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-   -   Why you might want to disinherit your kids (https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f28/why-you-might-want-to-disinherit-your-kids-87616.html)

kcowan 07-19-2017 08:47 AM

My Dad was told by his bank manager that his will was no good (it left everything 50-50 to his two sons) so he took it from the safe deposit box and tore it up! We found a retired lawyer to sit with him in the LR and recreate it. He left 100% of the house to my brother and the cottage plus cash to me. The rest split 50-50.

My brother constantly wanted to be compensated for the unfairness of this arrangement. I always offered to switch because I thought it was fair. Bro never took me up on the offer. When Dad eventually died 7 years later, the arrangement turned out to be very close to fair with a slight $ benefit to the house.

Even people who get along get emotional during inheritances!

bloom2708 07-19-2017 09:11 AM

You spend it. Your kids spend it. Someone else spends it.

I choose we spend it or our kids spend it.

haha 07-19-2017 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan (Post 1911605)
My Dad was told by his bank manager that his will was no good (it left everything 50-50 to his two sons) so he took it from the safe deposit box and tore it up! We found a retired lawyer to sit with him in the LR and recreate it. He left 100% of the house to my brother and the cottage plus cash to me. The rest split 50-50.

My brother constantly wanted to be compensated for the unfairness of this arrangement. I always offered to switch because I thought it was fair. Bro never took me up on the offer. When Dad eventually died 7 years later, the arrangement turned out to be very close to fair with a slight $ benefit to the house.

Even people who get along get emotional during inheritances!

I am one of 4 children, and we were probably no more smooth with one another than most families. But when an (equal) inheritance came along, I think it made all of us happy and feeling that our parents clearly loved us.

Ha

socca 07-19-2017 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet (Post 1911283)
However, there are other very legitimate reasons to leave unequal inheritances. One that comes to mind is the case of leaving more to the child who was there for you.

The counter-argument is that in this case the inheritance ceases to be a gift but rather becomes a payment for services rendered. And, the caregiving child is not giving support but rather participating in a transaction where compensation is expected.

My thinking on this topic is still evolving, but currently I'm convinced that zero expectation of receiving a future gift is the only way to do financial planning.

NW-Bound 07-19-2017 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha (Post 1908297)
Also, I would feel like a fraud if I said to my kids, "I will want and need your help as I get old and perhaps sick. But as to your needs, handle them yourselves you lazy good for nothings!"

+1

Investornew 07-19-2017 09:26 PM

Disowning children can have long term and unforeseen consequences. It can also cause costly legal problems if the will is contested by those who are disinherited. For anyone who wants to disinherit a child, I suggest you at least explain this to them before you die so that it won't come as a surprise.

bclover 07-20-2017 04:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Investornew (Post 1911984)
Disowning children can have long term and unforeseen consequences. It can also cause costly legal problems if the will is contested by those who are disinherited. For anyone who wants to disinherit a child, I suggest you at least explain this to them before you die so that it won't come as a surprise.

So it doesn't come as a surprise??? why do kids in this country "expect" an inheritance anyway?? So if mom and dad have given kids a great life from birth to adulthood, said kids still expect a money grab when said parents die and if they don't get one, they are then left with the feeling they are "unloved".

yikes.

Why should anyone have to explain what they do with their dough and how deep into the family does this go? if John has a fortune, when he goes does his brothers and sisters expect a windfall? If they aren't gifted do they feel "unloved". What about Oprah? she has no kids, if she leaves her relatives squat are they then mad?

Man, the more I read the more it reaffirms my belief to give away every single dime I have before I die. If after hopefully 80+ years of love, support and all the other stuff that went into raising said kids, they still feel "unloved" because they now aren't getting a wad of cash, ain't a darn thing I even want to do about it.

And what about poor folks, do their kids feel slighted because they aren't given chunks of money?

Danmar 07-20-2017 07:07 AM

Every body has their own views on this topic. I agree that parents don't "owe" their kids an inheritance. Kids don't "owe" their parents any support in old age either. But, in my view, it's wonderful if both exist. Obviously, you can't give more to your kids than is comfortable given your means and lifestyle desires. The relationship you have with your kids and your kids' personality could certainly impact any legacy objectives.

But having said all that, why wouldn't you want to help your kids out, either during your life or on your demise? I certainly do.

NW-Bound 07-20-2017 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar (Post 1912048)
Every body has their own views on this topic. I agree that parents don't "owe" their kids an inheritance. Kids don't "owe" their parents any support in old age either. But, in my view, it's wonderful if both exist. Obviously, you can't give more to your kids than is comfortable given your means and lifestyle desires. The relationship you have with your kids and your kids' personality could certainly impact any legacy objectives.

But having said all that, why wouldn't you want to help your kids out, either during your life or on your demise? I certainly do.

+1

My two children are now established, and really appreciative of the help and guidance that we have given them. They do not know how much money we have, and do not expect that we will leave them with anything. They keep telling us that we should spend more (like buying a stinkin' Tesla? :) ).

I don't think that they will care less about us if we are broke. On the other hand, if I have some money left when I die, why should I not leave it to them?

