Very distressing encounter

[Teacher Terry]

Flyboy, the same thing happened to my dad. He lived 14 years. We bought the house next door to my parents and I helped my mom care for him. Some things are worse than dying.

 

[Moemg]

A friend from my lunch group went from being a world traveler to hardly being able to function over night . The Dementia was a sign of the start of Parkinson's. She is mid sixties .

 

[calmloki]

With others I wonder about the Tile mentioned. Looks like it is bluetooth, thus short range, or depending on the Tile community for searching out all Tile locations. In that mode it seems like it might be useful in a city, but in small communities?

So is this the best device for keeping tabs on a wandering relative? I was thinking <jk> of getting chipped like our cat, but having a locating device is something my gal would be very interested in. Something superior to the obscenity "find my friends" tracking device she has on my iphone. That I am not a fan of.

 

[Texas Proud]

With others I wonder about the Tile mentioned. Looks like it is bluetooth, thus short range, or depending on the Tile community for searching out all Tile locations. In that mode it seems like it might be useful in a city, but in small communities?

So is this the best device for keeping tabs on a wandering relative? I was thinking <jk> of getting chipped like our cat, but having a locating device is something my gal would be very interested in. Something superior to the obscenity "find my friends" tracking device she has on my iphone. That I am not a fan of.

The problem is the chips only work with the device in the vets office...


A cell phone is useless if they do not take it with them as my mom failed to do...




BTW, we did notice my mom covering up with some standard answers... if you asked her what she had for lunch or dinner it was almost always chicken... even if we knew it was something else... now that she is in memory care she just says 'I don't remember'...

 

[harley]

I don't know if your DW has made that call yet, but I might hold off. If you are going offer some concrete support that's one thing. It's obvious something has happened and when you need to know you most likely will get some info.

His spouse is dealing with lots of stuff and people calling just to find out what's going on can be intrusive. If you are willing to assist the two of them that's another matter and could be very helpful.

That's a very good point, and we discussed it and decided to wait a bit until we see her again.

As far as the Tile issue, maybe it was for something else. But he's walking in a golf course community on an isthmus, so he can't get too far away.

I appreciate everyone's responses, and am amazed to hear so many others have experienced similar situations. This was such a shock. I'm going to catch him again soon when he walks up by our house, see how it goes. Maybe he was just having a bad day, or as others have said, something else was causing his cognitive difficulty. I have an elderly aunt that got C_Diff, and she became totally demented, but after they got the infection under control she went back to her normal self. I'm hoping.

 

[Amethyst]

Excellent points. She likely will not welcome calls that seem to be motivated by curiosity, even if couched in "We are concerned about you" terms. Please be prepared to say "If there's anything I can do to help," and mean it.

Also, if just meeting him was "very distressing" to you, imagine how distressed the two of them are, all the time. Your friend knows something awful has happened to him.

I don't know if your DW has made that call yet, but I might hold off. If you are going offer some concrete support that's one thing. It's obvious something has happened and when you need to know you most likely will get some info.

His spouse is dealing with lots of stuff and people calling just to find out what's going on can be intrusive. If you are willing to assist the two of them that's another matter and could be very helpful.

 

[skipro33]

Mental vs Physical. Which way do you prefer?
My BIL just turned 59, wife's sister's husband, diagnosed with stomach cancer about 1.5 years ago. They removed his stomach and most of his esophagus. He lost a lot of weight, down to 140, but not so much that he couldn't still enjoy life. Then in March he was told it was back; the cancer. Now on the lining of his abdomen where his stomach had been. This time they told him 16 months with chemo, 6 months without. They bought an RV and were on their 'final' tour, visiting us in Northern California from Idaho where they live. While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't. While at the ER, they did emergency colon removal. He has a bag. After a week, they flew home, leaving the RV here at our place. That was about a month ago. His home docs took him off chemo as it would kill him faster than the cancer. His stomach incision won't heal, it's now a gaping hole in him that is pretty gross. Hospice is there now daily helping with the wound and he's down to 108 pounds. I imagine he's got weeks, not months like he thought. We talked while he was here. His mind is very sharp and clear. He regrets he will never have grand kids. He's confused how this could have happened to him. He's concerned about making final financial arrangements for his wife. (They are well funded) He is afraid he'll suffer in the end and that Hospice won't give him enough meds to ease his suffering so he's stock piled some pain meds on the sly.

