the horror of family vacations

[ugeauxgirl]

Ok- so my parents pay for lodging at a fantastic destination every other year. We are responsible for getting there and a meal, and spend a week enjoying the destination and (theoretically) each other. Here is the problem I've found- its disorienting trying to fit back into our family roles- as slblings and children after we've all been head of our own households for 20 years. I'm 46, my brother is 50 and my sister is 42. We have all become incredibly different- myself especially. I find myself the black sheep at these gatherings and I frankly dread them, but can't refuse for a number of reasons. And to make it worse, there is always a lot of alcohol involved which makes everything a little more volatile. I'm not sure what I'm asking. My husband always insists after leaving these occasions that I must have been switched at birth, but I can't help feeling that its somehow my fault I can't seem to fit in. Oddly I LOVE hanging out with his family? Any advice?

 

[ronin]

My wife's family is my family. Mine, eh, go away. Maybe it happens.

 

[audreyh1]

Stop going?

 

[Gumby]

When I was young, I was convinced that I must be adopted, because I could not conceive of actually being related to any of those people. The situation did not improve much after I left home forty-one years ago. I moved to the east coast, went to college and then law school. They all stayed in Missouri and did not. We have very little in common these days.

That said, when I went back this January and February for each of my parents' funerals, my siblings and I managed to get along fairly well. I followed the same rules I follow here - avoid divisive topics and try to be kind. I ask them all about what they are doing and try to find something of mutual interest that we can share. I don't "rise to the bait" when they say things I don't agree with. It works with the in-laws too.

 

[Aerides]

If she doesn't go, she's shunned (ok not literally, but will never hear the end of it) so I'm guessing that is a no go given the "can't refuse" comment.

I'm assuming this is some resort with some personal space? Call ahead for a room on a completely different floor of course if you can.

My family dynamic isn't remotely as fraught, but other than my husband, there is no one I want to go on vacation with for a week. Maybe suggest a long weekend this year? Do the research first and drive the bus a bit to at least minimize the trip?

 

[RobbieB]

I have found that alcohol is very good at "reducing friction" at these events -

But then I've never been around "angry" drunks. I dunno.

 

[Katiek]

If not going isn't an option, maybe go but be willing to skip some of the group events and focus on some alone time with your husband? If you like your parents, maybe say that the big group can be overwhelming but you'd love to spend some time with them in a smaller group.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

If she doesn't go, she's shunned (ok not literally, but will never hear the end of it) so I'm guessing that is a no go given the "can't refuse" comment.

I'm assuming this is some resort with some personal space? Call ahead for a room on a completely different floor of course if you can.

I cannot refuse. And sadly this is not a venue with personal space. Its a 5-6 bedroom home. We are all TOGETHER. The worst year ever was the year we went to the beach. We spent entirely too much time together and I had a fight that resulted in my sister and I not speaking till Christmas. Why we keep doing this, I do not know.

Most of the time we go to a tourist destination where we spend most of the time during the day apart and only meet up for dinner. Even so, my husband is usually ready to strangle at least one of my family members by the time we leave. We are all outspoken and inevitably someone brings up politics- + alcohol=Ugh. This is the ONLY vacation I have ever been on where I am totally ready to come home.

 

[Aerides]

Ah then my only answer is read some Davis Sedaris, and try to be either the last to arrive / first to leave (or both). Your description reminds me of this article:
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/01/05/leviathan-3

Or, take the bull by the horns and plan the trip/location. Might not help for this year, but maybe next/future?

And the only solace? Eventually, one day, hopefully a long time from now, you will strangely miss these trips.

 

[RAE]

I don't think your situation is all that uncommon. I have one brother and one sister (they are both single), and we simply cannot spend much time together anymore (our parents are both deceased). If we do, it inevitably leads to a big blow-up after a couple days or so, which is not fun for anyone. It's complicated, but my sister is very manipulative and controlling, and my brother and I just have zero in common (politically or otherwise). So, there is really not much to talk about, and there is usually a lot of tension in the air. My wife basically told me after the last one that she will not participate in any of these get-togethers anymore, and I don't blame her. In an ideal world, family would all get along and enjoy each other's company, but the reality is often very different. I don't wish any ill-will toward either of my siblings, but it's best (for all of us) if we just don't get together very often.

 

[RobbieB]

If you want to have an argument you'll have to pay first.

 

[Mdlerth]

Wool from black sheep will keep you just as warm

My condolences, Gumby. May you find peace sooner than later.

I'm in the same camp as Ronin on the family gatherings. DW's siblings all are competent and mostly sane... except for their ridiculous positions on political issues X Y and Z, for which they should be tarred and feathered, ridden out of town on a rail, and sent to re-education camps in Siberia until they come to their senses.

Just kidding!

Seriously, it's DW's in-laws - my brothers and sisters - who are the mystery. I am the statistical outlier in that bunch. None of them could organize a bath, much less a family vacation. At times I question whether they are even carbon-based forms of life, much less that they share the same chromosomes with me.

Our parents are slowly and inexorably disintegrating, and I expect that once they pass on their funerals will be the last time all my siblings and I will be together.

To OP, in what way are you the black sheep? Sounds like there are some juicy stories in there. Which were you:

Conceived at Woodstock?
Vampire?
Mob assassin?
Vice-president?

