A Friend in need , how can I help

[Breedlove]

Today we all went out to lunch my needy friend his wife , my wife and another classmate . Originally three of us moved from Ohio to Texas together so our friendship runs deep. The other classmate of course brings a notebook and starts to try to help . The needy guy is in real trouble about, three weeks ago he fell getting
out of his truck and his wife and son couldn’t get him up . They had to call the VFD to get him up. You would laugh if you didn’t love the guy . The other classmate is a no joke type guy so he starts off man you got to get your life in order . Get out and walk , the guy can’t walk his weight and knees are shot . He can’t get surgery until he loses 100lbs . I know y’all think this is BS , it isn’t . So they go over bills . He had told us if he had 30k they could make their bills …..no they can’t .He pays his two daughters and sons car insurance . The other classmate says let them get their own insurance. My friend says we will take care of that . We find out his wife and him have some type of contract of monthly massages . They have a contract for dog grooming of their two dogs. House payment , home improvement 50k solar panels a generator and addition to the house 34k in Credit cards and a car payment . Wife makes around 65k my friend has SS about 28k . This meeting didn’t work , he kept saying if he could rake up 30k they could make it . My other classmate said their is some type of credit credit counseling that they can get you out of about half your debt . He said your credit will be shot but you will keep your home . All the way on the ride home , my wife said it is none of my business . Leave it alone . But it’s hard to see a lifetime friend you can’t help. My other classmate said our friend is not being straight , he thinks there is more debt.

 

[Breedlove]

Some have questioned short haul driving . We went over that , he actually had a pretty good gig . Drive across country pickup a load and drive . From what he told us this is pretty unusual as he left his truck very little during the trip. He can’t climb , he can’t walk very far with even his Walker most the time he is on a mobility scooter. I don’t know how he has made it this far sadly he was a liability to his company. We left our lunch with everyone half mad .

 

[aja8888]

Breedlove, the first step should be credit counseling to extract the truth of his finances. They could help and help the family set up a plan. Friends shouldn't be handing them $30K without a professional (and truthful analysis) as that money would be gone in a heartbeat. And they probably would be right back where they started.

 

[Calico]

Today we all went out to lunch my needy friend his wife , my wife and another classmate . Originally three of us moved from Ohio to Texas together so our friendship runs deep. The other classmate of course brings a notebook and starts to try to help . The needy guy is in real trouble about, three weeks ago he fell getting out of his truck and his wife and son couldn’t get him up . They had to call the VFD to get him up. You would laugh if you didn’t love the guy . The other classmate is a no joke type guy so he starts off man you got to get your life in order . Get out and walk , the guy can’t walk his weight and knees are shot . He can’t get surgery until he loses 100lbs . I know y’all think this is BS , it isn’t . So they go over bills . He had told us if he had 30k they could make their bills …..no they can’t .He pays his two daughters and sons car insurance . The other classmate says let them get their own insurance. My friend says we will take care of that . We find out his wife and him have some type of contract of monthly massages . They have a contract for dog grooming of their two dogs. House payment , home improvement 50k solar panels a generator and addition to the house 34k in Credit cards and a car payment . Wife makes around 65k my friend has SS about 28k . This meeting didn’t work , he kept saying if he could rake up 30k they could make it . My other classmate said their is some type of credit credit counseling that they can get you out of about half your debt . He said your credit will be shot but you will keep your home . All the way on the ride home , my wife said it is none of my business . Leave it alone . But it’s hard to see a lifetime friend you can’t help. My other classmate said our friend is not being straight , he thinks there is more debt.

Tough love time.

1. Your broke friend wants your money. Period. Full stop. He doesn't want advice.

2. Your broke friend does not (and will not) do anything to get himself out of this mess.

3. Your wife and your other classmate are correct. Listen to them.

4. No amount of money you ever give them will resolve this. It will simply pay for more massages and dog grooming, etc.

5. It is quite possible to love someone and still not enable their disastrous behavior. It isn't easy, but it is definitely possible. I speak from decades of experience.

