Tough dinner conversation with adult live-in daughter

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gumby You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago. It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

I've been following the thread since the beginning and made a couple of posts before Post 122, but as far as I know, the only thing I know is that they had a talk and the daughter filled out an application for an apartment (which is progress). I hope she has a moving date by now.

[Backdraft57]

Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Backdraft57 Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

No,you should read a little before commenting...especially on a long thread.

[Backdraft57]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan No,you should read a little before commenting...especially on a long thread.

Nope.

[meleana]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratface Just finished a rather unpleasant conversation with my 26 y/o daughter at the dinner table, she got up and tossed her food away and left the table crying. I'm heartbroken. We live in Illinois. Positivity rate is just above 5% and climbing everyday. It's evident things are getting worse. Our mayor was on TV yesterday begging folks to wear masks and wash hands. Information was presented about how most folks are getting infected by family members at home. My wife and I are in relatively good health at 61 and 62. Both my wife and daughter are school teachers to young children and currently work outside the home. I'm retired. We accept the circumstances given the precautions in place at the schools. My daughter attended an outdoor bonfire with peers over the weekend. I voiced concern. This coming weekend she is planning a wine tasting with a small group of friends. Again, I voiced concern citing the sharing of glassware/wine in a group setting. She is also planning on attending an upcoming Halloween party. Again I relayed my concern. She says it's unfair and has to live her life and I argue that we have to hunker down for the next 6 months and protect each other. My heart breaks for her but feel her plans are endangering our family. I cannot get the gravity of the situation across to her. Has anyone else had this conversation with an adult child living at home and have any thoughts on how to best approach it.

Can’t she just wear a mask in your home and keep 6 ft distance from you? And make sure she washes her hands more than normal? She can wipe stuff down in the house?

This is what the experts tell us. Wear a mask and distance.

We are in our 60’s and we have a 32 year old son who does not live at home but he’s welcome here any time. He works two jobs.

We do hug briefly and we don’t do masks in our home. I can’t say that we even distance in our home. This is our choice, but back in March we did tell our son to stay away until things got sorted out. By May we had enough and decided what we would be comfortable with.

Not saying that is what you should do because we are retired and you are teachers so it’s a bit different for sure since you work outside the home and with children and other coworkers. Everyone’s comfort level is different, too.

I hope you can resolve this amiably and maintain a good relationship with your daughter. She does need to live her life but she also must respect you and your rules in your home. She certainly needs to understand your concerns for your health.

Good luck!

[rodi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Backdraft57 Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

That may work on nextdoor, but not on this forum. Long threads don't get deleted. Posts in violation of the community rules sometimes get deleted by the moderator team, but rarely long threads.

[timo2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Backdraft57 Im not reading an entire thread when the system just emails me with the queation and I hit reply. If the issue was resolved then the original poster should delete the thread.

You can go in and opt out of notifications to a thread. Lots of us like to read the thread, even if it is older.

[MuirWannabe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gumby You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago. It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

Why let a pesky thing like a problem resolved get in our way of offering our helpful/unhelpful opinion. [emoji3]

[Vinnygret]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Out-to-Lunch Umm, seriously? I was waiting to find the humorous ending to your post, but it never came. Can you explicate in what way you think it would be a mistake, and how it could possibly be "unfair"?

I was also waiting for irony. This is really more than a disagreement. It's a disagreement with potentially fatal consequences. Covid 19 kills older people. Whose house is this? Who is in charge? If I still had a young adult at home, her opinion in this disagreement would be acknowledged and overruled. If it's unfair, welcome to adulthood, welcome to the uncaring world. It was unfair that people had to cancel weddings, didn't get to graduate with their classes or have graduation parties. It's unfair that people are in debt, can't pay utility bills, had to watch loved ones die without even being able to kiss them good-bye. In light of all that and more, I cannot imagine a more selfish position for a young adult to take. If this is the biggest disappointment this young woman sees in her life, she will be truly blessed. Just say no, nope, negative, sorry.

[Rosedala]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Another Reader At 26, I would tell her that it's time to move out of my house if she can't follow some basic, common sense safety rules. In the meantime, I would do what I could to isolate myself and my spouse from contact with her. Let her eat in her bedroom and keep to her own bathroom until this is resolved. This is not about fairness and she's not 14. It's about protecting her parents and herself from a deadly disease.

EXCELLENTLY SAID! I think she sounds rather selfish and as irresponsible as a child. Your advice is great, I hope the OP follows it. That's what I'd do if in the similar situation.

[Rosedala]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratface Yes I realize this can hurt the relationship. I'm here to use the forums as a sounding board for my viewpoint and so encourage dissenting opinions. I always find intelligence here. I also anticipate the Board will be skewed in my favor given the demographics of a retirement community thus peaking my interest in arguments favorable to her point of view?

...and may I add that if you take the decision of reminding her to follow your house rules, whether or not she contracts the covid at some point in her life, she's going to regret enormously not to have listened to you.

