Explaining ER to people and looked down

Had my parents still been alive they would have been thrilled to know that I, we, had been able to retire early and enjoy life.

I have no doubt they would have encouraged us to do so if we had the financial resources to make it happen.
 
Eight years in, I find the less said, the better. My family and close friends all know I retired from my big MC job eight years ago, but I really don't talk specifics and I have not had many questions.
 
brett said:
Had my parents still been alive they would have been thrilled to know that I, we, had been able to retire early and enjoy life.

I have no doubt they would have encouraged us to do so if we had the financial resources to make it happen.
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I don't know, but I suspect my late parents would have been the same. Both of my older brothers retired back in the early to mid 1990's at around 51-53 years old (I forgot), and I never heard about them getting any negative input about it from our parents.
 
I had an acquaintance recently tell me that not everyone can retire like I did. It was a veiled attempt to make me feel guilty for my position in life. I told him that I planned my way in life by having goals, living below my means, and investing heavily. It was not by happenstance and was a long term plan. I worked rotating shifts my career and put up with a lot of crap that would have made others move on and that is what made me do what I did. There are a lot of people out there that just don't "get it", and their boat has already sailed off into the sunset. I do not feel in any way guilty for being financially independent and living the life of Riley.
 
W2R said:
I don't know, but I suspect my late parents would have been the same. Both of my older brothers retired back in the early to mid 1990's at around 51-53 years old (I forgot), and I never heard about them getting any negative input about it from our parents.
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My parents, especially my father, were thrilled that I was able to retire early, as I could not find work anyway.
 
Dtail said:
My parents, especially my father, were thrilled that I was able to retire early, as I could not find work anyway.
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I think my mom would have been very happy for me retiring in 2008 at 45, had she still been alive. She retired in 1991 on disability at age 55. She had a nasty form of Leukemia, fought it valiantly for 4 years, and enjoyed life before passing away in 1995 at age 59.

She got me started in investing in 1990, planting the seed which would grow and grow and grow until I was able to retire 18 years later. She did know my portfolio had reached $100k by the time she passed away. I find it bittersweet that she would never know how much that "seed" grew over the years.
 
A w*rk colleague once said that he turned down a better paying job because the time off benefit was "just normal." He told them, "I need more time off than the average bear."

That seems like a good comeback for those who are looking for one.

-BB
 
I've probably handled it in a bad way. I ER'd 10 months ago at 59 1/2 and still have not told any of my side of the family. My wife has one brother and he knows. My brothers and sisters (with the exception of youngest sister) chose not to go to college and stay around the small rural area. They have done fine as carpenters, farmers and a married a funeral director. But most there do the more traditional retirement at 65 and live mostly off of SS. So for now, I have chosen to remain quiet as to not create any potential uncomfortable feelings. I think only one time I have been asked "how is work going?" I responded "fine, just the usual." Do to Covid, I have not seen them in a year so not many situations to discuss. I have always preached investing to them and their adult children at the family get togethers, so maybe they would not be so surprised.
 
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My perspective is that it is simply not my problem if someone gets uncomfortable feelings because I decided to retire early. We certainly did not advertise it or try to disguise it in any way. Besides, most people got the message when we sold our home, stored our belongings, and disappeared for seven months.

Not my problem to deal with. Nothing we can control. It is their issue, not ours.

What should we have done.....not retired early because some people would be uncomfortable, envious, or perhaps feel that we were lazy bums?

Hardly. We got on with enjoying our retirement.

We are always happy when good things happen to our friends or relatives. A new job, new car, vacation, new home, retirement, good success in the stock market, bonus, promotion, graduation, medical recovery, etc. Cannot imagine feeling resentful or uncomfortable over someone else's good fortune.

I think that it comes down to attitude. It is not about us or our feelings, it is about them.
 
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Koolau said:
Although neither of my parents would (did) embrace early retirement, I wish they had been around to see me FIRE. They would have embraced my decision and been happy - because I was happy.
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+1

My parents perceived me (and my siblings) as hard workers. While they were proud of our accomplishments - particularly as they were immigrants who had to deal with a lot of racism and discrimination - they also worried that we were working too hard. In my adulthood they would frequently ask if I was getting rest, was my family getting enough vacation time, etc. My dad retired at 70 and had 2 good years before he fell ill with cancer and soon died. After that my mom would always talk about the great time they had for those 2 years and her hope that her children would be able to retire at an earlier age and have more of that time.
 
livingalmostlarge said:
So I'm going to start with by saying my mom insulted me yesterday by saying that I need to get off my behind and get a job and not be a lady of leisure.* Maybe not right now with covid but soon I need to get back to working full time.* For sure when the kids are in middle and high school I need to be working full time.* I need a career and stop depending on my DH for income.* I am certainly cannot be doing nothing when they go to college.