PS. If we were broke due to some unfortunate circumstances beyond our control and not due to our stupidity, I believe they would pitch in to help us out.

bclover 07-20-2017 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar (Post 1912048)
Every body has their own views on this topic. I agree that parents don't "owe" their kids an inheritance. Kids don't "owe" their parents any support in old age either. But, in my view, it's wonderful if both exist. Obviously, you can't give more to your kids than is comfortable given your means and lifestyle desires. The relationship you have with your kids and your kids' personality could certainly impact any legacy objectives.

But having said all that, why wouldn't you want to help your kids out, either during your life or on your demise? I certainly do.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out the mindset that if you don't give your children an inheritance they won't feel "loved" or if one gets more than the other they will then feel "unloved". ???

Personally I loved my husband more than life itself. If he had left me nary a dime I absolutely still will have felt the same. I miss him more with each passing day and would gladly give every last sou I had to have one more nanosecond with him. I'm glad my sons feel the same.

like I said, we always rejected the idea of inheritances simply for the reason of amount being left=amount of love that seems to be very prevalent here. My kids know this and love me simply for being mom, lol although one is without his car for 2 weeks for texting and driving so he may not be feeling the love.

They also grew up in a multi-generational household so once again, having grandma or grandpa in the house is normal and not conditioned on whether one is going to be "paid" back. I grew up with my grandmother, her brother, my family in the house. I would never think "I took care of mama so I should get more".


If I kicked the bucket today. 85% of my estate would go to the scholarship program we set up why my hubby died. 10% would go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. the remaining 5% would help go to the kids with some stipulations. I'll have to ask them if they'll feel hurt by this.

It's all good

cathy63 07-20-2017 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bclover (Post 1912057)
If I kicked the bucket today. 85% of my estate would go to the scholarship program we set up why my hubby died. 10% would go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. the remaining 5% would help go to the kids with some stipulations. I'll have to ask them if they'll feel hurt by this.

It's all good

Good for you for leaving your money to organizations that will benefit. I don't think people here are saying that you shouldn't leave your money to charity, or that doing so will make your sons feel unloved. I find your plan very admirable and I believe your sons would too.

But what if you change your will to leave that 5% of your estate to son #1 and nothing to son #2? When son #2 finds this out after you die, do you think he will still feel that you loved him as much as you loved his brother? Do you think this might poison his future relationship with his brother? If son #2 feels absolutely no hurt or resentment at being disinherited without warning, then he is a very unusual person.

kcowan 07-20-2017 10:29 AM

What do you posters think about kids that reject their parents. BIL left home in 1990 and never had any contact with his parents after leaving. No cards, no calls, no forwarding addresses.

Music Lover 07-20-2017 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bclover (Post 1912057)
like I said, we always rejected the idea of inheritances simply for the reason of amount being left=amount of love that seems to be very prevalent here.

I think you're seeing something that isn't there. No one has said that you have to leave your kids money to prove that you love them, but several have said that leaving unequal amounts without explanation can be taken the wrong way, or that leaving too much money to an irresponsible child could be a mistake.

Walt34 07-20-2017 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan (Post 1912181)
What do you posters think about kids that reject their parents. BIL left home in 1990 and never had any contact with his parents after leaving. No cards, no calls, no forwarding addresses.

Much depends on why he left. Was he being abused? That would certainly justify his actions.

A guy I went to high school with told me that when he graduated from high school his father told him that he had 30 days to move out. I think that's a bit harsh. The guy joined the Navy, I never heard from him again and I wouldn't be surprised if his parents, or at least the father, never did either.

mpeirce 07-20-2017 03:51 PM

> Kids don't "owe" their parents any support in old age either.

Isn't honoring your parents one of the big 10?

Among other things, I take that to mean I have an obligation to look after them. Especially when they can't look after themselves.

Just my take on it.

Blue Collar Guy 07-20-2017 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan (Post 1912181)
What do you posters think about kids that reject their parents. BIL left home in 1990 and never had any contact with his parents after leaving. No cards, no calls, no forwarding addresses.

Maybe he is the victim of foul play?

Blue Collar Guy 07-20-2017 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mpeirce (Post 1912328)
> Kids don't "owe" their parents any support in old age either.

Isn't honoring your parents one of the big 10?

Among other things, I take that to mean I have an obligation to look after them. Especially when they can't look after themselves.

Just my take on it.

The big 10, Hahaha. Never heard that one. I especially follow that one.

Redbugdave 07-20-2017 07:51 PM

Many times these inheritances are used as a tool for parents to manipulate their kids for control. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. Some kids leave and do their own thing.

redduck 07-20-2017 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NW-Bound (Post 1912050)
+1

My two children are now established, and really appreciative of the help and guidance that we have given them. They do not know how much money we have, and do not expect that we will leave them with anything...

Unlike my good friend NW-Bound, my adult kids do know how much money I have. However, I'm not sure it was a wise decision to let them know. They always seem disappointed when I answer the telephone in the morning. I guess that's OK. It's not like I haven't disappointed them before. Yet, somehow this feels different...

Blueskies123 07-20-2017 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet (Post 1908310)
Mr. Ha, Sir,

+1

Your insight is right on! A multi-generational family that can pull together for the common good reasonably well is a blessing to all that enjoy it. The author's Theory X approach where you assume your offspring are self-centered slackards might be a mistake for many of us.

In my somewhat broad experience, about 70% of the time these so called " multi-generational family's" just stop working, buy homes all over the world, really expensive cars, and in general squander the money. A lot more good would be done by donating the money to a worthy charity.


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