So which is better; to KNOW you are physically dying and you waste away while your family stands by watching, seeing their pain as well as your own fears, or your mentally unable to understand and fade away, again with family standing by watching?

 

[LOL!]

In the 1980's I met my landlady as she walked home from the grocery store. I said hello, but she only stared blankly and drooled from her mouth.

She died a few hours later.

 

[Brat]

As long as we are sharing God-awfuls.. my SIL has pulmonary fibrosis, is on a transplant list but has a rare blood type. He had Hodgkins right after college, physicians think this is a side effect of a chemo drug. He is under 45, two children in primary school.

 

[MRG]

Mental vs Physical. Which way do you prefer?
My BIL just turned 59, wife's sister's husband, diagnosed with stomach cancer about 1.5 years ago. They removed his stomach and most of his esophagus. He lost a lot of weight, down to 140, but not so much that he couldn't still enjoy life. Then in March he was told it was back; the cancer. Now on the lining of his abdomen where his stomach had been. This time they told him 16 months with chemo, 6 months without. They bought an RV and were on their 'final' tour, visiting us in Northern California from Idaho where they live. While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't. While at the ER, they did emergency colon removal. He has a bag. After a week, they flew home, leaving the RV here at our place. That was about a month ago. His home docs took him off chemo as it would kill him faster than the cancer. His stomach incision won't heal, it's now a gaping hole in him that is pretty gross. Hospice is there now daily helping with the wound and he's down to 108 pounds. I imagine he's got weeks, not months like he thought. We talked while he was here. His mind is very sharp and clear. He regrets he will never have grand kids. He's confused how this could have happened to him. He's concerned about making final financial arrangements for his wife. (They are well funded) He is afraid he'll suffer in the end and that Hospice won't give him enough meds to ease his suffering so he's stock piled some pain meds on the sly.

So which is better; to KNOW you are physically dying and you waste away while your family stands by watching, seeing their pain as well as your own fears, or your mentally unable to understand and fade away, again with family standing by watching?

My empathy.

A friend lost his 40ish DW to the same cancer. What a horrible disease.

I'm not sure how it's better or worse. My DM had a form of dementia. While it robbed her of most of her memory, she still had some. Maybe 15 minutes worth at the end. She never lost her warmth and love, a huge blessing for everyone.

ETA: Unfortunately even that is much better than many folks with other dementia. A friend recently lost her 59 YO mother to early onset Alzheimers. She was only ~5 years past diagnosis. Seeing a few photos over time was really scary, the physical progression was so rapid. I know the mental was much worse.

 

[tmm99]

Gees... This thread is seriously depressing me. I should go spend more money while I still can.

 

[NW-Bound]

If spending money makes one happy, he/she should do it. Personally, at this point more money does not change my happiness level much, as I have enough that I really want.

Mental vs Physical. Which way do you prefer?

My BIL just turned 59, wife's sister's husband, diagnosed with stomach cancer about 1.5 years ago. They removed his stomach and most of his esophagus. He lost a lot of weight, down to 140, but not so much that he couldn't still enjoy life. Then in March he was told it was back; the cancer. Now on the lining of his abdomen where his stomach had been. This time they told him 16 months with chemo, 6 months without. They bought an RV and were on their 'final' tour, visiting us in Northern California from Idaho where they live. While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't. While at the ER, they did emergency colon removal. He has a bag. After a week, they flew home, leaving the RV here at our place. That was about a month ago. His home docs took him off chemo as it would kill him faster than the cancer. His stomach incision won't heal, it's now a gaping hole in him that is pretty gross. Hospice is there now daily helping with the wound and he's down to 108 pounds. I imagine he's got weeks, not months like he thought. We talked while he was here. His mind is very sharp and clear. He regrets he will never have grand kids. He's confused how this could have happened to him. He's concerned about making final financial arrangements for his wife. (They are well funded) He is afraid he'll suffer in the end and that Hospice won't give him enough meds to ease his suffering so he's stock piled some pain meds on the sly.

So which is better; to KNOW you are physically dying and you waste away while your family stands by watching, seeing their pain as well as your own fears, or your mentally unable to understand and fade away, again with family standing by watching?

Both prospects are bleak. It does not matter much, as one really has no choice between physical or mental devastation in the end.

