Bat***t crazy or crazy like a fox? An evil fox.

[Mdlerth]

I put one of my sisters on "Call Block". Let's call her "Kate". I suspect a professional psychologist (which I am NOT) would diagnose her as "bipolar" or "schizophrenic". Maybe both, maybe more.

As an amateur, I can confidently, and without hesitation, diagnose her as a "jerk".

Kate went to visit our DM over the weekend. Mom is ensconced in memory care several hundred miles away from any other family. Kate sent out messages to her four siblings that Mom is lonely and unhappy in the nursing home, with the accusation that it's our fault for not visiting daily, or failing that, moving DM into one of our homes so we could tend her.

Responses of "Neither of those is possible" were met with profanity-wrapped accusations of callousness, accompanied by a full measure of sanctimony, since Saint Kate was obviously the only one fulfilling her filial duty.

DM is wheelchair-bound and has zero short-term memory. If her meals and meds weren't brought to her on schedule she wouldn't last a month. Pointing out that DM is still alive today only because she's surrounded by advanced technology and trained health care professionals merely prompted renewed venom from "the only child who cares about our mother". And, of course, more curses and name-calling.

A few volleys of this and I was done listening. Select number. Set to Call Block. Save.

Kate has a long history of addiction and anger management issues which have rendered her unemployable and broke. She has managed to alienate her own husband and three children, none of whom will speak with her any more. So my thought immediately following the latest explosion was that it was just another episode of the drug-fueled lunacy we've suffered through before.

But then I got to wondering whether my sister's performance might really be a strategy to acquire the medical and financial Powers of Attorney currently held by my older brother. My brother is a sensitive plant who could readily be browbeaten into abdicating in our sister's favor. Could Kate exercise those powers to first: take physical custody of DM, giving her access to Mom's pain meds; and second: gain possession of our mother's remaining assets?

That's a level of evil worthy of Trombone Al's novels. It's hard to stomach that it might be happening in real life, and so close to me. Is it just my imagination?

 

[pacergal]

What is your connection with your brother and have you discussed your concerns with him?

Living with a family member who has severe mental health problems is not easy. It has taken my DH many years to reconcile his feelings around his mom, who we believe (based on behavior) was highly bi polar, un-medicated and untreated.

 

[Ginny]

As a retired estate planning attorney, I can tell you that your fear happens very often. People think they are so smart, but often do not have the follow through to complete the task. Your mother appears to no longer have the capacity to make financial decisions. No attorney or notary should notarize or witness her change of documents, but it does happen. One way that the other sibling has been fouled up is if the assets are in the name of a trust and a trustee has to be replaced in order for someone else to be in charge. Hopefully Mom does not have access to any of her funds or accounts. If she does remember where the accounts are located, Kate could drive her to the bank. If Kate has already lifted some of Mom's pain or other medications, then a threat to turn her into the authorities might be what is needed to keep her away from Mom. And Kate is probably causing Mom more harm than good because of what she is telling her. Good luck!

 

[Teacher Terry]

It doesn’t sound like your mom is competent to sign paperwork to change anything. Do one of you have guardianship? Notify the home that if anyone tries to remove your mom to call you and the police. Something similar happened here and the guy that took his mom out of a home was arrested.

 

[RunningBum]

Seems a little dangerous to totally block her. She could find your Mom in some condition that you legitimately need to know about, or do something with her that you need to know. How about setting up a special ring tone for her so you can just let it go to voice mail, or send directly to voice mail, so you can listen when you are prepared for it and can skip if she's clearly on a rant.

 

[Jeffman52]

Years of addiction and drug use will make people do terrible things. I would be proactively careful.

 

[Mdlerth]

Keep calm and carry on

What is your connection with your brother and have you discussed your concerns with him?

Living with a family member who has severe mental health problems is not easy. It has taken my DH many years to reconcile his feelings around his mom, who we believe (based on behavior) was highly bi polar, un-medicated and untreated.

Mostly we discussed our mother. The first thing I told him is of course DM is unhappy. When she remembers anything at all, it's that she recently buried her husband of 63 years. She is weak, in pain from degenerative back problems, and can't walk to the potty. She's in a place that she knows isn't her house; it's also not Club Med although it is very clean, the food is fine, and the staff are attentive & a lot friendlier than many of the patients.

