Adjusting to retirement, how to handle self induced "guilt"

J

Janez

Confused about dryer sheets
Joined
May 27, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Boulder
Greetings and gratitude to all of you on this amazing forum!

I have been following for about 10 years and FIRE'd at age 57 last August. I have plenty of funds through both 30 plus years of simple living, aggressive savings, and a small inheritence from my parents ( I followed the Your Money or Your Life philosophy since my early 20s) and can say that compounding definitely works!

This is my challenge, and it is all internal: how do I just allow myself to "relax" and enjoy each day, even if it is not deemed "productive", "useful" "meaningful" or "purposeful"?

I am traveling like crazy, giving what I can to charity, doing a small amount of probono consulting, exercising, socializing, reading, and knitting, but I find myself at times feeling that I need to be "doing more with my life" in terms of either more full time work or part time work.

Does anyone have any suggestions, books to read, to help me allow myself to just enjoy each day and my new life without feeling guilty for what I accomplished in working so hard to acheive FIRE? I just did not expect myself to feel bad about retiring early.

Jane
 
I think it is just how we are individually wired, and no disrespect, but I think women tend to be wired more towards achieving things. While I have spurts of ambition and getting things done, I also have periods where I am quite content to putter around not accomplishing much at all. Don't sweat it, it is all a matter adjusting from working to retirement.
 
I retired December 2024 and I feel every word you wrote. I immediately threw myself at my house renovating room by room. Down to two bathrooms now, one just done. It is a hard thing to reprogram yourself after a hard charging career; However, I find myself relishing being able to sleep till 8, no hurry getting going in the morning. Most of all, I don’t miss for one second endless meetings, egocentric people and ridiculous corporate BS.
I do like to get things accomplished, but I’m purposefully slowing myself down. I work a bit, get out on the motorcycle in nice weather for a ride. Walk with the wife, just lay down and nap. I have many hobbies, so I can always switch gears and do something else! Early Retirement at first is difficult! You will adjust.
 
I retired at the same age and felt exactly the same way at first — after decades of measuring life through effort, productivity, and responsibility, suddenly having freedom can almost feel uncomfortable.

What helped me was beginning to see taking care of my body, my mind, my health, and even my peace of mind as a meaningful part-time job, because unlike money, they do not compound forever, and there comes a point when preserving strength, curiosity, calm, and the ability to enjoy an ordinary day becomes one of the most valuable things you can do for yourself.
 
pb4uski said:
I think it is just how we are individually wired, and no disrespect, but I think women tend to be wired more towards achieving things.
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Not sure I have the same perspective, I think it's men who are more likely to be TypeA, identify themselves by their work, etc. Then again, I never took many "typical" woman paths so maybe I don't know.

Either way, OP, I'd try taking a week off, and doing mostly nothing. Puttering, a little gardening, feet up time. Exercise, but no more than 45 mins per day. Force yourself for a week or two. Consider it your assignment to complete!

I know that when I was busier, it was impossible to imagine doing next to nothing. But now that I do nothing (except stuff I want when I want and stopping when I want), I find it impossible to consider doing all the things all the time again.

An object in motion, etc. Try being an object at rest, even if you have to be uncomfortable with it for a short while?
 
I also retired at 57. Loved my career on Wall Street, but don't miss it one bit and am not in contact with any former colleagues.
I try to do at least one thing most days; however simple. Today, I booked Safelight to fix my windshield next Friday. Yes, very simple but fine for one day. I have many of these examples.
However, once in awhile, we just do nothing and totally enjoy it.
 
I'm not a professional so this is just off the top of my head - but I have experienced guilt (deserved and undeserved):

"Guilt" is a relatively useless emotion. My only suggestion would be to analyze why you feel guilt. Evaluate for yourself if the "guilt" is even remotely deserved. If so, do whatever you consider the appropriate thing to get rid of the guilt (for instance, make amends, change behavior, pray to your higher power for relief, etc.). Otherwise, you need to condition yourself to fight the emotion when ever it comes up.

