“Purpose” in Retirement -

Naps, doctors, hobbies keeps me as busy as I want.
 
Wes Moss has a great book called "what the happiest retirees know" - definitely worth a read! I really like his focus on "Core Pursuits", and what seems to be common denominators for a happy retirement. If you have at least 4 or 5 core pursuits in your life, you are much more likely to be happy.

Some examples of core pursuits include having some consistent social life activities (golf or tennis club for example), frequent human connections including family and friends, being part of a church or other spiritual group, giving back in some way, regular exercise (for some reason tennis is a huge winner for longevity but there are many others), and preparing and eating healthy meals.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention - curiosity is a great trait! Try things. See what you like and what you don't like. Who knows? Maybe something will strike your fancy and become a fun new part of your life.
I don't know if it's listed in the book, but I would think the presence of a loving relationship with a long-term partner would help in the "happiness" scale. YMMV
 
I don't know if it's listed in the book, but I would think the presence of a loving relationship with a long-term partner would help in the "happiness" scale. YMMV
Yes! He does discuss this and it is definitely a positive factor in his happiness survey ratings.
 
I don't know if it's listed in the book, but I would think the presence of a loving relationship with a long-term partner would help in the "happiness" scale. YMMV

That's been my number one life goal for quite some time, unfortunately I think the older one gets, the more challenging it is to actually find someone to experience that with.
 
That's been my number one life goal for quite some time, unfortunately I think the older one gets, the more challenging it is to actually find someone to experience that with.
I've been quietly looking for a "close female friend" after my DW passed in 2022. I've met several ladies who are in the position and have the qualifications to be that Lucky Lady, but I haven't felt any connection to any of them. Either I am looking in the wrong places, or they are as rare as "hen's teeth". For the time being, I have settled for my new dog who seems to be a good substitute.
 
I've been quietly looking for a "close female friend" after my DW passed in 2022. I've met several ladies who are in the position and have the qualifications to be that Lucky Lady, but I haven't felt any connection to any of them. Either I am looking in the wrong places, or they are as rare as "hen's teeth". For the time being, I have settled for my new dog who seems to be a good substitute.
Be content with the dog. Enough said!
 
I've been quietly looking for a "close female friend" after my DW passed in 2022. I've met several ladies who are in the position and have the qualifications to be that Lucky Lady, but I haven't felt any connection to any of them. Either I am looking in the wrong places, or they are as rare as "hen's teeth". For the time being, I have settled for my new dog who seems to be a good substitute.
Maybe be happy if she has real teeth? Dog seems a good substitute no matter what.
 
The purpose of life used to be very simple: survival and procreation. Sitting at the top of the food chain we have achieved that. Humans can easily survive and procreate whenever they want so we are done with that part and we are now in pursuit of the "meaning" of life, a quest that is far more challenging as it is deeply personal and unique to each individual.
Quite so! Our modern reckonings of purpose, meaning, significance and so on, are very much a stark departure from our creaturely past, of how we came to be, and how we came to comport with our former environment. For some 3 or 4 thousand years, most of Humanity has been living a contrived life, contrary to how evolution shaped us. We have built fabulous monuments, torn them down, and rebuilt them, in myriad iterations. But we have yet to rebuild our own selves.

In modern times, our three surrogate sources of "purpose", have been parenting, religion and careers. I have no children (by choice) and no religion (also by choice, unless we believe in predestination). With career gone, that means... what? Posting on forums?
 
Please help me find the elusive Purpose in my retirement .

My background -
We both retired in 2015, am 68 & DW 63, worked hard for 30yrs after coming to US with a professional degree but as dirt poor legal immigrants.

Have a large savings portfolio now with projections showing leaving much money to kids & charities when we pass, thanks to the available opportunities.
I have been a 30+ yr Vanguard Index investor DIYer & market has treated me well overall, have been lucky to find & be a part of this & bogleheads forum for decades. We have a DAF at Fidelity & have been doing more & more donations to charities.

I volunteer 4 days in a month at nearby free clinics, wife does weekly Meals on Wheels.

Beyond that all the rest of time is spent on lots of socializing with friends, social functions, doctor visits, weekly temple, visits to kids/grandkids, taking care of a smart 11 yr old Schnauzer , but all the house cleaning, the lawn & handy man work around the house is all hired out as money is not much of a concern at this stage in life & I am not good at these jobs anyway and the learning curve will be very steep if I begin to try, I help out DW some in the kitchen.
We go for occasional walks with our dog on the trails & in our neighborhood & also occasional Gym visits. We help out at the monthly Senior meetings & I have spoken to this & for such meetings about health topics.

We travel within US, and often to Europe & India, at least it seems more than what our friends/ people around us do. We had a RV for initial 2-3 yrs of our retirement & travelled extensively across the country but sold it when its storage days got to be many more rather than being used.

