Friendships?

[Fishingmn]

Like Music Lover we have quite a few friends and family here in cold MN and wouldn't consider moving unless both kids did so as well. We also have taken to doing a 45 day getaway in the winter. We have family and friends that travel to our vacation rental.

I don't really have any friends from high school but luckily joined a business fraternity in college and have many close friendships from that group 37 years ago. I have 5-6 guys who I see at least monthly (or more) and another set who I see semi-regularly as well. We are lucky that almost all of our core group has stayed here (and stayed married as they are "couple" friends).

Like many here I'm an introvert but that makes me work even harder to maintain these friendships. I find that many people aren't good at reaching out but are very happy to communicate and do things together if I take the initiative. Instead of getting upset that I always have to be the one to initiate I make a point of being proactive. I also text my friends on a regular basis to stay connected. Often about mutual sports team interests but it can also just be a random picture of something or to check in about an issue going on in their lives.

DW has many of these same friends but also a group of 5 ex coworker friends that she engages with regularly. She does 3-4 yearly weekend trips with them. I have 2-3 yearly weekend trips away as well so it evens out.

Luckily, we did well at saving as our dining, entertainment and travel budgets are much higher than they would be with a small friends group.

 

[gwraigty]

Back in May, the best man at our wedding contacted us for the first time since our wedding 27 years ago. We only knew he'd left the state many years ago. We had a nice visit with him and his wife. They were considering moving back to Ohio. I guess they thought it was a nice visit, too. We spent Saturday afternoon and evening with them in the house they just bought 15 miles from us. I can see lots of good times ahead.

 

[skipro33]

Geez!
I must really be bad at making friends. My post here about friendship was deleted. No explanation, no personal message to let me know why, just POOF! It's gone.

Did someone complain?

 

[Bamaman]

In my working years, so many close friends were co-workers we ate lunch with daily. And we traveled in groups of 10-12 men for weeks/months on end. After we all retired, seldom does anyone talk to each other. Only two are on my Facebook that I keep up with.

I'm on a couple of Facebook groups from my hometown, one of which has a few thousand members. Thankfully everyone works hard to keep it a very positive F/B with zero drama. There are about 15-20 people that often eat lunch together on Thursdays--many of which were in high school together. What's so strange is that everyone on the F/B has common political and religions views.

 

[pacergal]

We go traveling with friends from high school yearly. I have a couple of coworkers who I socialize with fairly regularly.
I have friends from grade school who I see rarely now, but keep in touch via FB or text.
A few acquaintances here in the neighborhood, but not folks I socialize with.
Being an introvert, I really only have 1-2 very close friends plus siblings and family. But its enough to keep me with a social network.

 

[Bir48die]

I have an off and on friendship with my high school buddy. Two or three from college. Many from old work and golfing. However I can certainly be a loner at times. Then after awhile I just have to get my party on

 

[WestUniversity]

In my experience our lack of contact has fallen into one of two categories. Those that have been separated by geography and those that have separated by “life direction”.

In the first category, several friends simply physically live elsewhere. With a few of those we have managed to keep up with each other, but with the others geography has served as the catalyst for our relationships to simply drift apart.

With the second category, our lives simply drifted apart due to the choices made in the direction of our respective lives. Many of those are still in our same geographic area, but we simply have little in common with them anymore.

As an example, a lot of high school friends fall into this category. All these years later many of them are still in some respects reliving their old glory days, and DW and I have definitely moved on...

 

[Joe1954]

Like a lot of guys I know, I let my friendships slide when I got married and raised a family. I wish I had not. I reconnected with my best childhood friend when my mom passed away. He has been battling prostrate cancer for almost 9 years, but has beaten me at golf for 4 weeks now !! I have another friend, but do not think we will ever be close friends. I would like to develop more friendships, but it does not come easy for this 65 year old. I think I need to find more group type activities, where friendships might develop. I do have my wife, kids and grandkids, and we do much together.