I hope you find the relief you are seeking. Guilt can cripple your life going forward so you need to deal with it - even going so far as seeking professional help if need be.

All the best! Let us know how you get along. We're here to help if we can.
 
Fortunately by my late 20s I had gotten over “shoulds” and needing to seek other’s approval of me. My life became much less stressful overall, even though there was still plenty of work stress.
 
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Granted, I'm still on the working side of the retirement equation, but I question why someone can't work in retirement. The difference is you work because you want to, not because you need to.

Similar to the post above mine, succumbing to the tyranny of "should" is an area where younger generations seem to be more self-aware. You feel you should do something. But do you need to? Do you want to? Or, can you acknowledge the nagging "should" and be conscious of the fact that it's an echo from 40+ years of being programmed to grind and produce, and that's no longer who you are now?
 
I’ve told this story on here before, but it may help the OP.
I started and ran a successful business for almost 25 years. When I retired, I picked up a hobby job pouring wine at a local winery. I loved it. I am a natural extrovert and enjoyed the people contact.
We had some old friends come visit. At dinner they scolded me for working at the winery and not volunteering elsewhere that could benefit from all my experience.
I felt kind of bad about the event, but when I shared the story with a co worker at the winery the next day her response was perfect. She said “ F that! You worked your whole life. You deserve to have fun”. I never looked back after that.
 
COcheesehead said:
I’ve told this story on here before, but it may help the OP.
I started and ran a successful business for almost 25 years. When I retired, I picked up a hobby job pouring wine at a local winery. I loved it. I am a natural extrovert and enjoyed the people contact.
We had some old friends come visit. At dinner they scolded me for working at the winery and not volunteering elsewhere that could benefit from all my experience.
I felt kind of bad about the event, but when I shared the story with a co worker at the winery the next day her response was perfect. She said “ F that! You worked your whole life. You deserve to have fun”. I never looked back after that.
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It’s really outrageous that your friends scolded you for not volunteering during your retirement. Yes, you are obligated to volunteer your personal time to provide some organization with the benefit of your experience instead of doing something you enjoy. I agree with your coworker - “F that!”
 
OP--Retirement is about what you want to do, every day. So, if you feel satisfied at the end of each day, you are OK. Perhaps you could try some meditation in order to calm your mind and body. Or even a few sessions with a counselor if you feel it is important.

But I think you are OK. Just give yourself time, Zelinski's book is great! I encourage you to read it.
Many folks go back to "work" in retirement, but on their terms. I did on call work for several years.
 
I think retirement is a bigger adjustment than most of us give it credit for, and one for which we get virtually no preparation, unlike much of adult life.

Almost from birth we are "preparing" for adult life; we have to go to school and learn all this stuff, much of which has little to do with what we end up doing, but we don't know ahead of time what's going to be useful and what isn't. Then you reach early adulthood and either go to college (more learning "stuff") or go in the military (you'll learn a thing or two there also) or actually get a job that you think might be useful and interesting. Or maybe you just thrash around for a bit until you discover who and what you want to be. If you're lucky anyway; some people never make that discovery.

Time goes on and money and circumstances allow you to retire and sit on your butt for the rest of your life if you want to, but you've been conditioned all your life that you "must" do this and that to "prepare" for the next phase of life. But there's no preparation class for retirement.

You'll have to figure that one out on your own because everyone is different. Some figure that "I gave at the office" and it's okay to sit in front of whatever screen entertains them with a beverage of choice and in truth that is okay; there's certainly no law against it. Most of us would be pretty bored with that rather quickly though. And therein lies the problem; what do you want to do within the constraints of time, money, and (inevitably) physical ability?

I just remembered. Quite a while back, in 2009, member Nords wrote a wonderful piece on this subject titled "The Fog of Work". I think it's worthwhile reading for anyone considering this subject.
 
I get it. I, too, am surprised about the “settling in” process. I retired in September 2025 and more than 6 months later I’m still trying to get my groove. And my retirement was hardly “early” - I had many OMY years.

