Big mistakes in retirement

[steelyman]

The point is that you did what you could, Meadbh.

 

[Meadbh]

Thanks, steelyman.

 

[Moemg]

My biggest mistake in retirement was not realizing that as you age your body declines and those trips which looked great when you were still working now look difficult to pull off so if you want to hike , raft , swim with the sharks or visit Machu Picchu do it now before your health gets in the way .

 

[Chuckanut]

My biggest mistake in retirement was not realizing that as you age your body declines and those trips which looked great when you were still working now look difficult to pull off so if you want to hike , raft , swim with the sharks or visit Machu Picchu do it now before your health gets in the way .

I've learned from my elders to get as much done as I can before 80. Most of the elders are still reasonably mobile well into their 70s. 80 seems to be a tipping point for most. Of course there are plenty of younger and older exceptions to argue against the above.

 

[Act2]

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[Act2]

The problem I have faced is wonderful but stubborn elderly relatives who not only want to be cared for 'by family' but who adamantly refuse to move closer to the generation that could provide the care. If they live hundreds/thousands of miles from the desired provider(s), that's just not realistic. Nor is any idea that anyone still working would necessarily be able to quit their job to care give. We have a very small family, and I seem to mostly be "the one" who will step forward. But I am also single, hundreds of miles away from them, and need to support myself, so there are limits to what I can realistically do.


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[aja8888]

I've learned from my elders to get as much done as I can before 80. Most of the elders are still reasonably mobile well into their 70s. 80 seems to be a tipping point for most. Of course there are plenty of younger and older exceptions to argue against the above.

I might be one of those exceptions being able to do a lot of things I did 20 years ago now at 70 1/2. I still work on my car and just replaced all four wheel bearings, radiator, transmission fluid and filter, etc. This was recently completed in 90+ weather. I built a workshop out in our garage this winter (workbench, shelving, cabinets, storage area, etc), and changed two toilets in the house. I cut down two trees and dug a 60 foot trench for a new gas line in the back yard also this Spring. I still cut my own grass and do all the yardwork that needs being done.

One thing that is obvious is my ability to recover from a hard job like above. I don't have any problem with movement, etc the next day, but I don't seem to have the ambition to get back to a big project until after the next day. I'm sure a few more years of this stuff will turn out to be a different story.

Like said above, get all the vacations in and big self-done projects before your joints stiffen up and your staying power has a shorter timeline.

 

[W2R]

Good idea to get strenuous vacations and projects done early in retirement. My mother was going on vacations to Europe until she was 85+ and quite arthritic, and my brother climbed Macchu Picchu at age 68 and 100 pounds overweight. But let's face it, although they had physical problems they were not really bad off, and just plain lucky compared with many/most seniors. I don't necessarily expect to be able to do much of anything at those ages, despite doing my best at the gym right now. Maybe I will be lucky, but who knows? A lot of people just aren't physically able to engage in strenuous travel or projects as they grow older and I suspect that usually it isn't their fault, it's just the luck of the draw.

Just the thought of moving is sounding like a whole lot more effort to F and me now, than it did five years ago.

Extending this line of thought, the capricious nature of declining physical capability is yet another reason to prepare for early retirement just in case, even if one wants to work longer.

 

[REWahoo]

Just the thought of moving is sounding like a whole lot more effort to F and me now, than it did five years ago.

You guys better git while the gittin's good...

 

[athena53]

Like said above, get all the vacations in and big self-done projects before your joints stiffen up and your staying power has a shorter timeline.

Absolutely. There were mixed blessings in marrying a man 15 years older than I am. He's developed some health problems in the last 12 years that have somewhat cramped his style although he's got a positive attitude and we get in at least one major trip a year (this year was Alaska). He's got a bit of a balance problem from a couple of falls, and a creaky back. It was pretty easy for me to do the math and realize that if I retired at 65, he'd be 80, and it would not be a good idea to postpone all the good trips till I retired. So, travel has been a major financial priority (after saving and paying the bills, of course) from the beginning. I'm so glad we did it that way. The travel may have to stop at one point but we've been to wonderful places and have a lot of good stories to tell.