Regarding your BIL grim story, laymen tend to be excited about the various cancer cures, but the truth is that they work haphazardly. The same treatment may work well for the patient next to you, but does not do a darn thing for you.

So, once diagnosed with a bad cancer, do you go through all the terrible treatments and surgical operations while hoping for the best, or give up and head to Holland where they will let you die with dignity? We cannot really have a choice here either, as we do not know what our chances are with the cure, although in some cases the doctor can tell the patient that it is really hopeless.

... While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't.

Some aggressive cancer can grow so fast that I venture that the colon growth was not there when they last looked.

I know some people who got treated for a supposedly benign Stage I cancer, which should be very curable with more than 90% survivability, yet it became metastasized Stage IV and incurable just more than 1 year later.

Or some people went into treatment with a Stage II cancer, and when they completed the treatment, the doctor looked and found it became Stage IV. It meant the treatment did not do a damn thing.

Life is never fair!

 

[Car-Guy]

Gees... This thread is seriously depressing me. I should go spend more money while I still can.

+1, We decided that about the time I retired, and I'm blowing that dough. I'm slowing down now (due to energy levels) but I'm still finding ways to have fun and spend. Just about anything (except getting younger) could happen to me tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. One thing is for sure, it's coming closer every day.

 

[RAE]

+1, We decided that about the time I retired, and I'm blowing that dough. I'm slowing down now (due to energy levels) but I'm still finding ways to have fun and spend. Just about anything (except getting younger) could happen to me tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. One thing is for sure, it's coming closer every day.

Yep. This is why I feel that taking care of my health in retirement is my #1 priority (my "job", basically). Sure, you can do everything right and still end up with a debilitating health condition at some point, but I do believe that there are quite a few things you can do (in terms of diet/lifestyle) that at least improve your chances of living a longer, healthier life. But there are no guarantees, so you have to appreciate and enjoy every day of your life, that's for sure.

 

[harley]

Gees... This thread is seriously depressing me. I should go spend more money while I still can.

I didn't mean to bring everybody down, I was just shocked at how fast something like this can occur. I'm still planning on keeling over suddenly some day as a result of my lifetime of bad decisions. Hope it works out.

 

[tmm99]

I didn't mean to bring everybody down, I was just shocked at how fast something like this can occur. I'm still planning on keeling over suddenly some day as a result of my lifetime of bad decisions. Hope it works out.

Oh, sorry, I mean your story is distressing enough on its own, but I wasn't talking about your story in particular. It was more of the combined effort on this thread that got to me (with other members piling on other distressing stories on top of yours...).

 

[Walt34]

I'm still planning on keeling over suddenly some day as a result of my lifetime of bad decisions. Hope it works out.

I'm having the same hope. My father went that way, keeled over in the hallway and was gone. Traumatic at the time of course but with hindsight that's far better than the hand a good friend was dealt. We found out this morning he has stage 4 stomach cancer that has metastasized. His doctor basically said "Get your affairs in order".

 

[Nemo2]

metastasized.

Possibly/probably the word I hate most in the English language.

Been through it with my late wife, her best friend's late husband, another friend's late wife, and now my oldest friend's, (51 years and counting), wife is undergoing 'treatment'.

Damn.

 

[NW-Bound]

Oh, sorry, I mean your story is distressing enough on its own, but I wasn't talking about your story in particular. It was more of the combined effort on this thread that got to me (with other members piling on other distressing stories on top of yours...).

People here know I am a gloomy person. And rightly so I think. It's because life is not always about jumping up and down with joy. Life can be sucky.

But knowing that, I try to enjoy the time I have, even when in a melancholy mood.

 

[Scuba]

Mental vs Physical. Which way do you prefer?
My BIL just turned 59, wife's sister's husband, diagnosed with stomach cancer about 1.5 years ago. They removed his stomach and most of his esophagus. He lost a lot of weight, down to 140, but not so much that he couldn't still enjoy life. Then in March he was told it was back; the cancer. Now on the lining of his abdomen where his stomach had been. This time they told him 16 months with chemo, 6 months without. They bought an RV and were on their 'final' tour, visiting us in Northern California from Idaho where they live. While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't. While at the ER, they did emergency colon removal. He has a bag. After a week, they flew home, leaving the RV here at our place. That was about a month ago. His home docs took him off chemo as it would kill him faster than the cancer. His stomach incision won't heal, it's now a gaping hole in him that is pretty gross. Hospice is there now daily helping with the wound and he's down to 108 pounds. I imagine he's got weeks, not months like he thought. We talked while he was here. His mind is very sharp and clear. He regrets he will never have grand kids. He's confused how this could have happened to him. He's concerned about making final financial arrangements for his wife. (They are well funded) He is afraid he'll suffer in the end and that Hospice won't give him enough meds to ease his suffering so he's stock piled some pain meds on the sly.