 

[exnavynuke]

From the earliest days, we have all had friendships... some short term, some long term.

The question comes from our own experience. The older we get, the fewer contacts we have with those who were our closest friends. Year by year, a natural loss of those who have passed away (we're 83), but statistically, about half of those with whom we have lived in our retirement, are still alive. In just the last 30 years since we retired, we have lived in five different social circle communities, plus the previous 50 years of living... schools, workplaces etc.

As close as we were, with perhaps several hundred or more friends, the number of people with whom we maintain more than a once a year email has dwindled to a few dozen.

Of course we have many, many new friends in our current location, but virtually no contacts with primary and secondary school friends, just a few college friends and almost none from the 20+ moves since marriage.

It's definitely a factor of age, as even into our early 70's there were many cards and emails.

Wondering what your experience is... and the effect of distance and age has had on the the number of "friends" with whom you still have some degree of contact.

I couldn't tell you the name of any of my friends from elementary school. I can recall the names of two people I knew from 6-8th grade, and am still "friends" online but it's been so long since I've actually had a conversation with them I likely wouldn't recognize their voice. I still have once or twice a year contact (including sometimes actual voice communication) with 2 friends from high school and keep up with another 4 or 5. Of the hundreds of people I've known and/or been friends with over the last 25 years, I'm still friends with and in regular contact (directly or indirectly) with around 8 of them, and semi-regular/casual contact with probably another 10-15. I expect that as time continues to move on those numbers will likely get smaller overall, but who knows. I'm 42 now.

 

[Music Lover]

Like a lot of guys I know, I let my friendships slide when I got married and raised a family. I wish I had not.

I know a few people that let friends slide...some for family reasons, one couple because they went to their cabin every weekend. They missed out a lot of the prime bonding years when as young adults we got together almost every weekend...parties all the time, wedding socials, sporting events, etc. Now that they're older I see some of them on occasion but they're acquaintances now instead of friends.

 

[JJpop]

I am not good at making friends and I have exactly 0. I wish I had some friends and I know it is entirely up to me to make the effort, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am a big time INTJ and it's just really hard for me. Fortunately I have 6 brothers and sisters who are all married and we all have kids so I have a big family I interact with frequently. In fact, a bunch are coming tomorrow for our annual 4th of July pool party.

My friends since high school have always been work related.Now that I am retired 2 years at 67,I have zero real friends as well.I do have one awesome friend,my 5 year old grandson who we watch 3 times a week.We have a special bond and he has really made a difference in my life and hopefully I in his.I never had any children of my own so he is my step grandson and my time with him has been the best time if my life.As he gets older and we no longer babysit,he will of course develop friendships with his classmates.It saddens me greatly to think of losing that time with him but I am preparing for it and trying to find a way to find a friend somewhere.Maybe volunteering.

 

[Aerides]

My friends since high school have always been work related.Now that I am retired 2 years at 67,I have zero real friends as well...

I can relate. Most of my friends from adulthood were from work. But then I moved and was 40 miles from the office - hard to go out together after. Then I went virtual, even harder. I still do the occasional get together and consider a few of them real friends, but not the "let's do stuff together and chat every few days" kinda thing. My DS lives near and she's really my best friend.

And yes as INTJ it is harder. I also think it's harder for women than men. Men just seem to bond more easily from my observations.

 

[PointBreeze]

We are members of a group of friends that have had dinner together every Friday night for the past 27 years. I am so deeply grateful for this.

However, I see them just once/week, and when I ER'ed 18 months ago, I realized that most of my other friendships happened at work, and that I wanted to spend time with friends more than once/week.

I see one friend from an old job once/month for dinner. I see another friend every two weeks when we go to visit a different brewery - I set up a Google spreadsheet so we can rate them, in order to make it a bit more fun and interesting. I've actively added another couple of friends, and think up fun things to do with them, such as playing darts, cards, comparing burgers from different bars/restaurants/our own recipes, doing gin tastings, etc.

