Very distressing encounter

[tmm99]

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Originally Posted by harley I didn't mean to bring everybody down, I was just shocked at how fast something like this can occur. I'm still planning on keeling over suddenly some day as a result of my lifetime of bad decisions. Hope it works out.

Oh, sorry, I mean your story is distressing enough on its own, but I wasn't talking about your story in particular. It was more of the combined effort on this thread that got to me (with other members piling on other distressing stories on top of yours...).

[Walt34]

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Originally Posted by harley I'm still planning on keeling over suddenly some day as a result of my lifetime of bad decisions. Hope it works out.

I'm having the same hope. My father went that way, keeled over in the hallway and was gone. Traumatic at the time of course but with hindsight that's far better than the hand a good friend was dealt. We found out this morning he has stage 4 stomach cancer that has metastasized. His doctor basically said "Get your affairs in order".

[Nemo2]

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Originally Posted by Walt34 metastasized.

Possibly/probably the word I hate most in the English language.

Been through it with my late wife, her best friend's late husband, another friend's late wife, and now my oldest friend's, (51 years and counting), wife is undergoing 'treatment'.

Damn.

[NW-Bound]

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Originally Posted by tmm99 Oh, sorry, I mean your story is distressing enough on its own, but I wasn't talking about your story in particular. It was more of the combined effort on this thread that got to me (with other members piling on other distressing stories on top of yours...).

People here know I am a gloomy person. And rightly so I think. It's because life is not always about jumping up and down with joy. Life can be sucky.

But knowing that, I try to enjoy the time I have, even when in a melancholy mood.

[Scuba]

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Originally Posted by skipro33 Mental vs Physical. Which way do you prefer? My BIL just turned 59, wife's sister's husband, diagnosed with stomach cancer about 1.5 years ago. They removed his stomach and most of his esophagus. He lost a lot of weight, down to 140, but not so much that he couldn't still enjoy life. Then in March he was told it was back; the cancer. Now on the lining of his abdomen where his stomach had been. This time they told him 16 months with chemo, 6 months without. They bought an RV and were on their 'final' tour, visiting us in Northern California from Idaho where they live. While here, he had a bad bout of constipation. Finally went to the ER. They found a colon blockage from cancer. I don't understand how his docs didn't know of such severe advanced cancer in his colon while treating him for the abdomen, but they didn't. While at the ER, they did emergency colon removal. He has a bag. After a week, they flew home, leaving the RV here at our place. That was about a month ago. His home docs took him off chemo as it would kill him faster than the cancer. His stomach incision won't heal, it's now a gaping hole in him that is pretty gross. Hospice is there now daily helping with the wound and he's down to 108 pounds. I imagine he's got weeks, not months like he thought. We talked while he was here. His mind is very sharp and clear. He regrets he will never have grand kids. He's confused how this could have happened to him. He's concerned about making final financial arrangements for his wife. (They are well funded) He is afraid he'll suffer in the end and that Hospice won't give him enough meds to ease his suffering so he's stock piled some pain meds on the sly. So which is better; to KNOW you are physically dying and you waste away while your family stands by watching, seeing their pain as well as your own fears, or your mentally unable to understand and fade away, again with family standing by watching?

Of course we don’t know what will happen to us, but personally I would much prefer a serious physical life-threatening disease vs an agonizing mental deterioration. At least with a terminal illness, one can make the choice to die with dignity. I don’t think that’s possible once mental capacity is significantly impaired.

[harley]

I saw my neighbor earlier today. We were driving past his house, and he was out in the garden putzing with his flowers as usual. I didn't stop or talk to him, but it was good to see him out there doing what he enjoys. Gives me hope.

[Scrapr]

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Originally Posted by harley I saw my neighbor earlier today. We were driving past his house, and he was out in the garden putzing with his flowers as usual. I didn't stop or talk to him, but it was good to see him out there doing what he enjoys. Gives me hope.

You may want to look in on him & his wife. Not asking about any events. But just to be there and see if they need any help in an unobtrusive way

[Katsmeow]

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Originally Posted by harley I am guessing he must have had a stroke, but I don't really know. I don't think Alzheimer's or dementia can come on that quickly. No matter what, I'm a little surprised he was out walking the dogs, although he definitely knew their names and appeared to be following the same path he always has. I know time gets us all eventually, but this was a severe shock. Am I likely right thinking stroke? Or are there other conditions that could result in this sudden memory loss. At least he was headed back into his house as we drove away.