I said nothing to not start a fight not worth fighting.* But the truth is I don't plan on really going back to work full time now, I don't see myself having a "career", and I don't think we need to work that much longer.* We've been hitting a lot of numbers that point to retiring before the kids go to college, but DH wants to work until they are done.* He's not ready and i'm not fighting.**Also we're close to our number at 41 and 43. If we don't save another penny I think we are done at 54 and 55 like we planned 2034. If we do save we'll likely be done sooner.



But how do you tell people (mostly family) that you don't need to work and are done? My mom and that generation (my aunts and uncles are like 65-75 and still working) because it is their identity.* They have no identity except working.* And they view people who retire as lazy and unmotivated and I was also told I wasted my education by not working now and I don't have a career. She can't wrap her head around me not being career driven, climbing the ladder and I really need to be going back and getting on the ladder.* What is my problem?* That's another argument not worth having.*



But seriously I don't want to do it and I like what I do working part-time usually. But it's not a career per se it's just work. I don't particularly care. My DH loves his career and he switched later in life and he constantly doesn't want to stop. If we end up with more than expected sooner would he stop? I don't know. He's classic OMY.



But how do you explain maybe not to strangers but certainly to family why you aren't working? My family gives me a lot of grief for not working. They are like you should be working. Why aren't you going out and making bacon? I don't even touch what we have saved or how it's going. But it's obvious that we are fine. We don't take a penny from anyone and never have.



I feel like family put their nose where it doesn't belong versus strangers probably are reticent at questioning how you are RE. I also feel more people get being "stay at home parent" so it's a free pass about not working. But for my family? They don't get why I don't work and how will we ever retire?
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As a full grown woman. You can lovingly but firmly tell your mom she is overstepping a bit. Some parents have a hard time seeing their children as adults. Sounds like she needs to be reminded.
Your family and what is good for you is what matters. Not what others might think about it...
 
scrabbler1 said:
I think my mom would have been very happy for me retiring in 2008 at 45, had she still been alive. She retired in 1991 on disability at age 55. She had a nasty form of Leukemia, fought it valiantly for 4 years, and enjoyed life before passing away in 1995 at age 59.

She got me started in investing in 1990, planting the seed which would grow and grow and grow until I was able to retire 18 years later. She did know my portfolio had reached $100k by the time she passed away. I find it bittersweet that she would never know how much that "seed" grew over the years.
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I think she would have been very happy about that. My Dad lived to almost 91 and worked very hard in his life. He had an upbringing that would bring most people to their knees these days (raised in an orphanage where the kids were expected to work the land including the slaughterhouse) and worked harder for what he had than most people I have known. Nonetheless, when I retired, he was genuinely happy for me and celebrated my accomplishments often. While the military pension is gold, without the financial teachings of my parents, it would probably be used to "cover the mortgage" and that's about it.

In the end, being retired allowed me to help him out in the last couple of years and I think we were closer than ever when he passed and I am eternally grateful that I was able to be there for him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if my early retirement was OK with my Dad then I don't really give a rat's arse what others think/say.
 
scrabbler1 said:
I think my mom would have been very happy for me retiring in 2008 at 45, had she still been alive. She retired in 1991 on disability at age 55. She had a nasty form of Leukemia, fought it valiantly for 4 years, and enjoyed life before passing away in 1995 at age 59.

She got me started in investing in 1990, planting the seed which would grow and grow and grow until I was able to retire 18 years later. She did know my portfolio had reached $100k by the time she passed away. I find it bittersweet that she would never know how much that "seed" grew over the years.
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I told my mom a year or two before she died that we had saved over $1M.
She disappeared from the room for about 20 seconds, when she came back she said congratulations, I'm really happy for you. I never will figure what the disappearance was about. I don't now if she was flabbergasted, or if she thought I should have supported her more. But she did seem happy about it.
 
OP, as much as this conversation was irritating to you, it sounds like it was out of love. Your mom is probably just concerned about you and your security. Maybe she's worried that you and your husband could go through a divorce, and you will be left in a bad position financially. That has happened to a couple of friends of mine. :(
 
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So no it's not contrived. I am busy and sorry I haven't been on enough. I guess I need to be on for people's desires.

But no undergrad public and ivy graduate. I paid for ivy myself and had some loans for undergrad. I went into something I didn't particularly love because my parents wanted it. WRONG reason. Instead I'm telling my kids do what you love and the money will follow. My parents were stereotypical you must be a dr crap. They refuse to this day to believe you can do a different career and make money. To them they have no idea how DH makes money. It's literally incomprehensible. Let alone that he makes as much as he does. It's more than most drs.

Earlygirl and W2W thank you. I just needed to the perspective of a concerned parent and why I didn't do anything more than nod. It's more than just defining herself by work. I don't like defining myself by work. Even before FIRE was a thing I was always thinking about what I would do after working.

The answer back in my 20s was I had no idea but I didn't want to work longer than necessary. I don't know when we'll hit out number. My DH seems to have no desire to stop working. I don't know if he cares even if we hit the number he keeps looking at me like it's crazy. My suspicion is i'll have to drag him kicking and screaming.
 
