoring as even going to the restroom is a struggle. He fell recently and could not get up on his own..this all within a few weeks
Brothers have been doing there best to help but both are working.
Not sure were to turn or things we should do next? Looking for any input from others who have been through this type of situation.

[MissMolly]

What shape are their finances in? Can they afford to hire a daytime caregiver that can help out when your brother is at work? Do they have long term care insurance? It sounds to me they can no longer be on their own. Has anyone considered assisted living? It really sounds like they need closer monitoring and nearby assistance.

[Bamaman]

I hate to say it, but when mobility is challenged it's time for a lifestyle change. When they start falling, a broken hip is probably in their future.

My father broke his hip and he was doing okay in the hospital--until he threw a clot to a lung. He didn't make it.

I have just a touch of neuropathy in my feet. And I'm not optimistic that it's going to ever get better. If someone's in their 80's and has neuropathy in their feet, they're not going to ever find stability in walking and may be a danger to themselves.

I'm fortunate to be in a ultra LCOL area. I'd hate to think what full nursing home care or a step below would be in ultra HCOL SF Bay Area. I'm so sorry your dad's going through this.

[2HOTinPHX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMolly What shape are their finances in? Can they afford to hire a daytime caregiver that can help out when your brother is at work? Do they have long term care insurance? It sounds to me they can no longer be on their own. Has anyone considered assisted living? It really sounds like they need closer monitoring and nearby assistance.

Thank you for the reply. My oldest brother knows more about my parents finances and is going to talk to them about options Wednesday night. We agree they are going to need closer monitoring. I think assisted living might be the best option but we will see what they are will to accept.

[2HOTinPHX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bamaman I hate to say it, but when mobility is challenged it's time for a lifestyle change. When they start falling, a broken hip is probably in their future. My father broke his hip and he was doing okay in the hospital--until he threw a clot to a lung. He didn't make it. I have just a touch of neuropathy in my feet. And I'm not optimistic that it's going to ever get better. If someone's in their 80's and has neuropathy in their feet, they're not going to ever find stability in walking and may be a danger to themselves. I'm fortunate to be in a ultra LCOL area. I'd hate to think what full nursing home care or a step below would be in ultra HCOL SF Bay Area. I'm so sorry your dad's going through this.

Thank you for your reply. I agree a life style change is going to need to happen. This has been very hard on dad as it came on pretty quickly. I know they both want to stay in the house as long as possible. Hopefully we can make it happen.

[Bamaman]

Naturally the parents want to stay in their own home. We had earlier moved my parents 130 miles so my sister could look after them. They lived in a very luxurious high rise apartment with a full time maid taking care of them. After my father passed, Mom moved into a CCRC that was $2K per month, but she had 24/7 help watching her @ $12 per hour. She was spending about 2x what full nursing home care would have been, and was down to her last $5K when she passed suddenly. But she really had a great time there. 10 years later, I swear my sister's still suffering from PTSD after 3 years of taking responsibility for them.

Elderly care is just so difficult--and helping make proper decisions is just so important for all parties involved.

[robnplunder]

It is extremely hard to take care of aging folks, especially, when they are impaired, handicapped, etc.. But you have a very good thing in your favor. You have two siblings who are nearby and are willing to help anyway they can. That's huge! No matter how things go from here, you need to do the best you can to be a part of the supporting crew. Talk to your siblings on what you can do to help. Sharing the responsibility will make things easy on everyone, and prevent/lessen any resentment toward each other for not doing one's part. Good luck and best wishes.

[Bir48die]

Until recently everyone has done a good job honoring your parents wishes to stay in their home. All people want that. However now that they are both home bound and need help there are the two alternatives. Getting help while your brother is not there or assisted living. If they have some near egg then start with in home care. It won’t be cheap where they live but it is essential they have it. Not sure how much your brother is at home or travels but since two are close they should be able to ham and egg it if they desire.

Assisted living gives them the ability to live together and have services close with all meals cooked for them. They will “menu” their costs depending on how much assistance is needed. Costs will rise a bit due to your fathers inability to be fully mobile.

My wife and I have told the kids we will go into assisted living when the time comes as not to be a burden on the kids. Family is family but we shouldn’t expect our kids to take care of us

[Bir48die]

Correction: nest egg not near egg. Hate auto fill. Also your parents by living where they live should reap a nice profit off the home sale to fund assisted living

[ivinsfan]

OP as the "away" sibling be sure and ask your involved DBS, What do you need me to do? If they are seeing your parents daily they know much more about the situation then you do. The big factors are personal safely for your parents and the amount of effort your DBS would need to expend to keep them at home.

Be honest and open to the live in brother/caretaker. He most likely will be losing his place to live. In a HCOL area this could raise huge problems for him.

[2HOTinPHX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan OP as the "away" sibling be sure and ask your involved DBS, What do you need me to do? If they are seeing your parents daily they know much more about the situation then you do. The big factors are personal safely for your parents and the amount of effort your DBS would need to expend to keep them at home. Be honest and open to the live in brother/caretaker. He most likely will be losing his place to live. In a HCOL area this could raise huge problems for him.

I want to thank everyone for there kind replies. Will share all your thoughts with my brothers. I don't post much but do come here and read often. You are a kind bunch and appreciated.

[MRG]

My empathy, I don't have much to add to the great advice you have received. Your siblings are wonderful for the support they've provided. Has to be a scary time for your parents especially with neuropathy and balance issues.

Best wishes.

[gauss]

Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues?

I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state.

-gauss

[MRG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gauss Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues? I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state. -gauss

+1

Many balance therapist are also PT. Balance therapy can make a big difference. It did for me.

[2HOTinPHX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gauss Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues? I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state. -gauss

Thank you for the suggestion. I will bring it up in my next conversation with brothers.

[chris2008]

If you and your brothers' no 1 option is assisted living, ask the place for a "try out period". The free try out week we gave my mom did a miracle - she loved it.
And when she decided to move we promised her not to sell her house and stuff for 3 months, in case she wanted to return. After 6 weeks she told us to go ahead with the sale.
She is living there now in year 5 and still loves it.
I hope it works out for your family too, one way or the other.

[2HOTinPHX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris2008 If you and your brothers' no 1 option is assisted living, ask the place for a "try out period". The free try out week we gave my mom did a miracle - she loved it. And when she decided to move we promised her not to sell her house and stuff for 3 months, in case she wanted to return. After 6 weeks she told us to go ahead with the sale. She is living there now in year 5 and still loves it. I hope it works out for your family too, one way or the other.

Thanks that is a very good suggestion. Appreciate the reply.

[rdy2go]

At age 94 my Mother got to where she needed to be in an assisted living facility. As much as she enjoyed her nice condo it was a relief for her to go to assisted living. I could see that normal living was becoming a burden for her and she really enjoyed the simplicity of having a smaller living space, meals served to her in a dining room, laundry done for her, room cleaned, bed linens changed, etc. Activities, trips and lots of people her own age to visit with every day. What we thought was going to be a painful change turned out to being a relief for her and us. She only lasted another six months, but it was a happy six months.

[LOL!]

My mom saw the writing on the wall. She put herself on the waiting list for a CCRC. When an apartment there opened up on the ground floor with a walkout patio, she moved in and sold her home.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LOL! My mom saw the writing on the wall. She put herself on the waiting list for a CCRC. When an apartment there opened up on the ground floor with a walkout patio, she moved in and sold her home.

You won the Mom lottery