Adjusting to retirement, how to handle self induced "guilt"

[Andre1969]

^^^^ Maybe uncle was trying to extend the mowing effort. "Don't kill the job. If I finish it all today, I'll have nothing to do tomorrow "

Yep, that was his line of thinking, exactly. He was the type of person who needed something to motivate him, otherwise he'd just sit there. Helping out with Grandmom kept him motivated and productive, but then she died about a year and a half after he retired. He also got a kidney transplant around the same time, so with no more dialysis 3x per week, that gave him a LOT more free time.

But if I needed help with something, or my Mom did, he'd be there in an instant. He just wasn't good at finding things to do, on his own.

 

[Nords]

I think retirement is a bigger adjustment than most of us give it credit for, and one for which we get virtually no preparation, unlike much of adult life.

Almost from birth we are "preparing" for adult life; we have to go to school and learn all this stuff, much of which has little to do with what we end up doing, but we don't know ahead of time what's going to be useful and what isn't. Then you reach early adulthood and either go to college (more learning "stuff") or go in the military (you'll learn a thing or two there also) or actually get a job that you think might be useful and interesting. Or maybe you just thrash around for a bit until you discover who and what you want to be. If you're lucky anyway; some people never make that discovery.

Time goes on and money and circumstances allow you to retire and sit on your butt for the rest of your life if you want to, but you've been conditioned all your life that you "must" do this and that to "prepare" for the next phase of life. But there's no preparation class for retirement.

You'll have to figure that one out on your own because everyone is different. Some figure that "I gave at the office" and it's okay to sit in front of whatever screen entertains them with a beverage of choice and in truth that is okay; there's certainly no law against it. Most of us would be pretty bored with that rather quickly though. And therein lies the problem; what do you want to do within the constraints of time, money, and (inevitably) physical ability?

I just remembered. Quite a while back, in 2009, member Nords wrote a wonderful piece on this subject titled "The Fog of Work". I think it's worthwhile reading for anyone considering this subject.

Thanks so much for linking @Nords piece!

Yes, thank you @Walt34 (and @JDARNELL for suggesting the idea)-- I think it's aged well!

This is my challenge, and it is all internal: how do I just allow myself to "relax" and enjoy each day, even if it is not deemed "productive", "useful" "meaningful" or "purposeful"?

Does anyone have any suggestions, books to read, to help me allow myself to just enjoy each day and my new life without feeling guilty for what I accomplished in working so hard to acheive FIRE? I just did not expect myself to feel bad about retiring early.

Jane

@Janez, two (more recent) books are "Designing Your Life" from a couple of Stanford design-engineering professors, and Jordan Grumet's "The Purpose Code."

You don't have to find your big purpose in life-- you just have to try different things and iterate on that every few years.

Admittedly it would never occur to a surfer to ask this "enjoy each day without feeling guilty" question in the first place. That's why you keep exploring until you find a sustainable combination of the things which light you up during your days.

After 24 years of retirement, I can attest that the days eventually arrive when you have more activities you want to do than you have the energy and recovery time to do them.

 

[pjigar]

OP,

Like someone mentioned, the years of "programing" is hard to break but you have worked all your life to enjoy this time. Do (or not do) what makes you happy! Ignore the other people's perceptions and comments. I always tell DW, "no-one can make you happy or unhappy; only person who can too that is yourself."

I have always done things outside the box so it is natural for me to just do what I like. One of my good friend once asked me "what would I do when I retire?" I told him some of the things I wanted to do but then he asked me "What about after you are done with all those?". My take is: there are so many things in the world to learn, try and do. My gut feeling is that I would run out of time before I would run out of things to learn and do. For example, we moved to our acreage about 5 years ago. I am just about done "tiding up" the place (It was a jungle before) and I am not even done with all the projects I have already planned! YMMV.

 

[pjigar]

I think retirement is a bigger adjustment than most of us give it credit for, and one for which we get virtually no preparation, unlike much of adult life.

Right on. I ask all my friends and acquaintances "What would you do if you have unlimited time or money in retirement?" Most have no idea other than standard answers like travel. Like many on this forum have said before, you need to retire "to" something and not "from" work.

 

[Mark1]

FIRE'd at age 57 last August

I won't worry about it. I FIRE'd 10 years ago and about 6-9 months later I couldn't sit and watch an NFL game without a weird feeling that I was wasting time and my life away. After a year, or so, it went away for me.

