Advice for telling your parents or other important family members

[skyking1]

My middle older sister had issues with me retiring before 65 because of SS or something like that. Essentially, she could not see doing anything but what she did. It was her habit to be right about things, at almost any expense.
Of course that had zero bearing on what we do, but it was an interesting observation
Shortly after that we lost her younger sister very early in her retirement and her stance on things changed.

 

[Sojourner]

After reaching age 17, I felt no need to ask my parents, or anyone else, for permission to do anything. I was living on my own at that time.

I think there's a big difference between asking one's elderly parents for "permission" (which, I agree, is silly) and telling them about a big, "risky", unconventional life decision that might cause them a great deal of worry and anxiety.

In my case, I simply told my parents (who were in their mid 70s at the time) that I needed a career change and was going to leave my full-time job to start doing some part-time freelance consulting. I felt telling them that I was going to retire—at the ripe old age of 46!—would have led to unnecessary hand-wringing, fretting, and too much general distress and discord. I wanted to spare them all of that, and in the end, it turned out to be the right decision, both for me and for them.

 

[Sue J]

DH was 55 when he retired because his contract wasn't renewed and he was eligible for his pension.

My Dad was very happy for us! He knew that if I was ok with our finances, it would all be ok. He and I understood money in the same way. I told him we had no debt and could live below our means. That's all he needed to hear to know we'd be fine.

My Mom kept asking me if he'd found another job yet. No Mom, he's retiring, he's not looking for another job.

One of DH's siblings asked if we'd be getting a reverse mortgage! He lives in a very high cost of living area and can't imagine ever retiring.

 

[aja8888]

I think there's a big difference between asking one's elderly parents for "permission" (which, I agree, is silly) and telling them about a big, "risky", unconventional life decision that might cause them a great deal of worry and anxiety.

In my case, I simply told my parents (who were in their mid 70s at the time) that I needed a career change and was going to leave my full-time job to start doing some part-time freelance consulting. I felt telling them that I was going to retire—at the ripe old age of 46!—would have led to unnecessary hand-wringing, fretting, and too much general distress and discord. I wanted to spare them all of that, and in the end, it turned out to be the right decision, both for me and for them.

Sounds like you had parents that cared about you. Unfortunately, I didn't.

 

[Lorenzo]

My parents are no longer alive, but I am close with an uncle who was a work-aholic and worked well into his 70s. He had no hobbies, and his life revolved around family (admirable) and work (hmm). For years, when he asked me how my work was going, I simply replied "fine," even though I had been winding down. Currently, my workload yields mere beer money, and I still tell him my work is "fine." Maybe if you have a higher-profile job you cannot pull this off.

 

[marko]

Dad died 40 years ago. Mom was a young 71 when I retired at 52. "Finally!" she said.

 

[Dtail]

My father was ecstatic and impressed when I told him. My mother was fine with it. They always trusted my financial sense.

 

[badatmath]

I imagine this topic has been covered in a number of ways already, however I'm interested to know how people framed the subject of early retirement with their parents?

I'm 55 & my folks are in their early 80s. My father is the penny-pinching spreadsheet cruncher & my mother, the worry wart and continuous doer i.e. always with a list of things she has to do. They both worked into their 70s!

I've soft launched the idea with them on a few occasions & it's usually been met with raised eyebrows and an incredulous look.

Maybe this is all in my head, but how did people get significant family members to understand? Or is it just a lost cause in many cases?

Not trying to be snarky . . . but who cares if they understand? I don't consider it anyone's business but mine (and if I had a spouse, theirs).

I didn't have any family who would worry about me regardless but I'd still have considered it a problem for them to manage, not for me to skirt around.

 

[KiwiFI]

My parents are no longer alive, but I am close with an uncle who was a work-aholic and worked well into his 70s. He had no hobbies, and his life revolved around family (admirable) and work (hmm). For years, when he asked me how my work was going, I simply replied "fine," even though I had been winding down. Currently, my workload yields mere beer money, and I still tell him my work is "fine." Maybe if you have a higher-profile job you cannot pull this off.

