AJA's date recap #2 with some new info (aka, what's been going on.....)

[Aerides]

I'd tell her I'm a man and as such, clueless what is meant by needing space and if that means 'don't call us, we'll call you' until after Christmas. If she replies that just the window she is entertaining family, then invite her to your little soiree.

oh, and I wouldn't worry about your disclosure about the relationship on this forum, I'm sure she has been discussing you with others by now too.

I agree with this. Always good to ask for clarity! I mean, if I were single and dating, and a he said "well I'll be busy for the holidays so not sure when I'll see you" I would simply expect him to never call again.

That's not what Aja's friend is saying, at all, given all the other contact, so it's totally fine to ask her what is too much and what is too little, and then find where you are both comfortable.

(And yeah if she found out and read this, there's nothing Aja has said that is out of line, if anything isn't it sweet that he's asking for - and receiving - all this input? If she ran away after finding all this this, she's not the one.)

 

[braumeister]

Thanks, the grieving process does vary by individual. I know two guys near my age that lost their wives about the time I lost mine and they were in new relationships within months, one having met the lady at the grief sessions he was attending. It's been three years for me and I still have some issues, but I am healing.

That probably isn't uncommon.
One of my neighbors lost his wife two years ago and he was in a new relationship within about eight months. They even did the snowbird thing together for a few months this past winter. He's 87 and I don't think she's much younger. Still maintaining two residences, but frequent overnights. They seem happy together.

 

[aja8888]

That probably isn't uncommon.
One of my neighbors lost his wife two years ago and he was in a new relationship within about eight months. They even did the snowbird thing together for a few months this past winter. He's 87 and I don't think she's much younger. Still maintaining two residences, but frequent overnights. They seem happy together.

I'm starting to realize that when you get to a real old age (subjective, of course), finding happiness and being happy for the remaining years becomes a high priority. Good for them!

 

[Gremlin]

To play devils advocate here, how do you think she would feel about having her dating details posted on a national forum? I gets it anonymous, mostly, but if the relationship continues it will eventually come up.

I don’t mean to be the turd in the punchbowl. Or Maybe I do. I’m not in a very good mood dealing with my 90 year old mom, she would be madder than a hatter if she thought I was posting about her on a national forum.

Given the fact this is an anonymous forum and we have no idea who this lady is, if I were the woman in question, I would have no problem with it. Personally, I'd be impressed with how considerate AJA is being toward a widows feelings!

I also feel your pain, as I am currently dealing with my 88 year old mother who can be quite cantankerous. It's a hard job! Make sure you try to get a break now and then. (easier said than done, I know) Sending you best wishes.

 

[badatmath]

Agree with @Aerides that if I man I was dating was telling me he was "busy" I'd take it as a "nope" but also that I don't think she means it that way. Sounds like she hasn't had a ton of dates and is trying to be straight up not to expect to be invited to her family gatherings, etc.

 

[Koolau]

Agree with @Aerides that if I man I was dating was telling me he was "busy" I'd take it as a "nope" but also that I don't thin she means it that way. Sounds like she hasn't had a ton of dates and is trying to be straight up not to expect to be invited to her family gatherings, etc.

I hadn't even thought of the family-invite-to-holiday-activities "thing." I doubt that was her intent, but, of course, I don't know.

 

[Gremlin]

I'll have to check on that as I'm not sure when folks are arriving.

I agree with Aerides and Skipro. If you want to invite her, I would simply state that you know she needs space for the holiday but if she isn't busy AND feels up to it, you'd enjoy having her attend the party with you. I think that shows you were listening and respect her request for space, are trying to clarify exactly what that means, and that you are giving her a graceful out if she simply isn't feeling up to attending a party for whatever reason ( might be more than family obligations and simply feeling overwhelmed for whatever reason)

Whatever you choose to do, we are rooting for you! Good luck!

 

[Calico]

I'd tell her I'm a man and as such, clueless what is meant by needing space and if that means 'don't call us, we'll call you' until after Christmas. If she replies that just the window she is entertaining family, then invite her to your little soiree.

oh, and I wouldn't worry about your disclosure about the relationship on this forum, I'm sure she has been discussing you with others by now too.

This made me laugh out loud (in a good way)! I think it is excellent advice - there's no point in sitting around wondering what she meant by "space" when asking her straight up will clarify the situation.

Sometimes we women assume men understand what we mean (and vice versa) and I think a lot of misunderstandings could be avoided if we just clarify what we mean.

 

[Jerry1]

Personally, I’d lay low for the holidays. Given her situation, there will be a lot of emotions tied to her husband (rip). I would try to keep the relationship going just as it is now. The pressure of inviting her to a holiday party adds a lot of stress to a nascent relationship. I would also make this clear. “We’re having a community party, but I feel like it would be a bit uncomfortable this early in our friendship to go to such things. Let’s just keep in touch throughout the next month, meet for lunch as time allows, and worry about holiday plans next year.” Mainly, assure her that you want your friendship to develop naturally and the holidays obviously create a level of stress that neither of you want right now.

 

[Souschef]

Dear Aja,
I think you and I are kindred souls as far as our experiences. My wife lost her husband of 43 years. I lost my wife of 30 years.
We met on a grief recovery website and finally agreed to meet. Things moved very slowly as neither of us had been on a date in over 40 years.
We met every night on the website, and communicated by e-mail when I was doing some solo travel.
We just celebrated our 18th anniversary.