I take Osher classes (The Bernard Osher Foundation | Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes) at the nearby university and hope to meet some friends that way, too.

Friends are so important to good mental health, IMHO.

 

[Pointby2]

We have lived in four cities in different states long enough to establish good friendships. My male friends from high school (and college) aren't on social networks and won't respond when I've tried to make contact. So no friendships left in WI. I've left behind all the friends I've made from our time in MN, NV and WI. Long distance relationships are hard to impossible.



My wife still has a lot of her childhood friends still from growing up in NV. In general, it's easier for women to keep their friends. Plus, since we live in SoCal, we like to host them here for Disney trips and we love to come up to Reno for a nice break.


We have a nice (but small) circle of friends we've made in CA.

 

[aja8888]

I have a few old friends from my time in Connecticut where I was raised and schooled. Most high school classmates have moved to Florida. In high school, I had a few friends, but not close ones. My few friends from work in CT were closest, but one has dementia now and doesn't know me anymore, and the other moved to Florida and I lost touch with him.

So now "friends" left in CT, just a younger sister and her clan.

My male friends here in Texas revolve around my ROMEO club and there are two guys in that group who have been close friends of mine for 25 years now. We hang out weekly and last year we went to The U.P. of Michigan for 10 days to build a boat. Quite a trip! (no wives along).

But at 75 years old, friends are few and harder to make from new.

 

[scottpush]

Friends

I'm an introvert and therefore have never had a lot of friends. I'm quite comfortable with that although boredom becomes a factor. I'm 60 and have also never had kids. So I need to constantly try to think of things to occupy my time. If I had it to do over again I would have been more positive about the concept of having kids and starting a family. I'm on a great cruise now in the Mediterranean with 10 other people. It's nice to meet new people but not sure how many, if any, lasting relationships will come out of this. We're all so different and most of us don't even live near each other.

My family members have become my best friends. My parents are still alive and my Mom is my #1 best friend. She's 82. I dread when she goes. I also keep in constant contact with an ex work buddy whom I am very close to and have known for many years. It's typical for an introvert to have only a handful of very tight friends and not a lot more. I fit this to a T!
Anyhow, this has been my experience.

 

[GoBears]

I can relate. DW became disabled with chronic migraine 12+ years ago. Made me into Mr. Mom and Dad when raising kids. Social events and friendships with the neighbors have slowly petered out. I have a couple of friends from college that I see about once a month and a retired colleague and his wife that we see every couple of months. Luckily my father and brother both live within several miles and I get together with them frequently. Plan is to relocate after I retire but not sure that makes sense unless we move near other family since DW is not really independent.

 

[Oz investor]

I am not good at making friends and I have exactly 0. I wish I had some friends and I know it is entirely up to me to make the effort, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am a big time INTJ and it's just really hard for me. Fortunately I have 6 brothers and sisters who are all married and we all have kids so I have a big family I interact with frequently. In fact, a bunch are coming tomorrow for our annual 4th of July pool party.

try just being yourself ( not what everybody else wants you to be )

gradually you will develop friends who appreciate your strong points and tolerate the other bits , let people decide if they like you at their own pace

nobody is truly perfect ,

try pursuing hobbies and maybe you will start mixing with people with similar interests .

( bad friends are worse than no friends , so still take care )

 

[Chuckanut]

I'm an introvert and therefore have never had a lot of friends. I'm quite comfortable with that although boredom becomes a factor. I'm 60 and have also never had kids. So I need to constantly try to think of things to occupy my time. If I had it to do over again I would have been more positive about the concept of having kids and starting a family. I'm on a great cruise now in the Mediterranean with 10 other people. It's nice to meet new people but not sure how many, if any, lasting relationships will come out of this. We're all so different and most of us don't even live near each other.

