Coupling up again in retirement

[aja8888]

I remarried after a bitter California style divorce @age 54, . The lady I married had nothing, financially, kind of like what I had after the divorce. I ended up with both teenage daughters out of the divorce and raised them through college age and somewhat later. No college debts, paid off two homes, one wedding, etc, etc. We both worked our butts off during those 20 years, and saved enough to retire on (somehow). My DW is very ill now, with a terminal disease and her docs have said "a few years...."

If she passes before me (likely, as I am very healthy), I will not marry again. I don't really know what I will do though......maybe nothing. That sounds OK right now. My golf game is not bad and I have a lot of friends.

 

[Amethyst]

By "you" you mean women? We are all pretty much the same physically.

Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually...many, many variations. Just like you.

And by "being hard to get," I meant literally. No games involved. Just never very interested, until all of a sudden, I was.

See, you are all the same, playing games and such! lol

.

 

[Dash man]

I can’t see myself ever marrying again if I survive my wife. Kids and grandkids will keep me occupied.

 

[Dog]

DH has some health issues, so it is likely I will outlive him. We have been married for 40 years (mostly good). I don’t have any interest in getting in a serious relationship or being remarried. I have lots of interests and good friends and am pretty independent. Also, I have never met anyone that has interested me more than my DH.

 

[Nemo2]

DW & I are pretty much a self contained unit, we have long term, (me more than she since I'm 10 years older), friends, none of whom live close by.

We have other friends we met together while traveling that we are in irregular contact with, some in the US, one in Oz.

Second time lucky, third time really lucky.

 

[Offgrid Organic Farmer]

My parents divorced when I was a teen. My father in his 60s found that he was swamped by single older ladies. He used to tell me stories about it. He lived in a fifth-wheel travel trailer and he 'snow birded' throughout the South every winter. In each town where he stopped, he would go into a Baptist church and find out when their mid-week Bible study met. He would attend one Bible study meeting and within 2 days would start showing up at his trailer with casseroles and baked goods.

That was in the 1980s and 1990s. To bring this topic more up to date. I have seen two of my neighbors become divorced men [both are subsistence farmers], then women start showing up with casseroles and baked goods.

 

[rodi]

When my mom passed, my dad was terribly lonely. But he knew he wanted a smart, clever woman. He started hanging out at various community bridge groups. These groups were mostly women. Many of the women he'd ask out for coffee made it very clear they were interested in friendship only - they'd done the 'taking care of' thing and had no interest. But he met my stepmom at a bridge group - they fell head over heels and were together for the last 5.5 years of my dad's life. (I'm still really close to my stepmom.)

*When* you are ready - figure out what you are looking for and come up with a way to find that demographic. For my dad it was sharp witted, age appropriate. Bridge was the perfect venue to find the type of women my dad was looking for.

 

[street]

By "you" you mean women? We are all pretty much the same physically.

Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually...many, many variations. Just like you.

And by "being hard to get," I meant literally. No games involved. Just never very interested, until all of a sudden, I was.

You are one intelligent woman and I know when to concede. Lol

 

[athena53]

DH has some health issues, so it is likely I will outlive him. We have been married for 40 years (mostly good). I don’t have any interest in getting in a serious relationship or being remarried. I have lots of interests and good friends and am pretty independent.

I know what you mean- for the first time in my life I pretty much don't have to answer to anyone but my creditors and the HOA. I can limit the amount of bad-for-me food in the house, I can de-clutter without asking anyone else, I can eat mostly-vegetarian meals without someone asking. "Where's the beef?".

There are downsides, of course- if I get COVID I'll go it alone- the guy I'm dating works FT and is an hour away, DS is 3 hours away and he and DSIL have 3 little kids so they can't risk taking care of me. I don't do anything on a high ladder unless someone is around because who would know if I fell and needed help?

But, I'm an introvert who grew up in a house with parents and 4 siblings. I like this.

 

[Souschef]

After my wife died, I did a lot of traveling alone to places she had no desire to see. China, Siberia, trains in Colorado and Wales, etc.
After about a year and a half, I got tired of traveling alone. I did not know where I was going next, but I did not want to travel alone.
Well, life is funny that way, because I met a wonderful lady who is a widow and has sons about the same age as mine.
We were married on the island of Santorini, and just celebrated our 13th anniversary. Life is good!

 

[Amethyst]

I married the only in-shape man I've ever met who didn't expect me to do sports.

Pursuing fitness is one thing. Having to jump around in the hot sun to hit some type of ball, and also feel like I need to be "good enough" to play, is quite another. No way!

 

[RunningBum]

I married the only in-shape man I've ever met who didn't expect me to do sports.

Pursuing fitness is one thing. Having to jump around in the hot sun to hit some type of ball, and also feel like I need to be "good enough" to play, is quite another. No way!

Ha! That's kind of funny. I met and got to know my GF years ago at trail races. It's not at all a requirement, but she can keep up with me at about any distance.