As far as our sister's raging, all I advised DB was to expect more tantrums but don't let it affect his reason.

 

[Nemo2]

Not as extreme, but DW has a self declared bipolar niece who often, (not so much since DW's mom died) called DW to say how much she "cared", and would list all the things she would do, (if it weren't for 'allergies' and "blah blah blah"), for her grandparent(s).

DW's dad, (almost a year after he told me he didn't want to go through another winter), is getting weaker and shakier, so we can likely expect a repeat as the 'time' nears.

Once it's all over, DW will probably discontinue all contact.

 

[Mdlerth]

Life is never as simple as it should be

As a retired estate planning attorney, I can tell you that your fear happens very often. People think they are so smart, but often do not have the follow through to complete the task. Your mother appears to no longer have the capacity to make financial decisions. No attorney or notary should notarize or witness her change of documents, but it does happen. One way that the other sibling has been fouled up is if the assets are in the name of a trust and a trustee has to be replaced in order for someone else to be in charge. Hopefully Mom does not have access to any of her funds or accounts. If she does remember where the accounts are located, Kate could drive her to the bank. If Kate has already lifted some of Mom's pain or other medications, then a threat to turn her into the authorities might be what is needed to keep her away from Mom. And Kate is probably causing Mom more harm than good because of what she is telling her. Good luck!

Mom has no idea. DB's name, not sister's, is on all Mom's accounts. He's also the only one named on the medical POA filed with the NH and local hospital . The nurses and doctors know him and call him for everything. My IANAL understanding is it would require a court to force a change in guardianship, but I don't know what would happen if DB voluntarily relinquished it.

I'm certain she is busy badmouthing us all to our mother. But I don't expect that 5 minutes later DM even remembers Kate's visit much less the content of their chats.

It doesn’t sound like your mom is competent to sign paperwork to change anything. Do one of you have guardianship? Notify the home that if anyone tries to remove your mom to call you and the police. Something similar happened here and the guy that took his mom out of a home was arrested.

Mom isn't competent to sign anything. That ship sailed two years ago. Good idea to send NH a heads up about a kidnap. Will forward to DB. He is the legal power holder.

Seems a little dangerous to totally block her. She could find your Mom in some condition that you legitimately need to know about, or do something with her that you need to know. How about setting up a special ring tone for her so you can just let it go to voice mail, or send directly to voice mail, so you can listen when you are prepared for it and can skip if she's clearly on a rant.

Kate's ring tone has been Hitchcock's violin screech since I got a smartphone. If there is anything I need to know, DB and our other sister are still in the loop.

Years of addiction and drug use will make people do terrible things. I would be proactively careful.

It is tragic and bewildering. I don't hate my sister, although I despise what she's become.

Also, it is curious that, in her sane moments, Kate is still capable of being generous and thoughtful. I posted a thread a few months ago about her tending a relative who was recuperating from surgery. She housed him and fed him and delivered him to Dr appointments for weeks. That was kindness, except for the part where she filched his pain Rx while he slept.

 

[Mdlerth]

What we owe to our parents we pay to our children

Not as extreme, but DW has a self declared bipolar niece who often, (not so much since DW's mom died) called DW to say how much she "cared", and would list all the things she would do, (if it weren't for 'allergies' and "blah blah blah"), for her grandparent(s).

Balancing competing family demands is a no-win situation. There will always be somebody who thinks my balance is wrong.

Does DM command absolute priority over everyone else who wants a piece of me? No doubt there is a camp that says "Of course she does. She's your mother. You owe her your entire existence." No doubt some folks in that camp do follow it up with action: they quit their jobs, park their own families and lives, and devote themselves to their aging and dying parents. I've read one or two such accounts on these pages.

I desperately hope my own kids don't feel that way. My first duty was to raise them to become independent adults. My second duty is to avoid becoming a burden on them when I'm old.

There is another camp that says "You have many calls on your time, and you have to ration it out as best you can. Nobody gets it all." I believe most people's actions indicate they align with this.