6. Lastly, if you give your friend any financial help, I believe you will be endangering your own marriage. Is that worth it to you?

 

[jazz4cash]

My other classmate said our friend is not being straight , he thinks there is more debt.

Of course there is. People that get in this deep do so by looking very near term and ignoring the big picture. That is why he thinks things will be OK if he could just scrape up $30k.
OTOH this just got a whole lot easier. BK is designed for folks in your friend's situation. No shame in clearing those debts out. Even his creditor’s knew the risk when they extended him credit. His own children seem to be taking advantage of him.
The bigger issue is not repeating the spending behavior and his general health. A family freind was pushing 300lbs and required a hip replacement. He was also told to lose 100 lbs but during the prelim eval they found a critical issue that required heart surgery. Good luck going forward.

 

[Texas Proud]

Wow... yes, it is worse than you are being told... probably much worse...

The $30K would do very little to get them out of trouble.. it MIGHT give them an extra month but then he would need another $30K or more...

I would not continue to see this friend if all he talks about is 'needing money' to get out of trouble... that is dry begging and I will not be around people who dry beg me... recommend he get professional help... counseling, a credit bureau that will help if he is being straight... a BK attorney if he is much worse than yo think... but HE and SHE need to do something positive to get the help they need... not someone to enable them in their destructive lifestyle...

 

[Aerides]

Yeah listen to your wife on this one. Back away, offer sympathy, but no money. It will not help.

 

[ElizabethT]

All the way on the ride home , my wife said it is none of my business . Leave it alone . But it’s hard to see a lifetime friend you can’t help.

Breedlove, at this point I feel you need to examine what is feeding you to continue to push to fix this in spite of your wife and another close and long time friend telling you to leave it alone.

It seems as if you are here waiting for someone to give you permission to give your friend money in spite of the certainty of the outcome. At this point, I feel it is now a 'You' problem, and not a 'Friend' problem.

 

[badatmath]

Well I'm not married so take that into consideration but I'd take a rather dim view of my husband giving away money in this circumstance even if it somehow did not come from our community funds. It seems very clear to me this is not going to solve the problem. . .

 

[jazz4cash]

OP, is your friend an owner-operator (e.g. owns his own truck) or did he drive a company owned truck? I presume the latter due to the liability issue.

 

[Sunset]

OP - Listen to your wife. No money for your friend.

Your friend has lots of money, it goes to 3 children's car insurance, free rent for son, luxuries like dog grooming and massages... probably a lot more...

Give your friend the phone number of the previously recommended credit counseling folks and let your friend decide to call or not.

Your lunch should have already proven to you, that you cannot help him as he likes to spend more money than he earns.

 

[Breedlove]

End of story as in the game show , we bailed out . Can’t help . We want to remain friends but not a loan company .

 

[Dtail]

Good decision.

 

[latexman]

Sometimes, a drowning victim cannot be saved, without considerable risk to others.

 

[aja8888]

End of story as in the game show , we bailed out . Can’t help . We want to remain friends but not a loan company .

Good luck!

 

[jazz4cash]

Good decision. Loaning money in this case is actually not helping in the long run IMO. There are other ways to help including just being a friend.

 

[EastWest Gal]

No money for the friend unless their utilities are going to be cut off. I paid off a friend's utility bills once each (paid directly to the company). She was similar to your friend-extremely overweight with bad knees. She put off going for bariatric surgery far too long and her knees got much worse. She wasn't a spendthrift; but she is poor.

Be a friend, not a bank.

At 71, he should be on Medicare and they pay for bariatric surgery. My friend had it last summer and has lost close to 100 lbs. She's now eligible for the knee replacements.

He needs to prioritize both his health and finances. But giving a handout won't help his health, and will barely dent his finances, and ruin a friendship.

