Calling Successful Women Held Back by (Stupid) Husbands...

[Midpack]

One of my wife's coworkers, who I also know along with her husband, has worked very hard and advanced from an entry level position to a supervisory position. She is very bright and hardworking. At about age 40, she recently completed her Masters, and has now been offered her choice of several mid/upper level management positions. She is definitely interested. However, she is married to [-]a vain, self absorbed idiot IMO[/-] who is threatened by her success (she already makes more than he does). When she told him about the opportunities, he said flatly you can't take any of those because you have to be there for the kids (about 7 & 12 yo). He's not an absentee father, but he expects her to be there for the kids for all the really hard parenting. He refuses to discuss her career opportunities beyond that.

To compound the nonsense, he intends to retire early on a public pension.

I very well understand that interfering could be dangerous, and I realize some will tell me 'it's none of your business.' But it's just criminally unacceptable that he is holding her back IMO.

Any advice some of you successful women might be able to share (PM if you like)?

I'd really like to find a way to help her. I am sure he'd never accept the situation if the 'shoe was on the other foot.' I am wondering if I can enlist her, or better yet his parents to talk some sense into him - but I don't know them.



Note: I'm a male in case my avatar choice may suggest otherwise to newer members...

 

[Bestwifeever]

What, is she living in tbe 50s? She's a big girl.

And remember no good deed goes unpunished.

 

[rodi]

I've seen a couple of women at work with this issue. (Thankfully I have a husband who believes in co-parenting. Which is good since I outearn him and work more hours than he does.)

One friend's situation - it ended in divorce. She was in marketing, and was expected to travel a lot for work. Her husband refused to even pick up/drop off the kids from daycare and take them to her mothers house (where they would spend the night because he refused to change a diaper also). She finally divorced him when she realized that in her case - it was easier to manage her career and family without him in the picture. She was already working around his issues before they got divorced... having her mom watch the kids when she was out of town on business.

Another came close to the brink of divorce... but he realized that he'd lose her income and some of his income if he didn't step up. Pragmatics made him start supporting her career.

 

[MBAustin]

Do you know the husband well enough to talk with him yourself? Very rationally, of course, basically letting him know how you were so proud of helping your wife achieve her potential in the workplace (if that's true), or even just getting him to talk about it so he realizes how stupid it sounds when he talks about it to someone else.

Another approach would be for the wife to start a list of benefits/concerns about her taking a higher level position and sit down to talk with him about it and let him add his. Things like additional money for college for the kids, inspiring their daughter (if they have one - and this one is a real biggie), as well as a plan for how she will deal with the kids. Having been in upper-mid management myself while kids were that age, in truth she may have more flexibility with your schedule than in some non-management jobs (although the total hours may be more, you can do work in the evenings when kids are doing homework/asleep, etc.) - of course, if there is a lot more travel than she currently does then that doesn't work. If she just finished her Masters, that took a lot of time that she now has available to apply to her work without affecting the family.

I would leave his early retirement out of the discussion completely.

Of course, all of this predicates that he would actually have a rational discussion.

Good luck and thanks for standing up for equality and common sense!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I would let them work it out. I left that kind of a job so I could be home with my kids. When I read your post I thought of a Mahatma Gandhi quote, "There is more to life than increasing its speed."

 

[MichaelB]

If she can't work this out, what chance does she really have to be successful at an upper management job?

 

[Accidental Retiree]

What, is she living in the 50s?

No, but her husband seems to be.

 

[Brat]

Been there, done that. My husband refused to consider a move that would have resulted in a promotion and ultimately a higher pension. He doesn't know it but I resent that to this day.

 

[ERhoosier]

Things are usually not as straight forward as they seem and uninvited 'intervention' can often make matters worse. Beyond perhaps a gentle suggestion of independent counseling, it really is best to MYOB. Unless you have evidence of abuse, trust that this intelligent, well-educated woman can handle the situation & make her own decisions.

 

[Midpack]

If she can't work this out, what chance does she really have to be successful at an upper management job?

Update: Late this afternoon she accepted one of the promotions offered and told her boss (the CEO) that she wants his job some day. Her husband is just going to have to adjust accordingly.

She's going to be successful...and we're off the hook. I'm thrilled she stood up for herself after hesitating for several days.

 

[Powor]

This is a tough situations because if you seem too pushy with the issue then you might lose or damage your friendship. It is tough seeing people make mistakes like this and it is even tougher knowing they have all the potential in the world. Some guys need to grow up and accept that they have married someone who is strong and independent but who still loves them for them...