 

[JoeWras]

Great new observation about doing the physical things early and not waiting! This is a big common mistake.

80 is a tipping point. We have a hiking group of very active people. Many drop at or soon after 80. At lot of them "feel it" during their 70s, but are still very much able to deal with strenuous hiking.

And yes, this is an awesome group. Our group consists of 40 to 80 year olds, with an occasional youngster thrown in for good measure.

 

[Katsmeow]

The problem I have faced is wonderful but stubborn elderly relatives who not only want to be cared for 'by family' but who adamantly refuse to move closer to the generation that could provide the care. If they live hundreds/thousands of miles from the desired provider(s), that's just not realistic.

This reminds me a bit of my mother. She is 90 and is doing reasonably well in many ways. She is a bit forgetful, but manages on her own fairly well and stills lives in her own home. I am the only child. She was very close to some of her sisters, but they have all died know except for the one sister who has been estranged for years (and is in much worse shape than my mom).

I live about 250 miles away. We have offered (many times) for her to move in with us and we will drive up and bring her down here for visits as often as she wants.

But, she complains about us not visiting her enough. We have 5 dogs plus we have and the cost to board them to go out of town (there are no other care options) is astronomical. We do it sometimes but can't do it often.

So she wants us to drive up there for a 2 hour visit and then go back home on the same day. We have done that a few times but that is about 9 hours in the car for us to go up there for 2 hours (my kids -- in college -- aren't enthusiastic about spending a weekend day doing that either).

And, when we do visit for a few days (boarding the animals) she gets upset if we visit anyone else during the trip (other people I know or my husband visiting his daughter and grandchildren who live about 30 miles away). Basically, to her, a visit doesn't "count" as being a visit to her unless we spend the entire visit just seeing her. The last trip we spent 3 days up there and we visited someone else for one afternoon/evening and she took the position that we really came up to visit them rather than her. Sigh.

I do want to help her and it would be so much easier if she would move down here. I understand her not liking to live in someone else's house, but I wish she would be more flexible on how we visit. At one point I reconnected with a couple of friends from high school and started to visit them some when we came up to visit her, but she complained so much I just quit doing it (if I could have come up there and spent a few days and seen these friends during the trip I would have been more willing to come up more often. But, she isn't happen with me doing that).

Her only solution to any of this is to tell me to sell or give away our pets so we can all come up and visit. (She also fails to understand why it is hard for the kids to come up and visit for a weekend during the college semester).

OK -- rant over.

 

[Meadbh]

This reminds me a bit of my mother. She is 90 and is doing reasonably well in many ways. She is a bit forgetful, but manages on her own fairly well and stills lives in her own home. I am the only child.

But, she complains about us not visiting her enough. We have 5 dogs plus we have and the cost to board them to go out of town (there are no other care options) is astronomical. We do it sometimes but can't do it often.

So she wants us to drive up there for a 2 hour visit and then go back home on the same day. We have done that a few times but that is about 9 hours in the car for us to go up there for 2 hours (my kids -- in college -- aren't enthusiastic about spending a weekend day doing that either).

Her only solution to any of this is to tell me to sell or give away our pets so we can all come up and visit. (She also fails to understand why it is hard for the kids to come up and visit for a weekend during the college semester).

OK -- rant over.

I sympathize! As we age, some if us regress to our childhood way of thinking, when we thought the world revolved around us. Remember the "terrible twos"? Seen through the eyes of a once again toddler, expectations are not rational and nothing can ever be quite good enough. I have been through this with elderly parents, as have many of my friends. I think Vicente posted about this too before his mother passed. Assuming that depression has been out ruled (which is important) I think it's helpful to try to think of this as a symptom of aging over which the person has no control, and to tune it out as "noise". That can be exceedingly difficult when the aging relative lives with you. I can honestly understand how it can lead to elder abuse. Sometimes an outsider can help the elderly person put things in perspective.

 

[jon-nyc]

I'm surprised no one mentioned our own VA Collector, who retired with his entire nest egg in BofA stock before the financial crisis. There's a terribly depressing thread that took place over the course of a year or more, documenting the collapse of the stock and his determination to 'stay the course'. He ended up going back to work and quit posting here (though he's made a few cameos).