 

[street]

The thing is about ER everyone is wired differently. Each will need to find their way but ER to something, and have a plan, is the best way to adjust and not feel guilty.

Myself I thought I would never ER and would work till I dropped. I made that step just ~10 years ago. It took a half year to get work out of my head but my plan was doing things I never had time to do as much as I wanted to working. I have a very creative mind love to build things and a self motivator. I work a lone well and get things accomplished better then having a lot of people working on a project.

These days there seems to be not enough time in the day for me to get what I enjoy doing. I sometimes struggle what to do today because there are many things I want to do so a decision needs to be made for that day.

 

[Amethyst]

I’ve told this story on here before, but it may help the OP.
I started and ran a successful business for almost 25 years. When I retired, I picked up a hobby job pouring wine at a local winery. I loved it. I am a natural extrovert and enjoyed the people contact.
We had some old friends come visit. At dinner they scolded me for working at the winery and not volunteering elsewhere that could benefit from all my experience.
I felt kind of bad about the event, but when I shared the story with a co worker at the winery the next day her response was perfect. She said “ F that! You worked your whole life. You deserve to have fun”. I never looked back after that.

I would put those "friends" in the same category as those who scold you for getting a baby pet from a breeder and raising it yourself, instead of adopting an old, discarded pet with unknown bad habits. "Sorry, I'm not entitled to your opinion." People who try to lay guilt trips are so tedious.

 

[COcheesehead]

I would put those "friends" in the same category as those who scold you for getting a baby pet from a breeder and raising it yourself, instead of adopting an old, discarded pet with unknown bad habits. "Sorry, I'm not entitled to your opinion." People who try to lay guilt trips are so tedious.

It’s almost a form of virtue signaling.

 

[gauss]

Greetings and gratitude to all of you on this amazing forum!

I have been following for about 10 years and FIRE'd at age 57 last August. I have plenty of funds through both 30 plus years of simple living, aggressive savings, and a small inheritence from my parents ( I followed the Your Money or Your Life philosophy since my early 20s) and can say that compounding definitely works!

This is my challenge, and it is all internal: how do I just allow myself to "relax" and enjoy each day, even if it is not deemed "productive", "useful" "meaningful" or "purposeful"?

I am traveling like crazy, giving what I can to charity, doing a small amount of probono consulting, exercising, socializing, reading, and knitting, but I find myself at times feeling that I need to be "doing more with my life" in terms of either more full time work or part time work.

Does anyone have any suggestions, books to read, to help me allow myself to just enjoy each day and my new life without feeling guilty for what I accomplished in working so hard to acheive FIRE? I just did not expect myself to feel bad about retiring early.

Jane

I volunteer my time to help folks that are less fortunate than myself.

That makes me feel good, provides a community of peers, can be challenging, and is a good balance between idleness and overworked wage slave.

My volunteer gig has an annual commitment period so to speak. As such there is an exit straegy built-in each year. This is my 12th year doing it and we typically have ~ 6 months off during the summer fall each year so good balance!

-gauss

 

[audreyh1]

It’s almost a form of virtue signaling.

It was most definitely that.

 

[Diogenes]

Never, ever had any qualms about being a "flaneur."

My whole career was being a flaneur.

The flaneur aspect of life, really stems from not having a family, not having a house, not pursuing a "leadership" position at work, and just living an unassuming simple life. This can be done as soon as the rigors of one's education have been completed (college or grad school). It is not contingent on making some transition from full-time work to retirement.

"What would you do if you have unlimited time or money in retirement?" ...

More or less the same thing that I do now, save for indulging more in various pleasures and pursuits, were I to have had more self-confidence and vigor of character. And that's the whole point! Our freedom, our enjoyment and so on, are less constrained by work or non-work, than by the courage to actually spend, to actually take risks, to actually allow ourselves something that's frivolous but joyful. Neither dying at one's desk, nor retiring at 40, makes the big difference. It's a kind of moral courage, that makes the big difference!

 

[PlayinwithFIRE]

It is hard.

I do pro-bono work with companies that are doing something useful (strictly my definition of useful haha)..and am doing alot of introspection on what it means to be me.

One thing at this particular moment that is some solace for me is the advent of AI .
Hearing Jensen Wang saying his top engineers need to be burning thru half their salary on AI tokens to "keep up" is unsettling.

If i wasnt exitting stage left, I would be pressured in that direction. I'm not interested in that direction, nor in being pressured anymore.

I worry about the value of knowledge as we go forward from here and how i might advise the next generation to prepare themselves for the upheaval.

pwf