Funny thing is, many parents don't know what it is their kids do half the time. They just know you go to an office or wherever it is you do. More so if you are in a field like finance or Tech. If you're a fireman or car dealer, that's straightforward I suppose.

My folks never asked if I enjoyed my work, ever. If I complained they just saw it as a kind of weakness on my part. Says a lot really.

 

[KiwiFI]

I think there's a big difference between asking one's elderly parents for "permission" (which, I agree, is silly) and telling them about a big, "risky", unconventional life decision that might cause them a great deal of worry and anxiety.

In my case, I simply told my parents (who were in their mid 70s at the time) that I needed a career change and was going to leave my full-time job to start doing some part-time freelance consulting. I felt telling them that I was going to retire—at the ripe old age of 46!—would have led to unnecessary hand-wringing, fretting, and too much general distress and discord. I wanted to spare them all of that, and in the end, it turned out to be the right decision, both for me and for them.

This is the way. I'm telling them I'm moving on from a 30 year career, not before time & that I intend to buy a small business as a part time venture.

 

[ponyboy]

Why tell any of your family members that you want or will be retiring? Most parents or siblings aren't checking up on family members to make sure they're still working.

 

[brett]

We were never overly concerned about what people thought of our decisions.

Just tell them straight out that you are retiring. Easy!

And congratulations.

 

[Koolau]

We were never overly concerned about what people thought of our decisions.

Just tell them straight out that you are retiring. Easy!

And congratulations.

Or tell them nothing. Let them be surprised when they finally figure out you're no longer going to w*rk!

 

[Aerides]

I talked finances with my parents for years, well before I even planned to ER. Talked them into paying off their mortgage (when rates were 7+), and then discussed milestones as our investments grew. So it was easy to transition to our ER chats, they knew we were planning and saving. Still, especially because I was working remotely the last couple of years, they thought I was a bit nuts to pull the plug as I "had it made" - which is what most people think of WFH when they haven't done it.

But if they had been really cold on the idea, I would just not have discussed it further, and not worried about it.

 

[pjigar]

Sounds like OP wants parents to bless ER (and that is a good thing if you feel this way). If you are comfortable then you should share your financials (nest-egg and expense-needs) with your parents. If they are reasonable people then they will understand that you will be fine. A lot of parents worry about well-being of their kids so their concerns are well intentional. We have been fairly transparent with DD about our finances with a very clear message that some of this money may come to you or may not (if we spend it all!). YMMV.

FWIW my dad shared his financials with me when I was teen+ growing up. But alas, it was mostly about how much outstanding debt he had! I paid it all off after I started working, it wan't much.

 

[Dash man]

My parents were both gone long before I retired at 56. DW’s father is still around at 91. He retired at 55 and ran out of money when his wife went into assisted living and then a nursing home. He lived with us when we retired, but is now in an independent living facility. He apparently stumbled onto our finances somehow and started spreading to family that we were “rich.” He wasn’t worried about us, but we were annoyed with him.

 

[NeilDH]

My mother was very supportive when I told her, even more than I thought she would be. I would soon learn that my stepfather retired at 55 (he did have PT jobs after), and the same with a cousin on my mom's side. So it wasn't an absurd concept. And Mom knew I had worked my ass off, "so why shouldn't you enjoy life now." Very nice.

My father had been gone 19 years, but it would have been weirder to tell him. He'd give me a snarky "must be nice," envious while he had labored in the trades. Actually, I wonder how it would have gone. I had only started investing and having some success when he died; presumably I'd talk to him about that over the following years if he had lived (and sometimes he would give me that "must be nice"). It is overall harder to talk about on his side of the family, as they're more working-class and retiring early with wealth is just not a concept they can think about. So I must be more discreet.

 

[audreyh1]

I imagine this topic has been covered in a number of ways already, however I'm interested to know how people framed the subject of early retirement with their parents?

I'm 55 & my folks are in their early 80s. My father is the penny-pinching spreadsheet cruncher & my mother, the worry wart and continuous doer i.e. always with a list of things she has to do. They both worked into their 70s!

I've soft launched the idea with them on a few occasions & it's usually been met with raised eyebrows and an incredulous look.