[Elizrogers]

I lived in my parents home off and on till I was 30. We had no deadly diseases to worry about, but I still had rules to follow to keep my parents from worrying, being disturbed, or compromising their personal beliefs. It was their house, I was usually in a financial bind and being allowed to live free and they deserved to feel safe and comfortable in their own home. When I was 40, I built a house and they moved in with me. I had an apartment like area (5 rooms) built at the opposite end of the house from them with a private entrance/exit. My den had a wet bar with small frig and microwave, so I could hibernate if I wanted, or have friends over.

At the very least, you need to make her quarantine in her own room after these public gatherings, for your own protection. Maybe get her a small frig, like they use in motels and a microwave. She can eat in there, have her own drinks, and ask her to mask up if she'd like to join you for conversation or tv in the main rooms. "Better safe than sorry" is a better motto at this time than "Asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission." It may be too late to ask forgiveness when you are in the hospital and she is never again allowed to see you.

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gumby You guys do realize that ratface and his daughter have resolved the issue, right? She is moving to her own place, as he reported in Post #122, four days ago. It helps to read the whole thread before commenting.

It must be that weekly newsletter email. It seems to bring in a lot of newer folks who haven’t visited recently.

[seachange]

I'm incredulous at the mentality of these people who don't want a virus such as this to spoil their social lives. I'm in NZ and we've done the hard yards with isolation and lock downs. And as a result we're enjoying our freedom. And yes I've got a 16 and 19 year old so I know all about the social isolation, trying to keep kids on task doing schooling at home and all the other 'fun' things with social isolation. Your daughter is behaving like a child and a selfish one at that. As you said you're older and at more risk with this virus. If she wants to behave recklessly with no thought for her parent's safety then I'd say its time for her to have a taste of true independence and move out. As someone else said your house your rules. Do these people who want to live life as normal have any consideration whatsoever for all those health professionals who put their lives on the line every day nursing and caring for Covid patients?

[Calico]

Quote:

Originally Posted by seachange I'm incredulous at the mentality of these people who don't want a virus such as this to spoil their social lives. I'm in NZ and we've done the hard yards with isolation and lock downs. And as a result we're enjoying our freedom. And yes I've got a 16 and 19 year old so I know all about the social isolation, trying to keep kids on task doing schooling at home and all the other 'fun' things with social isolation. Your daughter is behaving like a child and a selfish one at that. As you said you're older and at more risk with this virus. If she wants to behave recklessly with no thought for her parent's safety then I'd say its time for her to have a taste of true independence and move out. As someone else said your house your rules. Do these people who want to live life as normal have any consideration whatsoever for all those health professionals who put their lives on the line every day nursing and caring for Covid patients?

No - no, they don't.

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by audreyh1 It must be that weekly newsletter email. It seems to bring in a lot of newer folks who haven’t visited recently.

Ah! That makes perfect sense!

[DallasGuy]

Very simple solution. Tell her to find somewhere else to live...at least until the pandemic is over.

[dave13]

My 25 year old moved into his first post-college apartment just as the pandemic was hitting. I was delighted that he was moving out, but scared of what he was going to get exposed to. He's been out for about 9 months, has his small quaran-team that meets up once a week, and met a really nice young woman.

My daughter (23) and her husband were an hour + away at grad school where the undergrads party like it's 1999 every day. The campus went RED and all their classes went on-line. They moved out of their university apartment and back in with us a few weeks after classes started. They quaran-teamed with us for the summer. We minimized outings and grocery store exposures. Currently, they are on campus for 3.5 days a week and with us for 3.5 days.

This has worked for us.

We has some hard conversations, but not as hard as yours.

I'd suggest your daughter find a group of friends who can rent a place together. Before they sign the lease, they need to discuss the rules:

• How much exposure are they willing to risk?
• How about guests?
• When they party, do they all party together or can they go to multiple parties?
• What happens is someone gets the virus?

They could do well by developing their living condition into a quaran-team and live as a family unit.

Good luck, Mr Rat.

[dave13]

Yup. It was a really good title that sucked us right in....

[Ablatus]

There are things you can ask her to do that will greatly improve her risk.
1. Wearing a n95 or mask using polypropylene as at least one layer of a fitted mask, with metal nose clip.
2. Wear big wrap around sunglasses.
3. Have hand sanitizer and use it as soon as ahe leaves a location, before getting in her car.
4. Removing shoes outside house and again, using some type of wipe down for hands.
5. Take cloths off as soon as she gets home and wash them.
6. Take her temperature and finger oxygen level 2x daily.
Also, she is educated, so sit down with her. Tell her you need 30 mins of her time. Go through, with a sheet of paper, and put into writing a flow sheet of how she is protecting the family, what happens if she gets ill. Where will she stay because you can't risk her staying home. List sacrifices you and your wife have been doing to keep the family healthy. Have her list her sacrifices. We ALL are feeling like she is feeling. Maybe she can rent a bed in one of her friend's houses for 6 months, if she doesn't feel she has any responsibility forthe family well being. She is being selfish regarding the family unit. She must not feel like she has any ownership. Ask her. She might agree to find temporary housing until she has caught it and recovered or the vaccine is available.