 

[friar1610]

When I read the comments from guys who say they can’t imagine starting a new relationship if they survive their wives after a long and loving marriage, I say to myself “that’s me.” But never having been in that situation (and hoping never to be) I can’t really say how I would feel. When we moved into our duplex condo in a small over-55 community 6 years ago we were surprised to learn our neighbors on the other side of the duplex were “newlyweds”. He was a widower about 5 years older than I and she about my wife’s age. They had each sold their homes and bought the condo when they married. He and I became pretty good friends and he told me he never-ever envisioned a 2nd marriage after his wife died, but 5 years later here he was happily married again. So based on this guy’s experience (and he and I were very similar personality and values-wise) I would never say never. (Sadly, he has since passed.)

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Well, my wife has an identical twin, and her husband is significantly older. Odds are that I will kick before my DW, but, if not, I suppose I have a built-in backup plan!

(The foregoing is largely in jest. Largely, but not entirely! )

 

[2017ish]

FWIW, my mom was in a near 50 year marriage when my dad died. Surprisingly to me and my sibs, she subsequently met and married a high school friend of one of her younger brothers--who was himself a widower after 50 year marriage. They are now 10 years in on their second chance and it has been great for each of them. Neither has forgotten or downgraded their first spouse, but....

 

[Koolau]

We have made several trips to, for instance, assisted living communities, nursing facilities and senior planning sessions. One thing I noted was that there were always considerably more females than males. It occurred to me that such places would be good places to find women if the need ever arose. BUT, then it also occurred to me that, after 50+ years with the same woman, I'd never recover in time after losing her to go looking for another. I think I'd be too devastated. I just can't even imagine ever dating again but YMMV.

 

[TimeMeasure]

First of all, to the original poster, sorry to hear of the unexpected loss of your marriage. That is generally traumatic at any age. After 60, it must seem especially hard to imagine “what next.”

In my case, hopefully that will remain forever a hypothetical... but that is unlikely, since DW is significantly older, and has a progressive condition. Have thought sometimes about what one would feel, and do, after losing a long, happy marriage, and being “of a certain age.”

Although there are probably many women with whom one could get along well... it’s hard to imagine anyone having a spirit comparable with DW... and although apparently it works for many, it doesn’t sound at all fulfilling (to me) to have one of the “nice companionable relationships with no intention of marrying.” Those always sound... “nice”... but without the deep felt bond of a true affinity of souls. Not to disparage those arrangements for people who want and enjoy them, but in my case, I think such an arrangement would just underscore the past loss of DW, and what would still be missing. If I wanted a companionable friendship, I think I’d prefer to keep it just a friendship, and nothing more... and although I know I’d prefer to live with a deeply felt bond, I suspect it would be very hard to find after DW.

And in the hypothetical situation after DW... hopefully would be very cautious and discerning about people’s real natures, and real motivations. (As others have said, don’t jump into anything, just to be in a relationship.) The only relationship worth pursuing, in my case, would be with a woman who, like me, would want to discern the real nature of a person, to see whether there are grounds for a deep affinity. If, as an older male, one heard women speaking of men looking for a “nurse with a purse,” as the saying goes... one would tend to keep looking. Caution is good, but when it graduates into cynicism, it obscures the quest to understand the real person. After many years as caregiver for a significantly older DW, I would only consider a relationship with someone who sought to perceive the real person.

And maybe that’s the main thought for the original poster, and anyone in that situation. Life is short. If you look for a relationship, seek to perceive the real person. And make sure that they too are someone whose primary interest is to see the real person who you are.

 

[gerntz]

Upright, sober, older men are badly outnumbered.

 

[Markola]

My dad is the ultimate introvert but he found a nice lady when they were both in their 60s, meeting online, which is to say they both wanted a relationship. She’s a fun-loving retired art teacher who must like a “project” person to take up with my dad. I love my dad but he simply does not speak to people he does not know (don’t ask me to untangle that obvious riddle.) They cohabitate in a 55+ community in FL and my dad has become the excellent, devoted “nurse” at age 81 as she’s developed dementia. They both have their own modest “purses”. I’m telling you, if my dad can find a partner late in life, it’s proof that if there’s a will, there’s a way.

 

[Amethyst]

Well said. The fly in the ointment, as I see it, is that what prompts two people to stick with each other long enough to "see the real person," as you put it (and it does take time; I was still finding out things about my husband at the 20-year mark) is the desire to form a family, usually involving children. Age eliminates that, for the most part.

So then it becomes a matter of, "Why would anyone want to stick with someone so long that they get to know them deeply"? What do Old men and women have to offer one another, and how picky are they at the outset?

It's not cynicism to decry the "nurse and purse" trope, or the "companionship/someone to go places with" onr. It's simply that Old men and women are not looking to mate and raise families. So, other than companionship, what could prompt them to commit the time and energy to form as strong a bond as in earlier years? In many if not most instances, it's going to be fear - of loss of status as a couple, loss of health, loss of income. Those are just facts.

