Intentions vs. Actions when Getting Older

My parents moved into a nice 2 br apartment at 65 because my Dad was ill. After my Dad died my Mom stayed until a week before she died at 90. Her sister is still there at 93. Neither of them would ever live in senior housing for many of the reasons mentioned previously.
 
Teacher Terry said:
My parents moved into a nice 2 br apartment at 65 because my Dad was ill. After my Dad died my Mom stayed until a week before she died at 90. Her sister is still there at 93. Neither of them would ever live in senior housing for many of the reasons mentioned previously.
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What kind of assistance did they have at their apartment?
 
Nemo2 said:
L'enfer, c'est les autres ........Jean-Paul Sartre. (Another reason we always eat at the buffet on ships rather than at a fixed table in the dining room.)
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Bien sûr. I am rational, so I will move to the CCRC when I should, but I will probably be a misanthrope once there.
 
My aunt can't drive anymore so her daughter drives her to go on errands. She has hired someone to clean her apartment every week. My Aunt does everything else herself. My Mom had 3 bouts of serious cancer. Each time I would fly and stay with her the first 2 weeks she was home. The last round lasted 2 1/2 years and both my sibs were retired and within short driving distance. If she needed help they would go stay a few weeks taking turns until she could be alone. Other then when she felt really bad my Mom made her own meals, etc until a week before she died. She did have the medical alert she wore to signal help if needed and my Aunt has one too.
 
Just watching my Mom and several relatives age I think mid to late 80's is the time to move into a CCRC.
 
Teacher Terry said:
My aunt can't drive anymore so her daughter drives her to go on errands. She has hired someone to clean her apartment every week. My Aunt does everything else herself. My Mom had 3 bouts of serious cancer. Each time I would fly and stay with her the first 2 weeks she was home. The last round lasted 2 1/2 years and both my sibs were retired and within short driving distance. If she needed help they would go stay a few weeks taking turns until she could be alone. Other then when she felt really bad my Mom made her own meals, etc until a week before she died. She did have the medical alert she wore to signal help if needed and my Aunt has one too.
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I think it's possible if you have family nearby to help out with errands, chores supervise any in-home help, etc. But if you don't, it's an entirely different ballgame.
 
For my mom a test week changed her opinion.
We gave to her as a christmas gift and said "Try it. If you don't like it we will look for other options".
She was 85, had lost most of her vision, had other health problems and a much too big house.
She went home and thought about it, then signed after 5 months when an appartment with kitchenette and bedroom she liked became available.
3 years after she is still happy. We are, too.
 
Audrey, my Aunt does not need help with anything. If her daughter could not take her grocery shopping she could take a cab. She could still clean her own apartment but decided at 90 not to do it anymore. She does not need anyone to supervise anything. She is sharp and able to do things. My Mom was also sharp and only needed occasional help after a cancer surgery. In my family most have been able to take care of themselves unless they get so sick that they need an nursing home. My FIL at 91 lived alone doing everything for himself and one day got up and had the big one. Perfect ending for a sweet guy. I have a good friend whose Mom still lives in her own apartment without assistance at 92.
 
There are certainly those who beat the averages.

My friend's mother liver in central Indiana in the same house for 70+ years. She was still playing bridge at 102 and died at home in her sleep near 103. She did most everything in the house until she had to give up her car at around 95 years old and couldn't shop. All her kids lived many miles away.
 
A friend of mine lives in a senior apartment complex and most there are taking care of themselves with no issue. I think people are more worried about this then they should be. My GF's Mom at 84 still lives in a 1800 sq ft home that is immaculate, she is very social, drives, goes to see her DH in NH everyday, etc. She took care of him until recently it became too much.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Audrey, my Aunt does not need help with anything. If her daughter could not take her grocery shopping she could take a cab. She could still clean her own apartment but decided at 90 not to do it anymore. She does not need anyone to supervise anything. She is sharp and able to do things. My Mom was also sharp and only needed occasional help after a cancer surgery. In my family most have been able to take care of themselves unless they get so sick that they need an nursing home. My FIL at 91 lived alone doing everything for himself and one day got up and had the big one. Perfect ending for a sweet guy. I have a good friend whose Mom still lives in her own apartment without assistance at 92.
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Are you betting that this is the way it will go for you?