I am also an introvert. I found this book to be quite interesting and reading it finally helped me understand myself better:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/quiet-susan-cain/1101870221?ean=9780307352156#/

Being an introvert has nothing to do with wanting friends and wanting to be with people. Most of us want that. My own take on being an introvert is that we introverts use up our personal energy when we are with others, while extroverts acquire more personal energy by being with others. We discharge, they get re-charged. That's why after attending a great party on Saturday night I am content to stay home and read a book on Sunday night. My extrovert friends are ready to throw another party on Sunday night!

 

[Scrapr]

I am also an introvert. I found this book to be quite interesting and reading it finally helped me understand myself better:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/quiet-susan-cain/1101870221?ean=9780307352156#/

Being an introvert has nothing to do with wanting friends and wanting to be with people. Most of us want that. My own take on being an introvert is that we introverts use up our personal energy when we are with others, while extroverts acquire more personal energy by being with others. We discharge, they get re-charged. That's why after attending a great party on Saturday night I am content to stay home and read a book on Sunday night. My extrovert friends are ready to throw another party on Sunday night!

This is exactly the issue my late wife & I had. She loved parties. Planning,setting up & going.We had a few talks about it. I explained it took a lot of mental energy for me to go to a party for hours. And I could see she was just getting going. We somewhat compromised and she would go to parties without me. I might drop her off & pick her up so she could enjoy a few beverages. And we also had a sign that I could signal that I was wiped out. And we would exit soon after. I also stayed longer and enjoyed myself more as well.

 

[pacergal]

That is a great book! I understood myself much better after reading. I enjoy being with others, but it does drain me and I need quiet recharge time by myself on a daily basis.

 

[gwraigty]

I am also an introvert. I found this book to be quite interesting and reading it finally helped me understand myself better:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/quiet-susan-cain/1101870221?ean=9780307352156#/

Being an introvert has nothing to do with wanting friends and wanting to be with people. Most of us want that. My own take on being an introvert is that we introverts use up our personal energy when we are with others, while extroverts acquire more personal energy by being with others. We discharge, they get re-charged. That's why after attending a great party on Saturday night I am content to stay home and read a book on Sunday night. My extrovert friends are ready to throw another party on Sunday night!

+1

I have that book on Kindle. Describes me perfectly.

 

[SpinDoctorTX]

My male friends here in Texas revolve around my ROMEO club and there are two guys in that group who have been close friends of mine for 25 years now. We hang out weekly and last year we went to The U.P. of Michigan for 10 days to build a boat. Quite a trip! (no wives along).
.

I laughed when I saw your ROMEO club. Hubbs belongs to an "Old men with cameras" club & meet for lunch monthly. He's made 3 new quite good friends that way. I pushed him to get involved as a close friend of us already was. He has 3 tight friends & a bevy of acquaintances, which entered his life after I retired.

My Grandma was so ready to die. By 101 yo she'd outlived all of her kids but my Mom + all of her friends. She was lonely even though she lived with family. My Mom is now experiencing that as her friends in KY die off or get physical or mental problems. Same goes for her friends here in TX (she's a snowbird & we are her winter & summer home).

Prior to leaving my last gig, I sought out the folks I'd come to like well, and have held on to 5 relationships of 7 sought. I took a note from Mom's playbook and joined meetup. Through that I have managed to make lots of new acquaintances and 3 good friends- from just one membership. I'm trying to include enough folks behind me (most in their late 40s/ v early 50s). As an INFP it was a bit hard for me to do it, much as it was hard for me as an advocate (CASA)... but I was determined to be where such opportunities might be present. By doing that, in addition to my 5 core friends, I have 3 new friendships and a lot more opportunities to connect with people. My Group is Liberal Ladies who lunch in TW- I'm sure that there are groups that cater to other views.

My ex used to say that I could live like a hermit and be happy. He was correct. It isn't really my desire, I just have to be really discriminating because overly extroverted people tend to exhaust me.

 

[frank2009]

Interesting thread...

Many acquaintances, very few friends...

I'm OK with it.

 

[ls99]

The dis-advantage of keeping in good shape in advancing age. All long time friends are dead. Acquintances abound. INTP A. All is well.

Edit correction:not INTJ