So which is better; to KNOW you are physically dying and you waste away while your family stands by watching, seeing their pain as well as your own fears, or your mentally unable to understand and fade away, again with family standing by watching?

Of course we don’t know what will happen to us, but personally I would much prefer a serious physical life-threatening disease vs an agonizing mental deterioration. At least with a terminal illness, one can make the choice to die with dignity. I don’t think that’s possible once mental capacity is significantly impaired.

 

[harley]

I saw my neighbor earlier today. We were driving past his house, and he was out in the garden putzing with his flowers as usual. I didn't stop or talk to him, but it was good to see him out there doing what he enjoys. Gives me hope.

 

[Scrapr]

I saw my neighbor earlier today. We were driving past his house, and he was out in the garden putzing with his flowers as usual. I didn't stop or talk to him, but it was good to see him out there doing what he enjoys. Gives me hope.

You may want to look in on him & his wife. Not asking about any events. But just to be there and see if they need any help in an unobtrusive way

 

[Katsmeow]

I am guessing he must have had a stroke, but I don't really know. I don't think Alzheimer's or dementia can come on that quickly. No matter what, I'm a little surprised he was out walking the dogs, although he definitely knew their names and appeared to be following the same path he always has.

I know time gets us all eventually, but this was a severe shock. Am I likely right thinking stroke? Or are there other conditions that could result in this sudden memory loss. At least he was headed back into his house as we drove away.

I can give you one. This was with regard to a relative of mine. At the end of last year she had been in good health for someone in her late 80s. Then she had a fall and broke her hip and some other bones. I saw her in early January and she was in rehab doing fine.

Then over the next month...things changed. She abruptly become confused and her memory was impaired. I visited her in February and at one point she thought her son was her brother. She lost a lot of weight and wouldn't eat. She finally had to have caregivers at home because of her extreme confusion. She would forget things. She became paranoid and fearful. She didn't think she was at home. She thought she was still at rehab. There was lots of strange stuff.

For all the world she looked like extreme dementia had set in. This was a shock as she had been very sharp. Even in her late 80s she used a computer every day and was very active. Suddenly she couldn't do any of that stuff. They did CT scan to see if she had hit her head and they checked for stroke. Nothing. It just seemed like some sort of dementia.

It got to a point where it was clear she wasn't safe at home. She did start eating some with the encouragement of the caregivers. And, she gained some pounds and with that became more active. At times, you would talk to her and think she was fine. But then she would say that she wished she was at home (when she was sitting in her house). It was....puzzling. But - late 80s and there was some feeling that the trauma of the fall and surgery may have accelerated a decline that would have happened anyway.

Finally she was placed in a facility. Within a very short period of time though it became clear that she was functioning at a much higher level than the other residents. And, at she continued to gain weight her confusion cleared.

The final determination was that she had an unusually long episode of delirium probably brought on by the fall, surgery and weight loss. Delirium had been considered. But, usually it doesn't last all that long. Hers lasted for months.

Anyway, she was just recently discharged from the facility and is back home doing fine so far. The clue that this was not a real dementia was that she got started improving as she gained weight and healed from her physical problems related to the fall. With a true dementia she wouldn't have gotten better.

 

[LARS]

Alzheimers victims are very good at covering behaviors.

I take exception to your choice of word: "covering". It implies deception on the part of the inflicted.

I think a better, kinder explanation is the human brain does its best to "cope" or "adapt" with dementia/Alzheimer’s until it is overwhelmed by the disease.

 

[bmcgonig]

I take exception to your choice of word: "covering". It implies deception on the part of the inflicted.

I think a better, kinder explanation is the human brain does its best to "cope" or "adapt" with dementia/Alzheimer’s until it is overwhelmed by the disease.

They cope by covering?