Maybe this is all in my head, but how did people get significant family members to understand? Or is it just a lost cause in many cases?

Didn’t worry about it. Just announced it to family. DF and siblings knew I had started with a small company. DM had passed away,

Why do you need them to understand? Will they worry you’ll go broke?

 

[audreyh1]

I hear that & thanks. My mindset is I'm 100% not asking for permission, however I would like to keep things harmonious if possible.

Is this part of the Kiwi/Aussie culture? Retiring at 55 is unusual and people aren’t comfortable with “different”?

 

[Koolau]

My parents were both gone long before I retired at 56. DW’s father is still around at 91. He retired at 55 and ran out of money when his wife went into assisted living and then a nursing home. He lived with us when we retired, but is now in an independent living facility. He apparently stumbled onto our finances somehow and started spreading to family that we were “rich.” He wasn’t worried about us, but we were annoyed with him.

Yeah, that's why it's "dangerous" to share financial info (or let it fall into the wrong hands). People's perceptions are so personal that folks like us on the forum appear "rich" to those who never saved or had much financial discipline.

I've spoken often of BFF who died half a Mil in debt. He could have ended up just like me (same income, same w*rk place, etc). I once let it slip that my condo was worth half a Mil. He went on for 10 minutes about all the stuff he would buy (toys) after borrowing all he could on such an asset. And that's how he lived. He never paid off anything if he could extend the loan on it. He lived rich and I suppose I WAS rich. He wanted both.

 

[KiwiFI]

Why tell any of your family members that you want or will be retiring? Most parents or siblings aren't checking up on family members to make sure they're still working.

Is this part of the Kiwi/Aussie culture? Retiring at 55 is unusual and people aren’t comfortable with “different”?

Good question. Not necessarily any different to anywhere else. The only thing different in the culture is what's called Tall poppy syndrome. If you are seen to have done well, become rich or otherwise risen above your station in life, people like to cut you down a peg. Usually this is subtle but it is a well known thing in the culture in both countries. More so Aussie I think.

 

[audreyh1]

That’s what I mean. Tall poppy syndrome which doesn’t really exist in the USA. Of course it’s possible to be quite discrete as a retiree although close acquaintances will notice. I was just trying to understand why you thought your parents might have trouble with your plans.

 

[KiwiFI]

That’s what I mean. Tall poppy syndrome which doesn’t really exist in the USA. Of course it’s possible to be quite discrete as a retiree although close acquaintances will notice. I was just trying to understand why you thought your parents might have trouble with your plans.

I think they'll ultimately be fine if I give them the details that reassure them that all will be just fine. My mother is a worrier, my father much less so. They both came from humble beginnings so their attitudes to money were shaped by anxiety a lot of the time.

As suggested in another comment, I think this is in my head a bit.

 

[MuirWannabe]

Good question. Not necessarily any different to anywhere else. The only thing different in the culture is what's called Tall poppy syndrome. If you are seen to have done well, become rich or otherwise risen above your station in life, people like to cut you down a peg. Usually this is subtle but it is a well known thing in the culture in both countries. More so Aussie I think.

Tall poppy sounds like just fundamental human nature. It’s called jealousy. Not limited to NZ or Oz. Runs rampant everywhere

 

[brett]

We retired early. Sold up, put everything in storage. Traveled internationally for 8 months, then did a furnished rental for three months.

After that we rented. The property market was in the toilet.

A few busybodies apparently came to the conclusion that we had spent all of our home equity and capital on travel and therefore could afford to buy a home.

People can be really strange, as well as jealous. We have tried to live our lives the way we wanted to. What other people thought was never of particular interest to us. My parents trusted us to make good life decisions and to be independent.

I had a SIL who went through life worried about what people thought of her and her actions. Perhaps because she was brought up in a straight laced environment where guilt seemed to be at the alter most times.

Not happy, always in debt as she tried to live up to a lifestyle that was beyond her. Sad really.

It was one reason why, after marriage, we moved 2500 miles away from DW's small town, faith based environment in order to live how we wanted to live and to do our own thing. And we have been doing it for 52 years....happy as clams.

The only opinion that is important to me is DW's opinion.

I