Annual Christmas letter-awkward, need advice

[EastWest Gal]

We've been sending out an annual Christmas letter for years. I don't send Christmas cards to people I see all the time, but to friends and relatives on the west coast and elsewhere. The list has pared down over the years. This year is really awkward. There is a husband and wife on our list, which DH and I have known since we were teenagers. I was briefly boyfriend/girlfriend with the husband when I was 13 and he was 15-first kiss and all. We were in square dance groups together, and were more or less in touch until DH and I moved across the country when we were 40, but stayed in touch through Christmas letters. His wife became the high school principal of my high school. Anyway, last summer, he and his wife were walking their dog in a park when they were randomly attacked. She suffered a head injury and he had a broken arm. She died a couple of days later. We found out through a mutual friend.

I imagine he won't be up to sending a Christmas letter this year. I'm thinking about just sending cards with personal notes. It will take more time but be more meaningful. But what do you say to someone who went through a major trauma like that? I've been thinking about this for awhile.

 

[imjustawarrior]

This is what I do. I express my condolences in the phrasing that is appropriate. I then usually express if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I think the fewer the words the better unless you have personally gone through the exact same thing. The condolences acknowledges it, and the offer to help lets them know you care and are there for them.

 

[Jerry1]

Keep it short. My thoughts/prayers are with you this holiday season.

 

[Car-Guy]

Keep it short. My thoughts/prayers are with you this holiday season.

One minor add, (His name) my thoughts/prayers are with you this holiday season

 

[MarieIG]

Keep it short. My thoughts/prayers are with you this holiday season.

Agree. There are no perfect words for such a tragic situation.

 

[38Chevy454]

I would definitely keep up the tradition, but agree a personal card and note is appropriate. First year holidays are always toughest after a big loss. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated.

 

[pb4uski]

Both. The card with personal thoughts and then include a copy of your general distribution annual Christmas letter. Or hand write your personal thoughts in any spare space on your annual Christmas letter.

 

[aja8888]

^^^^^ This is what I would do too.

 

[pacergal]

I would continue with your tradition of sending letters. I would also add a personal touch via separate note on the inside of the card or added to the letter.
I think something that maintains connection and also conveys condolences and recognition of his loss is appropriate and will be received well.
The first holidays are hard, reaching to let him know you are there may help.

 

[engineernerd]

This is what I do. I express my condolences in the phrasing that is appropriate. I then usually express if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I think the fewer the words the better unless you have personally gone through the exact same thing. The condolences acknowledges it, and the offer to help lets them know you care and are there for them.

I agree except an offer to help might just inadvertently put a knife in....In his shoes my first reaction might be "You could bring her back! Oh, right, you can't do that. But I don't want anything else!"

 

[pb4uski]

^^^ Very odd/silly. It's fairly common to offer someone grieving help and I don't think any recipients of that offer of help interpret it as bringing the deceased back.

 

[engineernerd]

^^^ Very odd/silly. It's fairly common to offer someone grieving help and I don't think any recipients of that offer of help interpret it as bringing the deceased back.

I have seen more than one "agony aunt" (Dear Abby equivalent) advise that vague offers of help are usually not good (understood by the recipient as insincere, possibly unfairly). Much better to offer something specific, or even just do something (e.g. the classic bringing of the casserole) if it seems a safe bet not to go wrong.

I personally think a lot depends on the details. When someone's passing leaves the bereaved with too much to do, as tends to be the case when there are minor children in the home for example, then pitching in to help with the newly-reassigned household duties is very likely to be appreciated.

In this case it doesn't seem the bereaved was left with all that much to do that others can realistically do for him, plus it's been several months.

All I said was, that would probably be how ungrateful me would feel if faced with such an offer while looking at my spouse's empty chair. Of course I can't be sure a different person would feel the same.

 

[imnontrad]

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas after someone dies is especially hard. So I think a "thinking of you" note would be nice.