I can give you one. This was with regard to a relative of mine. At the end of last year she had been in good health for someone in her late 80s. Then she had a fall and broke her hip and some other bones. I saw her in early January and she was in rehab doing fine.

Then over the next month...things changed. She abruptly become confused and her memory was impaired. I visited her in February and at one point she thought her son was her brother. She lost a lot of weight and wouldn't eat. She finally had to have caregivers at home because of her extreme confusion. She would forget things. She became paranoid and fearful. She didn't think she was at home. She thought she was still at rehab. There was lots of strange stuff.

For all the world she looked like extreme dementia had set in. This was a shock as she had been very sharp. Even in her late 80s she used a computer every day and was very active. Suddenly she couldn't do any of that stuff. They did CT scan to see if she had hit her head and they checked for stroke. Nothing. It just seemed like some sort of dementia.

It got to a point where it was clear she wasn't safe at home. She did start eating some with the encouragement of the caregivers. And, she gained some pounds and with that became more active. At times, you would talk to her and think she was fine. But then she would say that she wished she was at home (when she was sitting in her house). It was....puzzling. But - late 80s and there was some feeling that the trauma of the fall and surgery may have accelerated a decline that would have happened anyway.

Finally she was placed in a facility. Within a very short period of time though it became clear that she was functioning at a much higher level than the other residents. And, at she continued to gain weight her confusion cleared.

The final determination was that she had an unusually long episode of delirium probably brought on by the fall, surgery and weight loss. Delirium had been considered. But, usually it doesn't last all that long. Hers lasted for months.

Anyway, she was just recently discharged from the facility and is back home doing fine so far. The clue that this was not a real dementia was that she got started improving as she gained weight and healed from her physical problems related to the fall. With a true dementia she wouldn't have gotten better.

[LARS]

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Originally Posted by Scrapr Alzheimers victims are very good at covering behaviors.

I take exception to your choice of word: "covering". It implies deception on the part of the inflicted.

I think a better, kinder explanation is the human brain does its best to "cope" or "adapt" with dementia/Alzheimer’s until it is overwhelmed by the disease.

[bmcgonig]

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Originally Posted by LARS I take exception to your choice of word: "covering". It implies deception on the part of the inflicted. I think a better, kinder explanation is the human brain does its best to "cope" or "adapt" with dementia/Alzheimer’s until it is overwhelmed by the disease.

They cope by covering?

[LARS]

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Originally Posted by bmcgonig They cope by covering?

Not certain your point?

To elaborate on mine. I do not believe that dementia et al patients are actively trying to deceive those around as to their decline. Instead, the brain looks for ways to adapt (cope with) declining/changing skills, which to an outsider could be seen as covering behavior.

Put another way the body/brain tries to "right the ship" the best it can.

[Winemaker]

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Originally Posted by mystang52 This is depressing to read. Aging is not pleasant at that point.

The alternative may be worse.


As far as "covering", the patient will speak in generalities, and not be tied to a specific fact. DW and I have experienced this behavior with several relatives on both sides of family.

[HI Bill]

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Originally Posted by harley I saw my neighbor earlier today. We were driving past his house, and he was out in the garden putzing with his flowers as usual. I didn't stop or talk to him, but it was good to see him out there doing what he enjoys. Gives me hope.

Not sure what's wrong with him, but my mom had dementia for about 7 years. She still putzed around the garden but always forgot what she was watering...she didn't know the day of the month, the month, or the season, most often.

[MRG]

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Originally Posted by LARS Not certain your point? To elaborate on mine. I do not believe that dementia et al patients are actively trying to deceive those around as to their decline. Instead, the brain looks for ways to adapt (cope with) declining/changing skills, which to an outsider could be seen as covering behavior. Put another way the body/brain tries to "right the ship" the best it can.

I don't disagree but my DF's words were he was afraid he would be put away because of his issues. He claimed he was just more successful in hiding his dementia than DM.

The background was he watched DM be totally out of it for years. She had dementia but was spared the horrific issues many have. Happy as could be, folks who didn't know she was ill, and only had casual short, conversation might not know. Her brain only had a few real stories of her life and she would loop through them.

In the end she was in a nursing home because she couldn't transfer.. not her diminished memories. DF couldn't understand the difference.

He quite clearly hid his issues for false fears. It took my sisters and me a long time to understand it. All of our understanding came way after the fact. It seemed very clear from the rear view mirror how ill he had been.

I'll never forget him telling me to drive his Chrysler up over a curb and down the sidewalk to pass the school bus unloading children. DM was in a scheduled medical transport and we were simply going to be a couple hundred yards behind. The really messed up part is they were still living independently when this happened.