 

[aja8888]

Dear Aja,
I think you and I are kindred souls as far as our experiences. My wife lost her husband of 43 years. I lost my wife of 30 years.
We met on a grief recovery website and finally agreed to meet. Things moved very slowly as neither of us had been on a date in over 40 years.
We met every night on the website, and communicated by e-mail when I was doing some solo travel.
We just celebrated our 18th anniversary.

Very nice and I have followed your journey here. And all the travels....!

 

[aja8888]

Personally, I’d lay low for the holidays. Given her situation, there will be a lot of emotions tied to her husband (rip). I would try to keep the relationship going just as it is now. The pressure of inviting her to a holiday party adds a lot of stress to a nascent relationship. I would also make this clear. “We’re having a community party, but I feel like it would be a bit uncomfortable this early in our friendship to go to such things. Let’s just keep in touch throughout the next month, meet for lunch as time allows, and worry about holiday plans next year.” Mainly, assure her that you want your friendship to develop naturally and the holidays obviously create a level of stress that neither of you want right now.

Jerry you make a good point. Thanks. I'll think about it for sure.

 

[braumeister]

Sometimes we women assume men understand what we mean (and vice versa) and I think a lot of misunderstandings could be avoided if we just clarify what we mean.

Much easier said than done.

 

[pacergal]

Thanks for the update.
I agree with many here, it never hurts to ask for clarification.
She may simply need some time and space around this particular holiday.
It does seem that you two are finding some interest in each other, let it go where it does, keep the communication open.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Jerry you make a good point. Thanks. I'll think about it for sure.

I actually think Jerry is off base about this situation. I agree with others that think that your lady friend likes you a lot and wants to continue to see you. I agree that you should totally respect that she needs some space but I think asking her to the holiday party and clarifying it with if she has the time is perfectly fine. Her family may not be coming for a while and she may mean that she needs space while they are actually visiting her. It definitely would be good to ask her for some clarification.

 

[NgineER]

Aja-very happy for you. I don’t do this well myself but communicate-don’t assume. Don’t put any pressure on her, just say what you would like, but let her know she can do whatever she has time with or feel like.

 

[Music Lover]

Well, she was asking for some time and space during this period, but I'm not sure what she exactly means.

You've only dated a couple times and she's having a large family event that most likely includes people she may not have seen since (more or less) the anniversary of when her husband passed away just two years ago.

It's too early. If it was me and I was invited I'd probably decline.

 

[FlaGator]

You've only dated a couple times and she's having a large family event that most likely includes people she may not have seen since (more or less) the anniversary of when her husband passed away just two years ago.

It's too early. If it was me and I was invited I'd probably decline.

Agree, I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation.

With those circumstances, I would pre-empt any invitation with a compassionate and clear statement that you want her to make the best of her family time and don't want your presence to create any discomfort or tension.

She is almost certain to be talking about you and it's possible at least some of her family will want to meet you.

If she invites you over for a casual meal a few days after the family has arrived and she has explained this developing friendship....

 

[aja8888]

All the comments pro and con about whether or not I should attempt to ask her to go to this Christmas party with me are telling me to just forget the whole thing and not even go myself (I don't really have to go). Then just let things go on and see what happens. Heck, we are texting each day and maybe after Christmas she will be past the family pressures.

 

[aja8888]

OK, my curiosity got the best of me on this so I called her yesterday and asked her to explain the comment on needing time and distance over the holidays. She was glad I asked and she explained that this time of year she is emotional about her loss of her husband and she would not be in the best of moods. It really wasn't about me, but more about her emotional state. Apparently she is really having grief issues over the loss even after two years. I totally understand. I didn't bring up the Christmas party on the 18th.

 

[street]

If it were me I would not bring that Dec. 18th event up.

 

[Gallaher]

To play devils advocate here, how do you think she would feel about having her dating details posted on a national forum? I gets it anonymous, mostly, but if the relationship continues it will eventually come up.

I don’t mean to be the turd in the punchbowl. Or Maybe I do. I’m not in a very good mood dealing with my 90 year old mom, she would be madder than a hatter if she thought I was posting about her on a national forum.

What if she’s ON this forum?

 

[aja8888]

If it were me I would not bring that Dec. 18th event up.

I'm not going to.

I'm sure we are OK on what is going on between us as we communicate daily. I went through a rough time when my wife passed and the grief lasted a long time. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my wife's passing and I'll be OK with it.

Losing spouses is difficult stuff.

 

[aja8888]

What if she’s ON this forum?

Well, if she were, I'd hope she PMs me!

 

[skipro33]

Since she shared that the holidays are tough for her, maybe a small gesture would go a long way — something simple like a card with a kind note, or even a modest bouquet, just to let her know you’re thinking of her without adding pressure. That way she feels supported but not overwhelmed.
"I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. I’m glad we’re getting to know each other, and I respect your need for space."

A card with a potted plant, poinsettia for example, "Wishing you peace and comfort this holiday season"

Maybe drop off homemade cookies or a book she might enjoy, showing kindness without intruding. "just wanted to brighten your day."