My sister-in-law is missing - again

[REWahoo]

My sister-in-law, age 82, is missing and this isn't the first time she's disappeared. She left in her car at 7:30 PM yesterday and didn't return home.

She is a widow (my brother died in a car accident in 2004) who lives with my nephew and his wife in a large city and seems to anyone who meets her to be totally fine both mentally and physically. That's clearly not so as she has, on at least three occasions over the past year, decided to drive to the grocery store or some other local destination, departing either in the evening or late at night, becoming confused and lost. Each time the police found her and got her home. Once she was stopped at 2AM going the wrong way on a one-way street. Her son and his wife are unwilling (so far) to do anything to prevent this from happening beyond talking to her, which obviously isn't working. I think he is afraid of his mother, something you wouldn't expect from a man in his late 50's. Or maybe he doesn't want to be saddled with the responsibility of taking her on errands and listening to her complain she can't drive. But whatever the case, it is frustrating and scary.

Yes, I have pointed out to him she is a danger to both herself and to other people. I've asked him how he would feel if she injured or killed someone. I've discussed with him the need to get her to a doctor but he says she refuses as they are all “quacks.” I've suggested hiding her car keys or disabling her car but he has so far not given any indication he is willing take any action. DW says I've shown "remarkable restraint" in resisting the urge to scream at him during these discussions...

The police have been notified she is missing. Hopefully she will turn up soon before something bad happens. And maybe, just maybe, this time my nephew will finally grow a pair and do something!

 

[bclover]

Aah wahoo sorry to hear that.
Very timely issue. Last month my youngest son's car was totaled in an accident. A 78 yo driver got confused and turned directly into my sons lane hitting him and 4 other cars before careening off to the side. Turns out his family did take his keys but he snuck the spare from his daughter. He had no insurance and his license was expired. The only reason why no one was injured was because thankfully it was rush hour and no one was going more than 30 mph

Wishing you best of luck in finding a resolution. Not easy

 

[Bamaman]

She need the state authorities to suspend her drivers license. The car needs to be sold.

GPS tracking systems are readily available for such a situation. You can see them moving around on a Mapquest page.

 

[golfnut]

OP - not sure if this is a solution but can you anonymously advise the local authorities of this situation?

 

[MichaelB]

REWahoo, let's hope she is found and returned to her home without incident. If your nephew hasn't stood up to this by now, what will it take for him to change? Not a good situation at all.

A GPS tracker like the one Bamaman mentions is a good idea. If you could do it without the nephew knowing - it might make him feel even less willing to step in.

 

[REWahoo]

OP - not sure if this is a solution but can you anonymously advise the local authorities of this situation?

Since the cops have brought her home each time, I'm reasonably sure they are aware of the situation. I'm hoping this time when (if) they bring her home, it will be 'the last straw' for someone - the local authorities or my nephew.

 

[bingybear]

Short of a guardianship, what can you do if she doesn't want any offered help?

 

[Silver]

My DSIL had early onset Alzheimer's starting at age 60 years. Episodes similar to what you describe started happening when she was going to some store for something, and never came home. These episodes contributed to her finally getting the diagnosis.

Law enforcement found her and returned her a few times, but after maybe the fourth time they warned my DBIL that since he was considered the responsible person, he may be held accountable for allowing her to drive, and could face charges. I think 'Endangering the Public" or something like that. He hid the keys immediately.

 

[Mdlerth]

Parental domination knows no age limits

Sounds like nephew is trying to shy away from confrontation.

When my late uncle began to exhibit forgetfulness behind the wheel, his in-town daughter got the state Dept of Motor Vehicles involved. They investigated and ended up revoking his license. She got his keys, sold his vehicle and deposited the proceeds in his account. He fussed about it, but blamed The State instead of my cousin.

The DMV encounters elderly driver situations regularly, and understands the family relationships involved. They were perfectly willing to be the bureaucratic bad guy, sparing my cousin any recriminations from her dad. They never told my uncle that she was the one who fingered him; they just said they had received complaints about his driving.

 

[Walt34]

The DMV encounters elderly driver situations regularly, and understands the family relationships involved. They were perfectly willing to be the bureaucratic bad guy, sparing my cousin any recriminations from her dad. They never told my uncle that she was the one who fingered him; they just said they had received complaints about his driving.

This.

Most states have a program similar to what Mdlerth describes. It is possible the SIL will pass a driver's test. My FIL did, barely, and I would have bet my next retirement check that he'd fail. But the state did not tell him that I was the one who wrote the letter to the MVA, which was a good thing. I actually did really like the guy but it was clear he was a danger to himself and others.

But if you write the letter to the state vehicle administration describing her actions and driving and she passes the driver's test, at least you can say you did all you could.

 

[NW-Bound]

Short of a guardianship, what can you do if she doesn't want any offered help?

+1

Forced guardianship, I might add.

Some elderly people can be kept safe from themselves and from hurting bystanders only by locking them up!

And who has that authority?

 

[Walt34]

Some elderly people can be kept safe from themselves and from hurting bystanders only by locking them up!

And who has that authority?

A judge can order it. But getting there is a high bar to clear (as it should be) and will require the opinions of at least two doctors and perhaps a psychiatrist depending on state law. You're talking about using the power of the state to take away the freedom of someone who probably hasn't committed any crime at all. Judges are loathe to do that without some very compelling evidence.

 

[NW-Bound]

Yes. That's the problem.