Sad story and it unfolded right before our eyes. He was a real mensch about it, I wish he'd come back and post at some point.

 

[Moemg]

I sympathize! As we age, some if us regress to our childhood way of thinking, when we thought the world revolved around us. Remember the "terrible twos"? Seen through the eyes of a once again toddler, expectations are not rational and nothing can ever be quite good enough. I have been through this with elderly parents, as have many of my friends..

This really hits home. My Mom had my Sister drive three hours in a snow storm so she could have clean sheets when she had a cold .My Sister was nuts to do it but she always gives in to my Mom's demands . She had me drive 2 1/2 hours to take her to the beauty parlor .I am flying up to visit her next week and I am sure my days will be filled with errands including buying depends .I love my Mom but she can be exhausting .Two years ago she broke her shoulder so I went up to help her . Thank God for wine !

 

[samclem]

I'm surprised no one mentioned our own VA Collector, who retired with his entire nest egg in BofA stock before the financial crisis. There's a terribly depressing thread that took place over the course of a year or more, documenting the collapse of the stock and his determination to 'stay the course'. He ended up going back to work and quit posting here (though he's made a few cameos).

Sad story and it unfolded right before our eyes. He was a real mensch about it, I wish he'd come back and post at some point.

He's still here. He posted recently about his wife wanting a new electric buggy of some sort.
You are right, he took a big hit due to his concentrated holdings in B0fA, but he just did what he had to do and moved on. I hope I'd be as big if it happened to me.

 

[Meadbh]

This really hits home. My Mom had my Sister drive three hours in a snow storm so she could have clean sheets when she had a cold .My Sister was nuts to do it but she always gives in to my Mom's demands . She had me drive 2 1/2 hours to take her to the beauty parlor .I am flying up to visit her next week and I am sure my days will be filled with errands including buying depends .I love my Mom but she can be exhausting .Two years ago she broke her shoulder so I went up to help her . Thank God for wine !

I once spent $2500 at the last minute, and cancelled a planned vacation, to fly across the Atlantic to accompany my mother to a meeting with her financial advisor. She made no changes to her asset allocation, which was already appropriate. A teleconference apparently would not do. But we did share a glass of wine afterwards.


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[Sarah in SC]

katsmeow, I wonder how you might be able to split up and have your DH go to visit sometimes (seeing his peeps) and you go sometimes to see her.

With our huge herd of animals, this is pretty much what we do w seeing DH's mom, and she's a 4 hour drive away. I just figure it is easier to send DH up there for visits, though she'd love to see me as well, she is happy he goes.

 

[Katsmeow]

katsmeow, I wonder how you might be able to split up and have your DH go to visit sometimes (seeing his peeps) and you go sometimes to see her.

With our huge herd of animals, this is pretty much what we do w seeing DH's mom, and she's a 4 hour drive away. I just figure it is easier to send DH up there for visits, though she'd love to see me as well, she is happy he goes.

And, that is something we've done particularly in the last year. It doesn't necessarily stop my mother from complaining, but when she has really needed something it has worked.

She visited here recently for about a week and was after me about us visiting up there this month. She had wanted us to visit early in the summer and we had kids doing summer classes at college all summer so that wouldn't have worked (even if the animals weren't an issue). I told her when she went back home and was talking about us visiting that we really couldn't all come up but I would be able to come up if she needed me in after September started. DH had rotator cuff/bicep surgery in July and can't drive yet so I wasn't going to leave him here alone. She finally seemed to be OK with that.

Part of the issue is that I express that I will come up there, but she is hesitant to tell me when she wants me to come.

I sympathize! As we age, some if us regress to our childhood way of thinking, when we thought the world revolved around us. Remember the "terrible twos"? Seen through the eyes of a once again toddler, expectations are not rational and nothing can ever be quite good enough.

She has always tended toward this, but has gotten worse lately. My mom (who is in many ways a wonderful person) has always tended to be a "don't confuse me with the facts" kind of person. Once she gets something in her head, she has always been the type not to want to change her mind just because her facts are wrong.

