A Friend in need , how can I help

[Jerry1]

OP - You need to seek the advice of a group like AA. I’m sure there’s a response the goes something like - “I love you, I’ll support you . . . but I won’t enable your destructive behavior. If you need my help getting to the right place, let me know.”

That’s all you can do and you need to accept that. I’m sure it hurts. I can’t imagine what the people around friends/family who engage in destructive behavior do to maintain their own mental health but that’s where it seems you’re at. Time to make your own health and your marriage a top priority. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

[jazz4cash]

It’s worse than we know. (it always is). You can only drove legally ~10 hrs/day. Spending too much time confined to a truck cab sounds unhealthy, possibly unsanitary. $120k for long haul sounds reasonable. There are many, many jobs for drivers incl long haul and local, but again his HEALTH.

 

[Texas Proud]

I am surprised that it cost for credit counseling.... I had applied for a job at one many many years ago and was told that they got their income from the companies owed the debt... the client paid nothing....

I guess things have changed... well, nope... just looked up free credit counseling and got a good number of options...

 

[Teacher Terry]

There’s free reputable credit counseling agencies. One was mentioned earlier in this thread. I would totally back out of this situation. It’s not your problem to solve. It will also be better for your friendships in the long run.

 

[Jenna]

Been taken advantage many times trying to help people financially. Might be worthwhile to get them listening to "I will teach you to be rich podcast" There problem is much bigger than money...it's how they relate and see money and potential marital issues. I would give them information about local services and maybe even drive them, provide emotional support for applying for whateve assistance they can get. I would not give them any money. Otherwise you are enabling them to continue on their unhealthy path.

 

[Koolau]

Most people are incapable of change until they "hit bottom" whatever that turns out to be. BFF lived on the financial edge for 50+ years. The only reason he didn't go bankrupt was because his income was so significant. He spent 2 days per month figuring out which bills he had to pay and those he could let slide.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Heh, heh, BFF went through one of the companies that more or less tell the CC companies take this amount and be satisfied or our client declares bankruptcy and you get squat. BFF saved over $50K right off the top. He was bummed that he only got to keep one card each (he and DW) with limits of IIRC $500 each. BUT within a couple of years, they were right back at it. Getting more CCs, more refi's, more CU loands, etc., etc. They ended up in an even bigger hole by the time BFF passed. SO, you can't fix a person who will not be fixed. Can't be done.

Oh, I agree that a large percentage of people go right back to old habits. But coming from a social services background I also know that there will be people who are successful in this type of program and you never know who or when that success will happen.

Of course I also wouldn’t give the person any money and directing them to an organization that can help their situation is my best advice for OP.

 

[ivinsfan]

There’s free reputable credit counseling agencies. One was mentioned earlier in this thread. I would totally back out of this situation. It’s not your problem to solve. It will also be better for your friendships in the long run.

TT this friendship is already virtually over. When you won't "lend" them money they decide you don't really care about them. If you lead them to credit counseling or bankruptcy same thing you didn't "really" help them.

 

[Breedlove]

Just kind of a sad update on our dear friend . He has got that he hardly answers the phone and when he does it is usually hey I got to do something , I will call back. My other friend drove over to see him last week and says he has a part time nurse now . He can’t even walk to the bathroom so this nurse ( assigned by the VA ) is helping him. My other friend called his sister and his sister says his weight is a real problem . He actually weighs close to 450 lbs. His sister said he has contacted credit counseling available from the VA . But she didn’t know how that was going . She is doing everything to help the family but she lives in Ohio and he lives here in Texas. I think my wife and I are just going to have to drive over to his house and visit him and his wife.

 

[pacergal]

That would be a kind thing to do. It sounds like he has some depression going, along with his other health issues.

 

[mystang52]

OP: You'd probably be wasting your breath, but if your friend again asks for advice, you should strongly suggest they pursue bankruptcy. With your friend's declining health, bankruptcy now would make things a lot easier, financially, for the (likely soon?) widow.

 

[braumeister]

Years ago, I had an acquaintance who desperately needed surgery but nobody would operate on him because of his weight (well over 500 lbs). He started trying to lose some of it but gave up within a few months and went back to his normal mode of living. He was still able to walk OK, he was just simply enormous. I would tend to think that's a big part of your friend's problems.

 

[Breedlove]

Oh absolutely , he says his knees are shot but they won’t operate unless he loses a bunch of weight . He out and out said he isn’t changing . ..