 

[Cerys]

Both. My husband died June 2019. Within six months of his death we were hearing about Covid three months after that everything started to shut down.

A lot of of our favorite places to go eat, bowl... they were on the bubble. And Covid took them out. And when they started tearing those places down to put up housing which granted it was California it was needed but...

It just felt like... it felt hostile.

I understand with perspective and deeper understanding of how grief works, it wasn't hostile it was normal. Out with the old and in with the new, businesses that aren't doing well eventually close. Covid made it happen faster.

In short, acknowledge what he's going through, but send him the newsletter, too. Even though I felt that the world should stop because my dearly beloved was no longer on this earth, I knew that feeling was wrong and would pass. And it did with the happy kids screaming outside when their parents turned the water sprinkler on. Life goes on and it feels good to have those reminders that it will get better.

At least that's how I felt about it. And once again, I am really happy that there's such a thing as waterproof mascara.

 

[EastWest Gal]

We've decided to send regular Christmas cards without the letter. We'll hand write notes into the cards. It has been a quiet year with not much new to report.

 

[PaulNolin]

When my daughter died it was unexpected and painful beyond words. Emotionally my wife and I felt destroyed. Physically we were exhausted and really nothing else mattered anymore. I was the one who held it together best because I knew we needed to function at some level whilst trying to get grief counseling and make an effort to restart our lives.

Thirty-nine (39) years later what I do remember is the people who took the time and emotional effort to reach out in person and/or with a letter with their best effort of kind words. As you state, “life is precious” and thankfully most people don’t ever have the experience of burying their child; those people are hurting too because they cared about us. Some were family members and others were friends. But the people who took the time to make that very emotional effort are the people I will always remember and appreciate most.

The death of a loved one is so tragically significant for each of us. People, our family, friends, and acquaintances just don’t know what to say or do; but I will always remember and appreciate those who sincerely made an attempt to help in their own way. Their words didn’t even have to make sense, because I knew they were present and sincere.

Write a kind letter. Use your sincere words, It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be from you. Your words validate the friendship you have and it will mean more to your friend than you can imagine. that you’ve taken the time and deep emotional effort to reach out. I’d even follow it up with a phone call a week or two later, or even an invitation to visit. As difficult as you may think it is to reach out, by not acknowledging your friends loss would be like ignoring the elephant in the room.

My wife and I eventually moved on. We had more children and lived a full life of family activities and experiences. But the sadness and grief of the loss of our daughter was and will forever be present. Over the years my wife and I learned that you don’t “get over it” when you loose someone, we just learned over time and counsels how to live with the fact that our daughter died and our lives continued.

I hope this helps.

 

[Koolau]

We've been sending out an annual Christmas letter for years. I don't send Christmas cards to people I see all the time, but to friends and relatives on the west coast and elsewhere. The list has pared down over the years. This year is really awkward. There is a husband and wife on our list, which DH and I have known since we were teenagers. I was briefly boyfriend/girlfriend with the husband when I was 13 and he was 15-first kiss and all. We were in square dance groups together, and were more or less in touch until DH and I moved across the country when we were 40, but stayed in touch through Christmas letters. His wife became the high school principal of my high school. Anyway, last summer, he and his wife were walking their dog in a park when they were randomly attacked. She suffered a head injury and he had a broken arm. She died a couple of days later. We found out through a mutual friend.

I imagine he won't be up to sending a Christmas letter this year. I'm thinking about just sending cards with personal notes. It will take more time but be more meaningful. But what do you say to someone who went through a major trauma like that? I've been thinking about this for awhile.

I don't know how you write something "meaningful" or even appropriate in a situation like this. I hope you are led to a few line which simply tell how much you care about the loss to the husband of his wonderful wife.

We have already sent out 200 Christmas cards this year, all with personal notes. It's our annual tradition as opposed to a Christmas letter. We struggle with sending a letter because it may tell "too much" or "too little" depending upon the recipient.

All the best to you as you write a card to your old friend. Blessings on you.