FYI: I guess you could say I am. No LTC insurance, but I should be OK financially even if that is not the way it goes.
 
I don't really spend much time thinking about it because worrying about it won't change things. My DH is 5 years younger so odds are that he might get stuck caring for me if needed. I actually don't expect to live until 90. For most people one of the couple provides care for the one not healthy. When their time comes they usually do fine alone or get so sick they need NH care. There are also a lot of in home services like meals on wheels, medical alert, etc.
 
One of the observations I've read about moving to Independent Living, Continuing Care, etc. is that it's best done when you don't quite need it, so you're still agile enough to handle the uproar of downsizing and moving and the adjustment to a new environment. I get that but, at 64, I'm not ready to even consider it.

My Dad just moved to Independent Living earlier this year. When Mom learned that her breast cancer had recurred and treatment wasn't likely to be successful, she and Dad looked at a few places and chose one for him together. He's now 86. He got through the whole process pretty well and has gotten involved in bridge and pinochle groups at the new place. Maybe I have a few years to make a decision!
 
Maybe this forum has a big group of worriers then the general population.
 
My mom lived in her house until 92. She desperately feared any retirement home or nursing home. Me, on the other hand, was ready to move into my friends independent living facility when I was in my late 30's. I would visit my friend and think this is awesome! Two bedroom apartment, sweet balcony overlooking gorgeous gardens, a dining room with white tablecloths and menus to choose meals, 24 hour care if needed and transportation to drive you anywhere to shop or entertain. I was ready, but too young.

I tried to talk my mom into thinking about this Shangri La of a living experience, but she had nothing to do with it. So, her last 2 weeks on this earth were in a nursing home and she passed with her wishes intact, for the most part.

Now, I like my home with my DH. We have a garden, like our neighbors, enjoy our dogs and pretty much do as we please as we are FIRE. We are still healthy and active. I'm not so sure about that "perfect" independent living situation. IMHO life changes attitudes and opinions with experience.
 
I thank everyone for giving me their insights and thoughts to my original post. If I may summarize I learned the following:

- Nobody enjoys the thought of what will happen when getting "very" old.

- Some plan ahead (or at least think about the possibility) to move into to a CCRC facility when the times come. These folks seem to have had some direct positive exposure to this type of living.

- Some don't see the difference between a CCRC and a low budget retirement home and may be so shocked by their experience to not even want to think about what will happen in their future: "just carry me out of my house".

Having cared long-term for my grandma in her own house - she died at 98 - my parents did not want to be a burden on any of us children when their time came. (Although I live in the US and they in Germany, my two brothers live close to them). My parents also realized that high-end modern facilities have a long waiting list and if anything severe would happen on a short notice, they may end up in one of those "other" places. They also figured that living in their own house independently may become increasingly difficult in their mid to late 70s (which it did). These were decision why they decided to move to a CCRC.

They found a very nice CCRC. Three room apartment with big balcony overlooking the city furnished with their own belongings. There are only four apartments per floor. They also have a full kitchen, but they chose to eat lunch in the restaurant (4 course meals, "cafeteria" would not do this justice). I have visited them several times for a week at a time, and other than seeing "very" old people in the restaurant, the place is like any other apartment complex. The big benefit I see is that they can gradually add services as they need help, like eating all meals in the restaurant, getting their clothes washed, getting nursing help when times get worse or if one of the two needs intense care he/she would be moved into a separate wing of the complex, but only 5 minutes away by foot. As I said in the beginning, they have no regrets to their decision and life has gotten much better for them.

I like to plan ahead. Right now, my target is to ER in 5 years at 53. I also plan to follow my parents footsteps to move into a CCRC when the time comes. I just hope that I will execute the plan and not become lethargic in the last minute.

Again, thank you all for your responses, great forum.
 
My maternal grandparents had a good experience with their church-based CCRC here in town where most of their family is located.

Moved in when she was 75, he 85 - he lived another decade, she another decade after him.

Spent most of that time in a decent-sized two-bedroom cottage.

She finally moved to an apartment when the walk from her cottage to the "big house" (apartments & assisted living) where most of her surviving friends were resident became difficult.

Had a massive heart attack a few weeks later which left her bed-bound, so she chose to d/c all her meds and died shortly thereafter.

The CCRC allowed them, well, her mostly, a very satisfying social life, as well as assistance with caring for her husband, who already needed significant care when they moved into their cottage.
 
