Anyone ever bring up money/guilt issues with a therapist?

[silvor]

Anyone ever bring up money issues with a therapist?

Odd question I know. But listening to some of Dave Ramsey's calls on Youtube, I noticed a lot of the issues people call in with are personal issues, just with money involved.

For me, when I was going to marriage counseling, in my solo session I brought as a side note, how I bought something and was feeling guilty so I am returning it. She set me straight and I kept my purchase, but I could have used her for other money/guilt/personal issues like....

My mom literally yelling at me because I spent $55 (17 hours of work in 1986) for an entry level radio for my car (which didn't have a working radio).

My dad taking no interest in his kids unless you were making money.

Church always asking for money.

Wife spending/giving money away but doesn't work much and we should give more and spend more.

Yeah....quit whining

Anyone?

 

[aja8888]

I don't have (or ever had) a therapist, but my ex wife was a spending machine!

 

[ShokWaveRider]

What's a therapist? Never had one, never needed one, never will need one.

 

[GrayHare]

Therapists or not, I suspect childhood experiences are behind the frugality many here espouse, myself included. Echoes of the Great Depression, perhaps.

 

[Aerides]

If it's something that's bothering you, some therapy might be good. It sounds like you have a good handle on the pattern of money and spending as a trigger for you throughout your life.

Therapy might provide you with some tools to enable you to understand when something needs correcting vs rolling off your back.

Oh I think I got a cassette radio for my car at a flea market for $40 the same year you did, so heck yeah $55 is a big spender (jk!)

 

[Walt34]

I don't have (or ever had) a therapist, but my ex wife was a spending machine!

Lots of that going around, I had one of those too. She moved out in 1983 when I refused to take out a loan for a trip we didn't need to go on. I never did find out where she wanted to go, I just knew I wasn't going in the hole for useless trips.

 

[Car-Guy]

Church always asking for money.


Anyone?

Don't get me started on the Church asking for money. When I was a kid, we didn't have a lot of extra money but my Mom always gave what she could. After a while, she got a letter from the Church saying, if she can't give more, maybe we should find another Church. I remember her crying... Very traumatic for her. And for me, it made such an impression, even at a young age, I've never been back!

And no, I don't need or want a therapist....

 

[silvor]

Don't get me started on the Church asking for money. When I was a kid, we didn't have a lot of extra money but my Mom always gave what she could. After a while, she got a letter from the Church saying, if she can't give more, maybe we should find another Church. I remember her crying... Very traumatic for her. And for me, it made such an impression, even at a young age, I've never been back!

And no, I don't need or want a therapist....

That sucks. I know old school churches used to be like that sometimes. I kind of wish I didn’t write that part.

I really was referring to the ex wife always wanting us to give more, but she would never work more than a part time minimum wage job.

 

[Gallaher]

No therapist, no guilt.
I worked for all of it.

 

[SnowballCamper]

I think Dave Ramsey's audience is quite a bit different from the membership here. His advice seems to be geared toward gaining control of finances. He recommends paying off the smallest debt first (to get a success) as opposed to paying the highest interest first (reducing total paid). I think significant proportions of the US population struggle with feeling unable to control enough of their environment, and money certainly exacerbates the problem. I don't see that as a major theme here in the early retirement forum.

 

[ponyboy]

What's a therapist? Never had one, never needed one, never will need one.

Congratulations. Some people never need them. Some people do, and that's ok too. It's a good thing that people recognize that they need help and seek it out. It shouldn't be taboo.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Yea.

Andy the bar tender at my local 3.2 joint down the street from where I worked. He was a WW 2 combat veteran. Raised 4 children, a great gardener, angler, hunter and a 22 year veteran of our local fire department. So was I.

Therapists would line up to gather his advice. You can't buy wisdom. You have to find it and enjoy the gift.

 

[MC Rider]

No. And I go with The Church of 2 Wheels. On Any Sunday.

 

[brett]

No therapist, no ex wife, no church, no guilt about money.

Deep pockets, short arms.

 

[mebden]

Don't get me started on the Church asking for money. When I was a kid, we didn't have a lot of extra money but my Mom always gave what she could. After a while, she got a letter from the Church saying, if she can't give more, maybe we should find another Church. I remember her crying... Very traumatic for her. And for me, it made such an impression, even at a young age, I've never been back!