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I ER'd at 58. When asked "What do you do?", I would tell people I was Independently Wealthy, or if I was feeling cheeky, I would tell the, "Whatever the f*ck I want!" Now, at 70, I just say that I'm retired.
 
skyking1 said:
looking back at the OP, there is no small amount of concern about her being dependent on her husband's income. That is a genuine concern for many. i imagine her mom has seen wives who have been left in a lurch and have no means or experience to make their own way. Just a thought.
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+1. She may not have phrased it diplomatically, but that was my thought as well. She is probably a more "hope for the best but plan for the worst" kind of person. Some stay at home parents do find themselves in a tough spot later in life, with the working spouse becoming disabled, passing away or wanting a divorce. Mom might be worried she would be expected to step in and help out if a situation like that arose, especially with grandkids involved.


We try to MYOB with our adult kids, unless they ask for advice, but I do make sure when they change jobs they get gap health insurance if needed, because if something major happened I don't want to have to choose between one of our kids' medical care and our life savings.
 
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Redbugdave said:
I had an acquaintance recently tell me that not everyone can retire like I did. It was a veiled attempt to make me feel guilty for my position in life.
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I've heard that one too. Like it's this amazing insight. Of course not everyone can retire like you did. Some people work until they die, & some people never even start careers to retire from. And if everyone retired early, it wouldn't be called retiring *early* it would just be called retiring.
 
Just to add on...my parents were very happy when I retired, more time to spend with them! Dad died last June and along with my sister I was able to help and be with him and Mom a lot.
 
The only person who you should care and be concerned about their opinion is your DH. If the two of you have it firmly in hand that he loves his career and emotionally supports you not having a career and/or work PT, then it is no one else's business how you run your life.

My DW works still and I ER'd at 56 a few years ago. We couldn't be happier (well, until she retires then we'll be really happy).
 
To illustrate my point above, we know a family where the stay at home parent, who didn't work much before kids or after they were in school full-time, passed away, and then the working parent was downsized and never found a comparable paying position. Now the grandmother has spent her retirement time and finances supporting the remaining parent and kids.

I don't know if in this case the grandmother ever gave financial advice to the family before the passing, but in her case it did turn into her business. The remaining parent really depends on her. If the OPs' mother knows a family like this, she may have a legitimate concern. She is different from a nosy neighbor or coworker, as the neighbors and coworkers aren't going to have to spend their retirement time and savings raising the grandkids if the OPs plan don't work out.
 
Fortunately when it comes to family I don’t have to explain why I stopped working since I was the last one to stop.

As far as others beyond family, when the topic comes up my response is a very vague, “I don’t work anymore”. That usually causes the conversation to go in a different direction.

It’s really no ones business where our income comes from. Both wife and I worked very hard, made reasonable and responsible financial decisions and now in our mid-fifties no longer work.
 
I am at a loss as to why an early retiree would actually care what someone else had to say about it or what that person's opinion would be.

Why on earth does it matter so much?
 
daylatedollarshort said:
To illustrate my point above, we know a family where the stay at home parent, who didn't work much before kids or after they were in school full-time, passed away, and then the working parent was downsized and never found a comparable paying position. Now the grandmother has spent her retirement time and finances supporting the remaining parent and kids.

I don't know if in this case the grandmother ever gave financial advice to the family before the passing, but in her case it did turn into her business. The remaining parent really depends on her. If the OPs' mother knows a family like this, she may have a legitimate concern. She is different from a nosy neighbor or coworker, as the neighbors and coworkers aren't going to have to spend their retirement time and savings raising the grandkids if the OPs plan don't work out.
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Thank you! I like hearing the otherside and why I tried to not get upset and just let it go. Nope I wouldn't need to depend on my parents. We've got more than enough to manage. Probably why we overbought on life insurance. When we were younger without much assets I worried about needing time to get back into the workforce. Now that I'm older I worry less about it because we have the assets to fall back on.

Divorce? Who knows. But we also have more assets to split than before and I'd get alimony and child support. Longer we're married more the assets grow. I'd keep the life insurance on him until it's done just in case and that would help.
 
livingalmostlarge said:
Thank you! I like hearing the otherside and why I tried to not get upset and just let it go. Nope I wouldn't need to depend on my parents. We've got more than enough to manage. Probably why we overbought on life insurance. When we were younger without much assets I worried about needing time to get back into the workforce. Now that I'm older I worry less about it because we have the assets to fall back on.

Divorce? Who knows. But we also have more assets to split than before and I'd get alimony and child support. Longer we're married more the assets grow. I'd keep the life insurance on him until it's done just in case and that would help.
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Your mom might feel better if she doesn't already know about your plans in case of disability, death, divorce, stock market drop, downsizing, etc. Or at least just give her some assurances you've thought these all through and have a plan in place for one (or more) of these to happen. We do have members here who ended up caring for adult children or grandchildren so it does happen.
 
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