So my main point is I do not have any particular purpose per se in my life right now & everything regarding retirement I read about centers around finding the Purpose.
I did have an engrossing career with many 12-14 hour days a norm for 30 yrs.

I volunteered at the County Gardening Center weekly for a few years but my weak leg after the unfortunate road accident which ended my career comes in the way of sitting & kneeling on to the ground, so that was that.

Many days a vacant & a rather depressing day stares at me when I get up.
My initiative seems to be dying out to go and find that elusive activity & I am afraid my 70s & beyond will be worse, apart from these seemingly superficial social interactions & getting inactive & lazier.

So in the end the summary of my worry & this long post is that the money angle is fine but the non money part needs lot of work to be done by me.
I did not have ANY hobbies while I was busy working, my bad.

How do/did you find that purpose, please share, maybe although late in life I can start doing that activity .

Thanks & regards
Hello my friend, congratulations on your success. I found myself in similar shoes; here’s the advice of some random internet guy.

I spent a lot of time reading particularly philosophical stuff to answer this question.

Let me save you a lot of time. The meaning to life your meaning is whatever you choose to make it. Choose wisely.

I write books. I also read a lot, but I also garden, spend time with my kids, take glorious mid-day naps, and learned to make the perfect cup of coffee.

While my spouse still works she has long since been FI and she is almost a world class chef although no one outside of our home would know.

Thinking about a choice is bad. Just make one. It doesn’t matter if it’s making a great cup of coffee or climbing a mountain. The important thing is to pick something and do it. You can always change your mind and do something else after the fact.

You got this! I have faith in you. Please let me know what you decide to do, I am interested.
 
I've been quietly looking for a "close female friend" after my DW passed in 2022. I've met several ladies who are in the position and have the qualifications to be that Lucky Lady, but I haven't felt any connection to any of them. Either I am looking in the wrong places, or they are as rare as "hen's teeth". For the time being, I have settled for my new dog who seems to be a good substitute.
You need to have an attraction to someone and that unexplainable feeling that you are excited to see them. That’s what is hard to find.
 
You need to have an attraction to someone and that unexplainable feeling that you are excited to see them. That’s what is hard to find.
Yes, either I have been looking in the wrong places or the "fuel" that feeds the attraction gene is exhausted from my body.
 
Yes, either I have been looking in the wrong places or the "fuel" that feeds the attraction gene is exhausted from my body.
You just haven’t met the right person.
 
Quite so! Our modern reckonings of purpose, meaning, significance and so on, are very much a stark departure from our creaturely past, of how we came to be, and how we came to comport with our former environment. For some 3 or 4 thousand years, most of Humanity has been living a contrived life, contrary to how evolution shaped us. We have built fabulous monuments, torn them down, and rebuilt them, in myriad iterations. But we have yet to rebuild our own selves.

In modern times, our three surrogate sources of "purpose", have been parenting, religion and careers. I have no children (by choice) and no religion (also by choice, unless we believe in predestination). With career gone, that means... what? Posting on forums?
Predestination? You believe in fate? I am tickled, if I have this correct why? And how do you feel about the free will question?
 
If I were to pick a retirement purpose, it would be what I do most mornings.

Flexibility movements.
For me there is nothing more important than the ability to move smoothly. Which generates good life outlook, great posture, reasonably good health (I take zero prescription meds) and ease of walking. Keeps me in good shape for dancing and Figure skating on Ice. The ability to do both is a good feedback and motivator for Somatics.

As for AJ's prospects, my vote is for the dog.

In my case over the past 7 years there was one fairly long term connection with a woman, who turned out to be a functioning alcoholic. And after breakup, my nieces confided that their info from several women in town, the consesus was that said girlfriend was also a gold digger. The way it was put to them: He either has money or she thinks he does. A sad discovery. Turns out she lives in condo complex where 7 other woman live. I think they are the saving grace to the local liqueur store.

I do a good bit of swing dancing in Pittsburgh, mostly young ladies, the occasional middle aged woman shows up and wants several dances with me, I always leave early. Having great excuse of over an hour travel and my preferred sack time of 10PM, rarely later than 11. Avoids an awful lot of hassles. 'notherwords am no longer looking.
 
If I were to pick a retirement purpose, it would be what I do most mornings.

Flexibility movements.
For me there is nothing more important than the ability to move smoothly. Which generates good life outlook, great posture, reasonably good health (I take zero prescription meds) and ease of walking. Keeps me in good shape for dancing and Figure skating on Ice. The ability to do both is a good feedback and motivator for Somatics.

As for AJ's prospects, my vote is for the dog.

