At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a
morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as
"unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate
us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their
root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President went on to warn, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random
facts of vertex. As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one
principle there is no uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their
days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