 

[GrayHare]

I hate seeing people struggle, but a person can only change their own habits, not someone else's.

 

[HI Bill]

71, 400+ pounds, $70K+ in debt. There's no changing him. He's made his life choices. Now, he has to live with them. The only thing I can come up with is selling the house (if he has one paid off), or file for bankruptcy. It seems unlikely he could get any decently paying job with his age and health.

 

[ncbill]

71, 400+ pounds, $70K+ in debt. There's no changing him. He's made his life choices. Now, he has to live with them. The only thing I can come up with is selling the house (if he has one paid off), or file for bankruptcy. It seems unlikely he could get any decently paying job with his age and health.

Lost a relative last year younger than I.

He was well over 6' tall but at around the same weight one night while asleep he just stopped breathing.

 

[SecretlyFI]

I consider my wife and I blessed by god that we don’t feel this pain. We have known my friend since HS . My DW reminded me that he always maxed out his credit cards as a young man. We just returned from vacation when he called me to talk about this . My wife says he is throwing a guilt trip on me because we had money for a vacation .

I know this is one of the earlier posts in this thread, but just wanted to reply to say, with all due respect, that the reason you don’t feel this pain is because you made smarter, more responsible decisions your whole adult life. So it’s not that you’re randomly blessed and your poor friend is cursed. Your wife is right about all this guy’s past decisions landing him where he is. I would feel bad for someone stricken with a horrible disease or the victim of a huge theft or other loss. But this guy had every chance to take care of his health and finances and chose not to.

 

[Music Lover]

I know a few people that have made poor financial choices and now have debt and no savings and a bleak retirement outlook.

While I do "feel" for them a little bit, I also don't lose any sleep because it was their choice all along.

One of my wife's friend's carries $30k credit card debt, not sure of the interest rate but probably at least 20%. She complains that she can't afford to go to Mexico in winter like we do, but she's paying at least $6000 in interest every year, more than enough to get away for a few weeks.

 

[Koolau]

But this guy had every chance to take care of his health and finances and chose not to.

I know a few people that have made poor financial choices and now have debt and no savings and a bleak retirement outlook.

While I do "feel" for them a little bit, I also don't lose any sleep because it was their choice all along.

Same with BFF who died half a Mil in debt at 79. NO one to blame but himself (and his DW who was almost as bad.) He made virtually as much as I did at the same place and his DW made twice what mine made. He whined all the time about how poor he was and I got the feeling he wanted help from me, but I saw that he spent every penny of his SS and pension on yet more toys, etc.

Too bad, really, but we have to sleep in the bed we made for ourselves.

 

[athena53]

It’s worse than we know. (it always is). You can only drove legally ~10 hrs/day. Spending too much time confined to a truck cab sounds unhealthy, possibly unsanitary. $120k for long haul sounds reasonable. There are many, many jobs for drivers incl long haul and local, but again his HEALTH.

Yeah, I wouldn't wish that job on anyone even though I know it's vital and it can pay well. (There are exceptions- some trucking companies let you buy or lease the cab, but they finance it, you have to get their insurance, you can't drive for anyone else, and you may OWE them at the end of each month after they deduct your monthly obligations to them.) And I just got back from a road trip that was 15 or 16 hours over 2 days and had a heck of a time meeting the exercise and calorie burn goals my Apple Watch was nagging me to reach. I can't imagine that as a way of life.

Still, his issues didn't happen overnight. He kept driving, the weight piled on, the debt mounted. Really unfortunate that he (and the family) let it go this long. I hope the wife and son get decent jobs.

 

[Texas Proud]

I read this a few days ago so no link....

There was a 70 YO lady who was going to be evicted because she lost her job because she was scammed at work.. (I am thinking Home Depot but could be wrong)... I would hate to be dependent on a job at that age to pay my rent...

I do not remember in the article about past decision, but I bet she did not make good ones during her life...

 

[EastWest Gal]

I have an acquaintance who gradually increased her weight and it got really bad during the pandemic. She also had severe knee damage and needed knee replacement. She got serious about it, went into counseling and diet changes necessary for bariatric surgery. She had the surgery in the spring and has lost about 90 lbs. She had her first knee replacement in June and will get the next one in the winter. She receives disability and works part time as the disability allows. She took on a roommate to cut expenses. However her part time jobs only last a few months, as she has a difficult personality. I mostly try to avoid one on one conversations with her. She's made some really bad decisions in her life, but is starting to make better decisions at age 60. Still, she'll never be able to retire.