Elderlies can be extremely stubborn. So, in real life you can only wait until somebody gets hurt. Hopefully, not too badly.

 

[harley]

Elderlies can be extremely stubborn.

Whereas we youngsters are always so reasonable and agreeable.

 

[Bamaman]

Yes. That's the problem.

Elderlies can be extremely stubborn. So, in real life you can only wait until somebody gets hurt. Hopefully, not too badly.

With dementia also comes changes in personality and sometimes they get aggressive.

With my aunt, we just wouldn't let her find her car keys. We finally moved her back to her home town into a really nice assisted living. She told every one she met that her nephews kidnapped her and brought her to this awful place. She lasted another 10 years and made it to 3 months shy of 100 years.

 

[Dtail]

She need the state authorities to suspend her drivers license. The car needs to be sold.

GPS tracking systems are readily available for such a situation. You can see them moving around on a Mapquest page.

+1 on car takeaway or at least the GPS idea.

 

[Chuckanut]

I am sorry to hear about your sister-in-law and I hope she is returned to you in one piece and not caused harm to anybody else.

She seems similar to my father who was to stubborn to admit he limitations. On one trip to visit him, he drove us home from the train station. His driving was so bad that when we arrived at my parent's place I told my wife that was the last time he drives with any of in the car, especially our children. Thankfully, he was due for a driving test in a few months. He failed it. Of course, it was all the fault of the tester who didn't like him.
He never hurt anybody. But, if he had a few more years on his license, I think the odds are he would have hurt himself, my mother or some innocent bystander. We would have had to do something to stop him.

 

[Spock]

I'm going through the same thing with my 83yo father.
Its not a simple matter of "growing a pair".
Everyone hopes their parents will be reasonable and logical... agreeing calmly when it's time to give up the car keys and/or the check book.
Nope.

I could post a long list of examples that would call into question Dad's competency and/or capacity (https://www.the-hospitalist.org/hos...ne-if-my-patient-has-decision-making-capacity)
His primary care physician was concerned enough to spontaneously administer the most commonly used MMSE evaluation... you can take it yourself here: http://www.dementiatoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/MiniMentalStateExamination.pdf
Since Dad can still count backwards from 100 by 7, knows what day/year/month it is, and can copy the picture in the test, his score is enough to be "OK".

NOTHING in this test assesses critical thinking (he sends hundreds of $ per month to every scam that gets crammed into his mailbox), or ability to anticipate future consequences of today's decisions (he wants to cancel his LTC insurance because the premiums are too expensive... less than 1/4 of what he sends to scammers). He forgot he signed a $5K loan to buy hearing aids... He thought they just gave them to him for a 30 day trial.

As a previous poster said, about the only way to take somebodies liberties away is for them to get involved in some sort of triggering accident/event and just hope they don't hurt somebody else in the process.
But... if they're still "under qualified" to be institutionalized, now what?

 

[Teacher Terry]

In CA when you get diagnosed with dementia the doctor calls the DMV and your license gets taken away. Here they don't do that. I sure hope they find her unharmed and she has not hurt anyone else with her driving.

 

[REWahoo]

I'm going through the same thing with my 83yo father.
Its not a simple matter of "growing a pair".

In your situation I agree.

In the case of my nephew, there is no reason whatsoever he cannot hide her car keys or disconnect the battery cable to her car. That would solve the immediate problem of her driving off and getting lost.

 

[NW-Bound]

Whereas we youngsters are always so reasonable and agreeable.

... until some forbidden subjects come up.

 

[NW-Bound]

A big part of the difficulty is this:

...She is a widow (my brother died in a car accident in 2004) who lives with my nephew and his wife in a large city and seems to anyone who meets her to be totally fine both mentally and physically. That's clearly not so ...

Yes, these elderlies can be very wily in hiding their deficiencies, and fool people easily. It's only by knowing them better that one discovers that their reasoning ability is all shot, their memory a blur.

 

[wmc1000]

REWahoo, sorry to hear about your SIL - Have the police put out a BOLO or are they waiting a certain time period for a missing persons report? Please keep us apprised and we hope for a safe conclusion.

 

[REWahoo]

REWahoo, sorry to hear about your SIL - Have the police put out a BOLO or are they waiting a certain time period for a missing persons report?

Not sure. All my nephew said this morning was "the local police are involved."

I'm trying to contact him for an update.

 

[gauss]

Sorry to hear about the situation REWahoo. That must put you in a stressful position.

That being said, this does hit a bit close to home. http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/images/smilies/hide.gif

If their is no conservatorship / guardianship in place, is it really the responsibility of another family member to try to manage the behavior of an uncooperative family member?

In my case, as a son, it seems like my opinions and facts on many matters are valued lower than anyone's. In discussing with friends we have seen this pattern. Often the spouse of the child will be taken more seriously than the child themselves because they are an outsider and have never had a parent-child relationship.

Cannot anyone petition a court to try to setup something like this if they feel that the person is a significant danger to themselves or others?

We face additional risks every day in living in a society that values individual freedoms.

There can be auto accidents cause by many reasons. Distraction, Drunk, Drowsy, Disoriented etc. IMHO, there is some responsibility on the part of other drivers on the road to be aware of these risks and drive defensively.

This may be tougher issue for me than others in that me in that I never had children and never pursued managerial positions at work specifically because I did not want to be directly responsible for others.

I believe that I have a moral responsibility to care for my mother, but not necessarily to attempt to control her.

Complex Issue.

-gauss