Took a couple of years before it unraveled.

[Scrapr]

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Originally Posted by LARS I take exception to your choice of word: "covering". It implies deception on the part of the inflicted. I think a better, kinder explanation is the human brain does its best to "cope" or "adapt" with dementia/Alzheimer’s until it is overwhelmed by the disease.

I agree. By covering I meant behavior that masked the actions to family and neighbors that only see the victims occasionally.

Thank you for the gentle correction

[HI Bill]

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Originally Posted by MRG The really messed up part is they were still living independently when this happened.

A salesperson at a Brookdale care facility put it like this: There is never a perfect time to transition to assisted living. It's either too early, or too late." In my mom's case, it was after she fell and broke her pelvis, so, too late to potentially prevent the injury. BUT...due her friends and I helping out, she was able to stay at home for 2 years longer than she would have otherwise been able to.

[Rambler]

As my dear mom reminds me, “gettin’ old ain’t for sissies!”

[harley]

I saw him again today. Driving by again while he was out in his garden. I stopped to talk for a few minutes. He was friendly enough, but answered all comments very vaguely, never any name use or personal responses indicating he was talking to someone he knew. It sounded very much like some of the coping/concealing behaviors mentioned here. I'm getting fairly convinced he's suffering from some form of significant memory loss, but it's one that seems to have come on pretty quickly. DW still wants to contact his wife, but I'm not sure that's a good idea yet. I'm hoping an opportunity will present itself for clarifying the situation, but it probably won't.

[ncbill]

Yep, those with dementia can hide it a very long time.

Mom wasn't officially diagnosed until around age 50, but she was divorced around age 40, and going back through her financial records just a year or so after her divorce she was no longer able to balance her checkbook, i.e., add/subtract 3 or 4 digit numbers.

Since she didn't work (lifetime alimony) and lived alone she was able to keep to her routine for an extended period before anyone noticed what was wrong.

[imoldernu]

First person experience. As some know, from older posts, initial onset of memory problems came on about 5 years ago. Now, @ age 82, just a fact of life that requires adjustment.

The initial reaction was one of periodic depression and a look to the family for sympathy and understanding. Of course, this appeal was rejected... "You're fine.... Look... we all have lapses of memory. You're overthinking this!"

Gradually this gave way to grudging acceptance... not because they believed, but that it was okay if it made me happy. Today, we have a much better mutual understanding, which makes my life more comfortable.

Describing the slide into dementia from a personal standpoint is not easy. On the one hand, the deeper intellect is largely intact, but the short term challenges are daunting. Most difficult are the social aspects. As a onetime leader, organizer and "people" person, continuing the social part of what I used to do, requires major changes in personal interactions. As I organize and run several scheduled events in our CCRC, I've had to learn a new way of relating to others. No longer able to put faces and names together, or even to remember names alone, has meant developing an over-friendly general approach to hide the problem, and, instead of recalling recent conversations or events, have resorted to little "tricks" to let others fill in details that I can't recall.

Brings us to today. Very much aware of ever increasing changes to the "normal" life activities. Still in the process of making adjustments to minimize the effect. Most difficult is overcoming the inevitable sadness that accompanies the problem. Slowly coming under control with grudging acceptance. Jeanie has been my support with love and understanding. Together we are working on the things we see as being critical to the time we have left. Simplifying our lives. Organizing time and effort to make the most of what we have. Looking ahead to the things that will inevitably become problematic, and seeking alternatives. In effect, decluttering the mind of the angst that naturally occurs with confusion.

Helpful "stuff". A tamping down of the curiosity and interest level. Less of the wanting to know everything, and more of enjoying the basic pleasures of life. No more reading... less interest in the local "news", balancing "outside the home" pleasures... entertainment, eating out, visiting, long drives in the country and travel... with the ease of watching a good movie.

So, yes... no worldwide travel at age 95... no Senior Swimming Masters events that I had planned on... and we missed my 60th college reunion. The email relationships with old friends has gradually disappeared. Our kids come to see us, we don't travel to see them, and this weekend we'll miss our grandson's wedding in Pittsburg.

With all of that, we're still coming to a pretty good place in life. Things like posting on ER, take longer, and sometimes get repetitive and confused. It takes a lot longer to find "words", and remembrance of things past often jump from days, to years to decades, but all in all, life is very good and it's still quite easy to find things to make us happy.

I suppose it's not "growing old gracefully", but learning to accept, and take life in stride.