 

[Another Reader]

"Could Kate exercise those powers to first: take physical custody of DM, giving her access to Mom's pain meds; and second: gain possession of our mother's remaining assets?"

Sounds to me like that's her plan. I'm sure she's telling the NH the same story and likely plans to "move mom closer to her one daughter that cares." Your DB should be all over that. The NH needs to know that Kate is an addict and to watch the pain meds when she visits. Also they need to be reminded that only DB has the authority to move mom.

 

[Jerry1]

The NH needs to know that Kate is an addict and to watch the pain meds when she visits. Also they need to be reminded that only DB has the authority to move mom.

Sounds like OP and DB are on it, but I second that. Reminding the NH in no uncertain terms seems very prudent at this point. I can see how DD could come across as an angle who just wants to take DM for a walk or lunch or whatever and never come back.

The tricky part is that in most of these cases, DM can leave anytime she wants. They are not in jail and they haven’t been formally declared incompetent and no formal guardian has been named. We have the same situation with DMIL. We’ve discussed obtaining guardianship, but both sisters have their head on straight and are all on the same page. But, the memory care home has made it clear that if DMIL insists on leaving, all they can do is call us. Of course they are very skilled at diverting the attention of those in this situation, but that is the legal situation. Again, she’s in a locked down facility for her own good, but it’s not jail and she has not been formally declared incompetent.

 

[ivinsfan]

"Could Kate exercise those powers to first: take physical custody of DM, giving her access to Mom's pain meds; and second: gain possession of our mother's remaining assets?"

Sounds to me like that's her plan. I'm sure she's telling the NH the same story and likely plans to "move mom closer to her one daughter that cares." Your DB should be all over that. The NH needs to know that Kate is an addict and to watch the pain meds when she visits. Also they need to be reminded that only DB has the authority to move mom.

Plan who knows? It's very possible that with all of sisters issues she genuinely believes everything she is saying. She literally feels she could "rescue" Mom and make things better. That means someone needs to keep a close eye on things. .family and the NH.. AFIK meds to memory patients are delivered to them just like in the hospital one at a time at prescribed intervals.

 

[ivinsfan]

I put one of my sisters on "Call Block". Let's call her "Kate". I suspect a professional psychologist (which I am NOT) would diagnose her as "bipolar" or "schizophrenic". Maybe both, maybe more.

As an amateur, I can confidently, and without hesitation, diagnose her as a "jerk".

Kate went to visit our DM over the weekend. Mom is ensconced in memory care several hundred miles away from any other family. Kate sent out messages to her four siblings that Mom is lonely and unhappy in the nursing home, with the accusation that it's our fault for not visiting daily, or failing that, moving DM into one of our homes so we could tend her.

Responses of "Neither of those is possible" were met with profanity-wrapped accusations of callousness, accompanied by a full measure of sanctimony, since Saint Kate was obviously the only one fulfilling her filial duty.

DM is wheelchair-bound and has zero short-term memory. If her meals and meds weren't brought to her on schedule she wouldn't last a month. Pointing out that DM is still alive today only because she's surrounded by advanced technology and trained health care professionals merely prompted renewed venom from "the only child who cares about our mother". And, of course, more curses and name-calling.

A few volleys of this and I was done listening. Select number. Set to Call Block. Save.

Kate has a long history of addiction and anger management issues which have rendered her unemployable and broke. She has managed to alienate her own husband and three children, none of whom will speak with her any more. So my thought immediately following the latest explosion was that it was just another episode of the drug-fueled lunacy we've suffered through before.

But then I got to wondering whether my sister's performance might really be a strategy to acquire the medical and financial Powers of Attorney currently held by my older brother. My brother is a sensitive plant who could readily be browbeaten into abdicating in our sister's favor. Could Kate exercise those powers to first: take physical custody of DM, giving her access to Mom's pain meds; and second: gain possession of our mother's remaining assets?

That's a level of evil worthy of Trombone Al's novels. It's hard to stomach that it might be happening in real life, and so close to me. Is it just my imagination?

You know her, we don't so you most likely have an idea of what she is capable of. I have a sister with undiagnosed but serious issues and she can rant and rave about things that aren't true and literally makeup or reinvent entire conversations to slant her way. The sad part is she absolutely positively believes everything she is saying and that the entire world is against her and is deliberately picking on her. There is no way to even have a conversation so keep that number blocked for your own sake.

