We fought the good fight

[jime444]

Just wanted to talk some, maybe get some advice. Had one hellacious career, a battle. We Retired approx 5 years ago. Lots of medical issues for me, heart mostly. Bypass etc.

Now, it’s just me, I’m 61. Lost my much better half. She passed away 8 weeks ago to a unknown (to us) illness. Non-covid. In less than a week. To say I’m devastated would be an understatement. Miss her terribly, am trying to keep busy.

Financially ok. Her pensions/SS gone, there’s $2KK in investments plus 2 homes mostly paid for. SS survivor benefits are 2.2k per month. Think I’m gonna let my SS grow, not sure how to do a analysis in when to take given my health issues. Fra is 67. Don’t give a damn about LTC, aint going there…….ever.. .

I’d like to withdraw plenty. Firecalc 95 says $120k; need about $5k/mo lavish. What to do. Concerned with taxes given the current spending spree in DC. No kids, but some gifting ideas/like to do. Also downsizing already; one home, two cars, toys, trailers are all getting reviewed.

Travelled my whole life for business. Been all over hell. No interest whatsoever of offshore travel. May do some travel in US [mod edit]
No real questions, conservative investor, history buff. Would like some advice on spending, travel, dealing with my loss, etc. yes I’ve seen a therapist…………wasn’t for me……………..

 

[MichaelB]

Condolences for your loss, jime444

 

[old medic]

1st off very sorry to hear of your loss... A therapist is a great idea... but the best ones in the world don't have a lambskin on the wall... Look for local support groups or online forums. Your not alone in this struggle...
If your sitting well I would set the downsizing goals first with a history tour trip planning in the background...

 

[RunningBum]

Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. Take whatever time you need for grieving. No need to make changes right away unless you are ready.

Regarding your health, my dad had a major heart attack and bypass surgery in his mid 50s. Prostate cancer in his early 60s. He's 87, and would probably have a number of years left except that the cancer came back. So do all the things you want to do, but your financial planning shouldn't be for a limited life span.

Re: gifting, are you talking about to relatives/friends, or charities? If for charities, consider how to do it the best way tax-wise. If you itemize tax deductions, setting up a DAF (donor advised fund) with appreciated assets, that is a very good way. If not, you might wait for major donations until you are 70 1/2 and can do QCDs.

Good luck. Keep the good memories, always.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Please accept my condolences.

 

[Choices]

The best advice seems to be to wait 6 mos to a year before doing any house selling, etc. Support groups are a great idea…they have “ been there”, sometimes a therapist, not so much.
So sorry for your loss.

 

[O2Bfree]

So sorry about your loss, what a shock. It seems so unfair, working hard for so many years, and then the reward of free time comes later in life when things start falling apart.

How is your health now? Do you have an exercise program or have you found some sporting activities you enjoy? So many good things about physical activity, good for the body and mind, better than therapy for some folks.

 

[RxMan]

My condolences on your loss. No real advice other than make sure you get through your grieving period before making large financial/lifestyle decisions. You want to make sure you aren’t making decisions based on emotions. Good luck to you!

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

My condolences on your profound loss. My heart goes out to you.

I also would recommend not making any major moves for some months yet.

 

[pacergal]

jime444--
sincerest condolences on the loss of your wife, allow yourself plenty of time to grieve. As others have said, an individual therapist may not have worked for you, but perhaps a group might be more beneficial.
Focus on the good memories, soon the smiles will be more than the tears.
Feel free to continue to share here, it's a pretty supportive place.
Take care.

 

[jime444]

Thanks

All of you, thanks for your kind thoughts. We had already planned several things, selling the big house, downsizing etc. Also, several bigger trips. I’m going to continue the path. As for the trips, don’t really see the point for most of it. Maybe, someday I’ll change my mind.

All I can recommend is give your better half a big hug and kiss on this historic, infamous day. We did fight the good fight, worked and sweated, planned and built. but now it seems just so much inconsequential nonsense. Life is very unfair…………

 

[Sunset]

Condolences on your loss, what a terrible shock it must have been.

Hopefully you have some friends to talk to about everything.

I'll repeat what others have said;
take it slow, there is no rush to do anything at this time. During grief a person often can make decisions and actions that are very regretted later when they are past the grief.

 

[FI_by_2023]

Sorry for your loss….please accept my
condolences. Please take care of yourself during this difficult and painful time.

 

[TriumphTR3fan]

Sorry for your loss. Just being alone is hard. Travel can have a big effect on your mental health just by moving & doing. It’s really the mental stimulation. It can be as simple as going to Costco.

 

[38Chevy454]

jime444--
sincerest condolences on the loss of your wife, allow yourself plenty of time to grieve. As others have said, an individual therapist may not have worked for you, but perhaps a group might be more beneficial.
Focus on the good memories, soon the smiles will be more than the tears.
Feel free to continue to share here, it's a pretty supportive place.
Take care.