 

[Koolau]

I would recommend consumer credit counselors. It’s a non profit organization- assuming it is still around.
Help your friend research the organization and ensure that he doesn’t get caught in a for profit one.
CC will give advice based on his situation and can negotiate with the banks/credit cards.
Find one close to him and offer to go with him. People in this situation typically highly stressed and anxious are unable to make the next step on their own.

Heh, heh, BFF went through one of the companies that more or less tell the CC companies take this amount and be satisfied or our client declares bankruptcy and you get squat. BFF saved over $50K right off the top. He was bummed that he only got to keep one card each (he and DW) with limits of IIRC $500 each. BUT within a couple of years, they were right back at it. Getting more CCs, more refi's, more CU loands, etc., etc. They ended up in an even bigger hole by the time BFF passed. SO, you can't fix a person who will not be fixed. Can't be done.

 

[Breedlove]

Update on my friend , he has been impossible to get hold of . Myself and my other classmate have tried . Finally today about 4:00 PM he returned our call. How ya doing man ….just depressed , just depressed …Why , our finances are out of control and they don’t have any loads for me. .. Like an idiot I volunteered to pay for credit counseling . No they are just scammers

 

[Sunset]

^^^^^^^^^^^^ Totally understandable... My Sister was also "depressed" also called Very Unhappy when she couldn't spend any more $$$$$$$$ on her maxed out credit cards.

 

[Breedlove]

So we are on a conference line and my other friend starts yelling . What are you gonna do NOTHING . My other friend is one of the mentally strongest people in the world . He has lost 2 wives and had a daughter on meth ….out of all of this he straightened his daughter up and has 2 grandsons in college and one graduating HS . My first friend tells us he can’t find a job because he can’t afford retraining . He says his legs have got so bad now he can’t leave the house unless his wife is with him .
Second friend says get your A** to credit counseling and start walking . So it ends in a petty argument . Kind of sad three friends since HS seems to be ending over stupidness ….on my part. My second friend says several churches offer credit counseling so we will see. We need a good CHEAP credit counselor ….Any help ?

 

[Gumby]

Famous line spoken by Clint Eastwood in the movie Magnum Force - "A man's got to know his limitations." You tried to help, and now you know the limits of what you can do for your friend.

 

[omni550]

So we are on a conference line and my other friend starts yelling . What are you gonna do NOTHING . My other friend is one of the mentally strongest people in the world . He has lost 2 wives and had a daughter on meth ….out of all of this he straightened his daughter up and has 2 grandsons in college and one graduating HS . My first friend tells us he can’t find a job because he can’t afford retraining . He says his legs have got so bad now he can’t leave the house unless his wife is with him .
Second friend says get your A** to credit counseling and start walking . So it ends in a petty argument . Kind of sad three friends since HS seems to be ending over stupidness ….on my part. My second friend says several churches offer credit counseling so we will see. We need a good CHEAP credit counselor ….Any help ?

We need a good CHEAP credit counselor ….Any help ? See Reddit....

https://www.reddit.com/r/Debt/comments/17cnmxk/advice_on_how_to_find_a_reputable_debt_counseling

 

[jazz4cash]

. He says his legs have got so bad now he can’t leave the house unless his wife is with him .

So how is he gonna drive if they DID have loads for him to haul.

Your friend’s health is the #1 issue. Credit counseling is close behind but I dunno how this does not end up in bk. The wife has income as a teacher and pension in the future, right? I am not a big Dave Ramsey guy but I saw the cost for his Financial Peace program was $79.

 

[Breedlove]

This thing is made for TV soap opera …His wife is a teacher yes but she gets mad and quits then goes back . My nephew tried to explain to her that if she just would hang on she would have a NICE pension . But she gets mad and quits for a few years then goes back. She quit for years to home school her kids but these are years lost toward retirement . I don’t know how he drove , he said he had a run that hardly required him to leave his rig. He did that run for years and got bigger and bigger. He said he was making 120k driving for the company. But now they have no loads .