I have two ‘rules’ for myself. One is that every day I get out of my home. Doesn’t have to be anything in particular, just get out. Doesn’t have to be long. And the second is I must ‘do’ one other thing. It can be a phone call, a task, whatever. It has helped.

I also am enjoying adult education classes at the local university. But I’m not quite in the rhythm I seek yet.
 
I'm coming up on 24 years after an early-early retirement. Yes, in the beginning I had a sense of big drop in worth. So much capability, and not using it.
In the beginning, even felt a bit odd being out and about during the day, when others were at work (VERY few work from home people then, traffic was very light).

It passed with time. My efficiency factor has gone waaay down. I long ago stopped worrying about the things I worried about way back then. It just silently ebbed away. It takes me a long time now to get just about anything "accomplished". I don't care. It doesn't bother me. And I used to be a prime example of a Type A personality.
 
I retired late at 68 last year and have had no such feelings of guilt. I thought I would but I've kept myself so occupied that I don't have time to feel much except for looking forward to waking up tomorrow to get more stuff done, it is just stuff that we care about instead of shareholders.

I still write code and just last week I checked in a bug fix to an open source project I contribute to. I found I can make more money trading options using a wheel strategy with my IRA assets than my base salary I walked away from. That occupies about 10 hours per week and is quite intriguing how sophisticated the options markets are. Our remodel job is still in permitting so that is kind of standing still now. I'm still detailing our vehicles, it is just now I can do that on weekdays instead of waiting for Saturday to arrive.
 
To me, a perfect day is spending it suntanning by the pool. Never, ever had any qualms about being a "flaneur."

Not trying to be sly here but as I've aged, I've shifted my physical "purpose" to a financial one by hiring out as much help as possible (landscapers, house cleaners, boat kids, pool guy etc etc.) as my way of contributing to the community with helping them stay employed.

There's probably about 20 or more people who get a small percentage of their paycheck from me, but it adds up to full employment for them.
 
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Telly said:
It passed with time. My efficiency factor has gone waaay down. I long ago stopped worrying about the things I worried about way back then. It just silently ebbed away. It takes me a long time now to get just about anything "accomplished". I don't care. It doesn't bother me. And I used to be a prime example of a Type A personality.
Click to expand...
I remember when my uncle retired at 61, he slowed down a LOT. Now to be fair, he went out on disability, as he had kidney issues and was on dialysis 3 days per week. At the time, he was living with my Grandmom (his mother) and I was right across the street. I used to cut the grass, for both houses.

When he retired, he said he'd start cutting the grass on his side. But one thing he started doing that would drive me crazy, was that he'd only cut one half of the yard, and then save the other half for another day! And this isn't exactly strenuous exercise, it's just riding around on a lawn tractor. I've timed it when I would cut it, and it takes maybe 50-60 minutes, depending on how fast the grass grew in between cuttings. So he's basically taking an hour job at best, and breaking it in half. Plus, the added annoyance of getting the tractor out, started up (it was getting kind of cranky), cleaning it off afterwards, and putting it away, twice!

But, now that I'm retired myself, and slowed down a bit, I sort of get it. The other day I was trimming some ornamental snake grass out in the yard, and got a bit winded. I was half-tempted to just say screw it, and put the rest of it off for another day! But instead, I walked back to the house, rested a bit, drank and ate something, and then went back out and cut some more of it back. Took another break, and then finished it.

Now admittedly, I did just leave the trimmed reeds, for the next day. I drove the truck up there and loaded them up. It was enough that it was probably roughly a standard-sized pickup truck load. Dumped them off by a burn barrel I have. Once again, I was tempted to just burn some of it that day, and leave the rest for another. But, I pushed through and burned all of it.

I think that's the biggest problem I've encountered since I retired 4/30/25...it's easy to just put things off to another day!
 
^^^^ Maybe uncle was trying to extend the mowing effort. "Don't kill the job. If I finish it all today, I'll have nothing to do tomorrow "
 
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