X2, your life has had a major disruption and you need time. Time to grieve and deal with the loss of your wife. Time to talk with others, I concur that therapists are not the magic answer. Many times a support group is much better and effective. Time will help replace the current sadness with the good memories. Time to better evaluate your plans and what you want to do.



Yes life is unfair and throws curveballs. As for the planned travel, I agree that those plans with your wife are going to change. Once some time has passed and you have better ideas for the future, you can figure out what type of travel you may want to do. Not sure if you have a pet, but a dog especially can be a great companion on some of those trips.

 

[NanoSour]

Sincere condolences for your loss Jime444. I'm not a religious type, but I know her spirit will bring you comfort during your transition to what life will be like going forward. You live in a beautiful part of the country. Make sure you get out and let that beauty help to heal your heart. My best wishes to you.

 

[Montecfo]

Jime444,
I am saddened by your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences.

I am sure there is little any of us can say, but perhaps each of us can leave you with something a bit more than what you had when you began this thread.

Grieving is a slow process. Time is your friend. They say to make no major decisions for a year. Trust that.

34 years ago I lost my mom who passed quickly due to a rare disease. She was 48.

My dear stepdad took comfort in Tim Hansel's "You Gotta Keep Dancin' ", a small book and a good read.

It is my sincere hope that you can find comfort with each new day.

Best,

Montecfo

 

[Extra Medium]

My condolences; I am so sorry to hear of this terrible loss.

I agree that finding people in your life is great, therapist or not. A volunteering gig, a cards club, cycling group, or some other informal sport to do with others? Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, being with people (and maybe pets) can reinforce that our lives matter more in context to our world and how we fit into it. These associations can bring not only comfort, but even meaning, whether you talk intimately or not. Just something to consider.

I'll admit this answer is somewhat influenced by reading Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" recently, and finding it really inspiring.

Good luck in your journey. I'm glad you're in this group.

 

[street]

Man, that is terrible, so sorry to heat that.

 

[mystang52]

Condolences on your tragic loss. Reading your original post, you may find that after your grieving abates your interest in history can help in your next step. As others mentioned, take your time during this period. Maybe consider, though, writing down some plans to visit sites of historic interest here in U.S. and nearby. Perhaps this will help during this tough emotional period.

 

[Pointby2]

No real questions, conservative investor, history buff. Would like some advice on spending, travel, dealing with my loss, etc. yes I’ve seen a therapist…………wasn’t for me……………..

Condolences, as well. But, to answer your question. I'd highly recommend Stephen Ambrose Historical Tours. Great tours, well run with amazing tour guides and you'll also be able to meet some people with shared interests during the tour.

 

[HI Bill]

Condolences for your sudden loss. Sounds like you have a spending problem (not enough ways to effectively spend your income). Some thoughts: ROTH IRA conversions, especially if you're concerned about future tax rates. Charitable contributions. What you want/like/love/would like to do. Now, you have resources to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, or buy (almost) anything you've really wanted. With an uncertain health future, I'd consider taking SS early, given your other assets and income potential. Since you're up for domestic travel, I'd consider buying a small campervan and travelling the US and Canadian National and state parks! While I'd generally agree with others at not making any major decisions for a year, at this time in your life (age, health), I'd wait just a few months, thinking about things and recovering, and then try to move on, especially in ways that aren't irrevocable. Best wishes!

 

[RunningBum]

^^ Right, since you'll still be able to file MFJ this year, it is probably a good time to do some Roth conversions or perhaps 0% LTCGs if you can.

 

[Katiek]

So sorry to hear about your loss. A sudden death can be hard because you don't get a chance to prepare, but you're also thankful they didn't suffer long. But it is that much more shocking for everyone left behind.


I hope this forum can help provide some comfort, or at least a place to talk when you want to. I echo what RunningBum said. My Dad had a lot of heart and other health issues in his late 50's but he lived to late 80's. Make sure your plans also cover an unexpectedly long life span.



But don't feel any rush to take actions or decide what your life will look like in the future. Take your time and consider things only when you're ready. My sincere sympathies.

 

[CindyBlue]

All I can recommend is give your better half a big hug and kiss...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers for a long time.

I agree with other about giving it time. A very good friend (who lost both his parents on the same day) told me, when my mom passed, that "You never get over it. You just get through it." That proved to be so true for me. I never got over losing her, and his words let me know that it's ok not to "get over it" - they gave me "permission" to not "get over it" the way people seem to think I should. I just get through every day, one at a time. It made it possible for me to go to work and deal with everyday tasks. I think about his words often - they give me comfort.

I just took your advice and gave my DH a hug and a kiss. Thank you for the reminder to cherish every day with him...