And no, I don't need or want a therapist....

Oh Car guy you hit a nerve with me on that church wanting more money. I went in the service right after high school in the Fall of the year and was gone for 3 years but as the church I was considered a single adult. I came back to my Home town after my time in the service with my honorable discharge and I happen to go to church with my parents on a Sunday when I 1st got back and they also had built a brand new church while I was gone and I was surprised as the old church was old but still built very well. But anyways they have a quarterly newsletter that they give at church if you come the week it comes out or it is mailed to everyone the next week and I was looking at it and I couldn't believe what was in it as it showed what everyone had contributed per year over the last 3 and my name was in there with a zero after my name. I was so pissed off after the service when the Pastor greats everyone leaving I just lost it I threw the newsletter at his feet and told him you will never see me again in this church except for a funeral for posting this stuff in the newsletter while I was overseas protecting his ass and all those phony brained washed parishioners so they could degrade me because I didn't give to the church while I was gone. I said I don't need no building to say my prayers and ask forgiveness for my sins and never stepped foot in that building till my Mother passed away 25 years later and by then it was a whole new congregation involved and when I told them what happened they couldn't believe so I proved it to them as my dad kept the original copy I had thrown at the Pastors feet.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Oh Car guy you hit a nerve with me on that church wanting more money. I went in the service right after high school in the Fall of the year and was gone for 3 years but as the church I was considered a single adult. I came back to my Home town after my time in the service with my honorable discharge and I happen to go to church with my parents on a Sunday when I 1st got back and they also had built a brand new church while I was gone and I was surprised as the old church was old but still built very well. But anyways they have a quarterly newsletter that they give at church if you come the week it comes out or it is mailed to everyone the next week and I was looking at it and I couldn't believe what was in it as it showed what everyone had contributed per year over the last 3 and my name was in there with a zero after my name. I was so pissed off after the service when the Pastor greats everyone leaving I just lost it I threw the newsletter at his feet and told him you will never see me again in this church except for a funeral for posting this stuff in the newsletter while I was overseas protecting his ass and all those phony brained washed parishioners so they could degrade me because I didn't give to the church while I was gone. I said I don't need no building to say my prayers and ask forgiveness for my sins and never stepped foot in that building till my Mother passed away 25 years later and by then it was a whole new congregation involved and when I told them what happened they couldn't believe so I proved it to them as my dad kept the original copy I had thrown at the Pastors feet.

Wow. I remember those days of publishing (shaming) people's offerings. I hope you're doing well, I am at my simple little church that isn't well enough organized to tell people how much people give.........

 

[mebden]

Wow. I remember those days of publishing (shaming) people's offerings. I hope you're doing well, I am at my simple little church that isn't well enough organized to tell people how much people give.........

Thanks for asking but I'm fine it just put a real bad taste in my mouth and I only been back to my home town for my dad's funeral at that same church and what's funny about it the people that were on the board of the church when that all went down now their kids are the board members of that same church and boy did I embarrass them when I showed them that newsletter and they said I can't believe my parents agreed to this and I said the proofs in the writing but I still don't go to any church I keep my religion to myself and say my payers daily before bed I dont need anyone or any building to show my gratitude for what I've been blessed with.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

Don't get me started on the Church asking for money. When I was a kid, we didn't have a lot of extra money but my Mom always gave what she could. After a while, she got a letter from the Church saying, if she can't give more, maybe we should find another Church. I remember her crying... Very traumatic for her. And for me, it made such an impression, even at a young age, I've never been back!

And no, I don't need or want a therapist....

That happened to my mum back in the UK as well. She was a widow with 4 kids, my youngest sister was less than a year old when my dad died and she had no money to spare. She was also very upset and traumatized about the threat of excommunication but I think after a while she just got mad about it but it definitely upset me because it upset her. I don't think she ever went back to the church after that and she certainly did not cave to their demands. I've never stepped into a church since I was about 20 and I've never missed it. Both my kids joined churches in their teens and that was a real eye opener for them. My daughter didn't last very long but my son is still a member but never goes except when his wife makes him.
The OP is spot on though, when you grow up poor it definitely leaves mental scars and working and saving money becomes a far higher priority in life than it should be. I've never felt the need to see a therapist but now I'm pretty well off and have no money worries at all but I still have a really hard time spending it without feeling guilty. I'm working on it though and it's getting easier the more, I spend and give it away, the easier it's becoming