One issue we have with her aging the past few years is that she forgets stuff and it often causes her understanding of the facts to be even more off. And, since she doesn't change her mind once it is made up that makes it worse. She was complaining awhile back that I hadn't called her in a couple of months. Actually I had been calling her an average of every week. It was easy for me to find this since I had cell phone records. I showed them to her, but it didn't seem to help....

 

[JoeWras]

I'm surprised no one mentioned our own VA Collector, who retired with his entire nest egg in BofA stock before the financial crisis. There's a terribly depressing thread that took place over the course of a year or more, documenting the collapse of the stock and his determination to 'stay the course'. He ended up going back to work and quit posting here (though he's made a few cameos).

Sad story and it unfolded right before our eyes. He was a real mensch about it, I wish he'd come back and post at some point.

I wasn't around here for that. Instead, I witnessed it first hand with some people who live around here who shared their stories in the news. They worked for Nortel Networks, and most had incredibly sad stories. The story was familiar ... having a huge position in the company they worked for by buying into company stock in their 401k.

Really, really ugly stories.

Lesson in retirement or otherwise ... diversify.

 

[jon-nyc]

It may seem odd that I bring it up given that I registered in 2011, three years after the event. But I lurked for years before registering, so I remember it unfolding.

 

[Amethyst]

Oh geez. To her, it seems like you don't call enough, so that's her reality. She might expect you to apologize and promise to do better, not "try to prove she's senile" by showing her the call records. Now you have to decide if you're going to go the "just humor her" route. Personally I am terrible at humoring people (even senile people see right through me). What can you do.

Amethyst

She was complaining awhile back that I hadn't called her in a couple of months. Actually I had been calling her an average of every week. It was easy for me to find this since I had cell phone records. I showed them to her, but it didn't seem to help....

 

[BuysToys]

She has always tended toward this, but has gotten worse lately. My mom (who is in many ways a wonderful person) has always tended to be a "don't confuse me with the facts" kind of person. Once she gets something in her head, she has always been the type not to want to change her mind just because her facts are wrong.

Please don't feel alone! DH and I are also dealing with my mom's inability to look at facts or see the whole picture. Everything is "right" if it's in her personal best interests, agrees with her personal view point, or benefits her in some way. If not, then it is inherently "wrong" and nothing you say will convince her otherwise.

We're also in the midst of dealing with her need for more "stuff." She has at least 30 huge boxes of "stuff" lined up against her garage wall, boxes of "stuff" crammed into the closets of her apartment, and it's still not enough. All I can say is thank goodness she got pissed off at DH and me last fall and hasn't moved in with us yet. There are going to be some major hurdles to get over before that can happen.

 

[H2ODude]

I'd just caution anyone considering having parent(s) moving in with you to really think it through, do some reading and know what you are getting into. We built addition for MIL and after 8 years of DW being personal assistant, nurse, you name it, we had enough after 3 hospitalizing falls in 3 months as a result of doing stupid things with or without walker. Off to assisted living, and now we're s__t because of it. Oh, and as to what would she have done 8 years ago at 80 unable to work? She'd have worked SOMETHING out (with ~$1,000 a month SS), or so she says. I don't expect accolades but some recognition of the 8 years of room, board, transport, nursing service would have gone a long way. I read about expectations of some parents and just grit my teeth. We cared for my mother and father in their last 6 months with hospice in our home, and it was as good an end and experience as one could hope for given the circumstances. None of it was expected, all of it was appreciated. To say YMMV is a wild understatement. I expect my kids to be there for moral support only, am glad nothing else needed or expected. Good luck all.

 

[AnIntentionalRoad]

He's always been terrible with money, and sadly has absolutely nothing to show for it (he's never owned a home, for instance). I actually have no idea where his money goes; it's certainly not to anything lifestyle related. He drives a junky old car, and has old clothes and fur...

Very possible one or more of prostitutes, drink, drugs, or casinos.

I was a semi-pro poker player in my 20's and I witnessed many acquaintances go down those paths; many were divorced, middle aged introverts. This was back in CA in the 90's.