Inquiring minds want to know.

 

[Hermit]

Maybe rent a motor home and stay in it so you can get away when you need to.

 

[aja8888]

Call in sick.

 

[Red Badger]

Sorry that you're in that kind of family dynamics.

I've organized a few beach meet-ups in the Carolinas during the past few years. When we were all w*rking, it was a 4-6 day stint. So, I'd rent a beach front multi-bed-bath unit. And it worked out great.

Now retired, I book individual rooms for each family (2018 was 3-4 weeks). We tend to congregate for breakfast, then everyone peels off until mid-day. In my case, I pay for all the rooms, some pay upon arrival, some do not. My rationale is that they all paid airfare, so putting them up is a fair compromise.

We get along fine. Everyone understands that, for the most part, religion and politics are NSFF (Not Safe For Family). And we have a few outliers with aforementioned strong opinions that choose not to join. That's a win-win for everybody.

I hope you find a similar compromise.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

To OP, in what way are you the black sheep? Sounds like there are some juicy stories in there. Which were you:

Conceived at Woodstock?
Vampire?
Mob assassin?
Vice-president?

Inquiring minds want to know.

How do you condense family disfunction into a paragraph? I don't know- maybe its just me. Maybe its just a bad combination. Somehow they all think that status stuff is important. I don't. And I don't care what they spend money on- to me its all use-utility. (i.e. if you think its important to spend money on it- then by all means, buy one. If you don't think its important- don't) I think cars are to get you from point a to point b. I drive a Mazda. I like wine. Doesn't cost that much cause I sort of like all of it. I genuinely can't tell a $15 bottle from a $50 bottle. And since I am an analyst at heart, I do not care to develop a $50 bottle of wine habit because supporting said habit would delay retirement. And like I said before, I am perfectly happy with $15 wine, so why change? Family relentlessly makes fun of my "cheapskate" tendencies, etc. We grew up in a hick area- a reality show was practically filmed in my back yard. I think its funny- sister tells everyone she has no idea where that was filmed- not her part of the state. I like mud-truck racing....

 

[RobbieB]

Just say "I wish I had as much dough as you'all so I could buy me a Mercedes Benz.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Just don't go, go for only a few days, or stay in a nearby hotel or campground or go with the motor home suggestion. Either way there's always I feel statements - when you pick on my thriftiness, I feel hurt and I'd appreciate it if you would stop the disparaging comments and respect my personal spending habits as I do yours. Then if they don't stop, repeat, if they still don't stop, pack up and leave. You don't have to take abuse from people just because they share your DNA.

Or if you work just find something that is at least sort of true like you have a big project and just can't take vacation at that time.

 

[W2R]

How do you condense family disfunction into a paragraph? I don't know- maybe its just me. Maybe its just a bad combination. Somehow they all think that status stuff is important. I don't. And I don't care what they spend money on- to me its all use-utility. I think cars are to get you from point a to point b. I drive a Mazda. I like wine. Doesn't cost that much cause I sort of like all of it. I genuinely can't tell a $15 bottle from a $50 bottle. And since I am an analyst at heart, I do not care to develop a $50 bottle of wine habit because supporting said habit would delay retirement. And like I said before, I am perfectly happy with $15 wine, so why change? Family relentlessly makes fun of my "cheapskate" tendencies, etc. We grew up in a hick area- a reality show was practically filmed in my back yard. I think its funny- sister tells everyone she has no idea where that was filmed- not her part of the state. I like mud-truck racing....

Aw!! I am sorry you are going through this. I'd suggest just limiting how many times a year you see them and for how long. Be firm and polite. You can't change your family and it's a tough situation.

Remember that there are other people in your life who understand and appreciate your frugality. But you only have one family.

 

[Nemo2]

Put plugs in your ears, a bandage around your throat and wrist.......hand out notes saying that you have developed an undiagnosed throat problem and can't speak, sprained your wrist and can't write, and your ears are blocked so you are unable to hear.

 

[Grabberson]

Trying to fit back into family roles with my siblings would be about as comfortable as wearing the shoes I wore when I was 12. They're great people and we have a solid common background, but they're weirdos in their own way. With my sibling get-togethers, I've found that frequent separation is key. After breakfast I say "Hey, we're going sight-seeing, see you at dinner". At 8pm I say "We're tired, see you in the morning".

 

[Moemg]

For better or for worse they are your family so I would try to chill and then go to my room and scream some day you may miss them a lot .

 

[calico1597]

My brothers were redneck high school drop outs, content to live on welfare. All three are deceased and one remaining sister who is a spook. No way would I have met up with any of them.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

My brothers were redneck high school drop outs, content to live on welfare. All three are deceased and one remaining sister who is a spook. No way would I have met up with any of them.

Spook? A spy?

 

[NW-Bound]

I must be very fortunate in that I get along with my 2 younger brothers and my older sister much better than as earlier posters describe. Not only that, our spouses get along reasonably well.

We all live in the same town, in fact within a radius of a few miles. My children also get along well with their cousins. My daughter is specially close to one of my nieces who is of the same age. They are like best friends. And it so happens that their husbands get along well too. The four of them and my son get together almost every week.

My brothers and I take turn hosting large family get-together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. Everybody is happy to come, although we do have loud "discussions" when someone inevitably brings up politics. No hard feelings afterward though.