 

[Walt34]

I'll never understand why so many guys take that position. I've often told DW that if she got a high-paying job I'd be more than happy to have the house kept clean, dinner on the table by 5, and greet her at the door with a smile, a glass of wine, and a "How was your day, dear?"

Some guys wouldn't know a good thing if it bit them on the butt.

 

[FinanceDude]

Her actions indicate she is obviously ready for the promotion, and ready to lead, so good for her. My sister's 2nd marriage ended due to a circumstance that was similar. My BIL thought that after she spent 15 years getting a PhD, she should be happy having kids and staying home. That was the beginning of the end.

 

[ls99]

How does she spell divorce?

 

[omni550]

How does she spell divorce?

Her DH may find out soon enough if he doesn't change his tune.

omni

 

[W2R]

Honestly, I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole.

 

[braumeister]

Sounds just like my parents.
Whenever mom reached a point where she started making more than dad, he forced her to quit that job and stay home for a year or two. Since he never made much, this situation recurred with regularity, over and over throughout my childhood.

It was nothing to do with taking care of the kids; it was simply a matter of his ego -- he couldn't stand his wife making more than he did.

Of course they were a completely different generation (born in the early 1920s), so the comparison is not exact, but it sure sounds familiar to me.

 

[JustCurious]

Update: Late this afternoon she accepted one of the promotions offered and told her boss (the CEO) that she wants his job some day. Her husband is just going to have to adjust accordingly.

She's going to be successful...and we're off the hook. I'm thrilled she stood up for herself after hesitating for several days.

That's good. But as a rule, I do not get in between a married couple, even if I think one of them is in the wrong. Of course there are exceptions to the rule involving abuse or criminal conduct, but this situation is not one of those.

 

[MBAustin]

Update: Late this afternoon she accepted one of the promotions offered and told her boss (the CEO) that she wants his job some day. Her husband is just going to have to adjust accordingly.

She's going to be successful...and we're off the hook. I'm thrilled she stood up for herself after hesitating for several days.

Glad to hear it! If her husband has any sense, he'll enjoy the benefits and work with her to deal with any issues. If not

 

[Lisa99]

Update: Late this afternoon she accepted one of the promotions offered and told her boss (the CEO) that she wants his job some day. Her husband is just going to have to adjust accordingly.

Good for her! And IMHO there was nothing you could do to sway the outcome either way. It was squarely on her shoulders to either be meek and say 'yes dear' or stand up for herself and say F U even when the second option will likely have consequences.

First husband was a mirror image of this dude and I took option #2. Best decision I ever made.

 

[Meadbh]

I'm glad she made what I think is the right decision. Time for her DH to grow up and be proud of his DW's achievements, and support her. If he does not, the marriage may still be in trouble.

Bigger picture, I think we forget how recently that this type of behavior was considered normal and acceptable in Western societies. I can remember these discussions in the 70's and it was one reason why I prioritized becoming independent through my career so that I would never be financially dependent on a man. In many parts of the world, the husband's wishes still overrule the wife's. We still need to be feminists.

 

[Brat]

Indeed. When I accepted my husband's position it was in the 70s.

 

[sunnysideup]

As a female director level, I am happy for her and hope it works out. My ex is an ex because he did not support my career among many other control- related issues and extreme narcissism.

When I started doing well in my career, my DS was young and I had make lots of decisions to make sure I took care of him. It wasn't easy and I divorced his dad when he was 6. So my career had several changes as I tried to be there to see him grow up, but still maintain my career growth.

For me, growth meant continued learning but not necessarily getting promoted all the time. I had titles up to director and back down to manager and back up to director, not due to poor performance but my choice to be there for him.

I married again when DS was a teenager and it was great to have a husband who was supportive of my career, and who always offered to do some of the errands or pickups.

I don't regret my choice, DS grew up well adjusted, just graduated college in May, with no additional semesters, and got a job 6 weeks after graduation. I think having a role model who was happy and successful in her work helped him make his career choice and give him a focus and goal.

So my point is that a working mom can have a successful career and happy kids as long as she remembers her kids come before work...AND if her husband is supportive.

 

[chris2008]

Good that she took the decision to go ahead.
If you feel that you need to support her, you could deliver her this argument:
If he supports her enough in parenthood her promotions make it even safer for him to ER, and if all works out very well she might even retire early together with him.

She should also consider which role models she wants to implement into her kids.