First of all, to the original poster, sorry to hear of the unexpected loss of your marriage. That is generally traumatic at any age. After 60, it must seem especially hard to imagine “what next.”

In my case, hopefully that will remain forever a hypothetical... but that is unlikely, since DW is significantly older, and has a progressive condition. Have thought sometimes about what one would feel, and do, after losing a long, happy marriage, and being “of a certain age.”

Although there are probably many women with whom one could get along well... it’s hard to imagine anyone having a spirit comparable with DW... and although apparently it works for many, it doesn’t sound at all fulfilling (to me) to have one of the “nice companionable relationships with no intention of marrying.” Those always sound... “nice”... but without the deep felt bond of a true affinity of souls. Not to disparage those arrangements for people who want and enjoy them, but in my case, I think such an arrangement would just underscore the past loss of DW, and what would still be missing. If I wanted a companionable friendship, I think I’d prefer to keep it just a friendship, and nothing more... and although I know I’d prefer to live with a deeply felt bond, I suspect it would be very hard to find after DW.

And in the hypothetical situation after DW... hopefully would be very cautious and discerning about people’s real natures, and real motivations. (As others have said, don’t jump into anything, just to be in a relationship.) The only relationship worth pursuing, in my case, would be with a woman who, like me, would want to discern the real nature of a person, to see whether there are grounds for a deep affinity. If, as an older male, one heard women speaking of men looking for a “nurse with a purse,” as the saying goes... one would tend to keep looking. Caution is good, but when it graduates into cynicism, it obscures the quest to understand the real person. After many years as caregiver for a significantly older DW, I would only consider a relationship with someone who sought to perceive the real person.

And maybe that’s the main thought for the original poster, and anyone in that situation. Life is short. If you look for a relationship, seek to perceive the real person. And make sure that they too are someone whose primary interest is to see the real person who you are.

 

[TimeMeasure]

Well said. The fly in the ointment, as I see it, is that what prompts two people to stick with each other long enough to "see the real person,"... is the desire to form a family, usually involving children....Old men and women are not looking to mate and raise families. So, other than companionship, what could prompt them to commit the time and energy to form as strong a bond as in earlier years? In many if not most instances, it's going to be fear - of loss of status as a couple, loss of health, loss of income.

I hear you... and you may be right... but if I could posit an alternative explanation...

Could it not be that Joy... rather than Fear... is what drives the formation of not only most friendships... but also most deep relationships... at any age?

Perhaps it’s not really provable, or quantifiable, that this is so, and maybe it comes down to different world views, shaped by different personal experiences, and moving in different circles... but I would like to think that Joy... or the prospect of it... is what drives much social interaction... including the formation of deep bonds. And (said with a smile) this is so uncharacteristically optimistic (for me) that I’m somewhat inclined to think it’s true!

As one really specific case in point (and maybe this partly shapes my own world view)... when DW and I met, we were old enough that we knew we would not be starting a family. The mating drive (in the sense of procreating), and the desire for children, didn’t play a role. It was also true that we were both financially strong enough, and in good health, and still young enough... not to mention adventurous enough in spirit and essentially fearless... that there was no element of Fear. So, neither Procreation nor Fear played a role... what did?

Quite simply... Joy. The deep pleasure in interacting with each other... such that we were friends almost instantly... and over time, that deepened into courtship... and marriage.

And I tend to think that... even if I were truly old... what would mainly drive me to spend time on friendships... or relationships... would be joy, and pleasure, at truly knowing others. Perhaps age will prove that to be wrong... but I have seen it be true for others.

Again, not to negate another world view... for another’s experiences can’t be negated... but this is one world view... based on one set of experiences and observations...

 

[Montecfo]

We have made several trips to, for instance, assisted living communities, nursing facilities and senior planning sessions. One thing I noted was that there were always considerably more females than males.

The comic Alan King did a funny bit about this. If you have not seen it and perhaps especially if you have, enjoy.

https://youtu.be/PypsMk_0QxY

 

[TimeMeasure]

The comic Alan King did a funny bit about this.

Thank you for posting this - DW and I both cracked up watching this just now!

 

[Poopycat]

From observations--Women who can play golf seem to meet a lot more eligible men. On the other hand, men who can dance (even a little) seem to meet more eligible women. YMMV

Dang...I guess I’d better put my tennis racquet away and drag my bag of golf clubs out of storage. Bummer. Tennis is so much more fun to me

And I didn’t exactly reel the guys in when I did play golf. I think some people just may not be destined to end up with a life partner.

 

[O2Bfree]

Pursuing fitness is one thing. Having to jump around in the hot sun to hit some type of ball, and also feel like I need to be "good enough" to play, is quite another. No way!

What's worse is being better than he is!