In my case over the past 7 years there was one fairly long term connection with a woman, who turned out to be a functioning alcoholic. And after breakup, my nieces confided that their info from several women in town, the consesus was that said girlfriend was also a gold digger. The way it was put to them: He either has money or she thinks he does. A sad discovery. Turns out she lives in condo complex where 7 other woman live. I think they are the saving grace to the local liqueur store.

I do a good bit of swing dancing in Pittsburgh, mostly young ladies, the occasional middle aged woman shows up and wants several dances with me, I always leave early. Having great excuse of over an hour travel and my preferred sack time of 10PM, rarely later than 11. Avoids an awful lot of hassles. 'notherwords am no longer looking.
From your above experience with the lady, that's what I mostly worry about. There are a lot of both sexes out there with dead spouses, but not much knowledge of each other's motives in a potential relationship situation.

My dog has been a great, loyal friend and good therapy for me. That's why I am not feeling a huge urge to start a relationship with an aged woman. I have dated a couple of ladies over the last year and enjoyed the brief time I have spent with them, but that was it, if you know what I mean. If the right one came along, and I was interested, I have not yet thought out what the arrangement would be like going forward, but it wouldn't include marriage again.
 
Strictly out of curiosity (and because I think about it as well): Do you ever think about leaving the Islands for the Mainland since you will soon be retired? I love life in the Islands, but now my kids/GKs are more or less in one place on the mainland (they were scattered all over until just this year.) Probably the only reason I would leave the Islands is for that reason.
That's a really complicated question. My partner is from here and most of her family lives here although not near us or even on Hawaii Island. While she is not extremely close with them she does visit every couple of years. (They are on different islands and covid led to some estrangement...) My own family is mostly dead but my only sibling is really happy to visit frequently. Neither of us have any kids.

We live on a 5-acre coffee farm that is getting more and more difficult to maintain at my age. While I am in good health I don't think I want to be doing the yard work 10 or 20 years from now.

So yes, I have thought about selling at some point and moving to the mainland. I think the trigger would be if I or my partner got a serious disease that made moving to a place with better healthcare desirable.

But at this point we're pretty happy where we are!
 
Yes, either I have been looking in the wrong places or the "fuel" that feeds the attraction gene is exhausted from my body.
What was that line from Jerry Maguire? "Show me the money."

Heh, heh, Show THEM the money. It's an aphrodisiac.

Old joke: He told her he had piles and she thought he meant money. :facepalm: :cool:
 
That's a really complicated question. My partner is from here and most of her family lives here although not near us or even on Hawaii Island. While she is not extremely close with them she does visit every couple of years. (They are on different islands and covid led to some estrangement...) My own family is mostly dead but my only sibling is really happy to visit frequently. Neither of us have any kids.

We live on a 5-acre coffee farm that is getting more and more difficult to maintain at my age. While I am in good health I don't think I want to be doing the yard work 10 or 20 years from now.

So yes, I have thought about selling at some point and moving to the mainland. I think the trigger would be if I or my partner got a serious disease that made moving to a place with better healthcare desirable.

But at this point we're pretty happy where we are!
Thanks. You're so right that it's complicated. We have SO many friends in the Islands after 17 years that it would be difficult to leave now.

The good news is that (at least while we are able) we can spend weeks to months on the mainland near the old homestead which is now ground zero for family (as well as OLD friends, of course.) Who knew!?

So far we have been very happy with health care options in Honolulu. I feel sorry for folks on outer Island who need to travel to Honolulu for some treatments/diagnostics.

What we HAVE encountered with friends is that any specialized cancer treatments (especially clinical trials) have to take place in California or Texas for those of us who live in the Islands.
 
I've been quietly looking for a "close female friend" after my DW passed in 2022. I've met several ladies who are in the position and have the qualifications to be that Lucky Lady, but I haven't felt any connection to any of them. Either I am looking in the wrong places, or they are as rare as "hen's teeth". For the time being, I have settled for my new dog who seems to be a good substitute.
I am with a new partner after a divorce several years ago. I cannot really relate to your situation but I do have a real connection with my new partner.

But it is in a much different way than I had with my wife. My advice to you would be to let each relationship develop without being compared to any prior one. Be open to connections in different ways.

When we are young our expectations from a relationship are more about building a family, maybe lots of sex, maybe pleasing/impressing family and community.

Once we are older I think companionship is a much bigger component. Don't block one of your lucky ladies because she does not measure up to your wonderful departed wife but don't settle either. You probably don't measure up to the husband she spent decades with.

But yeah, dogs are cool too!
 
What we HAVE encountered with friends is that any specialized cancer treatments (especially clinical trials) have to take place in California or Texas for those of us who live in the Islands.
PNW is another option for healthcare and cancer treatment. That's probably where I would look at especially the Portland area, but really not looking! As I'm sure you are aware there is a close connection between PNW folks and Hawaii people, Hawaii people moving for jobs and PNWers coming here to escape weather.
 
Back
Top Bottom