 

[COcheesehead]

No

 

[mebden]

That happened to my mum back in the UK as well. She was a widow with 4 kids, my youngest sister was less than a year old when my dad died and she had no money to spare. She was also very upset and traumatized about the threat of excommunication but I think after a while she just got mad about it but it definitely upset me because it upset her. I don't think she ever went back to the church after that and she certainly did not cave to their demands. I've never stepped into a church since I was about 20 and I've never missed it. Both my kids joined churches in their teens and that was a real eye opener for them. My daughter didn't last very long but my son is still a member but never goes except when his wife makes him.
The OP is spot on though, when you grow up poor it definitely leaves mental scars and working and saving money becomes a far higher priority in life than it should be. I've never felt the need to see a therapist but now I'm pretty well off and have no money worries at all but I still have a really hard time spending it without feeling guilty. I'm working on it though and it's getting easier the more, I spend and give it away, the easier it's becoming

I don't now or ever will have more money than I need and if by chance I do I will make sure my family is set and then I will give my extra to where I think it belongs to go to. I've never had a therapist, and I never will I grew up low middle class saved as much as I could and invested more than I could afford at times went thru a divorce after 21 years and lost half of everything and still am not rich but comfortable

 

[RetiredHappy]

I remember that my father wanted to be baptised and to "belong" to a church when he was in his early 70s, lying in the hospital recovering from a procedure. But he didn't want to contribute 10% of his earnings to the church so he didn't do so. He was still working to support his family. Then at the age of 93, he was dying in the hospital and my sister asked if he wanted to be baptised. He nodded and she got a pastor from her church and it was done while my father was still very much aware of what was going on. So he got his wish to be baptised. We did write a large check to my sister's church thereafter.

 

[Koolau]

Interesting discussion. Never experienced the "forced" or "coerced" giving thing at any church I've attended. One person (treasurer or whatever title) kept track for official 501 purposes. Other than that, no one but me and the Lord knew (oh, and DW, of course).

Churches would be such better places if it weren't for the people in them.

 

[athena53]

Wow. I remember those days of publishing (shaming) people's offerings. I hope you're doing well, I am at my simple little church that isn't well enough organized to tell people how much people give.........

Ah, I remember a priest who published a monthly list of those who had given over $X. I forget what X was but this was the 1970s. I have never since been in a church that did anything to publicize giving levels with personal information (have been in the Episcopal church over 30 years) and would leave if a pastor ever published that information or if I were pressured to increase my giving. I hope that those who have left church only because of pressure to give beyond their level of comfort would look for another church community where that isn't the practice. My annual pledge is about 20% of my AGI but I can afford it and I figure it keeps the doors open for people who can't give much.

But back to the OT- I've consulted psychotherapists on and off when I was younger, mostly when I was trying to untangle from my first marriage. Haven't seen one since I divorced in 1997 and never felt the need to. Money was not a major topic other than the struggles I had because the Ex spent every dime he made and maxed out his credit cards, leaving me to foot the bill when emergencies came up. Glad to be done with that. I do struggle now with what to keep and what to give away and where- so much need out there and all those Bible verses spelling doom for the rich- but I know that my priorities need to be funding the rest of my retirement (including LTC if needed), funding my grandchildren's college education, and most likely leaving DS and DDIL money since I'm being conservative in my assumptions.

 

[frayne]

I see therapists in much the same way I see financial advisors, both operate based on a percentage of assets under management (AUM), just in different and sometimes less obvious ways. Financial advisors directly charge fees based on the assets they oversee, while therapists, in a sense, manage a person’s mental and emotional well-being, often fostering long-term dependency that ensures a steady stream of income. While both professions provide valuable services, there’s a built-in incentive to keep clients engaged for extended periods, which can sometimes blur the line between genuine need and business sustainability. Just my two cents and based on empirical evidence.

 

[aja8888]

There's been times in my screwed up life I probably needed a therapist, but never decided to spend the money. In all reality, my dog Birdie is my first line of therapy, followed by my group of close friends (see my avatar), It that doesn't work, my 45 year old daughter will tell me what to do as she is now Miss Know it All!