Good luck and I hope your DS moves on to another target soon.

 

[Gumby]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, Mdlerth. I don't really have any concrete suggestions beyond what has already been posted. I hope that you and your other siblings are able to deal with "Kate" in a manner that properly protects your mom. It certainly sounds like you are all on it.

And, as an aside, your story, and many others on here, makes me count my blessings yet again for a simple and drama free life (at least so far).

 

[kgtest]

I put one of my sisters on "Call Block". Let's call her "Kate". I suspect a professional psychologist (which I am NOT) would diagnose her as "bipolar" or "schizophrenic". Maybe both, maybe more.

As an amateur, I can confidently, and without hesitation, diagnose her as a "jerk".

Kate went to visit our DM over the weekend. Mom is ensconced in memory care several hundred miles away from any other family. Kate sent out messages to her four siblings that Mom is lonely and unhappy in the nursing home, with the accusation that it's our fault for not visiting daily, or failing that, moving DM into one of our homes so we could tend her.

Responses of "Neither of those is possible" were met with profanity-wrapped accusations of callousness, accompanied by a full measure of sanctimony, since Saint Kate was obviously the only one fulfilling her filial duty.

DM is wheelchair-bound and has zero short-term memory. If her meals and meds weren't brought to her on schedule she wouldn't last a month. Pointing out that DM is still alive today only because she's surrounded by advanced technology and trained health care professionals merely prompted renewed venom from "the only child who cares about our mother". And, of course, more curses and name-calling.

A few volleys of this and I was done listening. Select number. Set to Call Block. Save.

Kate has a long history of addiction and anger management issues which have rendered her unemployable and broke. She has managed to alienate her own husband and three children, none of whom will speak with her any more. So my thought immediately following the latest explosion was that it was just another episode of the drug-fueled lunacy we've suffered through before.

But then I got to wondering whether my sister's performance might really be a strategy to acquire the medical and financial Powers of Attorney currently held by my older brother. My brother is a sensitive plant who could readily be browbeaten into abdicating in our sister's favor. Could Kate exercise those powers to first: take physical custody of DM, giving her access to Mom's pain meds; and second: gain possession of our mother's remaining assets?

That's a level of evil worthy of Trombone Al's novels. It's hard to stomach that it might be happening in real life, and so close to me. Is it just my imagination?

Sounds like she has "small think syndrome".

When my FIL who is a retired Cadioligst, own father was in hospice and dieing...he made an interesting comment to me...

He said he was kind of annoyed that the nurses were trying to bother his father with a Flu shot seeing as he had weeks not months left. He said there are many younger or more appropriate people to recieve what is a limited vaccine and it should not be wasted on someone who is near death. Even if it is his own father. I gained a lot of respect for him that day, and he was right, someone more deserving needed that Flu shot and they got it in the end.

 

[Another Reader]

If OP's brother only has power of attorney and his name is only on the accounts along with DM, there could be big problems. Without a trust and some type of conservatorship or something similar, Kate could conceivably remove DB's power of attorney and replace him. She could then move mom into her home with no resistance from the NH and proceed to take all the assets.

ETA: She did a good job caring for the person whose pain medications she was stealing. This will be no different.

In OP's shoes, I would be all over this.

 

[EastWest Gal]

This situation suggests that OP's sister is after her pain meds. While she is in memory care, sister will not have access to the pain meds as they are kept locked in a medication cart. In hospitals, opioids require two nurses for dispensing, to prevent drug diversion. I'm not sure this is true in skilled facilities, but I suspect it is. So if she removes DM from the facility, she may gain access to mom's prescriptions. Support your brother and prevent this from happening. I'm not sure the POAs can be changed very easily, but it isn't that hard to walk in with a sleazy lawyer and notary and get a new POA signed. Someone ought to get guardianship before sister gets a chance to do this.

 

[MichaelB]

Does the brother have a Durable POA? Does the POA exclude opening a trust in the name of the principal? If it allows creating a trust, that is a path that would add a greater level of protection and minimize the likelihood of assets falling into the wrong hands.