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As I have discussed before, my Dad is now 90 years old and lives independently in the house he built in 1973. It was designed and built with the intention to age (and perhaps die) in place (single story, no stairs, wide doors for wheelchairs, etc.) and my Mom did in fact die in the home in 2013. However, it is a large house for just my Dad (about 2400 square feet) and the yard is a pain in (my) arse. When he had a health scare a few months ago, we *thought* we convinced him that it was time to move in with DW and me, but once he got over that ailment, he was 100% back to his original plan to stay in his house.

I 100% understand why he wants to do what he wants. And yes, it is all about independence. Although he understands that keeping/living in the house isn't the best choice, for him, it is. Is it a pain for me? Yes, yes it is and to a point he knows it. He also knows that if weren't for me being retired and available for him 24/7, then he probably wouldn't be able to be as independent as he is.

I dread the day when he's no longer with us, because dealing with all his possessions is going to be a huge headache, but fretting about it today doesn't do me any good, so I just take it day by day.

For me, I hope to not do that. I don't find myself attached to material possessions and would be happy to get rid of about 90% of the stuff we have in our house, but my DW is a bit more attached to the "stuff".

*IF* the DW wasn't in the picture, I would probably get rid of everything that wouldn't fit in a 500 square foot space, and if in good health at the age of 62, I would apply to the Armed Forces Retirement Home down in Gulfport (On the beach!!! Woot!!!) The great thing about that is once you are accepted and you are at the top of the list, you can move in anytime...you don't have to do it at 62...just so long as you are in decent health and can live independently when you first move in. Then, it operates just the same as a CCRC, just much, MUCH cheaper. However, I don't anticipate my DW going anywhere, so that plan will probably not come to fruition.

Oye...sorry about the rambling!
 
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Indulge me..:angel:

CCRC's vs. Home alone... as if this were the only choice. Tiny apartment vs big old house. Maybe not so simple.

We live in a CCRC, but not an apartment, a villa in Liberty Village, Peru, IL... a regular 1600s.f. home w/2 car garage. Access to all the rest of the CCRC... meeting rooms, parties, transportation, activities and a social life, as busy as we want at our age.

The first picture on this website is our home. Open layout, vaulted ceilings, fireplace etc.
https://libertyvillageofperu.com/villas.htm

Our CCRC is one of 23 located in the Midwest, and Nevada..
Simplythefinest.net should give you an idea of the choices that are available. The FAQ, outlines answers to the kinds of lifestyles that are available, and the different options that a resident can choose based on health and ability. Makes for an easy transition, if and when the time comes.

Our type of community is not alone, but has evolved to accommodate the aging process. We found similar complexes in FL, when we were looking, back in 2003, but most were at a much higher price, both the villas and the care units. Current selling prices, for villas like ours are in the $175K range. Rarely available, and usually sold by word of mouth, before making it to a realtor, when a resident moves to the apartments or assisted living.

We're delighted with our choice, and while we hope to continue where we are for some years to come, the transition to apartment, assisted living, rehab, nursing home, or "Memory Lane" will not be difficult, as we know what is involved, and are comfortable with whatever the future may bring. The second part that is important to us, is that any transition will not be visited with an excess of anxiety or problems on the part of our family.
 
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I can see the attraction since where you are you can live in your own house. However, I looked out of curiosity in NV and it is apartments only.
 
imoldernu said:
We live in a CCRC, but not an apartment, a villa in Liberty Village, Peru, IL... a regular 1600s.f. home w/2 car garage. Access to all the rest of the CCRC... meeting rooms, parties, transportation, activities and a social life, as busy as we want at our age.

...

We're delighted with our choice, and while we hope to continue where we are for some years to come, the transition to apartment, assisted living, rehab, nursing home, or "Memory Lane" will not be difficult, as we know what is involved, and are comfortable with whatever the future may bring. The second part that is important to us, is that any transition will not be visited with an excess of anxiety or problems on the part of our family.
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Useful info. I think we could live with this :)

This is so nice, we wouldn't have to wait until the "last minute" or maybe too late to make a move. Having an actual house, or even a town house, would probably make all the difference. I especially like the idea that transitions out of the independent living arrangement are reasonably managed and you can see this ahead of time, presumably from the direct experiences of the older folks in your community.
 
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