63 and still deep in parenthood and the “not good”

[mystang52]

I suspect that the bottom line is how deep do you want to be involved in parenthood at this stage of your children's lives and are you doing this for you or for them?

I think this cake is baked. How they slice and consume it is now up to them. You can flit on them until you are blue in the face but will that change their outcome or does it make you feel better?

I fully empathize with OP. My 2 kids are older, parents themselves, financially comfortable. But they still call me for advice on various issues. You never stop being a parent.

 

[Scrapr]

Perhaps if you served some "Hair of the Dog" you could judge her reaction. If she runs from the room puking in the bathroom...there's your culprit. At least that is mine 40 years on. Rum at a Beach Boys concert. Never, and I mean never again.

Just surprise her a bit at dinner! And yeah, I'd bet it was shots. I'd rub it in a little just to make sure she remembered. In a fun way of course

 

[kcowan]

I really think that we do our children a dis service by not letting go and allowing them to move forward with their lives.

I aced school with amazing scholarship marks. So when my boys were at the Uni, I laid off and simply said: "you will get assistance for 4 years". After that, you are on your own. It worked out just fine. FIL also committed to give them a cash grant upon graduation to buy their first car.

One took over my Mazda RX7 and some cash. The other took a used Nissan 240sx on a lease. Very different approaches.

They still live different lives but I feel confident that we let them develop on their own.

 

[tulak]

I think a lot of this also depends on the relationship you have, or want to have, with your kids. I feel that we stopped parenting awhile ago, especially when it comes to school. DS is a freshman in college and DD a junior in HS. Both of our kids want to make money and realize an education will help them achieve that goal. They also realize that us paying for their college education is a damn good deal. It’s pretty much up to them to mess it up.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t talk about their classes, what’s going on in their life, etc. Same way that I talk about my work stuff with them. Part of this also includes sharing advice (heck, isn’t that what we do on this forum?). I also do this with my friends, so why not my kids?

DS comes home every couple of weeks for the weekend, mostly to visit his girlfriend. I’m looking forward to grabbing coffee with him and catching up when he’s here. We don’t talk every day, but I sure hope that I’ll have a long-term friendship with both my kids.

 

[brett]

I was in a position to pay for my own post secondary education thanks to some very good summer jobs, and part time jobs through the year. My parents never questioned my marks. They knew, that I understood that this part was key to my future. Marks were never an issue for me.

I had friends in university who left. Sometimes poor marks, an over active social life was really an out for them. For some, university was not the right place. They were there because it was the thing to do or because their parents pushed them to it. Some have subsequently build very successful lives, careers, and in once case a very successful business. Post secondary was just not for them. They needed something else and were fortunate enough to find it. A few others returned...but when it was 'right' for them and they were truly ready for it.

We paid for both our childrens education. And today, if our son decided in his early 30's that he may return for additional post graduate work or to enable a second career, we would happily assist him financially. But we never considered paying their tuition entitled us to audit the results down to the end of term course marks. Nor do I think that they would have appreciated that incursion. If they do not get it by the third of fourth year of university then chances are it will take them a great deal longer, if ever.

Of course we were, and are, always there for them. But we do not expect them to live in our pockets. Nor do they.

 

[Badger]

+1 ..

4. With regard to ‘hovering’ over my son. I heard from the Mrs. he was struggling with history. My only two lines texted to him in the last 2 weeks: “I assume you are giving history your full attention “ answer: “yes” “how is everything else going?” Answer : “the only class I’m struggling with is history ...all the rest are fine”. My second question was more about college life in general but he didn’t read it that way i didn’t want to pester him. The Mrs has the more regular weekly contact.

That in my opinion is about as far from hovering as one can get. Since history is pretty much the retention of facts I am annoyed but I recognize it is his deal... It is however the Mrs and my hard earned money so We “have skin in the game”.

For what it's worth everyone has their strong areas of interest. I also had a hard time learning history in a classroom setting although I enjoy watching all the history, archeology, etc programs on the History Channel. However, did very well in the numerous Biology and Chemistry classes as well as Psych and Philosophy. I find it amusing that some wonder how your son can have a difficult time with history (after all it's just a little memorization). I wonder if they would say the same thing about the sciences.

Cheers!